Please tell me I wasn’t the only one with a racing heart in the opening moments of the show. Seriously. Has my live devolved into this? Do I really live for Monday nights during which I can see “real” people “fall in love” on national television in a series of well-planned-out scenarios? Who am I kidding? Of course this is my life. And I love it.
It’s the night we’ve been living for for the last few months: tonight is the finale of Bachelor, Officer and a Gentleman (writing that makes me laugh a little bit). It’s the OG’s big night, so let’s put on our party dresses and get to business. (For those of you who have seen me in a dress…you know how good I look right now.) And then ABC throws more of the “Love lift us up where we belong” in our faces, and I vomit.
The show officially begins back on Lancaster, PA, Andy’s hometown. The all-American colonial house is just too all-American for me, but it’s fine. Then we meet the family who seem to happily inhabit the all-American home and all-American lifestyle, in their farmhouse-chic décor. OK, “chic” is a bit generous, let’s be honest. Upon meeting the family, I’m not really sure where Andy’s good looks come from…I’m just sayin’.
Tessa arrives first, and Andy totally lights up. Sidenote: the Mom-Future-Daughter-in-Law hug reveals Andy’s mom’s butterfly clip in her hair…not cute. From the get go, the family sits her down and grills her. Sidenote #2: Tessa’s shirt is horrendous. It might possibly match the “farmhouse-chic” thing the Baldwin’s have going on. At lunch we hear about Andy’s parents meeting at the Cornell library. Grandpa asks Tessa about her religion, it’s uncomfortable, but then we turn to Tessa’s career in social work, and then to her life in five years. Worst question ever. What would I say? Clearly I’ll be famous, but what else?
Andy’s red-headed sister gets to the dirt and asks Tessa about her feelings for Andy, her intentions, and her desire to move and continue the relationship. Besides the sister’s eye make-up, it was cute. Overall the first meeting of the parents went well, and Tessa is on her way.
A couple hours later, Bevin arrives to Farmtown, USA, and the family is forced to eat another large meal together. I’m totally not a fan of having the families meet the two girls on the same day, but, then again, I’m also not a fan of Bevin. So who cares? Bevin arrives, looking cute, and the evening begins. Sidenote #3: How much do we love the silent grandma’s velour track suit? I’m just dying!
Bevin begins talking about her work, and then she launches into her studies regarding libido and sexual dysfunction, and Grandpa gets a bit worried. Then she talks about her Bahai faith, and, well, it didn’t go over too well. The family then catches on to the fact that they have a physical connection, but is that all? Mom is super intuitive and calls Andy out on the fact that he is justifying his feelings for Bevin. I love it! I don’t love Mom’s sweater. But let’s get back to Grandma’s track suit.
After dinner, Bevin opens up more and laughs quite a bit while chatting with the family and looking at slides of Andy as a child with an outty (sp?) belly button. Wait…does Andy really like her? And with that, she heads home.
Overall, I actually felt like Bevin fared a little better meeting the family, but the jury’s still out.
Now, on to Family Time. Mom goes back into intuitive mode, and I love it. Totally love that she sees that Andy thrives off Bevin being crazy for him. Grandpa brings up the point that Tessa is a bit guarded, because he likes her more. Then Grandpa says Andy is “turned on” by Bevin, and I’m embarrassed. Grandpa is totally pushing Tessa, and it’s cute. No one in the family has serious issues with either woman, though, and it leaves Andy in a pickle.
Back in Hawaii, the last dates begin. Bevin joins Andy in Oahu, and the heat is on. Is Andy able to see a life with her? Or does he just want one last bone session? No time to worry too much, because they’re getting in a helicopter and Bevin starts giggling and making weird noises. Basically she needs to shut up. No one wants to spend their life with a cackling, bumbling idiot. Shhhh…
Up in the air, she squeaks some more as they fly over the Hawaiian coast. It’s romantic after she shuts up. Then the two go on a nature hike, and he grills her a bit. “Would you be happy here with me?” he asks. Tough one to answer, admittedly, but she does her best. In typical bachelor fashion, he can reassure her because that’s how the show rolls. Then he makes her put herself more out on the line by saying, “I want to hear you say this is what you want.” So not fair. But whatever.
