Ladies and gentleladies, the Bachelor Finale has arrived, and I'll give you one guess which kind of rose ceremony it is. Yes, you guessed it: The Most Dramatic Final Rose Ceremony Ever. So I put on my fluffy robe, sit down in my plush chair, turn on the flatscreen TV, take a sip of my wine, enjoy my view of the lovely Milwaukee skyline (here for a photo shoot staying at a killer new hotel…and yes, “photo shoot” and “Milwaukee” are in the same sentence), and tune in to the eight-hour saga that the Bachelor Finale has become.
Before I begin, quick poll: who is dying with anticipation as they begin to watch? Even though this show blows massive goats, I’m still sucked in and all a-twitter (no, not the website) about this.
Okay, on to the show. It’s the battle of M v. M. Melissa versus Molly. We’re still in New Zealand, because it’s pretty and far from reality. Just like this show.
Chugga chugga choo choo. Can you hear it? It’s a train wreck, and it’s coming our way.
After a forced tearful reunification of Dad and Ty, Melissa is first on the scene. Bit of a surprise here as Melissa isn’t ragingly uncomfortable or awkward with Ty. She’s cute and pretty natural. It’s annoying because Melissa sucks.
After some play time that involves a goat (um???) Melissa and Jason go to meet Jason’s family. Melissa sells herself to the family. His parents are weirded out that he hasn’t met her parents, so they grill her. Melissa pretends like her family is close-knit; we clearly don’t believe it. They’re heartless and cold and they hate their daughter and we all know it. Next, Jason’s brothers question Melissa, and I’m slightly obsessed with their quizzical and cynical looks as she says how ready she is for a life with Jason. It’s brilliant. After the family pretty much approves of Melissa, she’s sent packing. Jason admits (to the camera) that he’s falling in love with her. End scene.
Molly is next. Ty and Melissa really hit it off; can Molly establish the same connection? I feel like she should, because not only is she from my hometown, but she also works in Milwaukee and I’m here right now. So basically, she has to win. She arrives, and you can tell she is super nervous. She’s definitely going to blow it. Ty hates her when she arrives and doesn’t say hi or pay any attention to her. It’s awesome. And then, inevitably, he starts to like her. I think he was more in to the kite, but Molly was there so she got the love that was aimed at the kite. Sidenote: why is Ty wearing a royal blue longsleeve shirt under a navy polo? Not cute. In the end, Molly ends up being pretty cute with Ty, and things are good.
Next, it’s meet-the-family time. Molly is predictably a little more personable than Melissa, and she’s cute and engaging. His brothers are the first to question Molly, and it’s pretty cute and casual. Dad is impressed with Molly as well, and he remarks that she seems “grounded.” While Mom and Molly chat, his siblings sit down with him and they’re completely sold on Molly. They see that Molly is in love with him, and they love her too. Jason is overwhelmed, and sits down on the grass with Mom and cries about it. He’s a mess. PYT Jason, pull yourself together.
Okay, after date one, let’s be honest: neither of these chicks is the one.
Before the second date, Melissa talks to her hater parents. They agree to talk to Jason on the phone. Like that solves the problem of her parents sucking?
The two begin their last date together on a boat on a rainy day. The rain is rather fortuitous if Seattle is to be Melissa’s destiny…but is it? The two make the most of the dumpy day by swimming in the freezing cold water…soon followed by a steamy shower scene and cuddling. Like we didn’t know that was coming. Later that evening, Melissa and Jason share a romantic night by the fire. Melissa tells Jason that her parents want to talk to him, and then she tells him she loves him and blah blah blah. Jason says in response, “I’ve never felt this way either.” Well DUH. How many times have you been on the precipice of proposing to two chicks who are in love with you? Great response, Captain Diplomat. And where was the phone call with the parents??
On another rainy day, Molly and Jason spend their last day together. Molly takes control of the day, and brings Jason back to her place for a massage. Molly mounts up on Jason and massages him…back AND front…and I’m just saying that the frontal massage was pretty hot and heavy. She cooks him dinner next, because that’s what wives do. Molly opens up to Jason and starts crying as she tells him how in love with him she is. “It’s insane, so awesome.” Well put Molly, well put. Next, Molly gives Jason “A Fairytale Love Story,” a book she put together for him. He tells her, “You know I’m falling for you.” Um…how long do you think he rehearses his “I don’t love you yet” lines?? They’re brilliant.
The next morning, Jason makes the call to Melissa’s parents.
AND THEN…DeAnna is back!!!! Are we surprised?
Jason tells DeAnna that he’s choosing between the one who has it all, and the “wild card.” DeAnna says that she chose the wild card, and it didn’t work out. She makes her final plea in her oh-so-unemotional way: “You haven’t proposed yet; you still have the chance.” Jason totally disses her…and he FINALLY gets his revenge. And as she leaves, she tells him, in so many words, to choose Melissa.
FYI, I hope that you’re all following along during the commercial breaks to what is going to happen during the “After the Final Rose” episode. I’m absolutely loving it.
The melodramatic recap/montage pre-rose ceremony is awesome and dumb all at the same time. Tears, bad dresses, platitudes galore. It’s all so great…and so predictable. And it’s time…
The first poorly-clad finalist arrives: Molly. He’s so going to break up with her. You can just tell in his stupid eyes. As soon as he drops the word “amazing,” you know it’s over. Please…what a joke. And then…surprise!! He breaks up with her. I love her for retorting with a calm and steady, “I think you’ve made a mistake…a big one.” Awesome. Soon followed by, “I think you’re going to end up hurt again.” Ooh…I love her more now than I ever have! No drama, just truth. That one bit hard. Goodbye forever (???), Jason.
Molly drives away into Never Never Land, and Jason cries like a three-year-old. He SO knows he took the safe, boring route.
Melissa shows up next in a dumb dress. I’m sure she’s totally excited to get proposed to only to get broken up with. Who wouldn’t be? Then he proposes. After she screams like an idiot, he proposes. Barf. It’s so disingenuous. Best of luck with your break-up.
Sidenote: what if her parents are like Nazi-sympathizing anti-Seattle-ites? That would suck.
But wait…who cares? “After The Final Rose” comes on right after! Unless you’re dumb, you know what’s coming.
In front of…no audience…Jason comes right on stage to tell us that it’s over with Melissa and he’s still in love with Molly. It’s UN.BE.LIEV.ABLE!!!!! This show has mastered a formula for DISASTER. And this, folks, is why I remain committed to this work of art. It’s television GENIUS. Even before the trashy rag mag covers and press junkets, this relationship has already dissolved. It’s record timing this go around. Jason has proven he is a joke, and a big fat mess. I can’t wait for Jason and Molly to get engaged and then to break up!
