To Bone or Not To Bone

It's the night we've all been waiting for. Not only do we get to travel to South Africa, we get to see whether or not Brad and the three remaining ladies consummate their love. Welcome to "To Bone or Not To Bone," the once sordid (remember the Andrew Firestone days of heavy breathing and moans from behind closed doors? those were the days), now very tame episode in which the Bachelor gets a chance for some coveted alone (boning) time.

The first date is with Chantal, who is unfortunately looking a bit chunky in her jorts. The lovers go on a safari. Brad very eloquently describes a special moment near the beginning by saying, "I'm sitting here looking at the South African bush." Enough said. After their safari, they enjoy some bites and Chantal gets all selfless and says she wants to put Brad first in her life. Honey, just because your mom married a sugar daddy and doesn't retain her own personality (and spends her days and money on plastic surgery) doesn't mean you have to do the same. And I'm pretty sure Brad's not a sugar daddy, so your fate is sealed. Later, at dinner, Brad tells Chantal that he is the most comfortable around her compared to the other girls. Bold step. The Fantasy Date Card is well-received, just as I'm sure his manhood was well-received in the Fantasy Suite (in this case an outdoor treehouse). To Bone or Not To Bone? I vote Bone. Under the moonlight, no less!

Next is the only date Brad really cares about: Emily. She shows up looking hot in her white shorts and cowboy boots and they ride an elephant around the countryside. Yes, you read that correctly. Afterwards, they watch elephants romping and playing in the water and talk about Emily's five-year-old daughter, Ricky. Is Brad sure he's ready for a five-year-old? He thinks so. Then they make out to an overly-underscored montage of music, kissing and elephants. It was a bit too dramatic for me. Later, at dinner, Emily comes prepared to share her feelings. What I love most is how obviously enamored Brad is with her. He's so nervous, he can barely look her in the eyes! It's kind of cute, actually. When presented with the Fantasy Date Card, Emily pulls a pump fake: she plays the part of the concerned mother trying to set a good example for her daughter by saying just that. But she totally accepts the invite and they head to the Fantasy Suite for some alone time. There she confesses that she's falling in love with Brad, and in the surprise of the night, Brad fully tells her he's falling in love with her too. Wait, is Brad winning us over? I mean he's still a brainless buffoon unable to audibly form a profound thought, but is he capable of honesty and love? Which leaves us with this question: To Bone or Not To Bone? In this case, I vote Not To Bone. But there was definitely some under-the-shirt action once the cameras went to bed.

Lastly is the date with Ashley, who is wearing some very short jorts. She's also wearing an inability to express herself or to successfully answer Brad's questions about whether she has room in her life for him; but more on that in a minute. First off, after a minor freak out by Ashley, they fly via helicopter to "God's Window" (some canyon-like vista which is, yes, pretty). Brad, ripe with blue balls after last night's date, starts questioning Ashley's hopes for her future (where she wants to live, etc.). She successfully doesn't mention anything about Austin or Brad, which leads to some confusion on his part. They do have fun, but we quickly realize these kids cannot communicate. Later, at dinner, they jump right back in to deep conversation. (Brad is looking super cute in his plaid shirt, by the way.) Brad and Ashley, at once, possess the most rapport and ability to talk easily and naturally of all the couples. But we quickly realize the words that are so easily shared are also misconstrued. No point gets across and Brad and Ashley's moods quickly head south. Cue the Debbie Downer "wah wah." Later, at the Fantasy Suite, Ashley puts it perfectly: "We're off our game." No kidding. I actually felt bad for them here because you can tell that they both like each other, they want to progress together, but they simply can't get their points across. Brad needs to hear that she has room for him in her life; she wants to tell him just that. But it just didn't happen. As Ashely put it later, their words were "lost in translation." Spot on, sister. To Bone or Not To Bone? I vote a very emphatic Not To Bone. Then again, there could have been a Hate Bone.

So after the dryest To Bone or Not To Bone week in history, Brad is left utterly confused (and probably horny). And the shirtless scene confirmed that he's also left with less of a six-pack than he had at the beginning of the season. Boo. He should probably buy the workout DVD in which I starred. Just saying.