The night begins with the two on a veranda and Andy says, “I’m in frickin’ love.” I’m sorry, WHAT?!?!? I just don’t have energy to analyze this statement right now because I need more wine. They make out for 82 hours. Bevin gives him a present which includes a sweet card and a horrifically ugly watch. I was expecting so much more. G String anyone? Then Bevin says, “I love you,” in a disgustingly cheesy way. And I hate it. You can’t pull out “I love you” just to try to win. Wait, is this a first? And then he says, “I LOVE YOU TOO.” WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I’m ill. This is just too much. The producers must have been DYING. Holy balls, Andy apparently likes Bevin. But is this all a ploy? We haven’t seen Tessa now for the past 44 minutes (I counted), so there must be something spicy in the future between Andy and his beloved Tessa.
Sidenote #4 (during commercial break). Let’s talk about the pocket gay (mini-gay) at my gym what was wearing a Project Runway (hit Bravo show) t-shirt this evening. It was just too much.
Finally, 49 minutes later, Tessa comes back to Andy. They go horseback riding on the beach, and I’m a bit worried about Tessa falling out of her low-cut shirt, but it’s not really my problem. After a fun ride, they happen upon a beach scene with blanket and water toys all laid out. How did that happen? After a sunset swim, I think Andy is back on track with his feelings for Tessa. It’s probably beer-induced, but what isn’t alcohol-induced on this show? Sometimes I want to move into the bachelor, as if it were a house or something. Just think: endless drinks, tasty food, and lots of make outs. Heaven, anyone? (Again, whomever feels the need to nominate me to be the next bachelor, I’m totally game. Or at least let me be a contestant on the Bachelorette.)
During a romantic room-service dinner, they get to the heart of the issue at hand. He asks big questions, she gives big answers. He has big biceps, she has…big cheeks? Anyway, it gets a bit cuter because she gives him a little gift. Not only is her wrapping better than Bevin's, her love note is cuter (although awkwardly read by Andy), and so is her present. She “doesn’t want to go back to the life she was living before [she] met [him]” and he likes that. She also tells him she loves him. Tessa totally opens up for the first time, and he kisses her. Then he says, “I love you Tessa,” back! Okay, he is a dick or something. You can’t say that twice in a row. The present, by the way, is a cute collage of pictures and memories. “I freakin’ love you…that’s so awesome” says our studied doctor. Wow, has he ever got a way with words! Although it was less steamy than his date with Bevin, he is always more drawn to Tessa’s coy and very real character.
Then, it’s the day we’ve been waiting for. But we can’t get to the big moment without a good 30 minutes of montage: cheesy, deep-in-thought shots of Andy and the two women all alone, pondering their respective futures in the serenity that is Hawaii. It’s basically cinematic genius, and it touches all our hearts. Oh, we also got some good shots of the two remaining ladies crying and talking about their feelings.
And then…it’s on to the final rose ceremony.
Andy positions himself in his ocean-front proposal spot, and awaits the two women. My heart is racing like I just finished spin class. But spinning ended at 7:15pm, so this is all Bachelor-induced.
Bevin arrives first. I’m nervous. And then (you guys, my heart is SERIOUSLY racing) he breaks up with her while starting to cry. Before he says it, she knows it’s over. Wait, it’s a little bit sad. And then he smudges her eye make up to make it look like he punched her in the face. She’s not having it. She has nothing to say, and he is totally torn up about it. Holy awkward and uncomfortable. I can bet you 82 bucks that walk to the limo was Andy’s least favorite part so far. He says, “I will never forget you.” Really? Like it’s even a possibility that you would? And then Bevin has her camera time while weeping.
Andy then has to pull it together. Does anyone else wonder how much time he has between heart-break and proposal? I’m totally curious. 10 minutes? Two hours? Enough time to quickly swim/bike/run an Ironman? Most likely the latter, seeing as we’re dealing with an Officer and a Gentleman here.
Then he awaits his “wish come true” to arrive. Tessa approaches Andy hesitantly, and Andy gets right to the point. Or…well…he gives her a speech of sorts first, and then he gets on one knee. She cries, he talks some more, and asks her to marry him! She says yes! It’s a miracle. (Page Six, you suck. How dare you say she doesn’t say yes!)
And…well, “Love lifts us up where we belong.” And up comes my dinner.
Until next season!
Mike
p.s. Why the last scene with Tessa wearing the dog tags? Why?
