I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish.

It's week 3 in Charlotte and things are really heating up. And let me tell you, things get HOT in Charlotte.  (Sarcasm noted.)

The first date this week goes to Chris, the "good looking" guy from Chicago. Chris is the lucky guy to get the first physical challenge date, and this season it's scaling a wall in front of North Carolinian stalkers. At the top, the two lovebirds share dinner, during which Emily realizes Chris is 25 and she internally freaks out. Being 26, she can't remotely fathom anyone that immature having the capability of caring for her and Ricki Bobby. But, after she bears her RIDICULOUSLY WHITE TEETH (veneers), Chris gets a rose and they dance the night away publicly to Luke Bryan and his "Boom Boom" song.

The group date is a fun one. All the boys accompany Emily to a park where they meet her soccer mom friends for interrogation and playtime with random kids. The men arrive in varying degrees of fashion mishaps, Stevie being the most egregious (naturally), thanks to the plaid, oversized cargo shorts and clown-sized tennis shoes with socks. We all loved the entire outfit. The soccer moms, who are there to vet the young men for Emily, include: two young moms, an Indian Tech Mom, and a cougar. Pretty par for the course. Wendy, the cougar, is most on point as she probes the men with tough questions and thinly-veiled flirtation. As expected, the undersexed wives get at least one guy to take his shirt off, and two men to do push-ups, one with Wendy sitting on his back. Natch. Later, Ryan, with creatively-trimmed facial hair, tells Emily that if she gets fat after they get married, "I would still love you, I just wouldn't love on you." Amazing. True love in the making, for sure!

After a day of questioning and playing with children, the soccer moms choose Sean and Doug as their favorites. Sean eventually gets the rose, but only after we hear 1) Doug's sob story of growing up with an epileptic father and foster parents; and 2) Tony's audible and visible tears about missing his son. The best part? His strategy of playing the overly-committed, emotional father backfires, and Emily sends him home to be with his son (who didn't sound like he missed his dad that much anyway).

The last date goes to Arie, and this is the one we've been waiting for. He's only on the show because he's a race car driver like her deceased baby daddy, so we all hope he has something to offer besides approachable cuteness. The lovers fly to Pigeon Forge, TN (this season is so glamorous, y'all!) to spend the day at Dollywood, the Dolly Parton-inspired amusement park. They are cute, but the cuteness gets majorly amped up when Dolly (camel toe and all) comes out on stage to sing them love songs with tots the size of volleyballs and hair that is clearly 100% natural. If I were there, I would have died, let's be honest. Ms. Dolly in the surgically-enhanced flesh?!? COME ON!! Emily, one for overt emotion, says "I could have died" while not moving her botoxed face. But, they dance regardless, and have a great time. Later, Dolly and Emily girl talk, and Dolly ends the night by singing them another song. Here you can see that Emily has fallen for Arie and we should probably call the season right now. The date ends with a top-three kiss in Bachelor/ette history. He gets a rose. We have our frontrunner, kids.

At the rose ceremony, Kalon is a jerk. As he complains to Emily about not having a date, and how he wanted his first kid to be his own, he says, upon Emily interjecting her thoughts about her child (literally), "I love it when you talk, but I wish you would let me finish." Mull that one over.

Then she sits down with Alessandro, the Oompa Loompa, who tells her that marrying her would be a compromise due to Ricki Bobby. Emily sends him home on the spot, apparently, but we can't be entirely sure because of poor editing by ABC. Low budget this season? Charlotte as the location AND botched scenes? Yikes.

After another sultry kiss between Arie and Emily, roses go to:

1) Chris
2) Sean
3) Arie
4) Jef
5) Charlie
6) Doug
7) Michael
8) Travis
9) Alejandro
10) Ryan
11) John
12) Kalon
13) Nate

Awards
1) Frontrunner: Arie
2) Fallen from grace, and will fall even further next week: Ryan
3) Best kiss. Like maybe ever: Arie and Emily's first kiss. Tingles all around.
4) Worst dressed: Stevie. Duh. Back to Jersey you go!
5) Quote: "I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish." Future Wife-beater of America, Kalon.

Until next week,
Mike

Kermit? Seriously?

We've reached a new low. This evening featured Kermit and Ms. Piggy. Is Charlotte really that awful a place that all there is to entertain the masses is The Muppets? Don't get me wrong, The Muppets are awesome. But really? I'm looking for poolside entertainment, abs, drunken mishaps...you name it; not puppets.

Which leads me to the bad news. I totally missed the first date with Ryan. Why? I'm in my old stomping grounds of New York and I had plans with my most famous friend. So there. And we ate and drank our faces off. So there again.

But I tuned in just in time for Kermie and Ms. Piggy and the flailing fools trying to save face while being on stage with puppets in a Charlotte community theatre. John, Kalon, Kyle, Charlie, Alessandro, Alejandro, Stevie, Chris, Tony and Jeff joined Emily on stage with puppets in order to raise money for some sort of cause while depleting their cool stock simultaneously. Charlie was frozen with fear due to his former brain injury which apparently affects his speech (who else thought that was a cry for help and attention?), and a few fools told bad jokes. The show ended with Big Boobs McGee singing a song with Kermit and her daughter, Ricki Bobby. Emily told Ricki that she sang nicely with Kermit, when we all really know she stood there like an idiot. In addition, are Emily's boobs not ridiculous this season?!?

