Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Blondes have more fun. Even with dark roots.

To bone, or not to bone? That is the question. It’s Fantasy Date Night, and we’re in Barbados! I’m secretly annoyed that ABC has chosen to host all three Fantasy Dates in the same location, but I understand that we are in lean financial times, and the Hilton Barbados simply must do for now. But honestly? Ain’t nothing Fantasy-like about an American chain hotel. Just sayin’…

Before the first date begins, ABC tries to fool us a bit by playing clips of the girls debating whether or not to bone Matt in the Fantasy Suite. I mean, honestly. We’re in season 82. We know that no one EVER refuses the chance to bone the bachelor. So stop toying with our emotions, and get to the dates already—which is exactly what I’ll do.

Shayne joins Matt on the beach for the beginning of Date One. I love how Matt is wearing full-length khakis while walking in the water. It’s all just a bit awkward to me. Hello? Poorly-paid wardrobe assistant? Where were you when his pants needed rolling? He was soaked and no one took care of him! Again, must be budget cuts…

Shayne is excited to be with Matt for their “first time out of the U.S.A.” Excuse me? Who says “U.S.A.”? It’s the “U.S.” or the “States,” or, if you’re feeling particularly nationalistic, “the country.” But it’s Shayne, and she’s dumb, so we forgive her.

The lovebirds then jet ski around the ocean while Shayne wears the most bizarre swimsuit I’ve ever seen. Since she’s of the portly variety, she clearly doesn’t want to bare skin (can you imagine how that could affect her “acting career?”). Thus, she chooses to sport some sort of 20s pin-up girl swimsuit/wrestling uniform, and looks like a goon.

After a fun day in the sun, Matt and Shayne have a romantic dinner during which Shayne teaches Matt how to kiss on-screen, like actors do. I love how she pretends like she knows. Please…this is her biggest acting gig to date. Shayne tells Matt, “I love being blonde, I’ve been blonde since I was, like, 12.” Amazing. Matt tells her that she’s his “little monkey.” After vomiting, I continue watching. Shayne lets it all out with the bomb: “I’m falling in love with you.” Matt responds with, “I’m falling for you too.” Notice the lack of “love.” Oops.

Matt “surprises” Shayne with the Fantasy Suit card from Chris Harrison, Shayne reads it aloud like a first grader sounding out her first multi-syllabic words, and the inevitable pool scene/champagne/bonefest ensues.

The next day, Amanda and Matt zip-line through the forests of Barbados. He calls her “honey,” she says “like” every five seconds. It’s really dreamy. It’s easy to notice the lack of chemistry here as everything just feels so forced. Amanda is guarded, Matt is more natural; it’s all rather forced. And I literally can’t stand listening to her talk. She’s an idiot. I really have nothing more to say. She fakes herself into wanting to fall in love with him, but anyone who acts like that is moronic if they consider that behavior “loving.”

The last date reunites another guarded one with her lover. Chelsea comes to the date with tons of baggage and it’s super awkward. What could have been a romantic day on a catamaran and swimming with wildlife turns into hours of awkward silence. Matt tries to coax Chelsea into opening up, Chelsea evades him, Matt falls in love with a turtle instead. (For those not familiar, they swam with sea turtles, and the turtles paid more attention to Matt than Chelsea did.) He’s totally upset about it, and not convinced that it’s even worth having dinner.

But, thanks to good editing, dinner was a hit! Chelsea opened up about her feelings for Matt, she confides in him her fears of being hurt, and she’s finally cute with him. Matt is so clearly in to her, and he’s super relieved. It was almost as if Matt was courting Chelsea on this date, as opposed to Chelsea trying to win his heart. You can tell he likes her.

During dinner, though, Matt may have crossed the line a bit with his honesty. He tells her that he’s more in to her than the other girls. Oops. They go to the Fantasy Suite, and she has a surprise for Matt. She slips into something more comfortable (literally, she puts on some lingerie), ABC gratuitously shows her remove her underwear, and they bone. Or at least they wanted to.

