By the title of this post, guess where we are? If you haven't guessed, I can't do it anymore.
The first date goes to Arie. The title of their date is "Let's Czech it Out." Emily and Arie czech out the city--Arie in a cute outfit and Emily in a tranny mess of an get-up, complete with bedazzled short shorts and cowboy boots. Totally appropriate, right? The date is cute and fun, except for the fact that Emily has recently found out that Arie once dated a producer working on set for about five minutes eight years ago. And then she goes to Crazy Town. She plays games, passively questions Arie about his loyalty and trustworthiness, and it's frankly annoying. Arie, completely confused, doesn't fall for her passive bait. But, Chris Harrison lovingly informs us that--off camera--they discuss the issue and decide it's fine. Why is it fine? Because she loves him and they kiss like crazy. A few comments, though. Emily's staged interview with Cassie, the former lady friend/current producer, is amazing and totally unscripted. Also, Arie confesses he's in love with Emily later that night. It's the first "I love you" people! Amazing. Too early, no?
The next date is with John. Let's be honest, they haven't connected and it's make-it-or-break-it time. Does he knock it out of the park? No. They paint a wall, they barely lock a lock (don't ask) and they share an incredibly boring dinner. Dude needs to show some personality, because at this point, the only personality we're getting from John is from his pink shirt and preppy belt. Cute...but not enough to compensate for his bore galore persona. John, I wanted to root for you, but you're making it awfully yawnable to do so.
Later, when John returns, Sean, smelling a woman in need, sneaks out to search the streets for Emily. Again, this delightfully unscripted (i.e. TOTALLY SCRIPTED) moment is fabulous. Sean searches the historic streets calling out for his love, and Emily, perfectly placed by the producers, unknowingly awaits her suitor in a beautifully-lit alleyway. Sean and Emily share an impromptu beer at the bar the producers bought out for them, and then proceed to make out like they're entering the set of a porn. I'm talking hot and heavy, mouth-eating kissing, including some nearly R-rated hip-thrusting action. Yowza.
The group date goes to Sean, Doug and Chris. First off, Chris is pissed and all he wants is time with Emily. But first things first. Doug gets kicked off in a hot minute. Emily basically takes him aside and says they're not connecting. But first, Doug embarrassingly leans in for a kiss after she says she'd been hoping for a connection. It was awful. Five minutes later, he was gone. And he totally cried in the car ride home. What a girl (in a nice, non-sexist way, of course). Later, Sean and Emily connect more than Chris and Emily, and Sean gets a rose. Chris's blood boils. The end.
The last date goes to Jef. Frankly, he's too smart and cute for Emily (says one handsome co-viewer), and I agree. Also, her tassled boots look fugly. The beginning of the date is scary, because they go to a marionette store. Let's be honest, marionettes are scary. Later, they take their marionettes to a library and do a puppet show that forces me to drink uncontrollably while vomiting and dying inside. Granted, this makes Jef look like a total softy and cutest guy ever (since he's apparently a budding puppeteer), but it's awkward. Until Jef says he's "1,000,000% in love with her" followed by, "can we get a dog together?" Okay, fine. It's cute. And I hate that I secretly loved this.
Later, Jef and Emily canoodle a bit more in the library, thankfully sans puppets. He tells her about his Mormon family, including parents who are "committed to some stuff in South Carolina for two years" (wait, what?). Red flag? Then they talk about moving in together prior to marriage. And then they talk about when they want kids...and we quickly devolve into playing house. I'm pretty sure Emily and Jef just want to fall in pretend love and make half-Mormon babies. But then we end with "I wanna date you so hard and marry the sh*t out of you." Awk and awesome all at once. Is Jef for real? Or are his outfits just cute?
At the rose ceremony, Emily looks like a Disney cartoon disaster as she wears a purple sparkly dress. Emily, as any princess should, has an opinion and will not need the cocktail party to chat with the boys. Chris doesn't take this well and cries to the camera.