But first, Melissa joins Jason on stage for the official break-up. I mean, this is a mess. Jason is a D-bag and I hate him. I don’t love Melissa, but please, this is a tragedy. Jason tells her how things are different, how the chemistry and changed, and how they’re not right for each other. She fights back perfectly, because you can totally tell that he has withdrawn and not discussed it with her. He then tells her that he has feelings for Molly. She says, “You don’t want to fight for Melissa. Because you’re having doubts over someone you already said goodbye to.” As he explains, she mutters, “You’re such a bastard.” Brilliant! She is PISSED. Work it, child. And in a way only ABC execs could script, she hands Jason the ring and there is a commercial break.
They say goodbye on national television with a, “Goodbye. Don’t call me. I don’t want to talk to you.” Great line, Melissa. But let’s face the truth: her parents are SO GLAD they didn’t meet him on TV. She leaves us with a dignified soliloquy in the limo.
Next, an unknowing Molly joins Jason on stage. Um…she looks like a lion with her disastrous hair. She’s still upset and hurt, but is completely dumbstruck when Jason tells her that he’s still in to her and that he’s done with Melissa. Utterly dumbstruck. I feel like she fell out of love with him as he sat there talking to her, and telling her he still wanted her. And then he hesitated when Chris asked him if he was still in love with her. Seriously?? D-bag central. But Molly totally takes Jason back, and they completely make out on stage five minutes after he ended his engagement. Best of luck with your life together, Molly and Jason. I give it until May. No...April.
Tonight’s awards:
1) Most horrific-slash-amazing Bachelor break-up ever: Tonight’s break-up on national television, Jason versus Melissa.
2) Most dramatic “After The Final Rose Ever”: Tonight’s. ABC finally got one of their “most dramatic” predictions correct!
3) Biggest waste of three hours: Tonight.
4) The stop searching for love award: Jason. Raise your kid and move on with your life.
Ewww…I feel sick. The fact that they kissed and she’s totally in to him again is vomit-inducing. I’m done.
For ABC, I have a proposal:
I’ve decided the next Bachelorette should be my prosti-slut neighbor, Laura (is that her name?). She sucks. She’s 22, her dad pays her rent, she speaks at a volume any blue-hair could hear from miles away, she wears brick shoes, she listens to the same four songs on repeat at high volume, and she dabbles in exotic dancing and prostitution. Did I mention she sucks? And that she’s an illegal subletter? And that she ruins my life every day? She sounds like a dream, right?!? ABC, please send her to LA for four months to meet the guy she’ll break up with! Please! My sleep depends on it.
Until next (please no!) season,
Mike
p.s. Thank Baby Jesus I no longer have to be the first gay Bachelor.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
To Bone or Not To Bone?
It’s my favorite episode of the season: the Fantasy Date episode, in which the Bachelor whisks his three lovers away to a fabulous destination (New Zealand, in this case) so he can con them into boning him while they’re too awestruck by the scenery to really comprehend the gravity of the situation. Ahhh, the inevitable “To Bone or Not To Bone” episode! Nothing gets me going like seeing three chicks over three consecutive nights grapple with the pressing question of whether or not to sleep with their boyfriend with whom they’ve spent a grand total of ~15 hours “dating” over the past few weeks. It’s genius. And we begin…
The frontrunner, Jillian, is first. Riding high off the most successful “meet the parents” visit in Bachelor history, she’s sitting pretty. But Jason has questions. Thus, I will call this Fantasy Date, “Jillian: Is There Romance?” The vignette begins with a chopper ride around the peaks and valleys of New Zealand. They share an afternoon of beautiful views and good times, but Jason is searching for more. Yeah, he likes her a whole lot. But does he love her? Is there something beyond friendship brewing here? Yes, of course there is! And she convinces him (with her requisite trembly voice) of this over dinner at a winery. “I have never, in my entire life, felt like somebody is more meant for me than you are,” says Jillian. And Jason melts. His true love has expressed her emotions, and the romance is there! Jason says “it’s possible I’m falling in love with her.” And we know it’s true when the H.O.T. tub scene follows. Um…was it just me, or was this about as X-rated as The Bachelor as ever been? I’m talking pelvis-to-pelvis, leg-wrapping-around-bumping-and-grinding-and-moaning hot tub ACTION folks. It was H.O.T. with a capital H.O.T. I think we can safely assume they boned here.
The next day, feathers ruffled a bit from the night before, Jason meets the other top contender for his love, Molly. While she isn’t looking her cutest in an oversized brown sleeveless cable-knit cardigan, she is still her cute Midwestern self, and we love her. We’ll entitle this Fantasy Date, “Molly: Is there Depth?” Jason is longing for Molly to open up and dive into the relationship head first…and that is exactly what she does. They bungee jump, and dive head-first in to love. Awww. After the jumping extravaganza, they share a cup of coffee and Molly asks Jason a lengthy list of questions, which I thought was pretty cute. She delivered the questions in her typical quirky/smirky way, and it was cute. We now know that Jason prefers peanut butter chocolate ice cream (as do I). Thank goodness that was resolved. Later in the evening, they meet up for dinner. Molly is looking cute as can be in a dress and heels, and Jason wears a sweater and jeans. Um…you look underdressed and stupid, Jason. Pull it together. Jason probes Molly to see if she has any emotional depth, and she delivers! She admits to her guard being up, but she also admits to falling in love with him, and it actually looks believable. Sidenote: how classic that Jason pointed out that her family was distant and not emotional on the outside? Gotta love the Midwest! Then, in her Molly way, she shakes things up by asking Jason to spend the night with her, as opposed to waiting for the card from Chris. Amazing. They bone.
Lastly, Melissa the family-less wonder from Texas arrives to get third place. No one likes her, she isn’t as cute, and we’re just plain over it. I’ll entitle this Fantasy Date, “Melissa: Is there a Secret?” Seriously, Melissa, what was the deal with your ghost family? Why do they hate you? Why did you totally blow it on the hometown date? Why are you even here? Whatever. Jason meets her wearing a disastrous graphic polo-meets-tee-shirt two-for-one disaster, and it’s a mess. They share a beautiful boat ride on Winston Churchill’s old boat (what?) and he grills her about her family. I kind of tuned out at this point b/c I was more interested in the eye candy on my couch (and my dinner), but apparently she said the right things about her bizarre-o family, and she won him back. They share dinner, they share sex. They bone.