At the rose ceremony, Matt, seemingly distraught, chooses:
1) Shayne
2) Chelsea

And he sends Amanda packing. The goodbye was rather painful as Amanda was 100% pissed. She talks too much, continues saying “like” every five seconds, and just gets mad. I’m sure this made it all the easier for Matt to say goodbye, because she was plain annoying. “I’m, like, shocked right now…like…”

Awards:
1) Best couple: Chelsea and Matt
2) Dark horse: Chelsea
3) Going too far award: Matt. Simmer down on your honesty! Who wants an honest, open bachelor?

Until next week,

Mike

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Lip-smacking goodness

So love still sucks. But we all move on, right?

This week’s episode always promises to be among the best of the season. Meeting the parents is always a big deal, and you never know what those crazies will throw at you. This season’s “hometown dates” episode provided ample opportunity to laugh at the idiocy that is humanity…so without further delay, I should go ahead and do that right now.

Our first hometown date keeps us right in the Southern California sun as we get to meet Shayne’s parents. Before I begin ripping them apart (just like their plastic surgeons do), I would like to thank Shayne’s parents for epitomizing everything everyone loathes about LA. They were plastic perfection, and I loved it! Oh, I’d also like to thank them for single-handedly keeping the plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills in business. But more on that later. And oh, there is so much to say…

Back to business. Matt and Shayne reunite at a restaurant in LA, and are soon joined by the incredibly famous Lorenzo Lamas…Shayne’s “famous” father (poor Shayne is a product of a broken home, so we must meet the ‘rents separately). Mr. Lamas looks like her brother. And yes, he is officially 50 (thank you IMDB). He also acts like her brother by blatantly throwing her under the bus as he states, “She wants to be an actress, but she wants to be a star more.” Amazing. It was so awkward. Her parents clearly held up the ideals of LA while raising her to value everything that matters: fame, blonde hair, and…fame? Basically Shayne’s dad is the personification of a douchebag, and I love it. Total DB.

And then we meet her mother. Oh. Mah. Gahhhhhhh. I would love to know how long it takes this woman to paint her face on each morning. From the pancake, to the sharpie—I mean—lip liner, to the hot pink lipstick to cover her collagen-infested smackers, it was all too much. And then there were her lumpy boobs. She was simply a vision, if by “vision” I mean hot tranny mess. Wait, maybe her mom is actually her dad. Was that Lorenzo Lamas under all that goop and blonde? Quite possibly. Shayne’s mom will be hereafter known as Lips McGee. Nothing in Ms. McGee’s house (or body) was real, and it was all too amazing. Her little sister, Dakotah (brilly), is a Shayne-in-the-making with blonde hair and dark roots just like Mom. It was all too much. Too much, I tell you! How Matt kept his composure is beyond me. Yet clearly Matt was duped by the fumes of the dye-jobs once again, because he totally likes her! Crazy. Never underestimate the power of a good agent/manager in Hollywood! Shayne has apparently signed a season-long deal with ABC! That’ll get her career going.

The next date finds Matt in Durango, Colorado with Chelsea. Honestly, I don’t remember anything about this date except Chelsea saying, “I don’t speak British.” She’s dumb. But her family’s condo has a nice view.

Matt stays in Colorado to visit the beautiful Noelle next. He meets up with her family in Loveland and they ride via horseback to picnic with her family. It’s Mom, Dad and two sisters. Noelle starts to open up to Matt, and they seem really cute together. The family was surprisingly normal and nice, so I just don’t have much to say. I know, bizarre. Well, Noelle was strikingly cuter than her sisters. Maybe that influenced Matt’s decision…

The last date was in Tallahassee, Florida, where Matt met up with Amanda. He goes to their house to meet her “parents,” and craziness ensues. I have no idea how Matt kept it together. Here’s the deal: Amanda hired actors to impersonate her parents, and they did a hell of a job being crazy people. Their marriage was a mess, the mom was a drunk (and a groper), and it was all too fun (and horrible) to watch. At one point, Amanda’s “mom” literally strokes Matt’s chest and kisses him on the lips all while exposing her ample cleavage. It was brilliant. Just as Matt looked like he was literally going to die, Amanda tells him the truth. Honestly, it was a bit awkward, but good for a laugh. Her real parents then come in, and the date is over. Literally, I don’t even remember what they looked like. So much for their 15 minutes of fame!