Then Emily comes out and says "y'all" 14 times and gives roses to:
Roses go to:
1) Sean
2) Jef
3) Arie
Wait, we're interrupted mid-ceremony by Chris. He tells her things.
4) Chris
Byeee: Doug and John
Awards:
1) Frontrunner: Arie
2) Tied dark horses: Sean (sexy and bone-worthy) and Jef (practical best friend)
3) Just around for the hell of it: Chris
4) Potentially sketchy creepster: Chris
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Trophy Wife. Brought to us by "Brave," the new Pixar film.
This week we're in Croatia. What better place for a cross-promotion of a Pixar film? Ugh, ABC, why are you doing this to us this season? First the Titanic in 3D, and now Brave? I can't. Seriously. But on to the dates.
The first date goes to Travis, the non-personality from Mississippi. Besides knowing some dirt on him from his former fiancee, there is nothing memorable about this fool. The date is boring, although he rates it a ten (pronounced "tin") on a scale of eight. Because that's normal. He gets kicked off.
The group date features John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris and Arie. And since we're in Croatia, why not don Scottish kilts and perform the Highland Games, a tradition native to Scotland? We're in Croatia people...let's do Croatian things. Like...um...okay maybe doing Scottish stuff is fine because what's Croatian? But still...this is ridiculous. (Obviously it's because of the cross-promotion of the ridiculous animated movie, but whatever.) Anyway...the Highland Games feature boys in kilts riding donkeys and throwing things. Sean is good at tossing logs, Chris is bad at shooting arrows, and other silly details. At the end of the day, Chris gets the Bravest award for frankly being bad at everything and Emily felt bad for him. Later, Arie and Emily share more cinematic kisses and Chris tells Emily he "could" love her. He gets the rose.
The last date goes to Spray Tan McGee. Ryan, not afraid of wearing women's tank tops (apparently), is all fired up and oddly-shaven for his date with Emily. The date starts with awkward small talk in front of all the guys, for which the guys mock him as they leave. Arie, appropriately, says "Ryan is a dick," a statement with which we all wholeheartedly agree. First, they share freshly-caught oysters from the sea, and Emily spits hers out as all ladies should. Um...what? It's an oyster. Eat it. Later, Ryan talks about how she's a trophy wife, and he reads her his top 12 qualities he hopes for in a wife, which include: loyal, logical, and a servant. Yes. A SERVANT. Thank you Ryan, for not surprising any of us. We all knew you wanted a woman with no original thoughts who would do anything and any time for you, but really? You couldn't pretend? At the end of the date, Emily sends him home after some begging (an amazing attempt) on behalf of Ryan. He tried some mind games, but our sweet Botoxed Emily might just be smarter than we done pegged her for.
Later, Arie consoles her in her bed. Awesome. She secretly gives her a rose, and it's awesome.
At the rose ceremony, a bedazzled (again, because she wore sequins on every date this episode) Emily--after being unable to kick anyone off and making a case for keeping six guys--gives roses to:
1) Chris
2) Sean
3) Jef
4) Arie
5) Doug
6) John
Byeeeeee: Travis, Ryan. Best of luck with your facial-hair-shaping business in Augusta.
Awards:
1) Quote: "How you say you don't wanna be a trophy wife and you come lookin' like that?" Ryan. One point for amazing grammar; two points for forcing her into a traditional and demeaning gender role.
2) Runner-up quote: "When you're looking at me, you're lookin' at a winner." Ryan. Except we're looking at a loser.
3) Frontrunner: Arie. Jef is in second.
4) Guy she most wants to bone: Sean
Until next week,
Mike
The first date goes to Travis, the non-personality from Mississippi. Besides knowing some dirt on him from his former fiancee, there is nothing memorable about this fool. The date is boring, although he rates it a ten (pronounced "tin") on a scale of eight. Because that's normal. He gets kicked off.
