To Bone or Not to Bone

Oh I just love this episode each season. It's just so beautifully scripted and perfectly predictable in every way. Each season, women are given the chance to forego their individual rooms to spend the night with the bachelor in the Fantasy Suite--all via a handwritten note from our very own Chris Harrison. This season, the first sex fantasy dates are in lovely Thailand...where the beaches are pretty and bugs are food.

First up is Lindsay. They shop in an outdoor market, eat bugs and chicken feet, and spontaneously get through a choreographed date. Later, they have dinner, they share pleasantries and almost I love yous, and traditional Thai dance. Then, the fantasy date card offers up the chance of boning. Verdict: they bone. Lindsay also struggles to get out the cherished (and now completely necessary) three words. But she eventually tells Sean she loves him. He says he loves to hear her say that. I must say, at least he's original.

Next up: AshLee. Sean's motivation for their date is getting AshLee to relinquish control. Whenever there's a motive to try to get someone to be less of their true self, we have a problem. So there's that. But of course I think the best way to prove love is a series of tests, so thank goodness Sean is of the same mindset. First test: swimming through a cave to a private beach. What would be paradise to most people is apparently an opportunity to be abandoned for AshLee. Side note: her body is amazing. So in the cave, they semi freak out because they get lost and have no direction...but...surprise! They make it, because they're on a well-funded reality show and you can't let people die on national TV. Finally, they see the light at the end of the tunnel (literally) and they make it to the beach, make out, etc. At dinner, AshLee gets the fantasy date card. Uh oh, the preacher's daughter is faced with a moral dilemma (because every season we need one character who needs to think about the fantasy suite option for more than five seconds to keep America guessing). Verdict: they bone (or probably just talk). I have to say, it's RIDICULOUSLY AWKWARD when she tells Sean, without being asked, what kind of ring she wants and her ring size. I MEAN!!!

Last up is Catherine. First off, they're the most natural. So that's cute. I mean, his eyes totally light up around her. They sail, swim, make out in the rain, and do other romantic things. At dinner, Catherine shares her ideas for the future and admits that it's weird having to put the moves on without certain reciprocation. I like this girl. She also admits that she's hesitant (in theory) about the Fantasy Suite. So, the fantasy date card comes, and...verdict: they bone. Also, Sean dropped this little gem to the camera: "Catherine gets me better than anyone else." Later, Catherine calls him a "hunk" and "beefy" and it's hilarious. Catherine shares that she's not used to being in a bathing suit so much and that she's lucky to have found someone like Sean; so Sean, ever the horrible person, says "I'm the lucky one." Cute.

Next, Disney has a paid promotion via Chris Harrison and some random people about their stupid new Oz movie. I mean, come on. ABC, you whore.

At the rose ceremony, a poorly dressed Sean, has to break a heart. I think we all know it's coming.

Roses go to:

1. Lindsay
2. Catherine

Goodbye to: AshLee. So sad. Especially after your tearful video tribute to Sean. At least your boobs are ridiculous.

Awards:

1. Lumpiest: Sean. Sorry your workout routine got off track during the filming of this tragic show. We can't even see your abs!
2. Open Book: Sean. It's Catherine and we all know it.
3. Best rack: AshLee's. Girl...work it out!
4. Best scary devil eyes: AshLee's. Yikes.
5. Cutest: Catherine
6. Frontrunner: see above

Until next week,

Mike