Wow…three-for-three on the To Bone or Not To Bone Challenge! Way to go Jason!
After the whirlwind week, Jason is left to contemplate his future. Luckily, he has three cheesy video messages from the girls to help him! Kidding. They’re dumb as always, and we’re over it. We’re simply left reaffirmed in our beliefs: Jillian and Molly are staying, and Melissa is going back to Texas to hang out with her “family” who hates her.
BUT WAIT.
Melissa not only arrives in a HEINOUS prom dress circa 1995, she gets a rose! Are you kidding me? She is hereby referred to as Devil in a Bad Dress. Shocker of the century (or, more like shocker of February 16, 2009, but whatever).
Jason gives roses to:
1) Melissa
2) Molly
And he sends Jillian back to the mythical land of Canada! Are we dying? I’m dying.
Sadly, Jillian jibber-jabbers as she leaves, but we love her all the same. Best of luck finding the man of your dreams in Canada, Jilly! We love you in America. She leaves the set, Jason cries knowing he made a mistake, and we all turn off the TV in disbelief.
Awards:
1) Most Canadian: Jillian
2) Worst dress: Melissa’s high school dance dress
3) Worst family: Melissa’s hateful family
4) Worst decision: keeping Melissa on.
5) Most from Grand Rapids: Molly
Until two weeks from now (I’m not blogging the Bitches Tell All episode, as I’ll be working on my tan South of the border!),
Mike
The frontrunner, Jillian, is first. Riding high off the most successful “meet the parents” visit in Bachelor history, she’s sitting pretty. But Jason has questions. Thus, I will call this Fantasy Date, “Jillian: Is There Romance?” The vignette begins with a chopper ride around the peaks and valleys of New Zealand. They share an afternoon of beautiful views and good times, but Jason is searching for more. Yeah, he likes her a whole lot. But does he love her? Is there something beyond friendship brewing here? Yes, of course there is! And she convinces him (with her requisite trembly voice) of this over dinner at a winery. “I have never, in my entire life, felt like somebody is more meant for me than you are,” says Jillian. And Jason melts. His true love has expressed her emotions, and the romance is there! Jason says “it’s possible I’m falling in love with her.” And we know it’s true when the H.O.T. tub scene follows. Um…was it just me, or was this about as X-rated as The Bachelor as ever been? I’m talking pelvis-to-pelvis, leg-wrapping-around-bumping-and-grinding-and-moaning hot tub ACTION folks. It was H.O.T. with a capital H.O.T. I think we can safely assume they boned here.
The next day, feathers ruffled a bit from the night before, Jason meets the other top contender for his love, Molly. While she isn’t looking her cutest in an oversized brown sleeveless cable-knit cardigan, she is still her cute Midwestern self, and we love her. We’ll entitle this Fantasy Date, “Molly: Is there Depth?” Jason is longing for Molly to open up and dive into the relationship head first…and that is exactly what she does. They bungee jump, and dive head-first in to love. Awww. After the jumping extravaganza, they share a cup of coffee and Molly asks Jason a lengthy list of questions, which I thought was pretty cute. She delivered the questions in her typical quirky/smirky way, and it was cute. We now know that Jason prefers peanut butter chocolate ice cream (as do I). Thank goodness that was resolved. Later in the evening, they meet up for dinner. Molly is looking cute as can be in a dress and heels, and Jason wears a sweater and jeans. Um…you look underdressed and stupid, Jason. Pull it together. Jason probes Molly to see if she has any emotional depth, and she delivers! She admits to her guard being up, but she also admits to falling in love with him, and it actually looks believable. Sidenote: how classic that Jason pointed out that her family was distant and not emotional on the outside? Gotta love the Midwest! Then, in her Molly way, she shakes things up by asking Jason to spend the night with her, as opposed to waiting for the card from Chris. Amazing. They bone.
Lastly, Melissa the family-less wonder from Texas arrives to get third place. No one likes her, she isn’t as cute, and we’re just plain over it. I’ll entitle this Fantasy Date, “Melissa: Is there a Secret?” Seriously, Melissa, what was the deal with your ghost family? Why do they hate you? Why did you totally blow it on the hometown date? Why are you even here? Whatever. Jason meets her wearing a disastrous graphic polo-meets-tee-shirt two-for-one disaster, and it’s a mess. They share a beautiful boat ride on Winston Churchill’s old boat (what?) and he grills her about her family. I kind of tuned out at this point b/c I was more interested in the eye candy on my couch (and my dinner), but apparently she said the right things about her bizarre-o family, and she won him back. They share dinner, they share sex. They bone.
Wow…three-for-three on the To Bone or Not To Bone Challenge! Way to go Jason!
After the whirlwind week, Jason is left to contemplate his future. Luckily, he has three cheesy video messages from the girls to help him! Kidding. They’re dumb as always, and we’re over it. We’re simply left reaffirmed in our beliefs: Jillian and Molly are staying, and Melissa is going back to Texas to hang out with her “family” who hates her.
BUT WAIT.
Melissa not only arrives in a HEINOUS prom dress circa 1995, she gets a rose! Are you kidding me? She is hereby referred to as Devil in a Bad Dress. Shocker of the century (or, more like shocker of February 16, 2009, but whatever).
Jason gives roses to:
1) Melissa
2) Molly
And he sends Jillian back to the mythical land of Canada! Are we dying? I’m dying.
Sadly, Jillian jibber-jabbers as she leaves, but we love her all the same. Best of luck finding the man of your dreams in Canada, Jilly! We love you in America. She leaves the set, Jason cries knowing he made a mistake, and we all turn off the TV in disbelief.
Awards:
1) Most Canadian: Jillian
2) Worst dress: Melissa’s high school dance dress
3) Worst family: Melissa’s hateful family
4) Worst decision: keeping Melissa on.
5) Most from Grand Rapids: Molly
Until two weeks from now (I’m not blogging the Bitches Tell All episode, as I’ll be working on my tan South of the border!),
Mike
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Homeward-bound
So we’ve got four chicks left, and four hometown dates between them and the trip of their lifetime—a jaunt to New Zealand with a short single dad. We’re homeward-bound this week, folks, and we know what that means: a whole lotta crazy is in store for us. Before I begin, let me refresh our collective memory on the remaining bimbos: Jillian, Molly, Melissa and Naomi. Two suck, two rock, who will be the last b*tch standing?