The group date features John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris and Arie. And since we're in Croatia, why not don Scottish kilts and perform the Highland Games, a tradition native to Scotland? We're in Croatia people...let's do Croatian things. Like...um...okay maybe doing Scottish stuff is fine because what's Croatian? But still...this is ridiculous. (Obviously it's because of the cross-promotion of the ridiculous animated movie, but whatever.) Anyway...the Highland Games feature boys in kilts riding donkeys and throwing things. Sean is good at tossing logs, Chris is bad at shooting arrows, and other silly details. At the end of the day, Chris gets the Bravest award for frankly being bad at everything and Emily felt bad for him. Later, Arie and Emily share more cinematic kisses and Chris tells Emily he "could" love her. He gets the rose.
The last date goes to Spray Tan McGee. Ryan, not afraid of wearing women's tank tops (apparently), is all fired up and oddly-shaven for his date with Emily. The date starts with awkward small talk in front of all the guys, for which the guys mock him as they leave. Arie, appropriately, says "Ryan is a dick," a statement with which we all wholeheartedly agree. First, they share freshly-caught oysters from the sea, and Emily spits hers out as all ladies should. Um...what? It's an oyster. Eat it. Later, Ryan talks about how she's a trophy wife, and he reads her his top 12 qualities he hopes for in a wife, which include: loyal, logical, and a servant. Yes. A SERVANT. Thank you Ryan, for not surprising any of us. We all knew you wanted a woman with no original thoughts who would do anything and any time for you, but really? You couldn't pretend? At the end of the date, Emily sends him home after some begging (an amazing attempt) on behalf of Ryan. He tried some mind games, but our sweet Botoxed Emily might just be smarter than we done pegged her for.
Later, Arie consoles her in her bed. Awesome. She secretly gives her a rose, and it's awesome.
At the rose ceremony, a bedazzled (again, because she wore sequins on every date this episode) Emily--after being unable to kick anyone off and making a case for keeping six guys--gives roses to:
1) Chris
2) Sean
3) Jef
4) Arie
5) Doug
6) John
Byeeeeee: Travis, Ryan. Best of luck with your facial-hair-shaping business in Augusta.
Awards:
1) Quote: "How you say you don't wanna be a trophy wife and you come lookin' like that?" Ryan. One point for amazing grammar; two points for forcing her into a traditional and demeaning gender role.
2) Runner-up quote: "When you're looking at me, you're lookin' at a winner." Ryan. Except we're looking at a loser.
3) Frontrunner: Arie. Jef is in second.
4) Guy she most wants to bone: Sean
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, June 11, 2012
"I'm gonna go West Virginia, back woods, hood rat on his a$$"
We've flown from sunny Bermuda to bad-teethed London. Emily is under the weather, if you'd call what London has "weather," but she has to get through three dates this week.
The first one-on-one goes to Sean. They take a tour of the city, do other things like inevitably talking how many kids he wants...and he gets a rose. Honestly, it was not memorable.
During the one-on-one, Kalon shows his true colors to Jef and Arie sensing the impending doom that he'll be on another group date. He says that if a guy were to end up with Emily, pretty much every date would be a group date. Um...no. Rude. But true.
The group date includes Doug, Arie, Chris, John, Travis, Ryan, Alejandro and Kalon. They perform Shakespeare in front of Brits lacking dental hygiene. It was heinous and awesome all at once. Kalon takes it a bit too seriously, and Emily proclaims that he "needs to lighten up--he's too intense." Ryan and Travis get to perform the role of Romeo, while Doug and Arie are relegated to women's roles. It's darn funny.
