The Hometown Date episode. Always an hour full of fun and surprises. Past years have brought us gun-wielding fathers, artificial insemination apparati for horses, parents who speak no English…but that’s all in the past. This year we have trashy hair salons in Wichita, freaky moms in California, and, well, let’s get to it.
The first date (preceded by requisite shower scene as Brad prepares to travel) takes us to Wichita, KS. We visit a scantily-clad Jenni at some theatre where she thoroughly embarrasses herself by dancing poorly for Brad. She gets on stage and shows Brad what she’s made of. Very little. Are you kidding? It’s like a 6th-grade talent show with girls in pink bedazzled tights dancing for pre-pubescent boys in the cafetorium during fifth period. And then we go meet the family at the hair salon. Yes, the hair salon, complete with Grandma wearing a granny slogan tee. Amazing. Grandma asks Brad if he’s a drinking man as they all imbibe beverages during lunch. So weird. And then her mom washes Brad’s hair. I mean…has she inhaled a few too many bad dye jobs over her years at the Wichita family salon? I can’t. It’s just too much. By the end, I feel like the crazy chemistry they once had has faded a bit, but let’s wait and see. And Jenni? Lose the dress. And the trashy family.
Back to California to meet Sheena’s family. Brad meets Sheena in Walnut Creek, CA, just outside of Berkeley. I know this because I’m famous and I travel for work…err…used to travel for work until I assumed my new glamorous life. But back to the point. Sheena’s parents pull up and take the lovebirds tubing…behind a boat that’s FAR too large to be pulling tubers. A 34-foot Sea Ray is no boat for sports on water (I would have said watersports but that word has negative connotations). I know this because I’m basically a yachtsman. And I’m famous. Then we go back to Crazy Mom talking about stars aligning and signs and pure ridiculousity. I’m so serious. I would have removed myself from the conversation immediately. I also would have had to throw up the entire time my mom talked to me about the wedding plans. It’s just too much. She is a loony tune, and Sheena is clearly embarrassed and nervous as her mother is now her biggest liability.
Date three: Canton, GA for a Big Fat Greek Hometown Date. She brings the clichéd Georgia peaches, and I’m bored. They immediately go to the house to meet the dad, family and step-mother. DeAnna’s bitchiness falls by the wayside as she sees her family. And speaking of family…Grandma and Grandpa come over with “the booze” and I’m immediately in love. The grandfather says “Let’s party,” and I seriously think he might be the coolest. They force him to take 82 shots, and I’m not sure how he held it together.
The last date reunites Bettina and Brad in Hell…I mean, at Bettina’s parent’s place in DC. Her dad’s house is totally gorgeous…but that’s about all that’s cute. They question his education, his business, and her father says, “That’s a great disappointment.” He runs a “bunch of bars” and they’re totally judgmental. I mean, I’ve never judged anyone my entire life, so basically these people suck. I mean, your daughter is on The Bachelor. Are you really surprised by what’s happening on the show? Your divorced daughter is basically on a dating show. You knew this. Father takes Daughter out to chat and he’s 100% professor in a bad way. No feelings, all academic. Blah blah blah. The moms question Brad at the same time, and they suck too. Brad is totally offended and I actually feel bad. Bettina tries to tell Brad that she’s “not really that good on paper either,” and that heats him up more. He kind of goes off on her without raising his voice. Poor guy. He’s pissed and he hates her.
In the end, Brad chooses:
1) DeAnna
2) Jenni
3) Bettina
Sayonara to Sheena, which is a massive slap in the face after his horrible date at Bettina’s. Yikes…I guess Crazy Mom really proved she was a crazy one.
Awards:
1) Most boring Hometown Date episode ever: This one.
2) Least talented Phoenix Suns dancer: Jenni. Remind me to go get popcorn during halftime of the next Suns game I go to.
3) Worst parents: Bettina’s. Best of luck winning. Brad hates your family…fat chance.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, October 29, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Biggest Meltdown Ever
A bottle of wine later, I commence writing.
Chris begins the episode by announcing the next three dates: two one-one-ones and a group date. He is also wearing one of the most tragic shirts I’ve ever seen in Bachelor history. And let’s be honest, there are some rather disastrous fashion choices on this show.