Our first trip home is to the mythical land of Canadia. Kelowna, British Columbia, in fact. Wait…who lives in Canada? Jillian does, duh. Sidenote: $50 to the first person to name the Canadian Prime Minister without Googling it. Anyways, back to business. Apparently Canada is pretty in the Fall. Jillian shows Jason the lake on which she spent her childhoods. She also opens up about her mom’s battle with depression. Jason is touched, they definitely like each other. They soon head to her house, where her family literally embraces Jason with the Canadian flag. Pretty funny. Her dad is a gem, her mom is cute, sister’s sexy…this hometown visit wins! There wasn’t a hint of awkwardness, and we’re excited that Jason just met his future ex-in-laws. Oh, and the grandma was cute too. But seriously, this has to go down in Bachelor history as one of the better hometown dates ever. We love Jillian, even though she says a-GAIN (again).
After the glorious visit to the north…he continues his trek above the Mason-Dixon line, and heads to Grand Rapids, Michigan (my hometown, in case any of you DARED forget) to visit Molly, the other frontrunner. It’s basically paradise. The prettiest place on earth, with a cute country club to boot! Get this: I spent every summer of my life setting records at the pool at the country club where they played golf. Just sayin’…
Molly and Jason reunite at the country club and play a round of golf. They then head to Molly’s parents’ house to meet the mom, the dad, and the sister and husband. The mom pulls out some funny tricks and embarrasses her daughter and Jason by making them wear hats. The dad is a mute who can’t carry a conversation with his daughter, but we’ll look beyond that. Jason is then forced to draw a picture of Molly, which wasn’t THAT bad, but was also quite heinous. Mom’s quirky antics aside, this hometown visit was fine and she’s still in the running. And Grand Rapids, the shining jewel of the Midwest, looked fantastic!
After two good hometown dates, we all know what’s coming: the bad one. Jason descends on California to meet Naomi and her family. Within the first hour at home, the mom initiates a hula hoop contest and a burial of a white dove she killed while driving. Yes, you read that correctly. Jason and family bury a dead bird in the backyard, and Jason is forced to eulogize the mangy thing. Gross, weird, disgusting. Also gross? The fact that this bird was kept in the refrigerator in a brown bag prior to the ceremonial burial. (I also love how the crazy mom comes with the requisite gray, streaky hair that all earth mothers have.) Jason is horrified. His horror continues when the distant dad starts evangelizing about Jesus. It’s awesome…total classic Bachelor fodder, and I’m loving it! Naomi talks to her dad next, and flat-out tells him that she doesn’t care if Jason isn’t a Jesus-seeker. It’s awkward and uncomfortable because we can clearly tell she has no relationship with her father at all. Combine the disastrous family with the fact that Naomi just plain sucks (and totally isn’t ready to settle and/or be a mom) and this dark-skinned beauty with an underbite is a goner.
Finally, Jason gets to meet Melissa’s family in Dallas (what Bachelor would be complete without a visit to Texas??). CUE THE RECORD-SCRATCH SOUNDBITE! Just kidding, Melissa’s family is too “private” to meet Melissa’s suitor in a televised event, so Jason is stuck having dinner with two of Melissa’s friends and their husbands and kids. Awesome. You know she had to cull through her Rolodex (even though no one has a Rolodex…it just sounded good) to find her married friends, as opposed to her single friends in order to convince Jason that’s she’s ready to marry. It’s amazing. It’s also completely uneventful. Jason spends some time with her two girlfriends, who admit they totally don’t know Melissa’s parents. Wait…does Melissa even have parents? I guess that remains to be seen. Rather bizarre all around, and we’re left to wonder: will Jason drop this mess and keep Naomi around, or is Melissa worth keeping on because she sucks less than Naomi?
To be honest, I thought Melissa seemed a bit more “real” in this episode, and I like her a little more. Clearly not as much as Jillian or Molly, but whatever.
Back in Seattle, Chris and Jason catch up in order to stretch the show to a full two hours. Ugh…
Jason expresses his concern for…well…ALL of the girls. Are they ready? Can they really envision a life with a single dad? Can they live with him in his house in Seattle which is SO OBVIOUSLY not the house on the water that ABC rented for him so it looks like he’s loaded? Clearly Jason is a “fixer” and he goes for the young, helpless chicks. Disaster.
At the Rose Ceremony (a.k.a. the Return of the Heinous Striped Shirt/Tie Combo), we’re treated to more bad fashion and one broken heart.
He chooses:
1) Molly
2) Jillian
3) Melissa
No surprises that Naomi is sent packing. Best of luck in Crazytown.
Awards:
1) Best hometown: Grand Rapids, MI
2) Loony Tunes family: Naomi’s
3) Worst shoes at rose ceremony: Naomi’s gold gladiator deals that tied up her chubby legs.
4) Worst fashion consultant: The stylist dressing Jason. The loud striped shirt is NEVER cute. Thanks. Keep that in 2002 where it belongs.
Until next week,
Mike
Our first trip home is to the mythical land of Canadia. Kelowna, British Columbia, in fact. Wait…who lives in Canada? Jillian does, duh. Sidenote: $50 to the first person to name the Canadian Prime Minister without Googling it. Anyways, back to business. Apparently Canada is pretty in the Fall. Jillian shows Jason the lake on which she spent her childhoods. She also opens up about her mom’s battle with depression. Jason is touched, they definitely like each other. They soon head to her house, where her family literally embraces Jason with the Canadian flag. Pretty funny. Her dad is a gem, her mom is cute, sister’s sexy…this hometown visit wins! There wasn’t a hint of awkwardness, and we’re excited that Jason just met his future ex-in-laws. Oh, and the grandma was cute too. But seriously, this has to go down in Bachelor history as one of the better hometown dates ever. We love Jillian, even though she says a-GAIN (again).
After the glorious visit to the north…he continues his trek above the Mason-Dixon line, and heads to Grand Rapids, Michigan (my hometown, in case any of you DARED forget) to visit Molly, the other frontrunner. It’s basically paradise. The prettiest place on earth, with a cute country club to boot! Get this: I spent every summer of my life setting records at the pool at the country club where they played golf. Just sayin’…
Molly and Jason reunite at the country club and play a round of golf. They then head to Molly’s parents’ house to meet the mom, the dad, and the sister and husband. The mom pulls out some funny tricks and embarrasses her daughter and Jason by making them wear hats. The dad is a mute who can’t carry a conversation with his daughter, but we’ll look beyond that. Jason is then forced to draw a picture of Molly, which wasn’t THAT bad, but was also quite heinous. Mom’s quirky antics aside, this hometown visit was fine and she’s still in the running. And Grand Rapids, the shining jewel of the Midwest, looked fantastic!