Monday, May 21, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
To Bone or Not to Bone
How excited were we at the beginning? It’s the best episode of the season. One-on-one dates, romantic evenings, and the inevitable first night together (is anyone else remembering the moans we heard from Tina Fabulous and Andrew Firestone a few seasons back?). ABC has since censored the explicit details, but the To Bone or Not to Bone episode is still a keeper.
First things first. Andy looks like a nerd in his Navy outfit. He has no butt, and his misshaped chest is accentuated by his Navy whites. But whatever, the Navy keeps us safe and it’s fun looking at his white boxers through his white pants.
Before the boning begins, Andy welcomes the girls to Hawaii and shows the remaining hoes Pearl Harbor and bits and pieces of American history. One by one, he parades the girls in front of tourists, and it’s awkward. Then, Tessa arrives, and he introduces her to a five-year-old redhead as his “girlfriend” while they toss flowers into the water to commemorate the dead. Hmmm…who does he like most? I’ll let you guess.
The first date starts with the best: Tessa. OG brings Tessa to Kauai for some fast-paced zip-lining action. All I can think about is Bible-beater teen camps, but it’s fine. I had fun at those, and I was amazing at the zip line…until my swimsuit came off in the lake. It’s fine; I’m over it. Tessa and Andy have good times on the zip line, and they kiss while wearing their silly hats and harnesses. Then they’re off to more outdoor adventures on a suspension bridge. During the late afternoon, they hike and have a happy hour with some fruit, wine, and some of Andy’s cheesy Hawaiian knowledge. They kiss. They kiss some more. I’m obsessed with Tessa. Then it gets cheesier and I get nervous and look away from the TV because he calls her “goofy.”
Wearing a horrifying white blazer, Andy greets Tessa for the evening portion of their romantic day together. Tessa looks cute, and they share love talk on a hammock together. Tessa opens up, Andy loves it, he almost proposes. Not really…but really. He’s smitten. [For real though, is anyone else goobed out by Andy when he talks sometimes?] Then they eat sushi and whatever and fall more in love and whatever. Then he pulls out the “To Bone or Not to Bone” note like it’s some surprise. I mean…
He puts the Fantasy Suite on the table, and she accepts. ABC totally led us to think there was drama to be had, but no. Tessa wanted it and so did Andy. During a desserty-type thing, Tessa opens up more and basically admits she’s falling in love with him. The inevitable shirtless/swimsuit bathtub scene ensues. And maybe more…
On the previews for the next two dates, we’re reminded of Andy’s Adonis-like body. It’s great and all, but I’m not into the fact that he clearly shaves his chest. I just have no time for that type of manscaping. Embrace your man hair. It’s hot. Chests were not meant to be shaved. Backs, however? Wax that mess before I barf. [Lesson of the Day: How do I know he shaves his chest? As a student of the male form, one must analyze all parts of the bod to know whether or not chest hair exists. Andy’s hairy arms give it away, in this instance.]
Date two. Danielle and Andy on an ocean catamaran. He pretends he’s happy at the beginning, but we all know he misses Tessa. Then the dolphins arrive and it’s fun. Andy is wearing Ray-Bans and it’s awesome. Is it just me, or does she feel like a sister, not a girlfriend? No time to waste debating this, because shirts quickly come off as they swim and make out while donning snorkels. “Snorkels” and “make out” shouldn’t be in the same sentence, but that’s just me. I also hope that make outs won’t be associated with sisters, so let’s just say they’re not brother and sister.
At dinner Andy surprises Danielle with a psychic reader. Psychic lady speaks in a pseudo-psychic accent and it’s annoying. Then she brings up her old boyfriend. Apparently Danielle hasn’t let go of him. Then the psychic tells Andy to think about how love would decide versus how fear would decide when it comes to the impending engagement. Deep. Profound. Stupid.
Then (surprise!) the “To Bone” note comes out and they spend the night together in a suite that is fantastic.
The last date reunites Bevin and Andy on yet another Hawaiian outdoor adventure. On the slate today: is there more than a physical connection between the two lovebirds? To find that out, he takes her kayaking down a dirty river and swimming in a dirty waterfall. She’s wearing a stupid newsie cap. They hike through the rainforest, and their conversation is predictably awkward. Andy feels “electricity in his soul” when he’s with Bevin and that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Then they jump in the waterfall and make out in the dirty water. E. Coli anyone? I certainly hope not. Oh, and Bevin has gross tattoos that I’m completely not into. Then Andy tells her that he “saved the best for last” since she’s the last of the three dates. Not nice. Totally the wrong thing to say.
