Dear Baby Jesus, please make this season end. Oh, what? You're shortening it a week and airing The Dudes Tell All and The Finale back-to-back next week? Thank you for also realizing this is the worst season ever, and that Ashley will go down in history as horrible.
Now that we have that cleared up, let's get to tonight's episode. In two words: it sucked. To Bone or Not To Bone is a seminal moment in each season, yet somehow--like clockwork--Ashley has failed to deliver once again. But before we get into tonight's three boring dates, Ryan (a.k.a. Smiles McGee) returns to reclaim his lost love. Um...no...but more on that later. You still suck, and must we remind you she sent you home!
The first date is with Ben. He is cute, he is fashionable, and he adores her with his doe-eyed oblivion. He's also way more into her than she is into him, and it's slightly upsetting. After 82 seasons of this mess, I can hone right in on the setting-you-up-for-heartbreak music, and it was underscoring the entire date. Of course, we have a few moments of cuteness (or downright overt sexuality) when they cuddle-slash-almost-bone on the boat deck. At dinner, Ben is ready to open up, but we can all read Ashley's over-it face a mile away. Regardless, when faced with the To Bone or Not To Bone date card, they choose: To Bone. However I fail to believe there was boneage. Sad, because I like him best. (Guess who's going to be next season's Bachelor?!?!? You heard it here first.)
The next date is with Constantine. She clearly likes him. He's clearly put on some weight. They have a lovely day on a helicopter and jumping in waterfalls. Then they have a dinner which President Obama rudely decided to interrupt with our silly debt crisis. I mean, really? Is the President of our fair States really prioritizing our inevitable default on debt over Constantine and Ashley's inevitable breakup? Really, Barack? Now?!? The audacity (of hope) this man has is unbelievable! But back to the task at hand...which is Constantine breaking up with Ashley mid-date! Yes, you read that correctly. He says he hoped to be at a point of saying he loved her, and he's unable to do it. He then excuses himself from the date (third guy so far this season!!!) and walks away from free sex. Let's be honest, people. He must have really been over Ashley to walk away from a night of free, guiltless, and paid-for lovemaking in the Fantasy Suite to dump her mid-dinner. It was downright amazing. And with that, Ashley has just set a record for the most-dumped contestant in history. In other words, I'm not the only one who thinks she's the worst. More wine, please. Verdict: Not To Bone.
The last date is with JP. Ashley poignantly describes their relationship as "adventuresome," a word I would not have chosen (nor do I believe exists). But first, she dumps Ryan again. But enough about him. JP and Ashley have a nice date. She definitely likes him, but does she really like him? Or is she just nervous he's the only one that has a chance because she's been walked out on 12 times this season? I think the latter. My favorite part of the date? When Ashley told JP that she and Constantine decided together that there was nothing between them. Amazing euphemism for "he dumped me." It was brilliant. But JP was sold. At the end of the date, the verdict was in: To Bone.
So...another uneventful rose ceremony of foregone conclusions leaves us with:
1) Ben
2) JP (Who wore mandals. MANDALS!!!!!!)
Awards:
1) Worst: Ashley
Until next week,
Mike
P.S. For those who missed it, The Dudes Tell All is next Sunday, and The Finale is next Monday. 7 more days until we're free!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Hometown Dates
This will be fast. Why? Because I missed last week due to my famous trip to Sonoma. Why was I there? Because this show forced me to take an entire trip focused on wine and the consumption thereof. Wine makes life easier because this show makes life hard. Thanks. That is all. (Sorry for the atypical delay in posting, for real.)
Before the first hometown date, we get to see Ashley's studio apartment (yes, I just said studio--as in one-room home--in Philadelphia). Nothing like a Bachelorette living the glamorous life.
Date one: Constantine at home in Georgia. They start at his Italian restaurant. Yes, you read that correctly. The Greek guy's Italian restaurant. Naturally. But then you throw in a Greek dad and a full on Southern mom, and it makes sense. Just a mixed bag, if you will. Cute dinner and a nice family--especially when the extended family showed up for a fulfills-all-stereotypes Greek family gathering dance party. Awesome. Overall, I give the date an A-. She got the approval of both Mom and Dad. Opa!
Date two: Ames and his WASP-defining family. Nothing like the Main Line, Philadephia to reenforce every stereotype of the American WASP. It's amazing. Horse-farm-dwelling-yet-urbane stiff-upper-lipped family? Brilliant. He and his sister, Serena, are literally twins (down to the teeth and forehead), and I love all of it. Her name is not fitting, but whatever. Her Botox is also a mess, but whatever. Don't worry about the sister's convo with Ashley. It happened poolside...next to their INDOOR pool. Like, barf. I mean, do they live in a house, or a country club? Or is there any difference to Ames's family? My favorite part? His sister hits home the fact that no one can find a fault in Ames. Um...yes they can. I've met five of them and his faults are pretty pronounced. What? Yes. I also loved that his family Waspily (didn't say it verbally, but said it with their tone and facial expressions) realized that Ashely is not one of them. She's essentially the help, and I almost expected his mom and sister to ask Ashley to clear the dishes. Later, Ames and Ashley spend some time alone where we are now shown that, without a doubt, the two share no chemistry.