The ladies arrive to the rose ceremony only to have Brad ask to speak to Ashley privately. She knows what's coming, you can just tell. Brad puts it right out there: "I don't know if I fit into your life," to which Ashley doesn't have an answer. If I were her, this is where I would have told him that he does. But it's too late, and Brad says he has to tell her goodbye. In what is perhaps one of the most dignified exits ever, a broken-hearted Ashley says goodbye and drives off in the South African abyss. It's all about timing. Best of luck being a dentist. And sorry you didn't get accepted to medical school.

Back at the rose ceremony, Brad asks Chantal and Emily to accept his roses because love is a two-way street. They both accept.

So there you have it. Our final two are:

1) Chantal

2) Emily

This is Emily's proposal to lose; so we'll see in two weeks what happens!

Awards:

1) Frontrunner: Emily

2) Quote: "I'm sitting here looking at the...bush." -Brad

3) Biggest mistake: Chantal packing on the Bachelor 15 since the beginning of the season. This isn't a freshman dorm, honey. It's national TV.

Until next week (I usually don't blog the Bitches Tell All, but we'll see how much wine I have next week),

Mike

Hometown heroes

First off, how about the redesign of your favorite blog? In honor of Fashion Week, I gave The Bachelor Update a new look...a very on-trend 70s throwback vintage photo background with a clean white design. Good, no? As Heidi says, one week you are in, the next you are out. I have a feeling I'll be in, but let me know.

As your eyes ease into the new look, please allow your cold hearts to ease into four hometown dates--unfortunately possibly the most boring "Meet the Families" episode ever. Where were the gun-toting, threat-wielding dads? And the drunk, inappropriate moms? Sure, we had our share of taut-faced MILFs and families reeking of new money (Chantal's), but there was very little drama. I'll try to create some on my own.

We fly west first. In Seattle, we meet Chantal and her rich family. We quickly learn that Chantal lives four streets away from her family in a nice little house that was clearly financed by her parents because Chantal is an Executive Assistant. She also has two cats (barf) and a "dog" that weighs two pounds and wears a sweater. After hanging at Chantal's pad for a beer, Bromack and Chantal head to her parents' McMansion where we meet her personality-free father (who is wearing an awful purple shirt), and her mother who cannot emote due to too much plastic surgery. We also met her brother, but he didn't get a word on camera the whole date, so who cares. I was really hoping the mom would make a move on Brad, but no go. Was I the only one surprised to see a Texas-style bimbo MILF in Seattle? Are there women like that there? Is it okay to be skinnier than your daughter in the land of Birkenstocks? Overall, the date was a success and it ended with Chantal's dad offering up their blessing without Brad even asking. Hmm...I give this date a B. Good, but not great.

Next we travel WAY east to Madawaska, Maine. Yup, you're right in thinking that you've never heard of it. Apparently it's the Northeastern-most city in the 48 contiguous States. Fun fact! It's also essentially Canadian, so we all know how I feel about that: it's borderline (literally) nonexistent. But what the city lacks in, well, everything, it made up for in the best hometown date of the night. Ashley meets Brad first at the restaurant at which she was a waitress back in the day where they share a plate of poutine, which is a Canadian (what?!) delicacy of fries smothered in cheese and gravy. Awesome. Brad thanks the waitress by saying "si" instead of "oui," but we forgive him because he's stupid and he looks cute in his henley (present in three of four dates tonight). Nice job, stylists. At home, Ashley's family is overzealous but cute, and the date is a hit. Anyone notice the sister's tats? Way to represent, Madawaska! This date gets a solid A.

