One Bazaar (sic) Night

I ain't even got no time for a witty intro, so here goes. OMG. WTF?!? The moment we all knew was coming kicks off the episode in a grand fashion when Jessie, the boring Canadian chick on last season's Bachelor who we all forgot about because she lacked a personality, calls Ali to inform her that Justin has a girlfriend (cue the feigned shock on behalf of all of the thirteen people watching this show). Then, in awesomely dramatic fashion, Jessie passes the phone to the actual girlfriend, Jessica, an overly-tanned, fake-eyelashed Canadian. Yes, "overly-tanned" and "Canadian" were just in the same sentence. Jessica, struggling through fake tears for the camera, informs Ali that Justin went on the show to further his career and get famous, telling her all along that he'd come back to her and that they're meant to be together. Even though we all knew this was coming, we collectively love this, right? But it gets better.

After hearing the "shocking" news, Ali struts down to the guys' room to confront Justin in front of the dudes that hate him. Upon hearing that Ali has spoken with Justin's girlfriend, Justin, without any defense, ups and walks away (in his trashfest sweatpants emblazoned with some idiot logo) and leaves the place with his bag and passport. It was the ultimate character shift from cocksure jackass to tail-between-his-legs p*ssy (okay, I hate that word, but it was called for). What will hereafter be known as the Biggest P*ssy Moment Ever, Justin evades Ali and her questions and runs around like a loon on the Turkish hotel grounds trying his best to avoid cameras and questions. Dude was walking through gardens and groundcover and reflecting pools. It was awesome. Finally, he summons the courage to talk to Ali. If anyone ever wants a lesson on how to tell when a man is lying, simply play this minute-long segment on repeat. It. Was. AWESOME. Just fumbling for words, creating stories, not making eye contact.

And cue Justin's departure. In what was perhaps one of the best editing jobs in recent Bachelor/Bachelorette history, Justin's exit from the property was not to music, but to the voicemails he left his girlfriend back in Canada DURING the taping of the show. They were filled with "I love yous" and pathetic fodder that just begged to be played on national TV. How much ABC payed the girlfriend for these, we will never know, but it was amazing. So, goodbye to who I labeled this season's D-Bag...best of luck in "entertainment wrestling" now that all of North America knows you're a phony.

Now back to reality. This episode our "world tour" has taken us to Turkey. Kudos to Turkey for getting an awesome pitch to visit their country. ABC made this place look like heaven, what with its architecture, topography and culture--it was as if the Turkish tourism department spent their entire budget on this one episode of this crappy show. Oh wait, they probably did. Anyway, the first one-on-one date goes to Ty, our conservative Nashvillian. The date was pretty much boring. Ali is a dead giveaway when she views these guys as friends, and at this point, that's what Ty is. Even though they rub each other down in the Turkish baths and share a romantic dinner, it was neither special nor bad. Just nice. A few notes, though. Did anyone notice Ty's man-boobs? Wow. Also, how about his admission that his divorce was because he didn't like his wife working? Um...where are we? 1962 Jackson, Mississippi on the set of "The Help"???!!?? He gets a rose anyway because Ali probably figured Justin already went home, so why not?

The next date is bazaar (sic). (Duh, I totally know it's bizarre, but we're in Turkey, so play along.) Chris, Roberto, Kirk and Craig accompany Ali on a group date to some ancient castle thing. Then they strip down and lather up in olive oil and wrestle each other. You know, just like a normal date. The dudes first wrestle professional Turkish man-people, and then they wrestle each other for some alone time with Ali. It was certifiably weird. Craig beats Chris, Roberto beats Kirk, and in the finale, Craig beats Roberto! It was a total surprise. So Craig wins the one-on-one time with Ali and he effs it up by saying all the right things and cuddling with her even though they don't know each other. Another great example of Ali blatantly not being in to him and giving it all away to the viewers through her facial expressions and actions. Awesome.

The last date is a one-on-one with crazy Frank. This time it's literally bazaar...like at the Spice Bazaar. The lovebirds shop, have dinner in a sistern, and talk about their relationship. I find this whole relationship weird. Frank is just a little too ahead of himself. He's in love with the idea of Ali, but does he even know her? And why is Ali so in to him? Granted, she says that a "relationship with (him) scares me" to his face, but still. He gets a rose.

Back at the rose ceremony, Ali has already made up her mind before cocktails. She tells Chris Harrison that she has a connection with all the guys except one, and she's ready to hand out roses.

So, roses go to:

1) Ty

2) Frank

3) Roberto

4) Chris L.

5) Kirk

This means byeeeeeee to: Justin and Craig.

No surprises tonight!

Awards:

1) D-Bag: Justin

2) Potential Crazypants: Frank

3) Best/Worst Fake Tears: Jessica, the girlfriend in Canada

4) Biggest Upcoming Sneak Peak EVER: ABC fully shows us that Frank, Ty and Roberto make it to Tahiti, which is after the next stop: Portugal. Does this mean that Chris and Kirk get dropped? AND Frank ruins her life in Tahiti. What's going on? Is Frank too scared because he realizes he doesn't know Ali? Is he gay? Why isn't Chris in Tahiti? and Kirk?!? I'm dying.

Until next week,

Mike