Later, they end up at Cox's Yard (cue the jokes even though it's a pub) and the gloves come off. But first, kisses. Arie and Emily make out and fall more in love; Ryan gives her a fugly necklace; and Kalon tells his boys that he's bummed about the "exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her." Jigga WHAT?!? Ricki Bobby is baggage? Oh hell to the no! After Doug tells Emily what happened, girlfriend's gloves (fake nails) come off. In her own words: "I'm gonna go West Virginia, back woods, hood rat on his ass." And she does. After barely giving him a chance to explain himself, Emily dismisses Kalon with these choice words: "Get the f*ck out." End scene. (No rose is handed out.) See ya later, Kalon. Best of luck as a "luxury consultant" at a non-existent firm in Houston.
The last date goes to Mr. Fashion, Jef. He rocks a killer outfit and truly nails his position as Best Dressed. The lovers start out at a traditional afternoon tea which is over coached by their hostess, Ms. Jean. The lovers soon ditch the tradition for some pints and fish and chips. Jef consoles Emily about the Kalon incident by saying that if Ricki Bobby is referred to as baggage then she is a Chloe handbag. Oh dear. Um...Jef...no straight man talks about Chloe handbags. Like...I'm getting nervous. You're impeccably dressed, your hair is perfectly-coiffed, and you've yet to kiss Emily. Are you looking for a second opinion, even though your fashion sense is flawless? Gurl, do you have something hiding in your organized closet? Is there something to confess? Nah...I think Jef is a good guy, and he confirms that later in the night, after their dinner in the London Eye. He takes things slowly, maybe in a gay way, but he's a good guy and he likes her. He could be a dark horse. He gets a rose.
At the rose ceremony, Ryan is a douche, Arie gets called out for not standing up for Emily when Kalon was a d-bag, and nothing else happens (besides another good outfit by Jef).
Roses go to:
1) Sean
2) Jef
3) Doug
4) Ryan
5) Chris
6) John
7) Travis
8) Arie
Byeeeeee: Kalon and Alejandro. Kalon is a d-bag, and Alejandro wasn't meant for this world. He's a mushroom farmer for baby Jesus's sake.
Awards:
1) Best dressed: Jef
2) Biggest country-fed hood rat: Emily
3) Quote: Emily's "hood rat" gem.
Until next week,
Mike
The first one-on-one goes to Sean. They take a tour of the city, do other things like inevitably talking how many kids he wants...and he gets a rose. Honestly, it was not memorable.
During the one-on-one, Kalon shows his true colors to Jef and Arie sensing the impending doom that he'll be on another group date. He says that if a guy were to end up with Emily, pretty much every date would be a group date. Um...no. Rude. But true.
The group date includes Doug, Arie, Chris, John, Travis, Ryan, Alejandro and Kalon. They perform Shakespeare in front of Brits lacking dental hygiene. It was heinous and awesome all at once. Kalon takes it a bit too seriously, and Emily proclaims that he "needs to lighten up--he's too intense." Ryan and Travis get to perform the role of Romeo, while Doug and Arie are relegated to women's roles. It's darn funny.
Later, they end up at Cox's Yard (cue the jokes even though it's a pub) and the gloves come off. But first, kisses. Arie and Emily make out and fall more in love; Ryan gives her a fugly necklace; and Kalon tells his boys that he's bummed about the "exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her." Jigga WHAT?!? Ricki Bobby is baggage? Oh hell to the no! After Doug tells Emily what happened, girlfriend's gloves (fake nails) come off. In her own words: "I'm gonna go West Virginia, back woods, hood rat on his ass." And she does. After barely giving him a chance to explain himself, Emily dismisses Kalon with these choice words: "Get the f*ck out." End scene. (No rose is handed out.) See ya later, Kalon. Best of luck as a "luxury consultant" at a non-existent firm in Houston.