Next we head back west to Chico, California. Nothing says romance like a mausoleum and crematory, and that's where this date begins. Shawntel, a funeral director, shows Brad the ropes of death, and Brad is none-too-impressed. In fact, he's horrified and his face is a dead giveaway. My favorite part? Brad lying on the prep table where Shawntel would normally embalm the deceased after which Shawntel says about Brad: "If you can come in my funeral home and lay on a prep table...I've never had that before." Really? You mean it's not normal for your dates to accompany you to Death Central while you walk them through the ins and outs of replacing blood with chemicals? I did enjoy seeing the real life "Six Feet Under" though. It was like the show, only hotter and in a miniskirt! After Death 101, we had to Shawntel's house where we meet Mom, Dad, and her two sisters, Destiny and Vanessa. Yes, you read that correctly. The date was okay, but after a morning at the crematory followed by an afternoon during which Brad realized her dad was depending on her to take over the family business and NEVER leave Chico, this wasn't the best date. I'd rate it a C+/B-.

Lastly we head to Charlotte, North Cackalacky where we meet Emily and her daughter Ricky. Is it just me, or does everyone think of The Ballad of Ricky Bobby every time her name is mentioned? Awesome. As expected, Ricky is super shy and silent upon meeting Brad; but Emily has never seemed more comfortable. Brad gives Ricky a kite to warm her up, and eventually he gets the little nugget out of her shell. Later, they head to Emily's (very nice and totally Southern) red brick colonial with plantation shutters to have a simple dinner and a night in. Brad is 100% in love with Emily and he reverts to a 12-year-old by making it completely obvious. He is so hung up on respecting her daughter and the fact that Emily is a mom that he says he is not going to kiss her because Ricky is asleep upstairs. Emily, not one to ever say anything forward or express an opinion, essentially says, "Thanks, but kiss me anyway," and asks for some loving. Brad, the lovestruck goof, doesn't go for it and tries to see himself out. But before he can awkwardly exit, Emily kisses him on the doorstep and it's cute. Overall date: A-. Yes, he totally loves her. And kudos to Emily for taking some initiative.

So after four uneventful hometown dates, we head back to New York to drop one of these bimbos.

Roses go to:

1) Ashley

2) Emily

3) Chantal

Which means all the talk of burning bodies, embalming and consoling families through death didn't so much resonate with Brad. So we bid adieu to Shawntel and wish her the best. She was cute, actually. So best of luck to her. Just a piece of advice: don't put your next date on the prep table. I think people only need to be there once in life, and that's after death. Basically we don't ever need to be there alive. Thanks.

Awards:

1) Next Botox spokesperson: Chantal's mom

2) Best hometown date/family visit: Ashley

3) Frontrunner: Emily

Until next week,

Mike

Happy Valentine's Day, Crazy! And goodbye.

Lovers, friends, and fellow film stars,

Again, I apologize for the delay in posting this all-important review of the Best Show on Television. While you were snuggling with your lovebugs on the most romantic day of the year watching this historic moment in television history, I was flying back from a shoot in LA enjoying a dinner of pretzels and ginger ale while watching amazing movies like the blockbuster "Life As We Know It" starring Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel. What? You were in a film shoot, you ask? Why yes, I was. No big deal. I'm famous, remember?

Before I get to the recap, I want to let you know that I realized two things this episode: 1) I want to go to Anguilla; and 2) this show is dumb and I'm thinking my time was better spent on Delta Airlines pondering Josh Duhamel's hotness.

This episode, the six remaining ladies join Bromack on the lovely Caribbean island of Anguilla for three one-on-one dates and one group date (from hell). The one-on-one dates will not have roses, however.

The first date goes to the only girl he is truly falling for: Emily. The lovers take a helicopter (official helicopter count is now at 8, I believe) to a private island where Emily reinforces the fact that she is pretty and sweet and lovely, but I still question her ability to have original thoughts and/or opinions. A Southern princess, indeed! While Emily intimidates Brad with her eternal wisdom and deep thoughts, Brad becomes legitimately nervous around her as he confesses his feelings for her. This is the beginning of the "Breaking the Rules" theme of the evening. He then continues to break the rules at dinner where he assures Emily that, although he can't give her a rose on their date, he plans to give her a rose at the rose ceremony. Okay, Brad's therapy is paying off. He's actually honest with the girls this season! He also presses the issue with Emily's daughter saying he'd love to meet her: "It would be huge to me if you'd allow me." Wow, Brad. Beautifully said, as always. But I'll give Emily some credit here. She's no floozy like Michelle, whose daughter has probably met each and every gentleman caller Michelle has ever entertained. Emily is hesitant to introduce her daughter to men, and it's understandable. All in all, the date goes well and Emily is solidifying herself as a genuine contender for Brad's boring heart.

