After two beers and some tasty sushi, I sat down for a night of fun, freaky guys, and fun (couldn't think of another good word that started with "f"). Episode #2 unveiled its nasty traits, and by "nasty traits" I mean the militant men let us know that they are out for blood--or at least Jen's hand in marriage. Not going to lie, I think Jen was a bit off-put by the guys' off-putting obsession with her, but then again, this is what makes for good telly.
The first date found Michael, Ryan from NY (i.e. the only non-white one, a.k.a. token), Fabrice, AW, Ben, Jason and Jerry on a boat, I mean mobile home on water, putsing around Manhattan. Honestly, there was very little drama to report. But we were left with one special tidbit: Michael humps his dog in bed. I'm thinking that was his ticket back to Michigan. Sorry, your big guns just weren't enough. That whole bit with your muscles at the end was simply embarrassing.
Date two was a romantic night at the Plaza with Keith. By romantic I mean awkward. We learned that Keith was an "artist." Apparently I'm an artist too, because Keith informed Jen that he "drew a lot" when he was little. Um, so did I. I could show you the amazing portrait of my dad I drew for "Dad's Day" during year one of preschool. It's really quite a sight. If only I knew that made me an "artist," I'd probably be dating more. Damn, I really had a gift with crayons.
The third date was a day of basketball at MSG with Wendell, Matt, Ryan from Cali, Mark, Stu, Josh and John Paul. Again, very little happened. Here's what I got: 1) Stu wants to know everything about Jen. Jen was scared, we were nervous. 2) Matt from Staten Island (again, we send our apologies) was nervous and weird. 3) Basically it was a series of job interviews in which guys didn't know anything about the job, but figured it was best just to say, "I really want this job." Oh, insert "Jen" for "job."
Meanwhile, at the manse, the boys were up to there usual hullabaloo as the police were called by a disgruntled neighbor in an unfortunate pit-stained t-shirt. Josh and Fabrice had a small run-in, and we were all informed that Jen "needs a warrior and a lover." Apparently pro marathoners moonlight as warriors these days, and we thank Josh for informing us.
And now begins the section of my review in which I rip into the antics of the evening (by antics I mean the faults of the bachelors) and basically become the bitch that I am.
Jason came out of the closet as a virgin. He also sealed his fate and ended his run on the show. Sorry, hopefully you'll find some Texan virgin at one of your motivational speeches. Jason, you could be such a man-whore. You could have your way with your motivated roadies. But alas, you're saving yourself, and I will not judge. Oh who am I kidding? I'm judging the hell out of you right now and I love it.
Maybe it's just the Staten Island in him, but Matt went a bit overboard with requesting Jen to sign and kiss his Knicks ticket. I could say lots of dirty things right now, but I won't.
John Paul's smile is disturbing. He should audition for the role of the Joker in the next generation of Batman movies. And he should stop talking about how he "works so hard." Please, your Oklahoman daddy owns some dumb company that hired you and now you have lots of daddy's money. Oklahoma, OK!!
Mark's gift of the angel necklace was a bit too soon. Again, let's simmer down with the freaky gestures of kindness. You've known Jen for two days now, and you're already giving her necklaces worn by your dead mother. Sorry, I love Jen too, but let's not overstep the boundaries this soon. Oh, and have fun at home because however much that necklace cost was the same price it cost for writing yourself off the show. I'm not kidding when I say that I screamed like I had just witnessed an awful murder (or coolots) when you explained the significance of the gift. Never again, Matt. Never.
The rose ceremony was rather uneventful as we had no momentary lapses of consciousness, but eight roses were handed out all the same. And, GASP, it was "one of the most dramatic rose ceremonies ever." Please, Chris, we've heard it before.
Who survived? Wendell, Fabrice, Ben, Keith, Ryan from Cali, Jerry, John Paul and Josh.
Who's headed home? Jason, Ryan (token), Mark, Michael, Stu, Matt and AW. Some words of advice for the departed: Jason, go have sex. Ryan, try not to be the token on an all-white show. It's just not fun. Mark, don't give freaky gifts to women you don't know. Michael, no more muscle shows. Stu, don't obsess over chicks you don't know. It makes you look like a crazy person. Matt, move away from Staten Island. It's where we send our trash. AW, wait, who are you again?
Tonight's awards:
1) Craziest (not "crazy in love," just pretty much crazy): Stu. Go stalk someone else.
2) Gayest: Fabrice. We know your dirty secret.
3) Understatement of the night: "If I don't get a rose tonight, I'll be disappointed." --Stu. Um, Stu, let's be honest, you probably attempted suicide after the show.
4) Scariest Moment: Mark's present. I died.
Until next Monday, hasta.
The Bachelorite extraordinaire, Mike
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