Later, we have the inevitable confrontation between (name the guy, because they're all going to do it this season) and Kalon. This time, it was with Stevie, the goatee-wearing "entertainer" from Jersey. So...basically...any and every guy from Jersey.

In case you care, Jeff, the hair-donning Mormon got the rose on the date.

The next one-on-one was with Joe "I'll say whatever I think sounds good to win the hot chick with fake boobs on TV." They take a jet to the most glamorous place on Earth, West Virginia. Yes, you read that last sentence correctly. You're welcome. They visit The Greenbrier, a resort that apparently hasn't been remodeled since 1975, and they learn that they're not a match. Why? Because Joe says everything he thinks he should say on TV to the big-boobed girl across from him, and Emily isn't having it. Again...why? Because she lacks a personality. Also, she's too distracted by her HEINOUS PINK DRESS to pay any attention to anything. Yes...that dress should have been the first thing sent home tonight. But, alas, Joe is sent home with no rose instead.

At the rose ceremony, nothing happens except the confirmation that Emily has no personality and should have stayed with personality-free Brad while she had the chance.

Roses go to:
1) Ryan
2) Jeff
3) Kalon (duh, someone has to pull ratings)
4) Arie
5) Michael
6) Nate
7) Sean
8) Chris
9) Doug
10) Travis
11) Tony
12) John
13) Alessandro
14) Charlie
15) Alejandro
16) Stevie...seriously?!?

Byeeeee: Joe, Aaron and Kyle. Bummer. Aaron and Kyle were totally cute.

Awards:
1) Should have been sent home before Aaron and Kyle: that nasty pink dress.
2) Best fake everything: Kalon and Emily. Lips, chest, forehead, cheeks...you name it. They are tucked and taut! And they're only 26...
3) Best quote: "If you have Louis Vuitton luggage, and you're a dude, you're an a$$hole." - John

Until next week...when we see DOLLY!!!

Mike

A minivan full of babies

Ladies and gents,

Last night was the beginning of another 13-week commitment we'll all come to regret in...well..13 weeks. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why, season after failed season, engagement after failed engagement, and fashion choice after failed fashion choice (seriously, guys of this season, what were you wearing?!?), do we subject ourselves to this mess? Because it's just that bad. And after last night, this season is sure to deliver.

I'll keep it short and sweet this week, because last night's 90-minute episode was rather bland when it comes to The Bachelorette. Can we make 90-minute episodes the new normal, please?

What wasn't surprising: this season features (or featured) narcissistic fools looking to further their careers (a singer/songwriter, a "fitness model"), a dude from Austin (Bromack's hometown), countless d-bags, and a race car driver. Nothing like beating the tragic dead husband story to death for ANOTHER season.

What was surprising: this season features a mushroom farmer, a grain merchant who speaks Italian, a New Jersey-based DJ/entertainer with poor fashion (okay, that fits into the Not Surprising category). And don't even get me started on Emily's newly-inflated boobs.

Some highlights from last night.

• Countless awkward scenes with Emily's daughter, hereafter referred to as Ricki Bobby
• Kalon's role as this season's villain. He's a "luxury brand consultant" (a personal shopper at Neiman Marcus at the Houston Galleria, I'm sure) and he arrived in a helicopter. What I loved most? His botoxed face and his outfit that almost hit the mark, except it didn't. Sorry your "luxury" dress shirt had a bad, wrinkled collar. 
• Doug, the single dad, who is far too deep and overbearing starting already.
• Charlie, the dude who had a brain injury after he fell off a balcony (what?!) saying: "I may have had a brain injury, but there is nothing wrong with my heart." No. Just no. 
• Emily, on where she wants to be after the show: "In a minivan full of babies." Ew.
• First Impression Rose: Doug, the single dad who clearly forced his 12-year-old son to write a letter to Emily. 

This season's contenders are:

1) Doug

2) Ryan

3) Kalon

4) Arie

5) Charlie

6) Jef with his party hair and fashion

7) Nate

8) Sean

9) Joe

10) Kyle

11) Aaron

12) Alejandro

13) John 

14) Alessandro

15) Michael

16) Stevie

17) Tony

18) Travis

Awards:
1) Best entrance: Ryan, with the cute "You are beautiful / I am nervous" notecards. His jawline is so defined, he looks like the wheelchair cop from Family Guy. In a good way?
2) Worst entrance: Randy, the dude who dressed up like last season's grandma.
3) Worst dressed: Stevie (of course his name is Stevie), the DJ/entertainer from New Jersey. Also, all the dudes wearing black dress shirts. Unfortunately, they're too many to name.
4) The Villain: Kalon.
5) Frontrunners: Ryan and Arie

Until next week,
Mike