After two good hometown dates, we all know what’s coming: the bad one. Jason descends on California to meet Naomi and her family. Within the first hour at home, the mom initiates a hula hoop contest and a burial of a white dove she killed while driving. Yes, you read that correctly. Jason and family bury a dead bird in the backyard, and Jason is forced to eulogize the mangy thing. Gross, weird, disgusting. Also gross? The fact that this bird was kept in the refrigerator in a brown bag prior to the ceremonial burial. (I also love how the crazy mom comes with the requisite gray, streaky hair that all earth mothers have.) Jason is horrified. His horror continues when the distant dad starts evangelizing about Jesus. It’s awesome…total classic Bachelor fodder, and I’m loving it! Naomi talks to her dad next, and flat-out tells him that she doesn’t care if Jason isn’t a Jesus-seeker. It’s awkward and uncomfortable because we can clearly tell she has no relationship with her father at all. Combine the disastrous family with the fact that Naomi just plain sucks (and totally isn’t ready to settle and/or be a mom) and this dark-skinned beauty with an underbite is a goner.
Finally, Jason gets to meet Melissa’s family in Dallas (what Bachelor would be complete without a visit to Texas??). CUE THE RECORD-SCRATCH SOUNDBITE! Just kidding, Melissa’s family is too “private” to meet Melissa’s suitor in a televised event, so Jason is stuck having dinner with two of Melissa’s friends and their husbands and kids. Awesome. You know she had to cull through her Rolodex (even though no one has a Rolodex…it just sounded good) to find her married friends, as opposed to her single friends in order to convince Jason that’s she’s ready to marry. It’s amazing. It’s also completely uneventful. Jason spends some time with her two girlfriends, who admit they totally don’t know Melissa’s parents. Wait…does Melissa even have parents? I guess that remains to be seen. Rather bizarre all around, and we’re left to wonder: will Jason drop this mess and keep Naomi around, or is Melissa worth keeping on because she sucks less than Naomi?
To be honest, I thought Melissa seemed a bit more “real” in this episode, and I like her a little more. Clearly not as much as Jillian or Molly, but whatever.
Back in Seattle, Chris and Jason catch up in order to stretch the show to a full two hours. Ugh…
Jason expresses his concern for…well…ALL of the girls. Are they ready? Can they really envision a life with a single dad? Can they live with him in his house in Seattle which is SO OBVIOUSLY not the house on the water that ABC rented for him so it looks like he’s loaded? Clearly Jason is a “fixer” and he goes for the young, helpless chicks. Disaster.
At the Rose Ceremony (a.k.a. the Return of the Heinous Striped Shirt/Tie Combo), we’re treated to more bad fashion and one broken heart.
He chooses:
1) Molly
2) Jillian
3) Melissa
No surprises that Naomi is sent packing. Best of luck in Crazytown.
Awards:
1) Best hometown: Grand Rapids, MI
2) Loony Tunes family: Naomi’s
3) Worst shoes at rose ceremony: Naomi’s gold gladiator deals that tied up her chubby legs.
4) Worst fashion consultant: The stylist dressing Jason. The loud striped shirt is NEVER cute. Thanks. Keep that in 2002 where it belongs.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Groundhog's Day--Have we been here before?
Another Groundhog’s Day, another episode of The Bachelor…I can’t help but think: have we been here before? The answer is yes. Just as the furry rodent appears in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania year after year to somehow predict our weather, our gaggle or girls fiending over some dude with far too many gratuitous shirtless scenes reappears on ABC week after week, year after year…and so do I. (Oops, sorry about my short hiatus over the past couple weeks. We’ll just say I got “tied up.”)
Apparently missing two episodes is an amazing strategy, because we’re already down to five divas vying for this single dad’s love: Melissa, Jillian, Stephanie, Naomi and Molly. Before I even begin, let me just predict that it’s going to come down to the two cutest and most normal chicks in the running: Jillian and Molly. Duh. Jillian brings the Canadian heat, and I love her. And Molly…well…I simply HAVE to love her because she’s from my hometown and her mom may or may not have worked at my father’s place of employment for years. Not to mention, she’s cute and fun and spunky in the Grand Rapids, MI sort of way.
This episode, the girls are transported to the mythical land of Seattle, where they are forced to face the truth: can you handle 11.5 months of rain each year, or are you too weak? Do you really want to marry a short guy with an annoying son, or are you gonna bail when things get tough? Interesting question, Mike. And one that is quickly answered on the first one-on-one date with Melissa.
This date promises to be magical. Melissa gets all dressed up in a “pretty” dress for a night on the town with Jason. What could be better than the space needle on a cloudy and rainy night? Why, it’s obvious isn’t it? A night at home with Jason because his kid is too needy to let Daddy take Melissa on the previously-mentioned date! As Jason prepares for his big night out, little Ty gets whiny and the spineless father obliges his child’s needs by staying in. He gives Mel a ring, and she is forced to abandon all hopes for romance, and, instead, heads to Jason’s house on the water for a night in. She arrives in her dress and cleans the house (as every woman should) while Jason puts the little one to bed. There’s nothing like fulfilling gender roles, my friends. And doing it in a dress? Even better.
Cut to the hotel room with the other b*tches. They sit around, super annoyed, that Melissa has this chance to meet Ty. Too bad Jason isn’t ready to introduce anyone to the little bugger, so their fears are not realized. But he does allow Melissa to sneak a peak at the sleeping beauty.
After they spy on the sleeping child, Jason and Melissa talk and make out. Melissa is annoying, and they have no future. Done. No, but really, I mean, it’s not there. Girlfriend doesn’t know what she’s getting into, and although she played it off like she was fine lounging around, girlfriend wanted to go out and take her top off on the dance floor. Instead, she was relegated to a night in a floating house playing kissy on the couch.
The second date found Stephanie, Jillian and Molly on a boat with a view of the city. Stephanie is the first to get a little Jason time, and she steers the boat while they talk, once again, about their kids. They have ZERO chemistry, folks. Jason feels like he has to like her because she’s nice and has a daughter and a sad story, but let’s get real. It’s like they’re friends in a singles soccer mom/dad support group, not lovers. And does he really want to spend the rest of his life with those cheek bones? No.