The first date is a one-on-one with Between-a-Man. And that she is. Their romantic date on a gondola on the feces-infested waters of Southern California is truly dream-like. Awkward moments, no chemistry, kisses on the cheek...it’s really what dreams are made of. Bad dreams, that is. Honestly, it was just not cute. What are we, 12? Kissing on the cheek? I mean…
The second date is the group date. It’s a pool party circa 7th grade (did we all hear the girls scream when the invitation announced the pool party theme?). Jenni, Hillary, Christy and DeAnna put on their bikinis (against some of their better judgment) and the party begins! Christy is boring and sits on the sidelines. Hillary gets hammered and says things that ABC bleeps out. I laugh out loud as I read her lips as she goes through her fantasies with Brad “doing her from behind,” “tapping her ass,” and “taking her t*ts out.” Yes, you read correctly. She said this. It was pretty much hilarious and awesome. Brad also tells her he thinks they might be “too good of friends” which is pretty much “you suck” in Bachelor-speak. Then Brad and Jenni make out because they’re madly in love. Date done.
The last date is the “most romantic date yet” (no…really? You don’t say!). The 23-year-old Sheena has a date full of surprises with Brad. She gets to pick out a dress, she gets to dine among a floor full of balloons, she gets to fall down the stairs, et cetera. Yes, fall down the stairs. That’s what I said. Fall down the stairs. Aileen and I both laughed out loud on multiple occasions during the string of events as Sheena appears in her “beautiful” gown and approaches Brad while descending stairs in heels. She falls. It was amazing, and I’m pissed they didn’t replay it 82 times. I mean, she fell down the stairs! Brilliant! I don’t really remember anything else that happened during the rest of the date.
And then there’s the pre-rose-ceremony. Sheena recites the most elementary poem ever composed and Brad pretends it’s romantic. Any mention of “moles” in a poem is just simply un-poetic. DeAnna then sees Brad and comments on her butt. I’m sorry, what?
Meanwhile, Jenni and Between-a-Man talk about Bettina’s supposed sarcasm about her date. Jenni, bad headband and all, is annoyed.
Then Between-a gets some time with Brad. They awkwardly talk about their awkward date and it’s simply awkward. It’s like Bettina and Brad are discussing some sort of official business. Like Bettina’s a tire saleswoman and she’s reading over the new warranty Brad just signed up for. It’s just plain business-like.
And then…Hillary. A very booby Hillary and Brad talk about their friendship. Hillary secretly thinks, “Friendship?!? NOOOOOOOO!!!! You’re my LOVER!!!! I’M CRAZY IN LOVE AND MAYBE JUST CRAZY.” But she evades Brad dissing her and she pretends they are in love.
Brad chooses:
1) DeAnna
2) Jenni
3) Sheena
4) Bettina
Goodbye: Hillary and Christy
Awards:
1) Most dramatic: Hillary. Enough said.
2) Worst overall look: Jenni. Get some fashion sense. Thanks.
3) Most intense cleavage: Hillary’s. Wow.
Until next week,
Mike
Chris begins the episode by announcing the next three dates: two one-one-ones and a group date. He is also wearing one of the most tragic shirts I’ve ever seen in Bachelor history. And let’s be honest, there are some rather disastrous fashion choices on this show.
The first date is a one-on-one with Between-a-Man. And that she is. Their romantic date on a gondola on the feces-infested waters of Southern California is truly dream-like. Awkward moments, no chemistry, kisses on the cheek...it’s really what dreams are made of. Bad dreams, that is. Honestly, it was just not cute. What are we, 12? Kissing on the cheek? I mean…
The second date is the group date. It’s a pool party circa 7th grade (did we all hear the girls scream when the invitation announced the pool party theme?). Jenni, Hillary, Christy and DeAnna put on their bikinis (against some of their better judgment) and the party begins! Christy is boring and sits on the sidelines. Hillary gets hammered and says things that ABC bleeps out. I laugh out loud as I read her lips as she goes through her fantasies with Brad “doing her from behind,” “tapping her ass,” and “taking her t*ts out.” Yes, you read correctly. She said this. It was pretty much hilarious and awesome. Brad also tells her he thinks they might be “too good of friends” which is pretty much “you suck” in Bachelor-speak. Then Brad and Jenni make out because they’re madly in love. Date done.