At the rose ceremony, Matt chooses:

1) Shayne
2) Amanda
3) Chelsea

Honestly, I was totally surprised to see Noelle go home. Matt basically told his sisters he was falling in love with her, and then he cans her. Sad. But kudos to Noelle, she had perhaps the most dignified exit of any bachelorette ever. No tears, honest words, very sweet.

Awards:
1) Hot Tranny Mess: Shayne’s plastic mom.
2) Best plastic surgery work: the doctors who molded Shayne’s mom and dad into what they are today! I think we’ve got some DaVincis on our hands, folks!
3) Quote of the year: “The higher your hopes, the further they fall.” – Noelle’s insight into break-ups. I’m totally remembering that one.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. Major props to Peth and Pustin Jaschal for hosting the viewing last night! I love their dog ‘Ilo.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Break-ups suck...I'm just sayin'

After spending the morning in the beautiful state of New Jersey (please note hefty dose of sarcasm), I am back and ready to blog. You can thank me later.

Episode five involved a trip to Sun Valley, ID, for some skiing, skating, and sketchy behavior. Isn’t it fun that ABC has once again incorporated a travel budget? Remember last season when meeting family dates happened on set and none of the trips were fun? I do. It sucked. But thank goodness our economy is roaring and ABC is able to frivolously entertain us with fun destinations for drama.

The girls were excited to arrive to the winter wonderland, all dolled up in matching coats. Hilarious! Then everyone tackles each other, and it’s a nice moment of forced fun for us all.

The first date was a one-on-one with Chelsea. Is she affectionate? Does she have a romantic side? These were questions to which our Matthew needed answers, and he got them. Girl hates PDA, doesn’t like to hold hands, and acts like a dude. But he throws a humdinger of a line in there anyway: “My parents will love you.” Okay, not fair. Sweet nothings that hint at a future together make it hard for the scorned to get over you. Trust me…I’m not bitter. I promise. For real…everything’s fine with me. No broken heart here! Oops…sidetracked…

Anyway, Matt makes out with Chelsea anyway and she treats him to her very own “Fantasy Suite” invitation. Wait, isn’t that two episodes from now?

The next date is the group date. Amanda, Robin, Marshana and Shayne go skiing with Matt on the snowy slopes. Amanda and Marshana can’t ski, and it’s funny. Amanda is cute about it; Marshana complains. Shayne checks her makeup with skiing and Robin interrupts, a skill that she seems to have perfected. It’s all very predictable. The inevitable pool scene follows.

The last date is a one-on-one with Noelle. They skate and talk about facial injuries (apparently I’m oblivious to their shared pasts) and nothing happens. So fun!

Meanwhile, back at the manse…Marshana pulls out her attitude card and cashes that baby in! She calls out the other hoes when they accuse her of being negative. It was definitely the “most dramatic encounter ever.” Again, please note sarcasm. I just love Chris Harrison and his platitudes.

The pre-rose ceremony is pretty predictable as well. Marshana complains to Matt about how the girls picked on her, Chelsea interrupts and they awkwardly kiss, Robin is annoying, blah blah blah.

And then, the “most dramatic rose ceremony ever.”

1) Shayne
2) Noelle
3) Chelsea
4) Amanda

Adios to Robin and Marshana. We knew they wouldn’t last, although I’m bummed America can’t see Holland, MI next week on TV. Y’all would have loved the windmills and tulips and overall Dutch-ness of it all! The hometown visit could have caused a worldwide craze for wooden shoes, but we’ll have to wait for something else to do that. Like me.