The evening portion is a private luau. They dance like idiots. And then they have serious talk about her shady past. The fantasy suite bone fest happens next. They pretend they’re going to talk about themselves more in hopes of building a relationship, but they totally realize the “passion” they share. Bevin gets interviewed and she says she loves him. Stressful.
Before the rose ceremony Andy has his ABC-director-induced stressfest about who he’s going to choose. Thus his best friend arrives to talk him off the ledge. Wait for it. Friend’s name: Gatsby?!?!?! Is he kidding? Were his parents kidding? Were they obsessed with raising a moneyed disaster from a fictional town on Long Island? I can’t. The two boys discuss the relative merits of the three girls and Gatsby imparts the profundity of life to Andy. So sweet. But seriously…Gatsby? It’s just too much. Am I seriously referring to a real human being as “Gatsby?”
The Hawaiian rose ceremony is stressful. Tessa and Bevin wear bright colors and Danielle wears black. Is this a hint of things to come?
Yes.
Roses go to Bevin and Tessa.
Danielle goes home in her black dress. I saw it coming from a mile away, but then I got nervous at the last second. But of course I remember that true love always prevails on The Bachelor. Ha!
Awards
1) Worst body art: Bevin’s. Not cute. Tattoo removal anyone?
2) Worst manscaping: Andy’s. Don’t shave your man business. Your chest would be hotter with chest hair…and maybe we wouldn’t notice your malformation as much.
3) Worst goodbye speech: Andy’s words to Danielle. It just sucked. But I loved his tears and she drove away.
4) Most dignified goodbye: Danielle’s. Totally strong. Good for her.
Until next week (season finale!!!),
Mike
p.s. I'm already preparing myself for a huge heartbreak because we all know who I want him to choose.
First things first. Andy looks like a nerd in his Navy outfit. He has no butt, and his misshaped chest is accentuated by his Navy whites. But whatever, the Navy keeps us safe and it’s fun looking at his white boxers through his white pants.
Before the boning begins, Andy welcomes the girls to Hawaii and shows the remaining hoes Pearl Harbor and bits and pieces of American history. One by one, he parades the girls in front of tourists, and it’s awkward. Then, Tessa arrives, and he introduces her to a five-year-old redhead as his “girlfriend” while they toss flowers into the water to commemorate the dead. Hmmm…who does he like most? I’ll let you guess.
The first date starts with the best: Tessa. OG brings Tessa to Kauai for some fast-paced zip-lining action. All I can think about is Bible-beater teen camps, but it’s fine. I had fun at those, and I was amazing at the zip line…until my swimsuit came off in the lake. It’s fine; I’m over it. Tessa and Andy have good times on the zip line, and they kiss while wearing their silly hats and harnesses. Then they’re off to more outdoor adventures on a suspension bridge. During the late afternoon, they hike and have a happy hour with some fruit, wine, and some of Andy’s cheesy Hawaiian knowledge. They kiss. They kiss some more. I’m obsessed with Tessa. Then it gets cheesier and I get nervous and look away from the TV because he calls her “goofy.”
Wearing a horrifying white blazer, Andy greets Tessa for the evening portion of their romantic day together. Tessa looks cute, and they share love talk on a hammock together. Tessa opens up, Andy loves it, he almost proposes. Not really…but really. He’s smitten. [For real though, is anyone else goobed out by Andy when he talks sometimes?] Then they eat sushi and whatever and fall more in love and whatever. Then he pulls out the “To Bone or Not to Bone” note like it’s some surprise. I mean…
He puts the Fantasy Suite on the table, and she accepts. ABC totally led us to think there was drama to be had, but no. Tessa wanted it and so did Andy. During a desserty-type thing, Tessa opens up more and basically admits she’s falling in love with him. The inevitable shirtless/swimsuit bathtub scene ensues. And maybe more…
On the previews for the next two dates, we’re reminded of Andy’s Adonis-like body. It’s great and all, but I’m not into the fact that he clearly shaves his chest. I just have no time for that type of manscaping. Embrace your man hair. It’s hot. Chests were not meant to be shaved. Backs, however? Wax that mess before I barf. [Lesson of the Day: How do I know he shaves his chest? As a student of the male form, one must analyze all parts of the bod to know whether or not chest hair exists. Andy’s hairy arms give it away, in this instance.]