After the boat ride, they go to a radio show, where Jason is interviewed about his experience. He confesses that the best kisser is Molly, and is then forced to have a kissing contest. He is blindfolded with a pink boa, and each of the girls kisses him, one by one. Jason scores a perfect 100% because he’s slutty like that. Sidenote: who barfed when Stephanie kissed both his hands before laying one on him? I did. And who barfed even more when she described her bedroom behavior and how she likes to kiss every square inch of a man’s body and “love on him”? Vomit.
After this, Jason chats with Jillian and tries to get answers to see if she’s ready for this. “Yes,” she says, in her cute Canadian inflection.
The last date finally finds Naomi on her first one-on-one date with Jason. They fly in a sea plane and go rock climbing. On the top of the man-made cliff they have what Jason calls an “extreme kiss.” Dumb. Another zinger of a quote soon follows when Naomi confesses that she “climbed a wall and her walls came down” while she talks about opening up to Jason. Double dumb. After the climb, they share some fondue and share an un-romantic night. Her face is busted and I’m over her.
Meanwhile, back at the manse, the girls are in the hotel bathroom together (??) taking a bath in their bathing suits (????) and talking about they guy they’re all dating because that’s a totally normal thing to do.
Before the “Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever” (Groundhog’s Day, anyone??), Jason once again pulls Jillian aside to make sure she’s not going to break his heart. Clearly he likes her (with her “oooouuuwt” and “abooouuuwts” and all).
At the actual rose ceremony, Jason also pulls Naomi aside before he hands out the roses, just to heighten the tension a bit. She insists she’s ready (she’s not) and it’s fake and annoying. She also resembles an egg timer in her disastrous outfit, but we’ll address that later…
So Jason chooses:
1) Jillian
2) Melissa
3) Molly
4) Naomi
And, in no big surprise, he sends Stephanie home after telling her she’s the “most amazing person he’s ever met.” Like we didn’t see that coming 82 miles away.
Wait, who caught the awkward almost-man-hug between Chris and Jason after his tearful speech to Stephanie? It was brilliant and mute-worthy.
Awards:
1) Dress disaster: Stephanie’s tablecloth turned ball gown.
2) Overall trainwreck of a look: Naomi’s outfit/tattoo at the rose ceremony. She paired a heinous top with her stewardess skirt and called it a day…but not without exposing her shoulder tat to the world. Awesome. Oh, and fix your underbite.
3) Quote: “Some things are just meant to be.”—Stephanie. Sorry sweetheart. Your cheek bones and taut face are simply not meant to be. You paid for that mess.
Until next week,
Mike
Apparently missing two episodes is an amazing strategy, because we’re already down to five divas vying for this single dad’s love: Melissa, Jillian, Stephanie, Naomi and Molly. Before I even begin, let me just predict that it’s going to come down to the two cutest and most normal chicks in the running: Jillian and Molly. Duh. Jillian brings the Canadian heat, and I love her. And Molly…well…I simply HAVE to love her because she’s from my hometown and her mom may or may not have worked at my father’s place of employment for years. Not to mention, she’s cute and fun and spunky in the Grand Rapids, MI sort of way.
This episode, the girls are transported to the mythical land of Seattle, where they are forced to face the truth: can you handle 11.5 months of rain each year, or are you too weak? Do you really want to marry a short guy with an annoying son, or are you gonna bail when things get tough? Interesting question, Mike. And one that is quickly answered on the first one-on-one date with Melissa.
This date promises to be magical. Melissa gets all dressed up in a “pretty” dress for a night on the town with Jason. What could be better than the space needle on a cloudy and rainy night? Why, it’s obvious isn’t it? A night at home with Jason because his kid is too needy to let Daddy take Melissa on the previously-mentioned date! As Jason prepares for his big night out, little Ty gets whiny and the spineless father obliges his child’s needs by staying in. He gives Mel a ring, and she is forced to abandon all hopes for romance, and, instead, heads to Jason’s house on the water for a night in. She arrives in her dress and cleans the house (as every woman should) while Jason puts the little one to bed. There’s nothing like fulfilling gender roles, my friends. And doing it in a dress? Even better.
Cut to the hotel room with the other b*tches. They sit around, super annoyed, that Melissa has this chance to meet Ty. Too bad Jason isn’t ready to introduce anyone to the little bugger, so their fears are not realized. But he does allow Melissa to sneak a peak at the sleeping beauty.
After they spy on the sleeping child, Jason and Melissa talk and make out. Melissa is annoying, and they have no future. Done. No, but really, I mean, it’s not there. Girlfriend doesn’t know what she’s getting into, and although she played it off like she was fine lounging around, girlfriend wanted to go out and take her top off on the dance floor. Instead, she was relegated to a night in a floating house playing kissy on the couch.
The second date found Stephanie, Jillian and Molly on a boat with a view of the city. Stephanie is the first to get a little Jason time, and she steers the boat while they talk, once again, about their kids. They have ZERO chemistry, folks. Jason feels like he has to like her because she’s nice and has a daughter and a sad story, but let’s get real. It’s like they’re friends in a singles soccer mom/dad support group, not lovers. And does he really want to spend the rest of his life with those cheek bones? No.
After the boat ride, they go to a radio show, where Jason is interviewed about his experience. He confesses that the best kisser is Molly, and is then forced to have a kissing contest. He is blindfolded with a pink boa, and each of the girls kisses him, one by one. Jason scores a perfect 100% because he’s slutty like that. Sidenote: who barfed when Stephanie kissed both his hands before laying one on him? I did. And who barfed even more when she described her bedroom behavior and how she likes to kiss every square inch of a man’s body and “love on him”? Vomit.
After this, Jason chats with Jillian and tries to get answers to see if she’s ready for this. “Yes,” she says, in her cute Canadian inflection.
The last date finally finds Naomi on her first one-on-one date with Jason. They fly in a sea plane and go rock climbing. On the top of the man-made cliff they have what Jason calls an “extreme kiss.” Dumb. Another zinger of a quote soon follows when Naomi confesses that she “climbed a wall and her walls came down” while she talks about opening up to Jason. Double dumb. After the climb, they share some fondue and share an un-romantic night. Her face is busted and I’m over her.
Meanwhile, back at the manse, the girls are in the hotel bathroom together (??) taking a bath in their bathing suits (????) and talking about they guy they’re all dating because that’s a totally normal thing to do.
Before the “Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever” (Groundhog’s Day, anyone??), Jason once again pulls Jillian aside to make sure she’s not going to break his heart. Clearly he likes her (with her “oooouuuwt” and “abooouuuwts” and all).