Next we head to--where else??--Sonoma! Ben F. is cute in his grey jeans and boat shoes and he's smitten as he takes her to taste his wines out of the barrel. Ahhh...to be smitten. And wine tasting. (Sidenote: I want his family's house in Sonoma. Thanks.) They share a dinner with Mom and Sister. And then there's the emotional talk about Dad with Mom, and we all cry. OK, Ben just jumped to the top of my list on which he was already towering. Ben is falling for her, she likes him back, and there's not much more to say.
Finally, we head to Long Guyland to meet JP's family. Upon seeing him, Ashley confirms she definitely likes him with her reaction and demeanor. Since it's raining, they go roller skating, like all 7th graders do. All the details were there, down to the number one power ballad of all time: REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling." I died. Then I barfed. Then I died more when they shared wine out of paper cups. Later on, we head to his family's house in Roslyn, NY. From here on out, please read everything in a harrible Long Guyland accent. Their house is wondahfully suburban, and it's positively perfect...in a vinyl-sided kind of way. Everyone is so darn concerned about JP, though. Who was this devil woman who broke his heart so profoundly? Poor guy. But, not too poor. He's totally fallen for Ashley and is confident they'll end up together. This may not end well...
Back in LA Ashley chooses everyone but Ames. Surprise!
The final three:
1) Constantine
2) Ben
3) JP
Goodbye Ames. Your incapacity to process your dismissal was hilarious. Your dumbfounded face was priceless and we enjoyed every minute of your mouth agape. And your fake tan. In addition, your jacket was pinned AGAIN. Why did this happen twice?
Sorry for posting this so late. Another update after tonight's episode.
Until...um...tonight,
Mike
Before the first hometown date, we get to see Ashley's studio apartment (yes, I just said studio--as in one-room home--in Philadelphia). Nothing like a Bachelorette living the glamorous life.
Date one: Constantine at home in Georgia. They start at his Italian restaurant. Yes, you read that correctly. The Greek guy's Italian restaurant. Naturally. But then you throw in a Greek dad and a full on Southern mom, and it makes sense. Just a mixed bag, if you will. Cute dinner and a nice family--especially when the extended family showed up for a fulfills-all-stereotypes Greek family gathering dance party. Awesome. Overall, I give the date an A-. She got the approval of both Mom and Dad. Opa!
Date two: Ames and his WASP-defining family. Nothing like the Main Line, Philadephia to reenforce every stereotype of the American WASP. It's amazing. Horse-farm-dwelling-yet-urbane stiff-upper-lipped family? Brilliant. He and his sister, Serena, are literally twins (down to the teeth and forehead), and I love all of it. Her name is not fitting, but whatever. Her Botox is also a mess, but whatever. Don't worry about the sister's convo with Ashley. It happened poolside...next to their INDOOR pool. Like, barf. I mean, do they live in a house, or a country club? Or is there any difference to Ames's family? My favorite part? His sister hits home the fact that no one can find a fault in Ames. Um...yes they can. I've met five of them and his faults are pretty pronounced. What? Yes. I also loved that his family Waspily (didn't say it verbally, but said it with their tone and facial expressions) realized that Ashely is not one of them. She's essentially the help, and I almost expected his mom and sister to ask Ashley to clear the dishes. Later, Ames and Ashley spend some time alone where we are now shown that, without a doubt, the two share no chemistry.
Next we head to--where else??--Sonoma! Ben F. is cute in his grey jeans and boat shoes and he's smitten as he takes her to taste his wines out of the barrel. Ahhh...to be smitten. And wine tasting. (Sidenote: I want his family's house in Sonoma. Thanks.) They share a dinner with Mom and Sister. And then there's the emotional talk about Dad with Mom, and we all cry. OK, Ben just jumped to the top of my list on which he was already towering. Ben is falling for her, she likes him back, and there's not much more to say.
Finally, we head to Long Guyland to meet JP's family. Upon seeing him, Ashley confirms she definitely likes him with her reaction and demeanor. Since it's raining, they go roller skating, like all 7th graders do. All the details were there, down to the number one power ballad of all time: REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling." I died. Then I barfed. Then I died more when they shared wine out of paper cups. Later on, we head to his family's house in Roslyn, NY. From here on out, please read everything in a harrible Long Guyland accent. Their house is wondahfully suburban, and it's positively perfect...in a vinyl-sided kind of way. Everyone is so darn concerned about JP, though. Who was this devil woman who broke his heart so profoundly? Poor guy. But, not too poor. He's totally fallen for Ashley and is confident they'll end up together. This may not end well...