The last date is the “most romantic date yet” (no…really? You don’t say!). The 23-year-old Sheena has a date full of surprises with Brad. She gets to pick out a dress, she gets to dine among a floor full of balloons, she gets to fall down the stairs, et cetera. Yes, fall down the stairs. That’s what I said. Fall down the stairs. Aileen and I both laughed out loud on multiple occasions during the string of events as Sheena appears in her “beautiful” gown and approaches Brad while descending stairs in heels. She falls. It was amazing, and I’m pissed they didn’t replay it 82 times. I mean, she fell down the stairs! Brilliant! I don’t really remember anything else that happened during the rest of the date.
And then there’s the pre-rose-ceremony. Sheena recites the most elementary poem ever composed and Brad pretends it’s romantic. Any mention of “moles” in a poem is just simply un-poetic. DeAnna then sees Brad and comments on her butt. I’m sorry, what?
Meanwhile, Jenni and Between-a-Man talk about Bettina’s supposed sarcasm about her date. Jenni, bad headband and all, is annoyed.
Then Between-a gets some time with Brad. They awkwardly talk about their awkward date and it’s simply awkward. It’s like Bettina and Brad are discussing some sort of official business. Like Bettina’s a tire saleswoman and she’s reading over the new warranty Brad just signed up for. It’s just plain business-like.
And then…Hillary. A very booby Hillary and Brad talk about their friendship. Hillary secretly thinks, “Friendship?!? NOOOOOOOO!!!! You’re my LOVER!!!! I’M CRAZY IN LOVE AND MAYBE JUST CRAZY.” But she evades Brad dissing her and she pretends they are in love.
Brad chooses:
1) DeAnna
2) Jenni
3) Sheena
4) Bettina
Goodbye: Hillary and Christy
Awards:
1) Most dramatic: Hillary. Enough said.
2) Worst overall look: Jenni. Get some fashion sense. Thanks.
3) Most intense cleavage: Hillary’s. Wow.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, October 15, 2007
9 to 6.
Nine ladies. Three dates. At least two fake boobs. One mullet.
The first date is a one-on-one with the chick Brad really likes: Jenni with an “i.” Just as she danced her way onto the Phoenix Suns dance team and E-List fame, Jenni has danced her way to Brad’s heart and he’s smitten. In typical Bachelor fashion, Brad arrives via helicopter to whisk away his lady to fantasy land (what would a season of The Bachelor be without a helicopter ride and awkward conversation via headsets?). That fantasy land means downtown LA is debatable, but whatever. The lovebirds dine al fresco on a rooftop and make out on the couch.
Meanwhile, at the manse, the eight gals who were left behind begin to bicker. McCarten and DeAnna, in their bitchy ways, stirred the pot and got a rise out of Jade. Yes, we’re still wondering about why Jade has a mullet, but it’s fine.
Clearly, after the make-out, Brad gives Jenni a rose.
Date two is a group date with Sheena, McCarten, Hillary, Bettina, Stephy and Kristy. They do some improv, Bettina embarrasses herself by blurting out “I love you Brad,” Hillary is actually kinda funny, and Kristy is a big mess. Bettina’s boobs were also surprisingly perky as she acted like a dog, supine on the floor. In the end, Between-a-Man gets the rose.
Before the date ends, DeAnna and Jade get their date box back at home and the drama heats up: only one will return. Ooooooh…
The third date begins with a tense limo ride between the two girls who hate each other. So fun…gotta love the tension. I’m watching and awaiting an all-out bitch fight…here’s hopin’.
The date begins with Brad questioning the girls, and the competition begins. I get uncomfortable immediately. Is this a reenactment of the Kristen Wiig skit on SNL where she one-ups everything everyone says? Yes. I pretty much invented love, so…
Sidenote: I’ve decided I’m over DeAnna. She’s a wench. Her Greekness, which I would usually love, kind of loses its luster when she opens her mouth and her Southern twang falls out. It’s like Spinakopita served with a stale Waffle House waffle. They just don’t go together. I also hate Jade’s hair.
And then, the rose…goes…to…DeAnna. Of course it does. He walks Jade to the door, shares some platitudes with her like, “I think you’re a wonderful person,” and she’s on her way back to Tennessee. Rocky Top!! Cue the hot tub scene with DeAnna and Brad. End scene.
Sidenote Two: This season is boring.
Before the rose ceremony, some more truths come out. The hoes hear who Brad kissed first, the inevitable drama ensues, it’s fabulous. A few “sluts” are tossed out there, it’s simply grand. I mean, what did these girls expect? Brad to go all Mormon on us and not kiss anyone? Or do they want him to go all Mormon on us and marry everyone? I’m just sayin’…don’t get all Mitt Romney on my ass right now.