At the actual rose ceremony, Jason also pulls Naomi aside before he hands out the roses, just to heighten the tension a bit. She insists she’s ready (she’s not) and it’s fake and annoying. She also resembles an egg timer in her disastrous outfit, but we’ll address that later…
So Jason chooses:
1) Jillian
2) Melissa
3) Molly
4) Naomi
And, in no big surprise, he sends Stephanie home after telling her she’s the “most amazing person he’s ever met.” Like we didn’t see that coming 82 miles away.
Wait, who caught the awkward almost-man-hug between Chris and Jason after his tearful speech to Stephanie? It was brilliant and mute-worthy.
Awards:
1) Dress disaster: Stephanie’s tablecloth turned ball gown.
2) Overall trainwreck of a look: Naomi’s outfit/tattoo at the rose ceremony. She paired a heinous top with her stewardess skirt and called it a day…but not without exposing her shoulder tat to the world. Awesome. Oh, and fix your underbite.
3) Quote: “Some things are just meant to be.”—Stephanie. Sorry sweetheart. Your cheek bones and taut face are simply not meant to be. You paid for that mess.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Top off dance off
Seriously? Two hours? 120 excruciating minutes of this mess? Please tell me we’re scaling back to 60 minutes of this nonsense going forward. Otherwise this famous blogger may be checking out quicker than Jason’s shirt comes off on each and every date.
Last night’s episode begins with Jason bidding his kid adieu. He roped us in to believing he was actually a good father during the first episode…or did he just convince me that little Ty was there for the duration? Regardless, Ty is shipped back home to his bad mother so Jason can concentrate on taking his shirt off and making out with upwards of two to five women daily until the show ends. It’s all about priorities, people.
Speaking of priorities, Jason clearly devoted a lot of attention to doubling the size of his biceps since DeAnna dumped him. ABC saw his biceps, and now films him as though he’s an Adonis. Let us not forget, this guy is probably 5’6’’. But we still get to sit through a full two minutes of air time as he strips off his shirt at the pool with the girls. The scene was even underscored with sexy music. All too much.
After an afternoon of poolside foreplay, Jason has his first date: a one-on-one encounter with Jillian the Canadian at the Disney Center in LA. Robin Thicke, the spawn of the Growing Pains dad, serenades the lovers. They dance, it’s cute, whatever. She gets a rose. She also has a killer accent (“sauerkraut,” “out,” “about,” it’s all amazing).
The second one-on-one date is between Melissa and Jason. I tuned out. She gets a rose.
The last date is a repeat of every other date on every other season where the girls fulfill stereotypical girl-like roles and get to fawn over fashion. They get new outfits that inevitably come off as they all get in a hot tub later in the evening. What an amazing date idea! Totally original. Molly, from Grand Rapids, MI (hometown love, what, what?!?!) gets the rose on this date, because she’s from Grand Rapids and everyone from there is amazing. Raquel, the Brazilian temptress proves she’s crazy, and the date is done.
Before the final roses are handed out, though, we need some drama. Megan and Erica deliver. Megan, busty and brunette, overhears Erica talking smack behind her back. Erica, who should lay off the booze and hit the gym, denies her sh*t-talking tendencies. It really was a special TV moment.
Stephanie, the 34-year-old plastic baby mama lays on the real drama, though, when she tells us about the passing of her husband. It was sad, actually…so I won’t be mean. Except I just can’t get over her over-worked face. No need for so much Botox by age 34.
After Chris wastes 15 minutes of time discussing the pros and cons of each remaining woman, we finally have the rose ceremony. The following are left standing:
Jillian
Melissa
Molly
Megan
Nikki
Lauren
Naomi
Stephanie
Kari
Natalie
Shannon
Erica
Adios to: Lisa, Raquel, Sharon. Let’s be honest, no one is going to propose to a Brazilian chick. Who needs Green Card drama these days? Let’s keep the love local.
Awards:
Worst show ever: this one.
Until next week (just kidding, I’ll be in the air while it airs and I don’t believe in DVR),
Mike
Last night’s episode begins with Jason bidding his kid adieu. He roped us in to believing he was actually a good father during the first episode…or did he just convince me that little Ty was there for the duration? Regardless, Ty is shipped back home to his bad mother so Jason can concentrate on taking his shirt off and making out with upwards of two to five women daily until the show ends. It’s all about priorities, people.
Speaking of priorities, Jason clearly devoted a lot of attention to doubling the size of his biceps since DeAnna dumped him. ABC saw his biceps, and now films him as though he’s an Adonis. Let us not forget, this guy is probably 5’6’’. But we still get to sit through a full two minutes of air time as he strips off his shirt at the pool with the girls. The scene was even underscored with sexy music. All too much.
After an afternoon of poolside foreplay, Jason has his first date: a one-on-one encounter with Jillian the Canadian at the Disney Center in LA. Robin Thicke, the spawn of the Growing Pains dad, serenades the lovers. They dance, it’s cute, whatever. She gets a rose. She also has a killer accent (“sauerkraut,” “out,” “about,” it’s all amazing).
The second one-on-one date is between Melissa and Jason. I tuned out. She gets a rose.
The last date is a repeat of every other date on every other season where the girls fulfill stereotypical girl-like roles and get to fawn over fashion. They get new outfits that inevitably come off as they all get in a hot tub later in the evening. What an amazing date idea! Totally original. Molly, from Grand Rapids, MI (hometown love, what, what?!?!) gets the rose on this date, because she’s from Grand Rapids and everyone from there is amazing. Raquel, the Brazilian temptress proves she’s crazy, and the date is done.
Before the final roses are handed out, though, we need some drama. Megan and Erica deliver. Megan, busty and brunette, overhears Erica talking smack behind her back. Erica, who should lay off the booze and hit the gym, denies her sh*t-talking tendencies. It really was a special TV moment.
Stephanie, the 34-year-old plastic baby mama lays on the real drama, though, when she tells us about the passing of her husband. It was sad, actually…so I won’t be mean. Except I just can’t get over her over-worked face. No need for so much Botox by age 34.
After Chris wastes 15 minutes of time discussing the pros and cons of each remaining woman, we finally have the rose ceremony. The following are left standing:
Jillian
Melissa
Molly
Megan
Nikki
Lauren
Naomi
Stephanie
Kari
Natalie
Shannon
Erica
Adios to: Lisa, Raquel, Sharon. Let’s be honest, no one is going to propose to a Brazilian chick. Who needs Green Card drama these days? Let’s keep the love local.
Awards:
Worst show ever: this one.
Until next week (just kidding, I’ll be in the air while it airs and I don’t believe in DVR),
Mike
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Lucky Number 13?