Back in LA Ashley chooses everyone but Ames. Surprise!
The final three:
1) Constantine
2) Ben
3) JP
Goodbye Ames. Your incapacity to process your dismissal was hilarious. Your dumbfounded face was priceless and we enjoyed every minute of your mouth agape. And your fake tan. In addition, your jacket was pinned AGAIN. Why did this happen twice?
Sorry for posting this so late. Another update after tonight's episode.
Until...um...tonight,
Mike
Monday, July 11, 2011
Made in Taiwan
Children...we only have a few episodes left until this dreaded season comes to a close and another impending breakup is upon us. I pray we make it through. Thank God we have wine to dull the pain.
Tonight we continue our travels through Asia, and find ourselves in Taipei, Taiwan. We've got four dates to get through, so let's get started!
Date one goes to Constantine. Honestly, I have little to report. They paint a paper lantern, walk around, and share a dinner. I'm not sold that Constantine is into Ms. Ashley, and his lack of leg-grazing confirms the fact. But, he is getting cuter as the season goes on. Is he into her? I vote maybe. A big Greek maybe.
Date two brings the second Josh Groban look-a-like together with Ashley on a moped cruise through the gorges of Taiwan. After a brilliant Dumb and Dumber reference by Ben, the lovebugs hop on the motorcycle and drive around the Taiwanese countryside. Later, at dinner, Ben is wearing a killer outfit (chambray shirt and dark jeans)--total preppy hipster--and I love it. He is 100% falling for her, and I just can't tell if she's not feeling it or just drunk. But, after he lays some special lines on her, they kiss. Is she a bad kisser? Perhaps. Give us some tongue, people! Enough of this pecking BS. But later, they go at it and he totally rubs up on her.
As I was ruminating on whether or not Ben and Ashley were made to be, we cut to the next morning when Ben returns from the date. Excuse me, what? Did he have the chance to bone her before the To Bone or Not to Bone episode? Is he jumping the gun on jumping her bones? Honestly, I don't really care. But you know who does? JP. He about loses it as Ben returns home the morning after he left for his date. He can't handle it, and slightly freaks out. Unfortunately for bald guys, we can see those veins bulging much easier without hair (Thank you Baby Jesus, for blessing me with a full mop up top!) and his emotions are plainly visible.
The group date is next, and lucky Lucas, Ames and JP get to go to a wedding photo shoot where they dress up in idiotic outfits and take stereotypical Asian wedding pics. It's like the worst date ever. Lucas is dressed in a manmono (man kimono), Ames looks like Elton John, and JP (lucky) dons a dapper black tux. The photo shoot goes OK, and afterwards, there is a cocktail party and some one-on-one time. Ames busts out the big guns with Nantucket reds, a blue oxford, and a navy blazer (I die). Unfortunately for him, JP gets the rose after proving that--perhaps--he's more insecure than Ashley. JP divulges to her that he's not dealing with her dating other guys very well, and I think she secretly loves the validation of her innate insecurity. I think JP's strategery works perfectly as his honestly earns him a rose.
The last one-on-one goes to Mr. Happy (Ryan). Or is he? Honestly, the date is a bore. It's the moment he's been waiting for all season...and...well...he blows it. They have nothing to talk about, he quizzes her--after moments of silence and awkwardness--on her environmental concerns (did he really bring water heaters into the conversation??!!??), and she's just not feeling it. Nor are we. Thus, she lets him go in the middle of the date. His reaction was priceless. His smile lines/crows feet quickly turn to frown lines, and we're forced to endure far too many minutes of forced fake tears, emotion, and hilarious photo ops as he deals with the stunning blow to his ever-so-smiley ego. The montage of walks past bridal boutiques, thoughtful moments in rose gardens, and priceless cab hailings against a heart-shaped flower backdrop (I'm serious) were nearing the point of priceless. But honestly, good riddance Sir Smiles-a-lot. We've had enough.
After his emotional parting, Ashley knows who's getting the boot as she tells Chris that she will not be hosting a cocktail party prior to the rose ceremony. So...duh...she gives roses to:
1) JP
2) Constantine
3) Ben
4) Ames--Kudos to anyone who noticed his jacket was pinned to appear better fitting than it actually was. Um...stylists?
Byeeee: Lucas. Best of luck back on the oil fields of Texas. As if Ashley is cut out for that life. And as if this decision was a surprise.
Tonights awards.
1) Best outfit: Ames's Nantucket reds ensemble. Close second goes to hipster-meets-prep Ben. Love him.
2) Frontrunner: Ben. Sorry JP...you've been dethroned.
3) The Close Your Mouth Award: Ames. Just see if he EVER closes his mouth. He can't. Must be the size of his ego and veneers keeping that bad boy propped open.