Date two. Danielle and Andy on an ocean catamaran. He pretends he’s happy at the beginning, but we all know he misses Tessa. Then the dolphins arrive and it’s fun. Andy is wearing Ray-Bans and it’s awesome. Is it just me, or does she feel like a sister, not a girlfriend? No time to waste debating this, because shirts quickly come off as they swim and make out while donning snorkels. “Snorkels” and “make out” shouldn’t be in the same sentence, but that’s just me. I also hope that make outs won’t be associated with sisters, so let’s just say they’re not brother and sister.
At dinner Andy surprises Danielle with a psychic reader. Psychic lady speaks in a pseudo-psychic accent and it’s annoying. Then she brings up her old boyfriend. Apparently Danielle hasn’t let go of him. Then the psychic tells Andy to think about how love would decide versus how fear would decide when it comes to the impending engagement. Deep. Profound. Stupid.
Then (surprise!) the “To Bone” note comes out and they spend the night together in a suite that is fantastic.
The last date reunites Bevin and Andy on yet another Hawaiian outdoor adventure. On the slate today: is there more than a physical connection between the two lovebirds? To find that out, he takes her kayaking down a dirty river and swimming in a dirty waterfall. She’s wearing a stupid newsie cap. They hike through the rainforest, and their conversation is predictably awkward. Andy feels “electricity in his soul” when he’s with Bevin and that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Then they jump in the waterfall and make out in the dirty water. E. Coli anyone? I certainly hope not. Oh, and Bevin has gross tattoos that I’m completely not into. Then Andy tells her that he “saved the best for last” since she’s the last of the three dates. Not nice. Totally the wrong thing to say.
The evening portion is a private luau. They dance like idiots. And then they have serious talk about her shady past. The fantasy suite bone fest happens next. They pretend they’re going to talk about themselves more in hopes of building a relationship, but they totally realize the “passion” they share. Bevin gets interviewed and she says she loves him. Stressful.
Before the rose ceremony Andy has his ABC-director-induced stressfest about who he’s going to choose. Thus his best friend arrives to talk him off the ledge. Wait for it. Friend’s name: Gatsby?!?!?! Is he kidding? Were his parents kidding? Were they obsessed with raising a moneyed disaster from a fictional town on Long Island? I can’t. The two boys discuss the relative merits of the three girls and Gatsby imparts the profundity of life to Andy. So sweet. But seriously…Gatsby? It’s just too much. Am I seriously referring to a real human being as “Gatsby?”
The Hawaiian rose ceremony is stressful. Tessa and Bevin wear bright colors and Danielle wears black. Is this a hint of things to come?
Yes.
Roses go to Bevin and Tessa.
Danielle goes home in her black dress. I saw it coming from a mile away, but then I got nervous at the last second. But of course I remember that true love always prevails on The Bachelor. Ha!
Awards
1) Worst body art: Bevin’s. Not cute. Tattoo removal anyone?
2) Worst manscaping: Andy’s. Don’t shave your man business. Your chest would be hotter with chest hair…and maybe we wouldn’t notice your malformation as much.
3) Worst goodbye speech: Andy’s words to Danielle. It just sucked. But I loved his tears and she drove away.
4) Most dignified goodbye: Danielle’s. Totally strong. Good for her.
Until next week (season finale!!!),
Mike
p.s. I'm already preparing myself for a huge heartbreak because we all know who I want him to choose.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Amber causing trouble back at home...
From a devoted reader in the field...
http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5283072
Amber is causing her principal major job drama!
http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5283072
Amber is causing her principal major job drama!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Not all families are created equal.
Good lord, the year-long intro profiling OG’s feelings about each of the Final Four was enough to make me pour another glass of wine. I’m not gonna lie, I was excited to see the drama. We all know that tonight’s episode is full of inevitably awkward and mutable moments, so let’s get to the drama STAT! (Am I the only one remembering Jen’s crazy, gun-pulling dad from last season? Glad that romance lasted…) Hold on…another sip of wine…and we’re off.
The first hometown date finds Andy arriving to Seattle to meet up with Bevin, the woman with whom he feels an electric “current.” What? Let’s not confuse her shady past with an electric current. But wait, he says “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Oh great, now I’m vomiting up the wine I just drank. I wasted all that money on Two Buck Chuck for this?!?
