The finale, with one "f"

Ladies and gentlemen, the long-awaited three-hour finale is finally over, and I'm still attempting to recover from ABC's amazing feat of stretching 30-minutes of footage into 180. Truly an accomplishment, and one to which I deeply regret devoting half of my Sunday night. Not really, but still. Before I dive into the review, I must, however, make yet another dig at Chris Harrison's repeated need to bill every single moment (and episode) of the show as the "most dramatic ever." There was nothing dramatic about this finale. In fact, it was anti-climactic. So unless Chris spends his life on Planet Opposite Day in the galaxy of Hyperbole, he's got his words mixed up.

The finale takes place in lovely (and apparently under-repaired...did you see the cracking concrete and missing tiles at Emily's "glamorous" rented house?) Curacao, and Jef is first up to meet Emily's family, which consists of: her lounge-singer mom; her standard-issue dad; her Wrangler-wearing, talks-out-of-the-side-of-his-mouth brother Ernie (what kind of name is that?); and her mute sister-in-law (no one knows her name). Jef shows up with flowers for the ladies, and charm all around. My loyal viewing friends and I figured out quite quickly that her mom looks just like the old dead guy from Tales from the Crypt.  Go ahead, pretend you don't agree. Nothing memorable happens, except the fact that I find Emily's brother to be horrifyingly awkward. Dude, open your mouth and relax a bit. We get you're a hick from North Cackalacky, no need to play the part so well. Her family walks away really liking Jef.

Next up is Arie, who brings her family a box of all the roses he's won thus far. Um, weird. The beginning is filled with some awkward silences, until Emily's mom, really wanting to see how good of a kisser Arie is for herself, takes him away for some questioning. I seriously half thought her mom was going to steal Arie away from Emily, but luckily she didn't. Later, Arie asks Dad for Emily's hand in marriage, and Ernie is awkward once again. Seriously. Open your mouth dude. Why are you only using half of it?

After their time with both guys, Emily's family likes them both and doesn't offer any help to Emily in her decision. Later, seeing Emily struggling, her mom tells her to hold off on any engagement. Thanks, mom.

The next day is Jef's last date with Emily. They chat on the beach, Emily is totally nervous and out of it, and I feared their connection was fading. Was she going to dump Jef right then and there? Or was she contemplating letting Jef meet her daughter, Ricky Bobbi? Luckily, she chooses the latter, and the three of them spend the afternoon in the pool with Ricky Bobbi. Ricky Bobbi, never one for too many words, basically giggles the whole time, and Jef isn't entirely awkward. So I'd say it was a success.

Later, at dinner, Jef and Emily share a night of kissing and canoodling on the couch, and Jef presents Emily with a gift. Instead of the typical gift photographically recapping their time together in a Creative Memories scrapbook (because all dudes scrapbook these days), he gives Emily a book about Curacao, filled with his own stick-figure drawings of them throughout its pages. It was actually pretty cute.

The next day is Emily's final date with Arie. Or is it? Emily first chats with Chris about her internal struggle, and she basically comes out and tells Chris that she's going to choose Jef and needs to let Arie go. He's a good kisser, but will he be a good husband?

Meanwhile, Arie is preparing for their last date by making a love potion with some local witch doctor. Clearly the doctor needs her papers checked, because 20 minutes later, Emily arrives, in tears, and basically dumps Arie before their date begins. Dumbstruck, Arie lets her finish, asks a few questions, and basically leaves. But not before Emily word vomits and successfully avoids saying the real truth ("you're not the one, dude") and hugs him while pressing his microphone into his chest so hard that we can hear poor Arie's racing, and broken heart. It was actually pretty sad. But good for Arie, he made it home with no tears. (Cue each and every single woman in America preparing their tape submission to be on the next Bachelor, starring Arie. That, or cue every woman booking a ticket to Arie's hometown in order to let their stalking begin.)

In the end, a ridiculously well-dressed and dapper Jef presents Emily with a beautifully-branded Neil Lane diamond. After a slight delay, she says yes. Then Ricky Bobbi shows up and ruins all the romance. One question: why did the engagement happen on some random (albeit stylized) street corner in Curacao? You're on an island, people; get engaged on the beach!

1) Best Dressed: Jef. His suit at the final rose was, hands down, the best-fitting and most dapper suit of any guy in the history of this show. I need his stylist immediately, because he's not going to need to look cute in the suburbs of Charlotte, let's be honest.
2) Worst Dressed: Ricky Bobbi. Who let her out of the house in a fanny pack?!?
3) Best Kisser: Arie. Duh.
4) Least Dramatic Finale: This one.

Until next season,
Mike