The last date goes to Mr. Fashion, Jef. He rocks a killer outfit and truly nails his position as Best Dressed. The lovers start out at a traditional afternoon tea which is over coached by their hostess, Ms. Jean. The lovers soon ditch the tradition for some pints and fish and chips. Jef consoles Emily about the Kalon incident by saying that if Ricki Bobby is referred to as baggage then she is a Chloe handbag. Oh dear. Um...Jef...no straight man talks about Chloe handbags. Like...I'm getting nervous. You're impeccably dressed, your hair is perfectly-coiffed, and you've yet to kiss Emily. Are you looking for a second opinion, even though your fashion sense is flawless? Gurl, do you have something hiding in your organized closet? Is there something to confess? Nah...I think Jef is a good guy, and he confirms that later in the night, after their dinner in the London Eye. He takes things slowly, maybe in a gay way, but he's a good guy and he likes her. He could be a dark horse. He gets a rose.
At the rose ceremony, Ryan is a douche, Arie gets called out for not standing up for Emily when Kalon was a d-bag, and nothing else happens (besides another good outfit by Jef).
Roses go to:
1) Sean
2) Jef
3) Doug
4) Ryan
5) Chris
6) John
7) Travis
8) Arie
Byeeeeee: Kalon and Alejandro. Kalon is a d-bag, and Alejandro wasn't meant for this world. He's a mushroom farmer for baby Jesus's sake.
Awards:
1) Best dressed: Jef
2) Biggest country-fed hood rat: Emily
3) Quote: Emily's "hood rat" gem.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, June 05, 2012
The Bermuda Triangle of Boring
After one full week of filming in Emily's hometown, we're off to an island because it's super important that Ricki Bobby (the daughter) isn't disrupted during the show. So we're going to an island in the middle of the ocean. Because that's close to her house. And not disruptive at all. And stuff.
The first date goes to Biceps McGee...I mean Doug, the dad from Seattle. They walk around, write a postcard to his son, and do some good, old-fashioned fault swapping. What is "fault swapping" you ask? It's where you tell each other your shortcomings. For example: "I'm too good of a dad." Or "I do errands in my pajamas." Wow, clearly Doug and Emily are the worst human beings on the planet. And because he's so horrible, he gets a rose. But I'm going on the record right now and saying Doug has some skeletons in his closet and he may or may not have a tendency of throwing women down stairs or something. In addition, he "never makes the first move." Um...are you a dude? They don't kiss. It's ridiculous.
Next up is the group date. We're sailing, and only one team will get to spend the evening with Emily. It's red versus yellow, and there's a regatta at stake. Yellow wins, so that means that Ryan, Jef, Arie and Kalon get more time with Emily. So...Arie goes first and they totally make out. Next up, my predicted dark horse, Jef. They chill on the beach and connect a bit, but don't kiss and Emily is totally bummed out. It must be the Mormon in him. Ryan is next, and he woos her with nice comments like "you need to hold yourself to a high standard," and "you need to take care of yourself because if you don't you'll be obese." Okay, I made the obese part up, but the other stuff stands. Ryan is quickly usurping Kalon's title of House Villain by being a douche at all times. At the end of the night, the rose goes to Jef. Big hair, for the win!
During the two-on-one, the guys have man time at home and Doug apparently says something about 25-year-olds not having their sh*t together, and Chris takes offense.
The next date is the dreaded two-on-one. She picks two good guys, and I don't envy them one bit. Nate and John get to share Emily for an incredibly awkward day, and...well...it's just awkward. This is truly the Bermuda Triangle of boring. The triangular lovers go on a boat cruise, jump from cliffs and share a non-dinner in some random cave. By "share a non-dinner" I mean they don't eat at all, and Nate refers to the quinoa (pronounced "keen-wah") as Key Noah. Yes, Key Noah is a great fiber, according to Nate. Umm...no. Also, no. During his one-on-one time with Emily, Nate continues his word vomit by spewing forth randomisms about his life and then he cries about him family. Nate, you can't cry on a first date. You just can't. Then, John shines (compared to Nate) by being slightly boring and standoffish. John gets the rose.