Alright, girlfriend has a secret. She tells us about her former marriage when she was a trashy teen. Love me some teenage love! His reaction: weirded out, but diplomatic as always. Let us not forget that he is an Officer and a Gentleman after all. Am I the only one thinking she left out some juicy deets, though? Why did they get married? How old was she? How many months along was she when they got hitched? All questions to which I need answers.
[Sidenote: Ty Pennington was arrested?!?!?!?!? The news clips during the commercials just alerted me to this ever-important info. What, did he assault someone with his megaphone on the set of “Extreme Home Makeover”?? I can’t.]
Back to the issue at hand. Bevin and her teen angsty love history meets Mr. Perfect. OG brings flowers and coffee to the moms as he arrives to her dad’s lakefront home. Andy certainly fits in with the house full of blonds…I kinda feel like he’s everyone’s big brother. That could lead to grossness, but whatever. It’s totally easy-going and chill, which is very nice. Her real mom gives him a painting (nice, actually), and it’s a cute date.
Dad cuts to the chase. He asks Bevin to her face if she loves him. Stressful? Then they both cry and I barf again. At least this show is turning into a weight-loss method. Then Andy leaves and hugs everyone and it’s cute. Date one yields no mutable, uncomfortable moments. On to the next.
Stop #2 is Connecticut with Danielle. Their split-level house makes me just think they’re nice. The two dogs are cute too. Wait…she lives at HOME?!? Oh no…not good. Not okay. The girls cook dinner while Andy talks to her dad who looks like a serial killer. But he seems pretty nice when he talks about her nice mom, so maybe he hasn’t gone on a killing rampage. Only time will tell, I guess. Dinner chatter revolves around relationships, moving to Hawaii, and cheesy fate talk.
Then Dad plays the drums. Weird, but slightly cute. Mom then teaches belly dancing. If he had been naked, it would have been hotter, but whatever. Okay, then I realize the family is really cute. Dad doesn’t kill people, and he actually hugs OG at the door. Cute. Wow…two dates down, nothing to mute yet? What’s happening? More wine, please.
The third date finds us in DC with Tessa and Andy. Okay, I like Tessa, so let’s hope this goes well.
[Sidenote 2: Did anyone else see the Mother’s Day JCPenney ad chronicling the life of a girl to teen to wife to mom with her mom following the whole time? I almost teared up.]
The snow-filled DC Mall finds Tessa and OG reunited. Andy shows his true colors, I think, and I totally love it. Cheeseball, goofy, cute. They play in the snow about it. Then they go home to the cute DC row house and meet the fam and her best friend. Super fun, loud, cool. Totally cute. Also love that they drink beer.
Tessa leaves to change clothes, and her sister, friend and Dad get to know him a bit by putting him in the hot-seat. Andy reveals his “faults” as not being able to sing and not being able to cook. Okay, open up a bit more, OG. You’re being grilled; you need to oblige. Samantha, the friend, sees that he avoids tough questions. Perceptive friend indeed! They make him nervous, and I like that.
They continue to grill him at dinner, and it makes me a bit nervous. Okay, first nervous moment of the show for me. The boys excuse themselves to do dishes, and the women have girl talk. Dad possibly screws up Tessa’s chances by saying Tessa went on the show for “fun.” OG, being a serious serviceman gets nervous, and sits the family down and grills them in return. He’s totally a mess about it because he likes her most and he feels he’s getting messed with. He’s totally stressed out. Like legitimately upset about it. He tells her that she is “across the board, so incredible.” He totally almost said, “across the board, the one I like most,” but he’s an Officer and a Gentleman, so he holds back. At this point, I feel like dorky Andy is the most legit of all bachelors. Like totally invested and emotional about this, and taking it seriously. He tells her he wants to fall in love with her. This is totally a first!! He likes the chase, I think. Don’t we all? (Did I just reveal too much?)
The final date brings us to Texas! We all know I love me some Texas. Not necessarily cookie-cutter-Sugar-Land-ish-suburbia-no-family-support Texas, but whatever. It’s Amber’s turn, and we’re all excited for the drama to come. Will her parents disappoint us? Will this be a Bachelor first? Does she have a family at all? Is she a homeless, family-less, 23-year-old disaster? Only time will tell. Andy meets Amber (Andy and Amber? Ewww…not a cute ring to it. Feels very sixth-grade roller skating party to me.) at her school. The kiddies then come to her class to meet her. It’s totally cute…especially when they talk about how he likes their teacher. Cute. He calls her “pretty” and “nice” and he talks to them like they’re in a special class. That’s sounds mean, but he acted dumb.