Love that Brad thinks Kristy might be too “refined” for him. I’m sorry, is her moustache refined? Did I miss something?
What I hate about Brad are his answers and his annoying reassurances like “It’s okay,” “Don’t worry,” when girls start to cry or when things get uncomfortable. Just shut up.
And the final six are:
1) Jenni
2) DeAnna
3) Bettina
4) Kristy
5) Sheena
6) Hillary
Adios Stephy and McCarten.
Awards:
1) Best fake ones: Between-a-Man’s.
2) Biggest bitch: DeAnna.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. did anyone catch all the “mosts” coming up next week? “Most dramatic exit ever,” “Most romantic date ever,” it’s just too much!
The first date is a one-on-one with the chick Brad really likes: Jenni with an “i.” Just as she danced her way onto the Phoenix Suns dance team and E-List fame, Jenni has danced her way to Brad’s heart and he’s smitten. In typical Bachelor fashion, Brad arrives via helicopter to whisk away his lady to fantasy land (what would a season of The Bachelor be without a helicopter ride and awkward conversation via headsets?). That fantasy land means downtown LA is debatable, but whatever. The lovebirds dine al fresco on a rooftop and make out on the couch.
Meanwhile, at the manse, the eight gals who were left behind begin to bicker. McCarten and DeAnna, in their bitchy ways, stirred the pot and got a rise out of Jade. Yes, we’re still wondering about why Jade has a mullet, but it’s fine.
Clearly, after the make-out, Brad gives Jenni a rose.
Date two is a group date with Sheena, McCarten, Hillary, Bettina, Stephy and Kristy. They do some improv, Bettina embarrasses herself by blurting out “I love you Brad,” Hillary is actually kinda funny, and Kristy is a big mess. Bettina’s boobs were also surprisingly perky as she acted like a dog, supine on the floor. In the end, Between-a-Man gets the rose.
Before the date ends, DeAnna and Jade get their date box back at home and the drama heats up: only one will return. Ooooooh…
The third date begins with a tense limo ride between the two girls who hate each other. So fun…gotta love the tension. I’m watching and awaiting an all-out bitch fight…here’s hopin’.
The date begins with Brad questioning the girls, and the competition begins. I get uncomfortable immediately. Is this a reenactment of the Kristen Wiig skit on SNL where she one-ups everything everyone says? Yes. I pretty much invented love, so…
Sidenote: I’ve decided I’m over DeAnna. She’s a wench. Her Greekness, which I would usually love, kind of loses its luster when she opens her mouth and her Southern twang falls out. It’s like Spinakopita served with a stale Waffle House waffle. They just don’t go together. I also hate Jade’s hair.
And then, the rose…goes…to…DeAnna. Of course it does. He walks Jade to the door, shares some platitudes with her like, “I think you’re a wonderful person,” and she’s on her way back to Tennessee. Rocky Top!! Cue the hot tub scene with DeAnna and Brad. End scene.
Sidenote Two: This season is boring.
Before the rose ceremony, some more truths come out. The hoes hear who Brad kissed first, the inevitable drama ensues, it’s fabulous. A few “sluts” are tossed out there, it’s simply grand. I mean, what did these girls expect? Brad to go all Mormon on us and not kiss anyone? Or do they want him to go all Mormon on us and marry everyone? I’m just sayin’…don’t get all Mitt Romney on my ass right now.
Love that Brad thinks Kristy might be too “refined” for him. I’m sorry, is her moustache refined? Did I miss something?
What I hate about Brad are his answers and his annoying reassurances like “It’s okay,” “Don’t worry,” when girls start to cry or when things get uncomfortable. Just shut up.
And the final six are:
1) Jenni
2) DeAnna
3) Bettina
4) Kristy
5) Sheena
6) Hillary
Adios Stephy and McCarten.
Awards:
1) Best fake ones: Between-a-Man’s.
2) Biggest bitch: DeAnna.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. did anyone catch all the “mosts” coming up next week? “Most dramatic exit ever,” “Most romantic date ever,” it’s just too much!
Monday, October 08, 2007
Special Parts
So we’re down to 12. 12 hoes showing their claws, fighting for their man, embarrassing themselves, you know the drill.
Tonight there are three dates: two group dates and a one-on-one.