The next date goes to Shawntel N. They enjoy a day on the streets of Anguilla, taking in the sights and sounds of the market, a picnic with some goats (what?!?), and a lovely dinner on the water. Brad is admittedly looking for some clarity on this date to see if they've got a genuine connection. Shawntel comes out with the fact that she's falling in love with him, and things go well. The dinner ends with a concert by Bankie Banks, who Brad aptly describes as "possibly the most famous singer in Anguilla." I literally choked on my coffee at that little gem. As if there is a huge pool of famous singers in Anguilla with which Bankie is competing. Amazing. The date ends with a strip-down and a midnight swim in the ocean where we realize both Brad and Shawntel have gaudy tramp stamps on their backs. Aww, so sweet.

The final one-on-one date is the long-awaited date between Britt and Brad. Wait, who is Britt? Have we met her before? Poor thing. I didn't even know what she did for a living. Apparently she is a food writer...a food writer with a pretty hot bod, if I don't mind saying so myself. I'm convinced she doesn't ingest the food she critiques. She's a spitter, people. But back to the date. Britt and Brad have a lovely day on a yacht, classily named "El Jefe," which is "The Boss" to you gringos. After the lovers do some cliff jumping and swimming in the turquoise waters, they chat on the beach. Britt confesses that she is not good at showing affection, which is great for Brad to hear since he's now an expert at all things relationships. At that point, her fate is essentially sealed. They enjoy a nice dinner on the yacht deck filled with small talk, and Brad cuts right to the chase by breaking more rules: he says he doesn't have a romantic connection with her and doesn't see it going anywhere. Okay, fine. I see that they don't have the connection he's seeking. But Brad has also spent next to zero time with her and I think he's jumping the gun a bit. It's a bit too soon for me, but Brad lets her go and she speeds off in a zodiac, while Brad stays on El Jefe.

The group date begins at 2 a.m. (yes, you read that correctly) when Brad wakes up Ashley, Chantal and Michelle for their Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue photo sunrise photo shoot, on newsstands today! How's that for a coincidence! As the photo shoot commences a few hours later, the editor calls out the quote of the episode: "How do you feel about taking your top off?" Um...best quote ever. Ashley and Chantal, the two I would have predicted to be the least apt to drop top dive right it. Ashley is cute and playful as she is photographed, and Chantal quickly transforms from self-conscious and body-hating to a sultry seductress as she makes mad passionate love to the sand. But while these girls got crazy with seashells and sand, Michelle chooses Brad as the object of her affection. In typical Crazypants fashion, Michelle gets overly aggressive and does the shoot while straddling Brad and making out with him. I won't humor Michelle with much, but she is simply gross. As are her vein-filled solid volleyball boobs. Is that what a Salt Lake City boob job looks like?

Needless to say, Michelle's seduction of Brad starts the "hell" portion of the date off with a (almost literal) bang. Ashley questions her connection with Brad, Chantal begins crying for five hours, and Brad accuses Michelle of being a "volatile woman." Um, you think? At the end of the date, Brad gives the rose to Ashley, at which point he is greeted with a death stare from Crazy and more tears from Chantal. Talk about awkward!

At the rose ceremony, Brad keeps breaking the rules. He tells Chris Harrison that he has no need for a cocktail party before he hands out the roses since his mind is made up. Could he finally be coming to his senses?? So, off to the rose ceremony we go.

Roses go to:

1) Ashley

2) Emily

3) Shawntel

4) Chantal

Which means we say goodbye to Britt and Michelle/Crazy! Brad has a brain after all! Michelle's dismissal is perhaps the most awkward yet. She doesn't say a word to Brad as he escorts her out, and she drives away in complete silence as she lays down on the back seat of the limo and ponders her life and its many mistakes (bad boob job and general craziness included).

