The Boyfriend versus the Best Friend versus OMFG

It's the night we've been dating for. Jillian is getting engaged to the man of her dreams. It's the boyfriend versus the best friend. Kiptyn versus Ed. Straight versus gay. Hot and sexy versus tank tops and short shorts. I'm not going to go on and on...so let's get to it. Of course, I was busy BYOBing at a killer dinner with the Family while this aired live, so here I am after midnight doing this bullsh*t for all of you, thankyouverymuch...

First we have to meet Jillian's family. Ed is Ed, and her family likes him. Kiptyn is better and they like him more. So there. That covers 60 minutes of the episode. Everyone agrees that Kiptyn wins, he's more balanced. More cautious, yes, but more genuine and in love with her. Ed is all talk and show and we know it. He's also caught up in the moment and doesn't know anything because he wears short shorts. We're all left to wonder: is it really there with Ed? Because it's clearly there with Kip.

Now it's time for date number two. Ed wears a tank top and short shorts as they fly around volcanoes during another heli-date and then change into Aquasocks because it's 1992. Later, he confesses his love for the 82nd time and we're over it.

Kiptyn is next, and he comes right out to the camera with his love for Jillian. Yes!! He's finally there and we love him and all 10 of his 10-pack. On the date it's make-or-break time with Jillian, and he makes it. Jillian soon admits that Kip is "the best catch I've ever met in my entire life." Yeah, you and the rest of us, Jill. They bone again because who wouldn't, and then it's time for the Big Day.

Jillian wakes up and tells us how she feels over forced coffee and awkward, pensive scenes on the balcony. Kip is "the perfect package" and Ed is "fun with good energy." Um...what? I think we have our decision, lovers. She "knows" what she's going to do, and we're not surprised. We're also not surprised when Kiptyn chooses a gorgeous ring, and Ed chooses an ugly one.

Meanwhile, Jillian is getting dressed in her I'm-gonna-get-engaged dress. Kip is the first to arrive. He confesses his love to her in a sweet and nervous way, and as soon as he drops the L bomb, we know her decision. It's written all over her face. And I vomit inside (thankfully not out). "I've fallen in love with someone else," is her response. I hate it. ED?!? REALLY?!?! Kiptyn leaves us tearfully (well, almost) as he drives off into oblivion and out of our lives forever. Ugh...back to his life of breaking hearts because he now knows that being heartbroken blows.

But wait. As I predicted, the love of our collective lives comes back to confess his much delayed love and we immediately forget about Kiptyn. Reid rolls up in a minivan and a bad outfit, and sweetly and wonderfully confesses the love we all (and Jillian) know he had and PROPOSES!!! I'll be the first to admit that the proposal is WAY too much, and Reid should have held his Philly horses for a minute and just proposed getting another chance. It's all in the delivery, Reid, and you messed it up. Regardless, ABC fools us for a hot minute as Jillian is dumbfounded and needs to think about it. Wait...let's be honest...she really does need to think about it because she deep-down knows he's the one and she loves him. But visions of kelly green short shorts are dancing through her head, and she sends Reid packing once again. (With help from Chris. FYI Chris, we're in a fight. Don't push her into a doomed relationship. It's just silly and you're eventually going to lose your job after all these failed relationships!) REID, WE'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!

And then Ed shows up, proposes, and they get engaged. Whoop-de-doo. I'm over it.

Until never,

Mike.

p.s. I just might be forced to blog the upcoming hit, "More to Love." It's the Fat Bachelor, or hereafter "The Fatchelor," and I'm already obsessed. Stay tuned. Ha, The Fatchelor, that's good if I do say so myself.

p.p.s. Shout out to my dreamboat for giving me the final rose and not making me deal with any of this BS.

The Dudes Tell All

I know, I know, my blogcode dictates that I don't blog the "Bitches/Dudes Tell All" episode, but I have a few comments. And then I'm done and off to the dreamboat.

The Reid Conspiracy is still fully alive. Dude is still in the running, I swear.

-"I wasn't ready to let him go," says Jillian with a coy smirk, when discussing her heartbreaking goodbye to Reid. Catch that smirk? She's on to something...and hopefully it's on top of Reid.

-Reid is not present at the episode due to a "prior engagement." Like a pending engagement to Jillian?

-Mancode. ENOUGH ALREADY! David is still dead to us, even with his bearded disguise.

Until next week...

Mike

p.s. My blogcode also dictates that, time to time, I blog in real time. As evidenced tonight...when I posted this before I saw the scenes from the finale. BITCHES, I've still got it. Until next week...when Reid comes back!

To Bone or Not To Bone...2.0

So we got major blue balls last week with NO ONE getting a real invite to the fantasy suite...so we're left hoping for some love making this week. And...well...we'll get there.