The first date is a group date, and it involves the circus. Yes, the circus. The Bachelor goes carnie, and I love every minute of it. The troop of carnies are Stephy, McCarten, Jenni, Lindsey, Sarah and DeAnna. Brad picks up the girls only to take them to the “Luxury Box” at the circus. Excuse me? Luxury box and circus in the same sentence? Oxymoronic much?
Nothing really happens at the circus except circus freaks, circus acts, and the first rose going to Stephy because she talks about her dad and how amazing he is. Not into it. Oh, and Brad still likes Jenni with an “i” because the chemistry is “beyond words” and because she shakes her ass like a professional dancer. Because that’s what she is. In Phoenix. Another kicker is McCarten referencing her three-year relationship…when she was 13. Amazing. Congrats on dating someone in 8th grade.
The second date is the famed one-on-one. Hillary meets Brad lookin’ all cute, and is immediately bejeweled with $1,000,000 worth of bling. Brilly. Then they fly to San Francisco and have a gay old time. The eat dinner, Hillary cries. They drink champagne, Hillary cries. They have dessert, Hillary cries. And so on. But Brad is wooed by her tears and he gives her a rose. She’s a raging emotional mess, and I love it. Her hair is remarkably huge. Does she have roots in Texas?
The third date reunites Christy, Sheena, Jade, Bettina, and Solisa with their beloved Brad. They go sailing, they ride wave runners, they get pulled over by aqua cops, they confess divorces...you know, all the normal stuff. Yes, Sheena did a power slide and got pulled over, and Between-a-man told Brad about her divorce. Then Christy got the rose and Bettina figured it was totally because of her ex-hubby. We’re not sure. But we are sure that Christy has an annoying laugh.
And then…Brad’s twin arrives! His “identical” twin, although we can all easily differentiate him from Brad physically…but not aurally. They don’t so much look identical, but when they talk, it sounds like Brad is having a heart-to-heart with himself. I literally laughed out loud. But not as much as when I realized they were named Chad and Brad. What parents do that? Chad also has a wedding ring tan line.
Chad, studied and ready, enters the cocktail party with the ladies and charms them with his unidentical-to-Brad looks. McCarten, the first one to face Chad (and the worst dressed) just doesn’t get it. Lindsey, the “model” from Michigan, is totally won over by “Brad” and her smarts are reaffirmed. She’s basically Einstein.
Sheena immediately realizes something is different. She’s a sweetheart.
Christy does the same. Between-a-man (Bettina) also notices. Stephy and some other chick notice as well. Sarah also thinks he’s different…but she doesn’t really get it.
Roses go to:
1) Stephy
2) Hillary
3) Christy
4) Sheena
5) McCarten
6) Jenni (with an “i”)
7) Jade
8) DeAnna
9) Between-a-Man (Bettina)
Peace out to:
1) Sarah
2) Solisa
3) Lindsey
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Smartest: Lindsey. Chad didn’t even register on her radar.
2) Best Carnie: Jenni with an “i.” She did a double back handspring!
3) Best Voiceover: Chad. Brad and Chad pretty much share a voice.
4) Best use of the phrase “special parts:” Solisa. Honey, we saw your “special parts” last episode when you took your top off.
5) Worst dressed: McCarten at the rose ceremony. Teal meets blue meets green meets vomit.
Until next week,
Mike
Tonight there are three dates: two group dates and a one-on-one.
The first date is a group date, and it involves the circus. Yes, the circus. The Bachelor goes carnie, and I love every minute of it. The troop of carnies are Stephy, McCarten, Jenni, Lindsey, Sarah and DeAnna. Brad picks up the girls only to take them to the “Luxury Box” at the circus. Excuse me? Luxury box and circus in the same sentence? Oxymoronic much?
Nothing really happens at the circus except circus freaks, circus acts, and the first rose going to Stephy because she talks about her dad and how amazing he is. Not into it. Oh, and Brad still likes Jenni with an “i” because the chemistry is “beyond words” and because she shakes her ass like a professional dancer. Because that’s what she is. In Phoenix. Another kicker is McCarten referencing her three-year relationship…when she was 13. Amazing. Congrats on dating someone in 8th grade.
The second date is the famed one-on-one. Hillary meets Brad lookin’ all cute, and is immediately bejeweled with $1,000,000 worth of bling. Brilly. Then they fly to San Francisco and have a gay old time. The eat dinner, Hillary cries. They drink champagne, Hillary cries. They have dessert, Hillary cries. And so on. But Brad is wooed by her tears and he gives her a rose. She’s a raging emotional mess, and I love it. Her hair is remarkably huge. Does she have roots in Texas?