Awards:

1) Best quote: "How do you feel about taking your top off?" - SI Editor

2) Fakest ta-tas: Michelle's

3) Frontrunner: Emily

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. Has anyone else noticed that Brad's six pack may be fading? I'm nervous he's gotten weighed down by Crazy. Luckily she's gone now, so go take a jog, Bromack. And do some upkeep on your core. No one likes you. They only like your rockin' bod.

P.P.S. If you know me, you know that I strongly believe Canada is a mythical place to the North that...well...doesn't exist and is simply too bizarre and cold to comprehend. As an anti-Canadian, I would be remiss not to mention perhaps the best anti-Canadian spoof in recent history (although it has nothing to do with The Bachelor). I would like to thank 30 Rock for furthering my beliefs that Canada equates to craziness. Here's a few snippets from this week's episode.

-"We can't go to the hospital, this is Canada. If she's born here...good God...she'll be Canadian!"

-"In your opinion, what is so bad about being Canadian?" To which Jack and wife respond, "Your milk comes in bags. BAGS! Your pavilion in Epcot doesn't even have a ride!"

-"How far is the border?" "I don't know. When I asked the lady at the desk, she told me in kilometers!"

-"Aren't you in Canada?" "Yes, my daughter is Canadian-American, but I'm going to treat her just like a human baby."

Thank you, 30 Rock, for validating the truth-slash-conspiracy that is Canada.

Costa Rican Craziness

This episode we fly from Sin City to Costa Rica, the idyllic Central American paradise of black sands and black souls (Michelle's) so we can use the backdrop of the jungle to fall more in love with Brad and his tufted blond cowlick. I would say this is also the episode in which we realize that Michelle is legitimately batsh*t Crazy, but that happens every episode and I'm beginning to think that each time she's on screen is another episode of Groundhog's Day. Before I get into the episode, though, does anyone else notice how there is all this footage of the girls driving through Costa Rica en route to the resort in some bus, but then they arrive in a silver Mercedes SUV? Hilarious. ABC, either rent the SUV or don't, but don't pretend like you're not saving money by piling these girls into a busted-ass bus and then switching out cars at the entrance to the resort.

As always, we have three dates: two one-on-one dates and one group date. The first one-on-one date goes to Chantal. Of course the date can't begin without a Michelle freak out during which she confesses that she hopes Chantal gets attacked by apes or monkeys. You know, because that's normal.

The date begins by Brad picking up Chantal in a--surprise!--helicopter. Real original, Brad. On this date, Brad hopes that he and Chantal can get back to their "old ways." Wait, what old ways? From the 20 minutes they've spent together this season so far? I'm confused. Anyways, they fly to the jungle and have a zip line adventure on the world's longest zip line. Not going to lie: I fully want to do this. Just not with a brainless loser like Brad. Afterwards the lovers share a romantic nighttime picnic by the river. Until the rain starts two minutes later and they relocate to Brad's hotel room. What? Is this a little soon? Is it also a little soon that Chantal changes out of her wet clothes and puts on Brad's white dress shirt? Maybe. But Brad loves it and he's totally turned on. Needless to say, they make out. Brad asks Chantal not to play games (after her emotions last episode) and they fall for each other. I actually think Brad likes her because he eventually says, "This could happen every night." I'm sure he's less focused on the kissing and more focused on the lead-up to the inevitable bone, but it's cute regardless. Chantal gets a rose.

The group date finds Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel and Britt rappelling down a waterfall. Of course, Michelle pitches a fit because she's pissed that Brad clearly isn't holding up his end of their "pact" not to rappel without each other again. Oh boo hoo, Michelle. Go take a Xanax and relax, you freak show. The girls rappel down one by one, leaving Michelle for last. Before they make the leap, Michelle takes the opportunity to hit Brad a few times and to make it very evident she's pissed. Brad, wasting no time, pretends like he saved Michelle for last so that he wouldn't reneg on their pact. Meanwhile, Michelle is "100% confident" she'll get the rose. Oh really, Mary?

