26 women. Yet something doesn't add up.

Ladies and gentleman (singular), our collective reason for living has returned. This time, it's Sean who will woo our hearts and the hearts of all hopeful hopeless women in 'Merica. Cue the collective sigh when we realize he didn't get ripped in the off season...he doesn't even have a fully visible six pack, which is a 100% prerequisite for all bachelors. Yes, his biceps--which are the size of my thighs--make up for it, but still.

I'm not going to go on and on about tonight's episode, I'll just say it was pretty formulaic until Sean started handing out roses willy nilly during each and every conversation he had with the steadily-increasing-in-drunkenness women vying for his heart.

The lead-in to the season was on par with season's past. A look at his perfect, but empty, life at home. A visit with a former contestant (Arie) in which they practice pick-up lines and kissing. As men. Profiles of a mishmash of girls in their hometowns--most of whom will get roses, one of whom won't. Requisite diversity, including: four (count them!) black girls; an orange beauty queen; and Asian woman; a single mom; a former foster child; and a one-armed blondie from LA. Yes. Seriously. Life. Complete. Thumb up to diversity!

Some highlights of the 26 women.

• Katie is a yogi who doesn't wear shoes.
• Kelly is an orange Oompa Loompa who sings country songs.
• Robyn is a blacktress who did back handsprings and bit it instead of looking smooth.
• Tierra got a rose upon introducing herself. Cue immediate title as House Villainess. 
• Lindsay wore a wedding dress. And got wasted. 
• Ashley, the girl that gives the Midwest its bad name, was incredibly forward in her 50 Shades of Grey references. She also (obviously) got wasted.
• Kacie returned from Ben's season!

At the end of the night, a bunch of chicks got roses while chatting with Sean. So many in fact, I couldn't fastidiously chronicle them, so I'll leave you with this. A bunch of chicks got roses, and some didn't. 

So without further adieu, I'll allow you to go back to watching the National Championship game. Or I'll let the man in your life do that, and you can keep drinking.

Awards:

1. Best quote: "I can't say 'It's not you, it's me,' because it's obviously going to be her." Sean to Arie on his break-up techniques.
2. Worst dress: Ashley, the ghetto fabulous model from Denver, in a stunning drowning mermaid piece circa 1992 prom.
3. Awkward forced kiss upon meeting: Lindsay's kiss on the lips with Sean.
4. Wasty face: Lindsay
5. First tears: Taryn
6. Best job: Paige, the "Jumbotron Operator." There are so many directions I could go with this, so I just won't.
7. Villain: Tierra. That's "land" in Mexican.
8. Frontrunners: Lesley, the DC politico; Desiree, the LA-based wedding dress maker. 

Until next week, drink up and buckle up for a wild ride,

Mike