The first date is a one-on-one between Ali and Kasey. What I really want to know during this date is why he talks from the back of his throat like he done swallowed a frog. But ABC is very coy with what's going on there...so I settle for THE MOST AWKWARD MOMENTS IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY! Literally...well...at least Top 5 Most Awkward moments. Things start off typical (helicopter) and end messy. On the lawn outside Ellis Island, after their 'copter ride, Kasey sings Ali an impromptu and fully improvised song about their date and how he wants a rose. I mean, it's like back to preschool where kids just sing their thoughts...to no tune...just to hear their voice. I literally sweat through my shirt. But then the date gets worse. They go to the Museum of Natural History and spend the night in the near dark running around. And don't worry, Kasey makes up another song while Ali literally chokes back laughter. It's nightmare status, people. Before Ali doesn't give him a rose, he drops this bomb: "Ali, I choose you." Um...she didn't ask you. So, you suck. And you don't get a rose. What I really worry about, though, is that Ali tells him she doesn't want him to leave. I die.
Date two is the big gay happy sing-songy group date. Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathan, Frank and Ty join Ali ON A BROADWAY STAGE. Are you dying? I mean last night, the Tony Awards, tonight The Lion King on The Bachelorette?!? My inner theatre queen is out to play, and here we go. The boys "audition" for a role, and, well, as always, the best looking guy wins. Roberto. They sang, they danced, they wore dance belts...and after all of the embarrassment, Roberto wins. And then he and Ali strip down (he to a loin cloth) and they soar through the air on stage. Literally.
Soon after, the show starts. I mean, I'm dying inside. They are Broadway stars for a night and the entire disenchanted underworked theatre community collectively cries inside. If all it took was a rose on the line, I would have won twelve Tonys by now. Just sayin'. But back to the show that Roberto and Ali are STARRING in as they air dance in front of 1600 people. As their scene ends, Ali plants a big kiss on Roberto's lips and I'm fully jealous.
After the show, they all reunite for drinks. Ali isn't feeling well, but the guys are putting on the full court press. Franks gets his time with Ali, Jonathan gets blown off, it's awesome. Kirk takes her away and tells her to take the night off because she's feeling so rough, and she decides to head home early without giving out a rose...but not before Kirk escorts her home and snuggles with her and gets a kiss in bed. She loves it, the other guys do NOT. I'm just concerned they're spreading diseases. Let's be honest. There are viruses involved now, people...you can't just go around kissing every open mouth in town.
The next one-on-one is between Chris L. (birthday boy) and Ali. He could have chosen a cuter outfit, let's be honest. Ali could have chosen better health, but she's selfish like that. Regardless, Ali and Chris spend the day together...just in her hotel suite instead of in the city. He opens up about his family with her, and it's cute. He's very cute, in fact. Is dude moving up in the rankings. Me thinks yes.
Meanwhile, Kasey is not at the hotel. Where could he possibly be? He's taken a one-way trip to Crazytown. Freakshow goes out to Queens to check out the local tattoo parlor. Nothing like branding yourself after one date. ONE. DATE. Um...for once the previews may not have lied. Kasey may be a legitimate freakshow.
Back on the date, Ali is feeling better and they head out on the town. They head to 230 Fifth for some great views, food, and drinks. We'll pretend for a hot minute that it isn't the epicenter of all things B & T, and we let them get to know each other. Chris opens up more about his mom and I tear up when he mentions rainbows. Then Ali and Chris call his dad together on his birthday, which is oddly touching. I've decided they're a cute couple. Ali decides the same, and gives him a birthday rose. They celebrate on the roof with Joshua Radin and a gospel choir serenading them! A fricking gospel choir!!! I mean...let's just say there are now three frontrunners.
Back at the hotel, Kasey returns from getting branded and pretends like he got a third-degree burn and he's back from the hospital. Um...dude is crazy. Carnie crazy freak status. Meanwhile, we know he has a shielded heart tattoo on his wrist and, in his private words, he's "literally wearing his heart on his sleeve." Dudes aren't impressed.
At the rose ceremony, the boys reunite. Jonathan whips out his guitar and sings awfully for Ali. Okay, let me please tell all future contestants: when you have no talent, please don't share the talent you don't have with your date. It's messy and embarrassing for us all. Thanks for your attention to this matter.
Justin, the wrastler, plots his revenge against Kasey by planning to out his "I'm burned" lie. Let's be honest, we're excited. Justin calls him out and asks Kasey to show him the burn. He "questions his integrity" and the tension builds. It's pretty awesome, because Kasey knows Justin knows the truth. Kasey then shows his branded wrist to the dudes, knowing he's been caught. He wants to "guard and protect her heart"...and he's crazy. I mean, is this guy kidding?!? Is he batsh*t loony? The dudes conceal their horror quite well, though.
Don't worry, because then Kasey has some time with Ali. Before he even talks, we know she's ready to dump him. She was just too weak to do it on their date. And then he shows her the tat...just kidding! Frank interrupts them and takes her away. It's AWESOME. And then Ali is summoned away before the moment to deliberate.
Roses go to:
1) Chris L.
2) Kirk
3) Frank
4) Craig
5) Chris N.
6) Roberto
7) Justin
8) Ty
9) Kasey. WHAT?!?
Byeeee: Jonathan and Jesse.
1) Biggest Freakshow Crazytown Idiot Fool: Kasey
2) Frontrunners: Roberto and Chris L. with Kirk just nudged out of the top three
3) Most Painful Mistake: Kasey's tattoo
4) Surprise: Jesse going home. Kinda shocked, even though he wouldn't have lasted. This should teach him to wear a tie next time. But at least he's back to his dogs.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. shout out to my lovebug.
3 comments:
um.... who is chris n. again and why did he get a rose??
Did you notice that her hair looks like crap in every scene? Even during the Lion King, it was all messy. Like they couldn't take five minutes to make her comb her hair and not look gross.
And man, I know crazy and Kasey is top notch crazy.
Seriously...who is Chris N? Dark horse?!?
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