Later that evening, the group date continues back at the resort in the hot springs hot tub. Surprise! (I hope everyone noticed that Part 2 of every date in this episode was back at the resort. Apparently the Costa Rican jungle doesn't have much to offer in terms of nighttime date venues.) Staying completely in character, Michelle classes it up by saying that "Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to go home and *#%k him." Wow. Classy, Michelle. You are pure class. Emily then confides in Brad that she finds that liking him is scary and that she's worried she'll sabotage their developing love like she has in relationships past. Brad gets a little nervous about that. But then Michelle/Cray Cray arrives to tell Brad that she's pissed that Chantal got a rose on their date, to which Brad responds that she is pissed at him for "nothing." Um, yes, that is what Crazy people do. They cause needless drama simply for drama's sake. At the end of the date, Brad decides not to hand out a rose because he is not confident. Cue Michelle Freak Out Part 82.

The last date is the long-awaited one-on-one with Alli. The date, titled "Meet Me at the Altar," leaves us guessing as to what that implies. Brad arrives on horseback and Alli and Brad saunter off to a cave, through which they meander their way to the "altar" which is this naturally-formed stairway/waterfall thing. Alli had a couple freak outs because of her crippling fear of bugs (and bats), but Brad comforts her and they relax on the altar. Later that night (back at the resort, duh), they share an awkward small-talk-filled dinner on some sort of sinking island in the pool. Yeah, you read that correctly. I must admit, I had high hopes for Alli. She seems normal, cute, and fun; but her personality didn't shine through and they had zero chemistry beyond that of a friendship. So Brad ultimately decides not to give her a rose and she leaves in tears. Kudos to Brad for calling it like it is, though.

After the date, Brad heads home and admits he's is emotionally spent. He needs time to clear his head and relax. But wait! Crazy arrives to his hotel room shortly thereafter and accosts him about his decisions. Red flag (number 82) much? Michelle talks to Brad on his couch and essentially offers up her opinions on everything: Chantal is not for you; I am pissed at you; this is your decision, but here's my opinion; the girls will go home in the following order...and so on. I love how Michelle repeatedly says, "It's up to you," but then immediately launches into her diatribe on what should happen. "But yeah, Brad, it's totally up to you. This is what I think should happen and here's my opinion. But it's totally up to you. But I think you should do this. And everyone sucks but me. But it's your decision." Awesome Michelle. You're totally not Crazy, I promise. At the end of this attack, I actually think Brad is realizing that there is a hint of Crazy behind her (not so) pretty face. But I'm still concerned that he's under her spell in some way.

At the rose ceremony, Brad arrives looking emotionally exhausted. Nice girls like Emily open up more to Brad. Emily tells Brad she's feeling vulnerable, but apologizes for telling him of her knack of sabotaging relationships. Brad and Emily clearly have chemistry, and he's relieved to hear that she won't ruin what they have. Shawntel relaxes him by playing the silent game (what?) and ultimately making out with him. Chantal confesses that she's falling in love with him (again, WHAT?!?!). Isn't this a bit too soon, Chantal? After like one date? But Brad oddly loves it and it makes him feel better. I guess she has nothing to gain by her confession since she already has a rose, but still. And then, Cray Cray arrives. Brad comes out by saying that she is scaring him with her antics of causing drama and telling him what to do. Michelle, a skilled Crazy Person, quickly turns the tables and twists the truth by saying that Brad asked her for her opinions. Um, no, he didn't. And we all hate you.

Roses go to:

1) Chantal

2) Ashley

3) Emily

4) Britt (Surprise of the night! This girl has gotten NO face time yet.)

5) Shawntel

6) Michelle (Cue the collective barf in the toilet.)

Goodbye to: Alli and Jackie.

Tonight's awards:

1) Villain/Crazy/Liar/We Hate You: Michelle

2) Quote (tie): A) "I don't know if I'm crazy." - Michelle. Um, yes you do. B) "I obviously didn't grow up in a jungle." - Emily. North Carolina doesn't count?

3) Frontrunner: Chantal, with Emily trailing just behind. Or vice versa.

Until next week,

Mike