The third date reunites Christy, Sheena, Jade, Bettina, and Solisa with their beloved Brad. They go sailing, they ride wave runners, they get pulled over by aqua cops, they confess divorces...you know, all the normal stuff. Yes, Sheena did a power slide and got pulled over, and Between-a-man told Brad about her divorce. Then Christy got the rose and Bettina figured it was totally because of her ex-hubby. We’re not sure. But we are sure that Christy has an annoying laugh.
And then…Brad’s twin arrives! His “identical” twin, although we can all easily differentiate him from Brad physically…but not aurally. They don’t so much look identical, but when they talk, it sounds like Brad is having a heart-to-heart with himself. I literally laughed out loud. But not as much as when I realized they were named Chad and Brad. What parents do that? Chad also has a wedding ring tan line.
Chad, studied and ready, enters the cocktail party with the ladies and charms them with his unidentical-to-Brad looks. McCarten, the first one to face Chad (and the worst dressed) just doesn’t get it. Lindsey, the “model” from Michigan, is totally won over by “Brad” and her smarts are reaffirmed. She’s basically Einstein.
Sheena immediately realizes something is different. She’s a sweetheart.
Christy does the same. Between-a-man (Bettina) also notices. Stephy and some other chick notice as well. Sarah also thinks he’s different…but she doesn’t really get it.
Roses go to:
1) Stephy
2) Hillary
3) Christy
4) Sheena
5) McCarten
6) Jenni (with an “i”)
7) Jade
8) DeAnna
9) Between-a-Man (Bettina)
Peace out to:
1) Sarah
2) Solisa
3) Lindsey
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Smartest: Lindsey. Chad didn’t even register on her radar.
2) Best Carnie: Jenni with an “i.” She did a double back handspring!
3) Best Voiceover: Chad. Brad and Chad pretty much share a voice.
4) Best use of the phrase “special parts:” Solisa. Honey, we saw your “special parts” last episode when you took your top off.
5) Worst dressed: McCarten at the rose ceremony. Teal meets blue meets green meets vomit.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, October 01, 2007
Slip and Fall.
What could be better than a little Bachelor after a long day of work? A ton of wine, and then the Bachelor after a long day of work. Wine makes everything more bearable…especially awkward first kisses placed upon unsuspecting bachelors. McCarten, please don’t do that anymore. I covered my face with a pillow during your sly smooch.
Anyway, let’s get to the meat. And by “meat” I don’t mean Brad’s Adonis-like frame…although it is delicious. I mean the drama. Let’s get to it!
Today is the first of many first group dates. Group dates are no fun and tons of fun all at once. No fun for the hoes, but oh so much fun for me!
The first group date was a day at the races with girls wearing unfortunate dresses and bad hats. That’s pretty much it. Unless you want to talk about the forced kiss placed on Brad by McCarten during their one-on-one. Yes. Disaster. And we love Brad for laughing about it. I have a feeling I like this bachelor. He’s honest and he has no problem laughing at chicks while he talks about them behind their back on camera. Nothing else happens on the first date except for the fact that he gives DeAnna the first rose. A big fat Greek first rose.
Meanwhile, Jersey Trash, I mean Michele, falls and hits her head back at the house. Who cares?
The second date pins the racier gals against Brad (quite literally). The bikini-clad disasters join Brad at a seaside manse for a day of fun and sun in Malibu. The ‘Bu always seems to bring out the drama. Britney driving with her children on her lap (oops…lost custody, Brit?), Solisa declaring she’s a Christian only to take her top off hours later…you get the drift. A minute into the date in Malibu, Brad takes HIS top off and we see the guns. I’ll forgive him for flexing his stomach, but it’s fine. Solisa is a Christian and it makes me feel better. Then Brad makes out with Jenni, while the girls back at home go through her stuff. Seriously, they rifle through her luggage and fine B-Model pics! So mean.
Brad gives the special rose to Sarah, who is cute because she’s from the Midwest. And then the first hot tub experience of the season occurs. Solisa, the Christian, gets out and takes her top off and runs to the ocean. Solisa, the Christian. The one who has morals and values and praises Baby Jesus at every turn, and has enormously fake boobs. That dirty Solisa. And so ends the second date.