Awards:
1) Most drama: Marshana
2) Spoiler of everything: Robin
3) Rupaul look-alike: Marshana. Tell me you agree!

Until next week,

Mike

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Guest Bloggers!!

As I inevitably do once a season, I have let you down this week. I could not watch the show last night. Get over it.

But...we have guest bloggers!! Two devoted Bachelorites took it upon themselves to blog the show last night in my absence. Let me introduce you all to Chikki Nabre, and Webe Apgar Philliams!

Part One: by Chikki Nabre. It comes in two parts. Her insights are highly-valued and astute and submitted via Blackberry device; hence the short quips.

Part One.

A. Seriously what's with the singing? Do they think that this is American idol? Don't they know it's America's top slut?
B. Ashlee may be the dumbest girl ever. Her laugh is ridiculous.
C. Wait is Amanda normal? I'm confused. I didn't think that they let normal people on this show?D. Pick me pick me pick me. Wait what? Seriously. Are you really that insecure and scary? Dude it's like week 4. Get it together.

Part Deux.

Ok Matt and Holly have an awesome connection and she's sweet but don't really think that she's the one who is going to "ask the difficult questions"

Wait what? He chose Marshana? Did not see that coming! But it kind of makes me like him more. She's super nice and sweet but not all that smart.

Wait he asks real smart questions. I like it.

Noelle seems like she's normal. I wonder if she is the sleeper crier / freak out girl.

Kelly is a drunk. And ps. He'll meet another girl like you. It's called last call at the dive bar.

Ok we know who the 2 are I think. Kelly the drunk and Ashlee our naïve hillbilly.Like his good strong handshake.

Ok wait I might be crushing on him. Ps. Kelly you're not the best. Hate to be the one to break it to you.

Sad Ashlee I feel like I am in a bad high school mini series. She wrote him a song. How could he not choose her?! :)


And to introduce our second guest blogger, Webe Apgar Philliams.

I can recap the Bachelor for you (please note it was the first episode I watched, so some of these observations will fall into the Captain Obvious category):

Our British Bachelor is beginning to understand that when he asked for 22-year-old hotties, he opened himself up to receiving some of the greenest, dumbest, most un-worldly lasses ever to hit the bachelor stage, but his attempts to "roll with it" range from the touching to the nauseating. My favorite parts were him explaining the meaning of the terms "a good sport" and "taking things in stride" to our American hot messes -- clearly very advanced turns of phrase with which only the most high-born European nobles are familiar.

A lot of other boring crap happened, including him not being able to dance, the brunette Robin being hated by all, and the girls attempting to impress him with their knowledge of tea and how long they can do handstands.

He booted the warbly singer chick Ashlee and the party girl who he basically accused of being a lesbian (Kelly) , as well as one of the vapid blondes (possibly Holly). This season is a train wreck and I am so much dumber for having watched it.

---

Okay, back to me. there you have it folks, two amazing bloggers!!

We're down to six hoes:

Amanda
Chelsea
Marshana
Noelle
Robin
Shayne

May the best trainwreck win!

Until next week,

Mike

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Down to 9

This episode offered many firsts of the season: the first hot tub scene; the first shirtless shot; the first staged movie premiere, you get the picture. There wasn’t too much drama last night, but we all had fun drinking wine and mocking everyone on TV all the same, didn’t we? Or was that just me?

In order to narrow the field of b*tches contending for Matt’s love, there were two one-on-one dates and one group date last night. The lucky winner of one-on-one date number one (wow, lots of “ones” in that sentence) was Holly, the perky blonde who writes children’s books. After the first episode in which she sported unnecessarily perky boobs, I’m starting to like her more. In fact, she seems quite cute and normal, with “normal” being an incredibly relative term here. The date found them at the “premiere” of the movie that apparently sponsored this episode of the Bachelor, “Made of Honor,” starring the very lovable Patrick Dempsey. Gotta love the marketing/advertising world! Sadly, said premiere was an event staged entirely by the show’s producers, complete with hired paparazzi, a fake red carpet, and TV hosts interviewing the premiere’s only attendees: Matt and Holly. It was amazingly embarrassing for me to watch, but whatever. They dipped their paws in cement and wrote cute things like “Matt + Holly” and other silliness. Then they went into the theatre and watched the movie alone while being filmed. Who wants to watch a movie with a big camera light in your face? “Not me,” says the handsome gentleman typing up this blog.

