The Bachelor Update: As a guy who's had several concussions...

It's getting real this week, folks. Girls are crying, they're falling down stairs, they're wearing lycra speedo dresses to the rose ceremony...it's all too much.

The first date goes to our diplomatic politico, Lesley M. As a frontrunner, I'm expecting big things. Sean surprises her with a super romantic date to a horrible museum in Hollywood--the Guinness Museum of World Records. They putz around for a bit, until Sean surprises her with their very own opportunity to set a world record for World's Longest On-screen Kiss! The challenge: they have to best three minutes and 16 seconds kissing on camera. Guess whether or not it's awkward? Correct. It is. For over 3:16, they don't once slip a little tongue to the other. They just stand there, lip-locked, being cheered on by eight wide-eyed tourists the producers found wandering around the depths of Hollywood Boulevard. Luckily, three horrifyingly long minutes later, Sean and Lesley set a new world record and we can get on with this date. Sean describes the kiss and "hot" and "passionate." I describe it as boring. You choose who to believe. Later, they share some drinks and kisses rooftop, and Lesley gets the rose. She's cute and he likes her.

The second date is the dreaded winner/loser group date. One group wins, another loses, and the losers head back home while the winners hang with Sean. Kacie, Robyn, Leslie, Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie and Tierra join Sean on a beach for a day of volleyball and tears. The losing team has to go home upon losing, a situation to which Daniella refers as "literally (her) worst nightmare." So, let me get this straight. Daniella grew up terrified of the day in which she found herself on a beach in a neon bikini competing for a stranger's love via a volleyball game on a reality show that has thrice out of 17 seasons produced its desired goal: love and marriage. Right...this is literally a disaster for her. Well...guess what? Daniella's nightmare was realized and her team lost. Kacie, Desiree, Robyn, Amanda, Lindsay and Jackie won the game and got to stay on with Sean for cocktails and such. It all goes well until Kacie takes it upon herself to be the good girl in the group to tell Sean about the drama she's dreamed up between weird Amanda and cute Desiree. Sean asks why it's her place to tell him this, and then refers to her as a crazy person. Oops...that tactic backfired. Sorry, Kacie. Later, Lindsay gets the rose.

Next up, it's AshLee's turn for some one-on-one time. Just kidding. Tierra is so bummed her volleyball team loss she up and throws herself down the stairs just before Sean and AshLee's date. As one does, of course. Girl, you already have one dent in your forehead, no need for another. But, Sean arrives just as Tierra's "accident" is discovered, and he encourages calling the police. She could have a concussion, of course, and "as a guy who's had several concussions," he would know. Um, Sean...how many concussions, exactly? You have 16 girls vying for your love, and they need to know what they're getting themselves into. Also, Tierra, you suck. The paramedics arrive to save you and you refuse to go because you just wanted attention. Awesome.

Next up is Ms. Adopted AshLee. For a second we thought it would be a two-on-on because b*tch Tierra pretended the date card had both AshLee's and Selma's names on it, but she's just mean. So Sean and AshLee head to a deserted Six Flags to spend the day alone. AshLee, a bit shy (and totally stunning, by the way), says unenthusiastically that it's "perfect." Here's hoping her personality comes through. Upon arriving to Six Flags, Sean tells AshLee that they'll be sharing the park with two kids suffering from a terminal illness who met on a private social network for ill teens. It's amazing because they've become besties, but they've never met. It's actually pretty amazing for real, and Sean 100% cements himself as the nicest bachelor ever. He's literally unfazed by disabilities and he's just really nice. Everyone has an amazing day, and later, when they're alone again, AshLee tells Sean about her childhood of abuse, foster homes, and eventual salvation by amazing parents. Sean tears up as she shares her story, and all of America fell in love with him at the same time. Later, AshLee gets the rose. He likes her.

At the rose ceremony, the claws come out and girls are interrupting conversations and stealing Sean left and right. On a cute note, Sean surprises Sarah with her cute French bulldog. In the end, Sean sends Kacie--clad in a neon lycra ~~speedo racing swimsuit~~ dress--home prior to the rose ceremony beginning because ~~she's crazy~~ he doesn't see a future with her beyond friendship. 0 for 2 Ms. Kacie. Sorry...

Roses go to: