Um...pics from a Bachelorite. Hotty Doc, what's with the long hair? That's the biggest damn mess. Keep the juicy deets coming, readers. You know you love this.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Pics from a drunken night.
Um...pics from a Bachelorite. Hotty Doc, what's with the long hair? That's the biggest damn mess. Keep the juicy deets coming, readers. You know you love this.
Monday, January 30, 2006
"Head-to-toe Spandex. That's hot."
Six hoes, three days, four roses. And we begin.
Who’s going to decide who gets the one-on-one dates? Who else? Bitches from previous episodes! Jenny (the “model”) and Shiloh (the woman named after a horse) return to Paris to interview/interrogate the remaining ladies. When I say “interview/interrogate” I mean degrade and mortify.
They basically rape Moana. And we move on.
Date One: Jehan, 29.
A romantic evening is spent in gay Paris. She confesses the deal-breaker: she’s once been married. She isn’t pure. Travis’s picture of her is ruined. Romantic date thereby over. But, since he has no cojones, he asks her to stay without offering a rose. WEAK.
Date Two: Sarah (from somewhere north), Tara, Susan, Moana.
A bike ride through the countryside fuels competition and heat. Moana, naturally, wins the race. And wins one-on-one time with Hotty Doc. Travis loves women in “head-to-toe Spandex,” by the way.
Moana, as the winner, gets a massage. The other girls get nada. Well, they get to talk about her behind her back—which, I guess, is something. Moana later confronts them after overhearing the sh*t-talking, and cries. For the first time this episode. There are two more incidents of her crying, don’t worry.
Date Three: Sarah from TN
With curlers in her hair, she prepares for her date as any Southern girl would do. Once together, the lovely couple gets a horrific portrait painted, Travis re-affirms that he has no working knowledge of French, and we’re over it. Oh, she gets a rose too.
Prior to the big event (rose ceremony), Travis visits the “women’s home” (oddly reminiscent of a loony bin) and gets some more individual time with the remaining swooners. Sarah (Canada?) reminds us that she’s still stoned. Jehan sells vitamins and is once-divorced. Moana cries again. And again.
Rose Ceremony.
1) Sarah (TN)
2) Sarah (Canada—wait…how much longer can this place exist?)
3) Susan
4) Moana (the bitch always pulls through!)
BYEEEEEEEE to Tara and Jehan. Tara, warns Travis of Moana’s disastrous ways. We’re over it. Because, you know what? She’s not all bad. ABC is just starved for some drama.
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Most hideous shirt: Travis’s puke-brown shirt at the rose ceremony.
2) Most Dramatic: Moana. Stop the tears. We don’t like them
3) Outfits that best epitomize the South: Sarah (TN). Boufant hair, curlers, overdone dresses. It all amounts to the rebel lifestyle.
Until next week, your undying Bachelorite,
Mike
Who’s going to decide who gets the one-on-one dates? Who else? Bitches from previous episodes! Jenny (the “model”) and Shiloh (the woman named after a horse) return to Paris to interview/interrogate the remaining ladies. When I say “interview/interrogate” I mean degrade and mortify.
They basically rape Moana. And we move on.
Date One: Jehan, 29.
A romantic evening is spent in gay Paris. She confesses the deal-breaker: she’s once been married. She isn’t pure. Travis’s picture of her is ruined. Romantic date thereby over. But, since he has no cojones, he asks her to stay without offering a rose. WEAK.
Date Two: Sarah (from somewhere north), Tara, Susan, Moana.
A bike ride through the countryside fuels competition and heat. Moana, naturally, wins the race. And wins one-on-one time with Hotty Doc. Travis loves women in “head-to-toe Spandex,” by the way.
Moana, as the winner, gets a massage. The other girls get nada. Well, they get to talk about her behind her back—which, I guess, is something. Moana later confronts them after overhearing the sh*t-talking, and cries. For the first time this episode. There are two more incidents of her crying, don’t worry.
Date Three: Sarah from TN
With curlers in her hair, she prepares for her date as any Southern girl would do. Once together, the lovely couple gets a horrific portrait painted, Travis re-affirms that he has no working knowledge of French, and we’re over it. Oh, she gets a rose too.
Prior to the big event (rose ceremony), Travis visits the “women’s home” (oddly reminiscent of a loony bin) and gets some more individual time with the remaining swooners. Sarah (Canada?) reminds us that she’s still stoned. Jehan sells vitamins and is once-divorced. Moana cries again. And again.
Rose Ceremony.
1) Sarah (TN)
2) Sarah (Canada—wait…how much longer can this place exist?)
3) Susan
4) Moana (the bitch always pulls through!)
BYEEEEEEEE to Tara and Jehan. Tara, warns Travis of Moana’s disastrous ways. We’re over it. Because, you know what? She’s not all bad. ABC is just starved for some drama.
Tonight’s Awards:
1) Most hideous shirt: Travis’s puke-brown shirt at the rose ceremony.
2) Most Dramatic: Moana. Stop the tears. We don’t like them
3) Outfits that best epitomize the South: Sarah (TN). Boufant hair, curlers, overdone dresses. It all amounts to the rebel lifestyle.
Until next week, your undying Bachelorite,
Mike
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Bachelorite Update #1!
From a loyal (and sexy) bachelorite who lives in Nashville:
"i actually SAW mr hot doc the other night at a bar. he is cuter in person if you can believe it. and word here in nashville is that sarah from tn makes it to the round where he meets her parents and it goes badly. she went cuckoo when her last relationship broke up and told everybody her now ex is gay."
I love having my minions do the dirty work...
"i actually SAW mr hot doc the other night at a bar. he is cuter in person if you can believe it. and word here in nashville is that sarah from tn makes it to the round where he meets her parents and it goes badly. she went cuckoo when her last relationship broke up and told everybody her now ex is gay."
I love having my minions do the dirty work...
Monday, January 23, 2006
"When I wake up, I'm excited."
Chris begins the episode with the all-important question: “Who wants to be a doctor’s wife.” Well…me for one. But, let’s get to the juice…
Hotty-Mc-Hot-A-Doc’s friends join us in France to accomplish one mission: superficially judge the remaining girls. Make them do embarrassing things, and humor us for days.
Then, Date One begins. Friends Matt and Kevin chose Susan for the first date, which was a romantic evening spent in a Smart Car and a Parisian Café. This one-on-one date will live in infamy due to the following quotes.
1) “Oh my god, I completely agree with you.” – Susan
2) “I like you so much it freaks me out.” – Susan
3) “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan
And I’m dead. Susan is an aspiring actress. To me, she’s an aspiring Univision star. God those Spanish telenovelas are AMAZING! To our surprise, she gets a rose.
Date Two: Tara, Sarah from TN, Moana, Jehan and Shiloh are whisked away to the French Riviera. Drama ensues.
Mr. Bicep takes his shirt off, and we’re all peeing a little bit. His biceps are larger than my midsection, and I’m fine with it.
First, Moana takes Travis for a ride on the SeaDoo. The bitches are pissed, and it’s all normal in Bachelorland. Gambling soon begins, and Shiloh becomes inappropriately drunk. She then wastedly exposes Moana’s cruel intentions. We’re a bit embarrassed for her, but we’re over it.
Sarah from TN tells us that she’s serious about Travis after she is presented with the question: “Are you a sexual being?” which serenades as “Are you a virgin?” My take? Yes, she’s a raging virge. Then a drunken Old Navy employee interrupts (Tara).
Moana wakes Travis the following morning with some coffee and a little morning loving (which we all agree is the best). She thus secures the rose.
Date Three: Sarah (Canada) and Jennifer go camping! Jennifer, the “model” is a bit uncomfortable with the concept of time spent outside, and she loses because of it. She’s afraid of bugs, and Travis is afraid of her. Sarah, in her stoned magnificence, gets the last rose. She’s drunk, she’s on drugs, and we love it all. But, then we come to the following realization: when is Travis going to realize she doesn’t exist? What is this Canada place?
Tonight’s Roses…
1) Susan
2) Moana
3) Sarah (Canada)
4) Jehan (who are you?)
5) Tara
6) Sarah (TN)
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to Jennifer and Shiloh.
Tonight’s Awards…
1) Worst outfit: Matt, the doctor friend. A plaid blazer and a ridiculously striped shirt is never a good choice.
2) Best quote: “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan. Seriously…no.
3) Best biceps: Travis. I kinda wanna lick ‘em.
Until next week,
Mike
Hotty-Mc-Hot-A-Doc’s friends join us in France to accomplish one mission: superficially judge the remaining girls. Make them do embarrassing things, and humor us for days.
Then, Date One begins. Friends Matt and Kevin chose Susan for the first date, which was a romantic evening spent in a Smart Car and a Parisian Café. This one-on-one date will live in infamy due to the following quotes.
1) “Oh my god, I completely agree with you.” – Susan
2) “I like you so much it freaks me out.” – Susan
3) “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan
And I’m dead. Susan is an aspiring actress. To me, she’s an aspiring Univision star. God those Spanish telenovelas are AMAZING! To our surprise, she gets a rose.
Date Two: Tara, Sarah from TN, Moana, Jehan and Shiloh are whisked away to the French Riviera. Drama ensues.
Mr. Bicep takes his shirt off, and we’re all peeing a little bit. His biceps are larger than my midsection, and I’m fine with it.
First, Moana takes Travis for a ride on the SeaDoo. The bitches are pissed, and it’s all normal in Bachelorland. Gambling soon begins, and Shiloh becomes inappropriately drunk. She then wastedly exposes Moana’s cruel intentions. We’re a bit embarrassed for her, but we’re over it.
Sarah from TN tells us that she’s serious about Travis after she is presented with the question: “Are you a sexual being?” which serenades as “Are you a virgin?” My take? Yes, she’s a raging virge. Then a drunken Old Navy employee interrupts (Tara).
Moana wakes Travis the following morning with some coffee and a little morning loving (which we all agree is the best). She thus secures the rose.
Date Three: Sarah (Canada) and Jennifer go camping! Jennifer, the “model” is a bit uncomfortable with the concept of time spent outside, and she loses because of it. She’s afraid of bugs, and Travis is afraid of her. Sarah, in her stoned magnificence, gets the last rose. She’s drunk, she’s on drugs, and we love it all. But, then we come to the following realization: when is Travis going to realize she doesn’t exist? What is this Canada place?
Tonight’s Roses…
1) Susan
2) Moana
3) Sarah (Canada)
4) Jehan (who are you?)
5) Tara
6) Sarah (TN)
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to Jennifer and Shiloh.
Tonight’s Awards…
1) Worst outfit: Matt, the doctor friend. A plaid blazer and a ridiculously striped shirt is never a good choice.
2) Best quote: “I’m a smitten kitten.” – Susan. Seriously…no.
3) Best biceps: Travis. I kinda wanna lick ‘em.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
"Have you guys seen the tip?"
Episode two gets it going. Three dates, twelve hoes, six roses. And we begin. (Let’s not forget that I’m wasted while writing this.)
Date One: Eiffel Tower and Arc
Travis Mc-Hot-A-Doc invites Jehan, Yvonne, Cole, Sarah from TN and Elizabeth on a sightseeing tour of Paris. It’s raining, hair is deflating, and the romance is waning. Yet, out of nowhere, Travis says, “Have you seen the tip…” And the fun begins. Jehan confesses that her three passions are nature, church and health. Wow, I couldn’t be more excited. Er…what? Regardless, Jehan secures the rose and she’s safe until episode three.
Date Two: Boat Cruise on the Seine
Travis invites Kristen O’Mall Hair on a romantic date on the Seine. She writes a poem worthy of a first-grade writing prize and loses Travis’s interest. And then, to think she hadn’t already ruined it all, she puts an orange peel in her mouth to mimic trash teeth. At this point, I’m dying. I’m sorry, who does that? As if your ramen-noodle hair hadn’t already set you behind the competition, you have to go and write a bad poem and serenade him with trash teeth?? So, needless to say, Kristen was quickly dismissed with an anti-rose. Have a safe flight, Kristen. Maybe boys in Florida will appreciate your knack at elementary literature.
Date Three: Jennifer, Shiloh, Moana, Susan, Sarah from Canada and Tara
A helicopter lands at the manse and picks up the six ladies. They are whisked away to somewhere French and inevitable romance ensues. Sarah from Canada (what?? Can someone remind me of the location of said fictional place??) states, all so eloquently, “I feel wow with you,” and I proceed to barf. Tara, red-headed and fabulous, walks around in unfortunate shorts. Let me remind us all that her profession is “retail sales.” I can picture her now in a suburban Kansas Old Navy, complete with a Backstreet-Boys-style headset. She’s clearly amazing and talented in her chosen profession. Yet, skills and all, she secures the rose on Date Three. And we have a red-head in the top six. I think it’s Travis’s version of affirmative action. I, too, have a dream, that one day, we will have a red-head in the top six of The Bachelor. And we do. Thank you, MLK.
At the rose ceremony, a greasy Travis chooses:
1) Moana, the dark horse
2) Sarah from TN
3) Jennifer
4) Sarah from Canada who requests “baby kisses”
5) Shiloh
6) Susan
7) Jehan
8) Tara
Byeeeeeeeeee to 1) Yvonne, 2) Cole, 3) Elizabeth, and 4) Kristen.
Awards:
1) Quote of the night: “Have you guys seen the tip?” –Travis
2) Best outfit: Tara’s tweed shorts. Never. Ever. For real.
3) Most wasted: everyone I watched the Golden Globes with. I love you all.
I’m drunk and I’m going to bed.
Until next week,
Mike
Date One: Eiffel Tower and Arc
Travis Mc-Hot-A-Doc invites Jehan, Yvonne, Cole, Sarah from TN and Elizabeth on a sightseeing tour of Paris. It’s raining, hair is deflating, and the romance is waning. Yet, out of nowhere, Travis says, “Have you seen the tip…” And the fun begins. Jehan confesses that her three passions are nature, church and health. Wow, I couldn’t be more excited. Er…what? Regardless, Jehan secures the rose and she’s safe until episode three.
Date Two: Boat Cruise on the Seine
Travis invites Kristen O’Mall Hair on a romantic date on the Seine. She writes a poem worthy of a first-grade writing prize and loses Travis’s interest. And then, to think she hadn’t already ruined it all, she puts an orange peel in her mouth to mimic trash teeth. At this point, I’m dying. I’m sorry, who does that? As if your ramen-noodle hair hadn’t already set you behind the competition, you have to go and write a bad poem and serenade him with trash teeth?? So, needless to say, Kristen was quickly dismissed with an anti-rose. Have a safe flight, Kristen. Maybe boys in Florida will appreciate your knack at elementary literature.
Date Three: Jennifer, Shiloh, Moana, Susan, Sarah from Canada and Tara
A helicopter lands at the manse and picks up the six ladies. They are whisked away to somewhere French and inevitable romance ensues. Sarah from Canada (what?? Can someone remind me of the location of said fictional place??) states, all so eloquently, “I feel wow with you,” and I proceed to barf. Tara, red-headed and fabulous, walks around in unfortunate shorts. Let me remind us all that her profession is “retail sales.” I can picture her now in a suburban Kansas Old Navy, complete with a Backstreet-Boys-style headset. She’s clearly amazing and talented in her chosen profession. Yet, skills and all, she secures the rose on Date Three. And we have a red-head in the top six. I think it’s Travis’s version of affirmative action. I, too, have a dream, that one day, we will have a red-head in the top six of The Bachelor. And we do. Thank you, MLK.
At the rose ceremony, a greasy Travis chooses:
1) Moana, the dark horse
2) Sarah from TN
3) Jennifer
4) Sarah from Canada who requests “baby kisses”
5) Shiloh
6) Susan
7) Jehan
8) Tara
Byeeeeeeeeee to 1) Yvonne, 2) Cole, 3) Elizabeth, and 4) Kristen.
Awards:
1) Quote of the night: “Have you guys seen the tip?” –Travis
2) Best outfit: Tara’s tweed shorts. Never. Ever. For real.
3) Most wasted: everyone I watched the Golden Globes with. I love you all.
I’m drunk and I’m going to bed.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, January 09, 2006
"I'm ready for the reproductive stage."
Well folks, the above-quoted sentence is one we’ve all learned never to say. Thanks Crazy…I mean Allie.
Friends, lovers, and everyone in between,
It’s back. And so am I.
Oh, and so are the crazies. Her name is Allie, by the way. And apparently she’s an oncologist. If we could go ahead and refer her to the nearest psychiatrist, that’d be great.
And on with the show…
We join Hotty McHot-a-Doc in Paris. Naturally, he’s educated, hot, and loaded with traits aimed at raising his stock price. Namely, he’s a doctor named Travis who says things like, “Yeah, it’s very big.” More on that quote to come.
Travis, by the way, might be my comeback kid. His stock is cresting (again, a Hot Doctor), he lives in the South, and he’s the next Bachelor. Thank you ABC, you just may have picked a winner. Oh let’s be honest, he’ll choose some chick and they’ll break it off two months later. But I blog on…
The ladies arrived to the chateau limo by limo, one by one. Some were cute. Some wore bad dresses. And some spoke of their dying eggs and their need to make babies ASAP. Note to self, never mention dying eggs and necessary reproduction during first five minutes of meeting man of dreams. (Also realize that I don’t have eggs.)
A few highlights of the arrivals: Kristen’s (a.k.a. “Jugs”) huge boobs; Moana’s disastrous dress; Princess’s name; Jaime’s dress and mall hair; and Sarah’s (the Canadian) stoned demeanor.
Note to ABC: we’re on to you. You only film the hoes that he picks and/or cause drama. It makes rose time less exciting. Also, work on the music. I’ve asked for three (3) seasons now for new music, and you’ve yet to deliver. It’s getting old.
Okay, back to the show. The first rose went to Sarah from Canada (I’m sorry…where is that again?). She was stoned. It’s just that simple.
The remaining roses went to:
1) Cole
2) Moana who wore a bad dress and ugly leaf earrings
3) Jennifer who’s a “model”
4) Elizabeth
5) Shiloh who was named after some horse that I rode when I was 6.
6) Yvonne
7) Jehan
8) Susan
9) Tara
10) Sarah from TN who’s cute
11) “Jugs” (Kristen)
And now, for tonight’s awards.
-Best Occupation: Jehan. She’s a “Vitamin Sales Rep.”
-Best Quote: “Yeah, it’s very big.” –Travis. (See above.)
Runner-up: “I work in a hospital” –Travis. Just say you’re a doctor, you humble sh*t.
-Best—i.e. WORST—name: Princess (runners up are Shiloh, Venus and Jehan)
-Cutest: Sarah and Sarah. Get ready to duke it out, bitches.
-Worst Moment: “I’m ready for the reproductive stage.” – Allie. Get some help.
-Biggest Stoner: Sarah from…where?...Canada??
-HOLY CRAZY AWARD: Allie. Enjoy your flight home. And remind me to tell all your patients you’re crazy.
-Coolest: Me. Obviously.
Until next week, au revoir,
Mike, your devoted, loving, redeemed blogger.
Friends, lovers, and everyone in between,
It’s back. And so am I.
Oh, and so are the crazies. Her name is Allie, by the way. And apparently she’s an oncologist. If we could go ahead and refer her to the nearest psychiatrist, that’d be great.
And on with the show…
We join Hotty McHot-a-Doc in Paris. Naturally, he’s educated, hot, and loaded with traits aimed at raising his stock price. Namely, he’s a doctor named Travis who says things like, “Yeah, it’s very big.” More on that quote to come.
Travis, by the way, might be my comeback kid. His stock is cresting (again, a Hot Doctor), he lives in the South, and he’s the next Bachelor. Thank you ABC, you just may have picked a winner. Oh let’s be honest, he’ll choose some chick and they’ll break it off two months later. But I blog on…
The ladies arrived to the chateau limo by limo, one by one. Some were cute. Some wore bad dresses. And some spoke of their dying eggs and their need to make babies ASAP. Note to self, never mention dying eggs and necessary reproduction during first five minutes of meeting man of dreams. (Also realize that I don’t have eggs.)
A few highlights of the arrivals: Kristen’s (a.k.a. “Jugs”) huge boobs; Moana’s disastrous dress; Princess’s name; Jaime’s dress and mall hair; and Sarah’s (the Canadian) stoned demeanor.
Note to ABC: we’re on to you. You only film the hoes that he picks and/or cause drama. It makes rose time less exciting. Also, work on the music. I’ve asked for three (3) seasons now for new music, and you’ve yet to deliver. It’s getting old.
Okay, back to the show. The first rose went to Sarah from Canada (I’m sorry…where is that again?). She was stoned. It’s just that simple.
The remaining roses went to:
1) Cole
2) Moana who wore a bad dress and ugly leaf earrings
3) Jennifer who’s a “model”
4) Elizabeth
5) Shiloh who was named after some horse that I rode when I was 6.
6) Yvonne
7) Jehan
8) Susan
9) Tara
10) Sarah from TN who’s cute
11) “Jugs” (Kristen)
And now, for tonight’s awards.
-Best Occupation: Jehan. She’s a “Vitamin Sales Rep.”
-Best Quote: “Yeah, it’s very big.” –Travis. (See above.)
Runner-up: “I work in a hospital” –Travis. Just say you’re a doctor, you humble sh*t.
-Best—i.e. WORST—name: Princess (runners up are Shiloh, Venus and Jehan)
-Cutest: Sarah and Sarah. Get ready to duke it out, bitches.
-Worst Moment: “I’m ready for the reproductive stage.” – Allie. Get some help.
-Biggest Stoner: Sarah from…where?...Canada??
-HOLY CRAZY AWARD: Allie. Enjoy your flight home. And remind me to tell all your patients you’re crazy.
-Coolest: Me. Obviously.
Until next week, au revoir,
Mike, your devoted, loving, redeemed blogger.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
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