Until next week,
Mike
P.S. Emily came back and told us why she and Bromack broke up. Except for she didn't. Not a word about why they parted. Do you think her Dallas-style blowout and boob inflation had anything to do with it? Or is Brad intimidated by the fact that any part of her face above her eye sockets is incapable of moving? Awesome. And we'll be seeing her on the next season of The Bachelorette.
Tonight we continue our travels through Asia, and find ourselves in Taipei, Taiwan. We've got four dates to get through, so let's get started!
Date one goes to Constantine. Honestly, I have little to report. They paint a paper lantern, walk around, and share a dinner. I'm not sold that Constantine is into Ms. Ashley, and his lack of leg-grazing confirms the fact. But, he is getting cuter as the season goes on. Is he into her? I vote maybe. A big Greek maybe.
Date two brings the second Josh Groban look-a-like together with Ashley on a moped cruise through the gorges of Taiwan. After a brilliant Dumb and Dumber reference by Ben, the lovebugs hop on the motorcycle and drive around the Taiwanese countryside. Later, at dinner, Ben is wearing a killer outfit (chambray shirt and dark jeans)--total preppy hipster--and I love it. He is 100% falling for her, and I just can't tell if she's not feeling it or just drunk. But, after he lays some special lines on her, they kiss. Is she a bad kisser? Perhaps. Give us some tongue, people! Enough of this pecking BS. But later, they go at it and he totally rubs up on her.
As I was ruminating on whether or not Ben and Ashley were made to be, we cut to the next morning when Ben returns from the date. Excuse me, what? Did he have the chance to bone her before the To Bone or Not to Bone episode? Is he jumping the gun on jumping her bones? Honestly, I don't really care. But you know who does? JP. He about loses it as Ben returns home the morning after he left for his date. He can't handle it, and slightly freaks out. Unfortunately for bald guys, we can see those veins bulging much easier without hair (Thank you Baby Jesus, for blessing me with a full mop up top!) and his emotions are plainly visible.
The group date is next, and lucky Lucas, Ames and JP get to go to a wedding photo shoot where they dress up in idiotic outfits and take stereotypical Asian wedding pics. It's like the worst date ever. Lucas is dressed in a manmono (man kimono), Ames looks like Elton John, and JP (lucky) dons a dapper black tux. The photo shoot goes OK, and afterwards, there is a cocktail party and some one-on-one time. Ames busts out the big guns with Nantucket reds, a blue oxford, and a navy blazer (I die). Unfortunately for him, JP gets the rose after proving that--perhaps--he's more insecure than Ashley. JP divulges to her that he's not dealing with her dating other guys very well, and I think she secretly loves the validation of her innate insecurity. I think JP's strategery works perfectly as his honestly earns him a rose.
The last one-on-one goes to Mr. Happy (Ryan). Or is he? Honestly, the date is a bore. It's the moment he's been waiting for all season...and...well...he blows it. They have nothing to talk about, he quizzes her--after moments of silence and awkwardness--on her environmental concerns (did he really bring water heaters into the conversation??!!??), and she's just not feeling it. Nor are we. Thus, she lets him go in the middle of the date. His reaction was priceless. His smile lines/crows feet quickly turn to frown lines, and we're forced to endure far too many minutes of forced fake tears, emotion, and hilarious photo ops as he deals with the stunning blow to his ever-so-smiley ego. The montage of walks past bridal boutiques, thoughtful moments in rose gardens, and priceless cab hailings against a heart-shaped flower backdrop (I'm serious) were nearing the point of priceless. But honestly, good riddance Sir Smiles-a-lot. We've had enough.
After his emotional parting, Ashley knows who's getting the boot as she tells Chris that she will not be hosting a cocktail party prior to the rose ceremony. So...duh...she gives roses to:
1) JP
2) Constantine
3) Ben
4) Ames--Kudos to anyone who noticed his jacket was pinned to appear better fitting than it actually was. Um...stylists?
Byeeee: Lucas. Best of luck back on the oil fields of Texas. As if Ashley is cut out for that life. And as if this decision was a surprise.
Tonights awards.
1) Best outfit: Ames's Nantucket reds ensemble. Close second goes to hipster-meets-prep Ben. Love him.
2) Frontrunner: Ben. Sorry JP...you've been dethroned.
3) The Close Your Mouth Award: Ames. Just see if he EVER closes his mouth. He can't. Must be the size of his ego and veneers keeping that bad boy propped open.
Until next week,
Mike
P.S. Emily came back and told us why she and Bromack broke up. Except for she didn't. Not a word about why they parted. Do you think her Dallas-style blowout and boob inflation had anything to do with it? Or is Brad intimidated by the fact that any part of her face above her eye sockets is incapable of moving? Awesome. And we'll be seeing her on the next season of The Bachelorette.
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