Wait, so now I feel bad. Is Amber really family-less? Her parents aren’t supportive, so she’s using her aunt and uncle as stand-ins. They don’t come through either…and it’s awkward and weird. Mute? She’s embarrassed, because she knows that this is a total deal-breaker. No family, no in-laws, no nothin’. Andy makes her feel way better, because he’s nice like that.
The not-gonna-last happy couple then go to Amber’s apartment to meet her scary-spice roommate. The stupid little dog and her roommate meet the couple. Um, her roommate might be a little stupid too. BTW, I HATE little yippy dogs…I felt bad for Andy having to listen to that mess.
Then, surprise of the night, her aunt comes over to save the day! Andy was so cute and happy to meet her, and Amber is happy. Everything is so happy. But she lives with her sorority sister friend and she has an unsupportive family. Not into it. Her roommate says, in Texas fashion, “Y’all are meant to be.” Er not. To me, this was a big bust. Amber’s sweet, she’s 23, I wish her luck. And to her parents, buck up! Support your daughter and don’t make her look like a fool on national TV.
The rose ceremony is brief. OG gets right to business.
1) Tessa (yes!)
2) Bevin
3) Danielle
And Amber goes home because her family sucks. Amber says she doesn’t understand, but let’s be honest. Amber, sit back and think about the date you had. No family, dumb dog, silly roommate, the list goes on…But, she puts him in his place when he says her age was an issue since he said it wasn’t in some sordid hot tub scene. It was a prolonged break-up, and I started sweating. It was super awkward and no fun to watch. Especially when she talks about their life she imagined. L
Awards:
1) Worst dog: Amber’s…and her roommate a little bit since she looks like a canine as well.
2) Biggest disappointment: Amber’s family. I mean…
3) Future legal team of the century: Tessa’s family and their 82 questions.
Until next week...Hawaii! An episode I like to call “To Bone, or Not to Bone.”
Mike
The first hometown date finds Andy arriving to Seattle to meet up with Bevin, the woman with whom he feels an electric “current.” What? Let’s not confuse her shady past with an electric current. But wait, he says “I’m in heaven when I’m with Bevin.” Oh great, now I’m vomiting up the wine I just drank. I wasted all that money on Two Buck Chuck for this?!?
Alright, girlfriend has a secret. She tells us about her former marriage when she was a trashy teen. Love me some teenage love! His reaction: weirded out, but diplomatic as always. Let us not forget that he is an Officer and a Gentleman after all. Am I the only one thinking she left out some juicy deets, though? Why did they get married? How old was she? How many months along was she when they got hitched? All questions to which I need answers.
[Sidenote: Ty Pennington was arrested?!?!?!?!? The news clips during the commercials just alerted me to this ever-important info. What, did he assault someone with his megaphone on the set of “Extreme Home Makeover”?? I can’t.]
Back to the issue at hand. Bevin and her teen angsty love history meets Mr. Perfect. OG brings flowers and coffee to the moms as he arrives to her dad’s lakefront home. Andy certainly fits in with the house full of blonds…I kinda feel like he’s everyone’s big brother. That could lead to grossness, but whatever. It’s totally easy-going and chill, which is very nice. Her real mom gives him a painting (nice, actually), and it’s a cute date.
Dad cuts to the chase. He asks Bevin to her face if she loves him. Stressful? Then they both cry and I barf again. At least this show is turning into a weight-loss method. Then Andy leaves and hugs everyone and it’s cute. Date one yields no mutable, uncomfortable moments. On to the next.
Stop #2 is Connecticut with Danielle. Their split-level house makes me just think they’re nice. The two dogs are cute too. Wait…she lives at HOME?!? Oh no…not good. Not okay. The girls cook dinner while Andy talks to her dad who looks like a serial killer. But he seems pretty nice when he talks about her nice mom, so maybe he hasn’t gone on a killing rampage. Only time will tell, I guess. Dinner chatter revolves around relationships, moving to Hawaii, and cheesy fate talk.
Then Dad plays the drums. Weird, but slightly cute. Mom then teaches belly dancing. If he had been naked, it would have been hotter, but whatever. Okay, then I realize the family is really cute. Dad doesn’t kill people, and he actually hugs OG at the door. Cute. Wow…two dates down, nothing to mute yet? What’s happening? More wine, please.