We're in Hawaii now, and it's time to turn up the volume. Can I get a naked hot tub scene up in here? It's been weeks, and good lord, I've had it. We need some shirtless dudes, topless chicks, and full on boning, thankyouverymuch. Or possibly a Viagra prescription...

First up is Kiptyn, bald spot and all. He arrives to Maui and is whisked away to a ropes course with little Jilly. Take this from a former ropes course guide (two summers in North Carolina, what?)...their little trist in the sky could have been a little tougher. What were they, 30 feet up? I spent two summers 50 feet in the air, so clearly I'm more hard core than Kiptyn and his bulging biceps. And I also like dudes, which makes me majorly hard core and masculine. So there. After their leap of faith and a cute little zip line, they have a romantic dinner during which Kiptyn is very much in to her. He's kind of turned the corner, folks. Is this guy falling for her? I actually think he is. The fantasy date is turned up a bit when they spend the night together...and here's hoping she grabbed hold of those arms and went for a wild ride.

Next up is my favorite contender, Reid. I'm going on a limb and labeling him the cutest contender left. And I'm sticking to it like a Philly cheesesteak sticks to your ribs and giant ass. These two are BY FAR the most physically in to each other, and my HDTV steamed right up as the lovers made out throughout the entire date. Reid finally takes his first (albeit inevitable) helicopter ride. After a scenic tour of Maui, they have a cute picnic where Reid surprises no one by not finding the right words to express his near love for Jillian. I, for one, find it pretty cute because he's so clearly falling for her and she totally knows it. She kind of annoyingly presses for the words during the picnic and again later, but sometimes you have to just settle for that look in the eyes, right? They're so affectionate and falling in love and we all know it. At dinner, Reid once again admits his indecisive nature. He also admits to being scared when he's offered the fantasy suite...but that fades away as they snuggle and bone in the hot tub. It was hot, ladies and ladies...hot with a capital Reid.

Last comes Ed. Or is he now Big Gay Ed? He spent the damn date in a tank top and short shorts. Who else thinks this 'mo took a swing (or 8) through Boystown during his little hiatus back in Chicago? Me, me, me!!! Okay, I'm g-a-y and I don't even know where to find a swimsuit with a 1-inch inseam. Give me a break. And someone pour that Nancy a cosmo. But back to the date. Ed and Jillian sail and swim in gay outfits and then, surprise!!, they go meet his parents. Total Midwest, and I love it. The time with his mom and dad was a bit forced, and Jillian took the route of used car salesman, as she totally tried to sell herself and her relationship with their short-short-wearing son. Ed pretends like he's falling in love with Jillian and that he's ready for engagement...but let's be honest. He's just trying to say the right thing so he can get out of there because his balls are being suffocated little by little in his swimsuit.

At the end of the day, Ed and Jillian go to the fantasy suite to...um...not connect physically. Dude's nads were probably malfunctioning from lack of oxygen, and although Ed said all the right things, his little man had NOTHING to say, and there was ZERO romance during their sexy time. Too bad for Ed and Little Ed...

Before the rose ceremony, we're greeted by video confessionals from the boys. Kiptyn's was cute, and expectedly macho and surfer dude bro-ish...but fine. Reid's was perhaps the cutest to date. He fully opened up, and you could tell he was so genuinely ready to grow with Jillian. Although he called himself her "honeybear," I cleaned up my vomit and moved on because we're all in love with Reid and want him to marry us. (Except for me b/c I'm in love with my own honeybear and I want him to marry me.) And then Ed and his non-balls drops the "L" bomb. ARE YOU KIDDING?!? I just can't. Jillian's reaction was classic. Total drop-jaw. And I loved it.

At the rose ceremony, Jillian is a little messy. Before she makes her decision, she asks to talk to Ed. Surprisingly wearing pants, Ed obliges and chats with Jillian. He again says all the right things and assures her that he's a-okay. I don't think she bought it. And his suit SUCKS. Who is this guy?

1) Kiptyn
2) Ed.

WHAT?!?!? Are you F-ING KIDDING ME?!?! I'm done and I hate this show. Best of luck with a guaranteed unsuccessful relationship with a) a dumper, or b) a gay in short shorts and a bad suit.

Mike

p.s. Don't bother applying to be the next bachelor. Reid, you're the guy.

To Bone or Not To Bone...emphasis on "NOT"

It's the highly-anticipated "To Bone or Not To Bone" episode, and, well, we're left with blue balls.  Ain't no action to be had on this episode, lovers.  But wait...let me preface this with my famous life.  I did not watch the episode live last night, as I was otherwise engaged in a three-way with Red Sox, Fenway, and beer.  It's vacation week, my friends, and I'm making the most out of a tri-state trip with a blue-eyed stud and lots of fun.  I had initially hired Baby Jesus to guest blog, but he bailed last minute.  So here I am.  A day later...but still full committed.  