And then comes the pre-rose-ceremony. Secrets come out. Bettina (Between-a-man) tells Brad about her divorce. Nevermind, she’s doesn’t. She wanted to, though. But let’s be real here. Her name is Bettina. Of course she’s been divorced. Who could spend eternity with that name? I’m so evil for saying that.
Then the hoes say mean things about Jenni and her modeling portfolio. Awesome. Jenni’s fake tears flow, and it’s so very genuine. Blah blah blah.
Roses:
1) Kristy
2) Bettina (a.k.a Between-a-man). God I’m brilliant.
3) Hillary
4) Stephy
5) Sheena
6) McCarten
7) Jenni
8) Lindsey
9) Jade
10) Solisa, the Christian.
11) DeAnna (from date one)
12) Sarah (from date two)
The ladies to leave are:
1) Michele, the concussion
2) Erin, from Tampa
3) Mallory the Hawaiian
Awards:
1) Best Christian: Solisa. Nothing says “I love Jesus” like taking your top off in front of strangers.
2) Best Slip and Fall: Michele’s fall down the stairs. Oops…hate it when that happens.
3) Best new nickname: Between-A-Man (Bettina, the once-married suitress).
Until next week, keep your tops on. Or take them off if you’re Christians.
Mike
Anyway, let’s get to the meat. And by “meat” I don’t mean Brad’s Adonis-like frame…although it is delicious. I mean the drama. Let’s get to it!
Today is the first of many first group dates. Group dates are no fun and tons of fun all at once. No fun for the hoes, but oh so much fun for me!
The first group date was a day at the races with girls wearing unfortunate dresses and bad hats. That’s pretty much it. Unless you want to talk about the forced kiss placed on Brad by McCarten during their one-on-one. Yes. Disaster. And we love Brad for laughing about it. I have a feeling I like this bachelor. He’s honest and he has no problem laughing at chicks while he talks about them behind their back on camera. Nothing else happens on the first date except for the fact that he gives DeAnna the first rose. A big fat Greek first rose.
Meanwhile, Jersey Trash, I mean Michele, falls and hits her head back at the house. Who cares?
The second date pins the racier gals against Brad (quite literally). The bikini-clad disasters join Brad at a seaside manse for a day of fun and sun in Malibu. The ‘Bu always seems to bring out the drama. Britney driving with her children on her lap (oops…lost custody, Brit?), Solisa declaring she’s a Christian only to take her top off hours later…you get the drift. A minute into the date in Malibu, Brad takes HIS top off and we see the guns. I’ll forgive him for flexing his stomach, but it’s fine. Solisa is a Christian and it makes me feel better. Then Brad makes out with Jenni, while the girls back at home go through her stuff. Seriously, they rifle through her luggage and fine B-Model pics! So mean.
Brad gives the special rose to Sarah, who is cute because she’s from the Midwest. And then the first hot tub experience of the season occurs. Solisa, the Christian, gets out and takes her top off and runs to the ocean. Solisa, the Christian. The one who has morals and values and praises Baby Jesus at every turn, and has enormously fake boobs. That dirty Solisa. And so ends the second date.
And then comes the pre-rose-ceremony. Secrets come out. Bettina (Between-a-man) tells Brad about her divorce. Nevermind, she’s doesn’t. She wanted to, though. But let’s be real here. Her name is Bettina. Of course she’s been divorced. Who could spend eternity with that name? I’m so evil for saying that.
Then the hoes say mean things about Jenni and her modeling portfolio. Awesome. Jenni’s fake tears flow, and it’s so very genuine. Blah blah blah.
Roses:
1) Kristy
2) Bettina (a.k.a Between-a-man). God I’m brilliant.
3) Hillary
4) Stephy
5) Sheena
6) McCarten
7) Jenni
8) Lindsey
9) Jade
10) Solisa, the Christian.
11) DeAnna (from date one)
12) Sarah (from date two)
The ladies to leave are:
1) Michele, the concussion
2) Erin, from Tampa
3) Mallory the Hawaiian
Awards:
1) Best Christian: Solisa. Nothing says “I love Jesus” like taking your top off in front of strangers.
2) Best Slip and Fall: Michele’s fall down the stairs. Oops…hate it when that happens.
3) Best new nickname: Between-A-Man (Bettina, the once-married suitress).
Until next week, keep your tops on. Or take them off if you’re Christians.
Mike
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