The third date finds us in DC with Tessa and Andy. Okay, I like Tessa, so let’s hope this goes well.
[Sidenote 2: Did anyone else see the Mother’s Day JCPenney ad chronicling the life of a girl to teen to wife to mom with her mom following the whole time? I almost teared up.]
The snow-filled DC Mall finds Tessa and OG reunited. Andy shows his true colors, I think, and I totally love it. Cheeseball, goofy, cute. They play in the snow about it. Then they go home to the cute DC row house and meet the fam and her best friend. Super fun, loud, cool. Totally cute. Also love that they drink beer.
Tessa leaves to change clothes, and her sister, friend and Dad get to know him a bit by putting him in the hot-seat. Andy reveals his “faults” as not being able to sing and not being able to cook. Okay, open up a bit more, OG. You’re being grilled; you need to oblige. Samantha, the friend, sees that he avoids tough questions. Perceptive friend indeed! They make him nervous, and I like that.
They continue to grill him at dinner, and it makes me a bit nervous. Okay, first nervous moment of the show for me. The boys excuse themselves to do dishes, and the women have girl talk. Dad possibly screws up Tessa’s chances by saying Tessa went on the show for “fun.” OG, being a serious serviceman gets nervous, and sits the family down and grills them in return. He’s totally a mess about it because he likes her most and he feels he’s getting messed with. He’s totally stressed out. Like legitimately upset about it. He tells her that she is “across the board, so incredible.” He totally almost said, “across the board, the one I like most,” but he’s an Officer and a Gentleman, so he holds back. At this point, I feel like dorky Andy is the most legit of all bachelors. Like totally invested and emotional about this, and taking it seriously. He tells her he wants to fall in love with her. This is totally a first!! He likes the chase, I think. Don’t we all? (Did I just reveal too much?)
The final date brings us to Texas! We all know I love me some Texas. Not necessarily cookie-cutter-Sugar-Land-ish-suburbia-no-family-support Texas, but whatever. It’s Amber’s turn, and we’re all excited for the drama to come. Will her parents disappoint us? Will this be a Bachelor first? Does she have a family at all? Is she a homeless, family-less, 23-year-old disaster? Only time will tell. Andy meets Amber (Andy and Amber? Ewww…not a cute ring to it. Feels very sixth-grade roller skating party to me.) at her school. The kiddies then come to her class to meet her. It’s totally cute…especially when they talk about how he likes their teacher. Cute. He calls her “pretty” and “nice” and he talks to them like they’re in a special class. That’s sounds mean, but he acted dumb.
Wait, so now I feel bad. Is Amber really family-less? Her parents aren’t supportive, so she’s using her aunt and uncle as stand-ins. They don’t come through either…and it’s awkward and weird. Mute? She’s embarrassed, because she knows that this is a total deal-breaker. No family, no in-laws, no nothin’. Andy makes her feel way better, because he’s nice like that.
The not-gonna-last happy couple then go to Amber’s apartment to meet her scary-spice roommate. The stupid little dog and her roommate meet the couple. Um, her roommate might be a little stupid too. BTW, I HATE little yippy dogs…I felt bad for Andy having to listen to that mess.
Then, surprise of the night, her aunt comes over to save the day! Andy was so cute and happy to meet her, and Amber is happy. Everything is so happy. But she lives with her sorority sister friend and she has an unsupportive family. Not into it. Her roommate says, in Texas fashion, “Y’all are meant to be.” Er not. To me, this was a big bust. Amber’s sweet, she’s 23, I wish her luck. And to her parents, buck up! Support your daughter and don’t make her look like a fool on national TV.
The rose ceremony is brief. OG gets right to business.
1) Tessa (yes!)
2) Bevin
3) Danielle
And Amber goes home because her family sucks. Amber says she doesn’t understand, but let’s be honest. Amber, sit back and think about the date you had. No family, dumb dog, silly roommate, the list goes on…But, she puts him in his place when he says her age was an issue since he said it wasn’t in some sordid hot tub scene. It was a prolonged break-up, and I started sweating. It was super awkward and no fun to watch. Especially when she talks about their life she imagined. L
Awards:
1) Worst dog: Amber’s…and her roommate a little bit since she looks like a canine as well.
2) Biggest disappointment: Amber’s family. I mean…
3) Future legal team of the century: Tessa’s family and their 82 questions.
Until next week...Hawaii! An episode I like to call “To Bone, or Not to Bone.”
Mike
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