Hola mis amigos, y bienvenidos a Espana.  

First up is Kiptyn, who joins Jillian in Madrid for a date filled with dancing, kissing, and awkward camera shots of his bald spot.  Ooops...luckily Jillian is too short to see his balding tendencies.  That way, she can devote more attention to his bulging package in flamenco pants.  The lovebugs learn some flamenco and dance for each other.  The date was fine, but to be honest, I think Kiptyn is a little less in to Jillian than we may have hoped.  He's also a net zero.  Well, not zero.  With abs like that you're definitely in the positive, but I don't think he adds much in the personality factor.  At dinner, they're presented with the Fantasy Suite invite from Chris, and Jillian rejects it!  Don't worry, the theme continues...and we all collectively yawn at Jillian's lack of promiscuity.  Boring.  They cuddle instead and share an awkward evening of no sex and disappointment.  

Next, Jillian meets Reid in Sevilla for a MUCH cuter date full of connection and affection.  They are very cute together, and the chemistry is clearly there.  It seems "effortless," as Reid so aptly observes, and we love him for that.  We all laugh as they muddle their way through Spanish to have a fun day together.  Reid definitely stepped it up this date as he was pretty open with his feelings (even his cute jealousy).  The date ends with no Fantasy Suite once again, and I'm completely happy that the much-publicized performance anxiety clips courtesy of ABC do NOT star our beloved Reid. I'm clearly dying to know who they do, eventually, star.  Right?!? But thank goodness it wasn't Reid tonight! Reid ends it perfectly by saying, "Ella tiene mi corazon."  Babelfish that mess.

Ed, back in black, is next.  We stay in Sevilla for this date which is basically a 20-minute makeout fest.  It's all about PDA here, and I love it.  They are making up for lost ground in a major way, and it's borderline absurd.  At this point I'm annoyed that Jillian is continually saying "doing good" instead of "doing well," but what do we expect out of Canadians?  Perfection?  I think not.  Just bacon.  Ed gets the closest with the Fantasy Suite, after he convinces Jillian to hang out more, and they sleep with their clothes on.  Here's hoping at least a sock came off...

And lastly, our special friend Wes meets Jillian in Barthelona (yes, with a "th" and not a "c") for an Oscar-worthy performance.  The Oscar for horrendous acting, of course.  His game is up, folks, and it's just so clear.  But before the date, he had a great quote about Barthelona delivered in his signature twang: "I had a number one single in Chihuahua, Mexico, so I'm comfortable around Spanish people."  Because everyone knows that Mexico and Spain are one in the same.  And that Mexicans are Spanish.  You know you're from Texas when...

But back to the date.  Wes recites his memorized script with great lines about how they're great together and such, but manages to forget about the romance and affection girls need when they like you.  It's pretty brilliant that they made it through a whole date with not ONE kiss.  I mean, Wes is truly a scumbag, so you'd think he'd fully mount up on her and try to bone her, not stay so far away.  Even if his beloved girlfriend is back on the ranch...who really cares when you're a DB?  Clearly he's too focused on his lines to fully commit to the performance.  At dinner, Jillian comes with the full court press.  She calls him out on doing this for the wrong reasons.  Wes responds basically agreeing, and throwing his manager under the bus.  He clearly did this for fame, and guess what, he's not going to get it.  The awkward date gets fully amped up when Jillian asks him point blank about Laurel.  She asks him to tell him what he said to Jake, to which (cue the record scratching) he responds, "My girlfriend...I mean...my ex-girlfriend."  JIGGA WHAT?!?  JIGGA WHO?!?  And scene.  

Back at the rose ceremony, we know Wes has played his last number one single in Chihuahua when he tells the boys that "If it's me (referring to him being the one going home) I'll be back at home having lots of sex."  I can't even comment because my response would be so witty your heads would explode.  

And roses go to:

1) Ed

2) Reid

3) Kiptyn

Bye to the DB of the year: Wes.

Awards.

1) DB: Wes.  Congrats on winning once again, hereby establishing you as the DB of the entire series, let alone this season.

2) Frontrunner: Reid with Ed closing in.

3) Best drunk, idiotic, black-out limo ride home: Wes.  "I'm the first guy to make it to the final four with a girlfriend."  And 82 other drunken, ridiculous quotes about boning Spanish chicks that night and "cutting off the chains."

4) Next to go home: Kiptyn.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. I'll be back next week, fully bronzed after a week on the beach.  Get ready for that mess.