At the rose ceremony, Chris takes his opportunity to confront Doug on being awife-beating-piece-of-poo d-bag because he apparently hates people under 30. Chris seems to get his point across, although Doug just plays his perfect "I'm a good dad" role and nothing happens. Later, Ryan has man time with Michael, the pony-tailed dude from Austin, and says something about using his time on the show to position himself for experiences in the future, like being the bachelor from Augusta. Um...no. Your jaw can barely fit on screen this season, we can't possibly try to fit that mess into 12 episodes this winter. There are only so many wide-screens to accommodate that mess. You suck.
Roses go to:
1) Doug
2) Jef
3) John "Wolf"
4) Sean
5) Arie
6) Travis
7) Chris
8) Ryan
9) Kalon
10) Alejandro. Seriously?
Byeeee: Nate, Charlie, Michael
Awards:
1) Best fault: "I'm too good of a dad." - Doug. Wow, you must be horrible.
2) Best weave: Emily's weave at the rose ceremony. No ponytail is that thick. Or that blonde.
3) Frontrunner: Arie
4) Dark horse: Jef
Until next week,
Mike
The first date goes to Biceps McGee...I mean Doug, the dad from Seattle. They walk around, write a postcard to his son, and do some good, old-fashioned fault swapping. What is "fault swapping" you ask? It's where you tell each other your shortcomings. For example: "I'm too good of a dad." Or "I do errands in my pajamas." Wow, clearly Doug and Emily are the worst human beings on the planet. And because he's so horrible, he gets a rose. But I'm going on the record right now and saying Doug has some skeletons in his closet and he may or may not have a tendency of throwing women down stairs or something. In addition, he "never makes the first move." Um...are you a dude? They don't kiss. It's ridiculous.
Next up is the group date. We're sailing, and only one team will get to spend the evening with Emily. It's red versus yellow, and there's a regatta at stake. Yellow wins, so that means that Ryan, Jef, Arie and Kalon get more time with Emily. So...Arie goes first and they totally make out. Next up, my predicted dark horse, Jef. They chill on the beach and connect a bit, but don't kiss and Emily is totally bummed out. It must be the Mormon in him. Ryan is next, and he woos her with nice comments like "you need to hold yourself to a high standard," and "you need to take care of yourself because if you don't you'll be obese." Okay, I made the obese part up, but the other stuff stands. Ryan is quickly usurping Kalon's title of House Villain by being a douche at all times. At the end of the night, the rose goes to Jef. Big hair, for the win!
During the two-on-one, the guys have man time at home and Doug apparently says something about 25-year-olds not having their sh*t together, and Chris takes offense.
The next date is the dreaded two-on-one. She picks two good guys, and I don't envy them one bit. Nate and John get to share Emily for an incredibly awkward day, and...well...it's just awkward. This is truly the Bermuda Triangle of boring. The triangular lovers go on a boat cruise, jump from cliffs and share a non-dinner in some random cave. By "share a non-dinner" I mean they don't eat at all, and Nate refers to the quinoa (pronounced "keen-wah") as Key Noah. Yes, Key Noah is a great fiber, according to Nate. Umm...no. Also, no. During his one-on-one time with Emily, Nate continues his word vomit by spewing forth randomisms about his life and then he cries about him family. Nate, you can't cry on a first date. You just can't. Then, John shines (compared to Nate) by being slightly boring and standoffish. John gets the rose.
At the rose ceremony, Chris takes his opportunity to confront Doug on being a
Roses go to:
1) Doug
2) Jef
3) John "Wolf"
4) Sean
5) Arie
6) Travis
7) Chris
8) Ryan
9) Kalon
10) Alejandro. Seriously?
Byeeee: Nate, Charlie, Michael
Awards:
1) Best fault: "I'm too good of a dad." - Doug. Wow, you must be horrible.
2) Best weave: Emily's weave at the rose ceremony. No ponytail is that thick. Or that blonde.
3) Frontrunner: Arie
4) Dark horse: Jef
Until next week,
Mike
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