Let's get started because I'm over it. Just over it. Before the girls arrive, Jake preps them. Tenley is perfect and Vienna is the "girl nobody liked." Oops. The family is already swayed.
First off is Tenley. She arrives and meets Jake's cute and weepy family (mostly weepy dad). Both Tenley and Jake are wearing pink, and it's quite fitting because Tenley is all pink and perfect. As predicted, she says all the right things, Jakes family falls in love with her, and they all jump in the pool? What? Yes, you read that correctly. They all jump in the pool. It's awkward, but it happened. What else is there to say? Tenley wins the family over and they love her.
Next, Trailer Trash arrives looking like just that. His family has their collective guard up, and starts off with their fists clenched. Tough questions about why she sucks so much come left and right, and she fails at answering them miserably. Her grammar is predictably poor, and it's perfect. But literally, it's great. One of the sisters-in-law (not "sister-in-laws" thankyouverymuch) says, "So won't you be shocked when he doesn't choose you in the end," when she confronts Vienna's confrontational nature. Um...we love Laura, the sassy sister-in-law. Meanwhile, Mom flat out tells Jake that Vienna sucks and she hates her. Well, not really...but they don't like her as a family unit. But then, like the total joke that is Vienna's run on this show, everyone is magically won over by her stupidity. I mean, what else could it be? This girl is a joke. He can't really like her...
Next are the final dates between Jake and the two women. This time, Vienna is first. They have a romantic day in the sulphur springs...which is basically a day in a poo-smelling nature preserve. They play in the springs and cover their bodies in mud. It's gross. Especially when she writes "I love you" on his chest in mud. Barf. Later in the evening, the washed off lovebugs reunite at Vienna's suite. They chat, they reminisce on their pointless and sex-filled relationship, and Jake throws out the quote of the year: "What was it like being married for three weeks?" Awesome. Enough said.
Tenley and Jake's final date is on a yacht. It sucks. Jake fully confesses that while their emotional chemistry is there, the physcial chemistry just isn't. He should have just been honest and said, "I am boning the sh*t out of Vienna, why isn't it the same with you?" Tenley is totally hurt, and it's awkward. Later, Jake apologizes and pretends he really likes her. Sadly, Tenley is bummed about the whole affair, but she should have thought twice about wearing the fake nails she sported on their last date which clearly played a role in this mess. (Gracias, couchmate, for that one.)
At this point in the night, it's clear. Ali is Jake's one and only, and she's the only one for him. She has it all. Physical love, emotional love, and just all-around perfection. Oh wait...
But then...dun dun dun...
All three wake up on the day of the proposal. Cut to the staged and inevitable pensive morning balcony moments. And...scene.
Next, Tenley is first to arrive in her helicopter at the proposal. She. Looks. STUNNING. She is a literal Oscar in her gold dress. Unfortunately, the lighting and sun during the time in which HE DUMPS HER makes Tenley look like a hot, sweaty mess. Literally, she's never looked worse. And it's heartbreaking because Jake cries as he dumps her, and she is crushed. He's an idiot, but I predicted this weeks ago. Worst line (from Tenley), "Thank you for showing me what I could have." Nightmare.
And then, Messy McBottom shows up in her fugly teal dress. Sadly, the lighting has bettered since the break-up with Tenley, and she looks better during the proposal than Tenley did. Boo. Jake proposes, a collective, "Ewwww" rises up from America, and we wish them luck in their break-up to come. I wish I could have watched this with Ali, who you know cheered in realizing that all her heartbreak was for naught. How could she ever fall for this mess who just proposed to a teenage bride?
Don't worry, though. To rub it in, ABC goes to montage mode as they replay the love of Jake and Vienna, underscored by the easy jazz stylings of "On The Wings of Love." B.A.R.F.
And I'm done.
----
But wait...some notes and quotes from "After the Final Rose."
-"I've never had this much heat in a relationship." Jake, talking about Vienna. Um, Jake? It's called a burning sensation from the STDs Vienna has gifted you.
-"Vienna is my baby." Jake, talking about Vienna. Exactly, Jake. She's young, stupid and dumb.
-"We'll move towards a marriage." Let me de-code this: our engagement will last until we break up.
-OMG Vienna's roots are FINALLY dyed!!!! How hard could that have been? What took so long??
-Who thinks that the following is happening?
---Jake: "Am I really marrying this mess?"
---Vienna: "Am I really marrying this goob?"
-Can you imagine Jake's family meeting Vienna's family? YIKES!
-And then...the ultimate mutable moment in Bachelor history...a live performance of "On the Wings of Love" performed by the original artist who I can't remember to which the lovers dance. I literally started sweating. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.
-One last thought: this has got to be a joke.
-The next Bachelorette: Ali. Least surprising moment in history. Girlfriend has never felt so validated. Bring on the boys!
And now I'm done.
Until never,
Mike