After the movie, the lovebirds go to the Roosevelt Hotel to imbibe, to take a hot tub (we could have used more of Matt’s bod, thankyouverymuch), and to make out a bit. It was all pretty cute, and Matt is clearly a good kisser. Here’s my note: Matt, get over yourself and show us your body. We realize you’re not a triathlete like the previous Officer and a Gentleman, but we’re fine with your somewhat doughy British bod. I mean, that’s what we signed up for, right? We get that you like a crumpet now and then…so just let us see! Matt ends the date by giving Holly a rose, and she’s happy as can be.

The second date brings a bunch of ladies together for a game of “football,” or as we employees of a certain all-American fashion company like to call it, Rugby. The gals looked cute all sported up in their rugby shirts and requisite booty shorts. And as we know, no season of the Bachelor would be complete without the Injury of the Season. Thus, Marshana bit the bullet and bit her lip for the camera so as to fool us into thinking there was really going to be some sort of emergency this episode. Barf. I must say, some girls looked hot in their sporty gear. Noelle, for instance, looked like supermodel, and I loved her. Kinda wanted to make out with her, in fact. I’m not kidding. Legitimate girl crush right here folks.

After the game we had the inevitable massages and fighting for one-on-one time. Robin won that battle as she was given the rose, and Kelly, the massaging drunk, was annoyed.

Meanwhile, back at the manse, crazy Shayne and Holly bond over spray tans. Okay, Holly’s stock went down just a touch when she admitted that she brought her own spray tanner. I’m sorry, what? Who owns a professional-grade spray tanner? And what does one do with a spray tanner all alone? Thoroughly confused…

Lastly, we have the second one-on-one date on which Shayne joins Matt in a hot car and they go wine tasting. Let me start with the outfit. She tramps it up in a little black dress paired with heinous, let me repeat, heinous, white boots. She looked like a street walker a la “Pretty Woman,” and girlfriend can’t compete with Julia Roberts. Thus, she resembled a legitimate ho from Hollywood Boulevard. Then she jumps into defending her career and family once again, trying to play off that her dad really isn’t famous, and he’s just “normal.” Well, clearly he’s normal, since I’ve never heard of him and he’s a big fat flop. Um, Shayne? Your famous dad isn’t famous. Newsflash. He was on “Renegade” for God’s sake. When did that air, 1982? The rest of the date goes as planned until Matt pretends like he actually likes her, and gives her a rose. This is insanity. Does he really like her? I think not. He treats her like a child, which she is, and that does not a marriage make.

Matt arrives at the rose ceremony in a nice brown/pink suit combo, looking like a dapper Brit. The hoes go at each other in typical fashion, and at the end of it, we’re left with nine.

1) Holly
2) Robin
3) Shayne
4) Amanda
5) Ashlee
6) Kelly
7) Chelsea
8) Noelle
9) Marshana (Making major strides, people! This is a record! Our world is changing!)

We wave goodbye to: Erin S., Amy, and Kristine. Wait, who remembered Amy and Kristine? I didn’t even recognize them. We wish Erin the best of luck in her continued quest to sell tasty hot dogs.

Tonight’s awards:

1) Supermodel: Noelle
2) House Drunk: Kelly. Has she ever uttered a sober word since arriving?
3) One Sandwich Short of a Picnic: Shayne. Kudos to Matt for that saying.
4) Most “real” bachelor ever: Matt. Love his sincerity. Too fun.

Until next week,

Mike