Lovers, Friends, Foes,
It's the 13th season of this holy mess, and I'm just SURE that it will be a success! I'm also sure that hell will freeze over, pigs will fly, and I will someday be happily married to a woman.
A disclaimer to begin: in case you have forgotten, I am famous. Fame leads to many distractions. My schedule is packed, I am constantly pulled in 82 directions, and I cannot always fully commit to two full hours of horrible, vomit-inducing television...especially when it's the 13th go-around of the same trainwreck we've come to know and "love." So forgive me for not being as avid a note-taker during this episode. I was otherwise engaged and my attention was being vied for by a ridiculously good-looking man, and a woman with a great rack. What was a boy to do? Ignore them for silly TV? The answer is, quite simply, duh. Let's get this effing mess started.
The show begins with the much-expected montage of poor Jason's life to date. He loved, he lost, he loved again, he lost again, he has a kid who got conspicuously less cute in six months, and he goes to the gym shirtless with cameras following him. That's pretty much his bio in one poorly-written sentence. Oh, that and he's a raging gooby loser who makes me turn from the television in horror multiple times an episode. Before I continue, how tall do we really think Jason is? 5'6''? He's pint-sized and over-tanned. Still boneable, yes, but mini all the same.
Then, the bitches descend upon our newly-ready-to-love Jason and the fun begins. Requisite crazies arrive pontificating on hot dogs and their relation to husband material, vision boards and MySpace stalking, but would we expect any less? No...these ABC producers have this formula down to a science, and it reels us in season after season times 13.
Naturally, there is a new "twist" this season. The hoes get to vote on a fellow ho to send home by submitting their votes in a secret ballot box. The BBI (Ballot Box Initiative) was a raging success. Megan was voted "off" by her counterparts, but got a rose anyway for her troubles! The two runners-up were also notified of their status, which is brilliant. It's like an animosity-intensifier, and I love it! Much-hated Megan gets to live with the bitches that voted her off, and the ill will will fester throughout the season. Kudos ABC, kudos.
We get to know the girls a bit as they throw themselves at Jason. My least favorite, Renee, basically gives a stump speech for "The Secret" as she explains the energy in the universe and her vision boards on which she envisions her life with Jason. Barf. She also can't seem to stand up straight. Get some confidence woman. There are single moms as well, which was a big fat yawn and so expected.
At the end, there were 15 lovely ladies still standing.
Lauren
Kari
Naomi
Natalie - Sorry about your bad dye job.
Molly
Jillian
Stephanie - Is she 50? How much work has she had done? Brilliant.
Melissa
Shannon
Nikki - a.k.a. Tits McGee
Lisa
Sharon - Next time you might want to do your hair for national television.
Erica
Megan
Raquel
Clearly, Obamamania did not make it to the Bachelor. Where's the black one? And why are there so few blondes?
Tonight's awards:
1) Visionary Award: Renee. Best of luck with your vision boards. Try to envision a life with good posture and a little less crazy.
2) Reality Award: Jason. Because everyone in Seattle works out at the gym shirtless.
3) Over it Award: Me. This show is dumb.
Until next week,
Mike
It's the 13th season of this holy mess, and I'm just SURE that it will be a success! I'm also sure that hell will freeze over, pigs will fly, and I will someday be happily married to a woman.
A disclaimer to begin: in case you have forgotten, I am famous. Fame leads to many distractions. My schedule is packed, I am constantly pulled in 82 directions, and I cannot always fully commit to two full hours of horrible, vomit-inducing television...especially when it's the 13th go-around of the same trainwreck we've come to know and "love." So forgive me for not being as avid a note-taker during this episode. I was otherwise engaged and my attention was being vied for by a ridiculously good-looking man, and a woman with a great rack. What was a boy to do? Ignore them for silly TV? The answer is, quite simply, duh. Let's get this effing mess started.
The show begins with the much-expected montage of poor Jason's life to date. He loved, he lost, he loved again, he lost again, he has a kid who got conspicuously less cute in six months, and he goes to the gym shirtless with cameras following him. That's pretty much his bio in one poorly-written sentence. Oh, that and he's a raging gooby loser who makes me turn from the television in horror multiple times an episode. Before I continue, how tall do we really think Jason is? 5'6''? He's pint-sized and over-tanned. Still boneable, yes, but mini all the same.
Then, the bitches descend upon our newly-ready-to-love Jason and the fun begins. Requisite crazies arrive pontificating on hot dogs and their relation to husband material, vision boards and MySpace stalking, but would we expect any less? No...these ABC producers have this formula down to a science, and it reels us in season after season times 13.
Naturally, there is a new "twist" this season. The hoes get to vote on a fellow ho to send home by submitting their votes in a secret ballot box. The BBI (Ballot Box Initiative) was a raging success. Megan was voted "off" by her counterparts, but got a rose anyway for her troubles! The two runners-up were also notified of their status, which is brilliant. It's like an animosity-intensifier, and I love it! Much-hated Megan gets to live with the bitches that voted her off, and the ill will will fester throughout the season. Kudos ABC, kudos.
We get to know the girls a bit as they throw themselves at Jason. My least favorite, Renee, basically gives a stump speech for "The Secret" as she explains the energy in the universe and her vision boards on which she envisions her life with Jason. Barf. She also can't seem to stand up straight. Get some confidence woman. There are single moms as well, which was a big fat yawn and so expected.
At the end, there were 15 lovely ladies still standing.
Lauren
Kari
Naomi
Natalie - Sorry about your bad dye job.
Molly
Jillian
Stephanie - Is she 50? How much work has she had done? Brilliant.
Melissa
Shannon
Nikki - a.k.a. Tits McGee
Lisa
Sharon - Next time you might want to do your hair for national television.
Erica
Megan
Raquel
Clearly, Obamamania did not make it to the Bachelor. Where's the black one? And why are there so few blondes?
Tonight's awards:
1) Visionary Award: Renee. Best of luck with your vision boards. Try to envision a life with good posture and a little less crazy.
2) Reality Award: Jason. Because everyone in Seattle works out at the gym shirtless.
3) Over it Award: Me. This show is dumb.
Until next week,
Mike
Monday, November 03, 2008
Another one bites the dust
http://www.usmagazine.com/news/bachelorette-winner-deanna-papas-calls-off-engagement
DeAnna and Jesse? DONE.
I believe the win-loss record now officially stands at 1-82.
DeAnna and Jesse? DONE.
I believe the win-loss record now officially stands at 1-82.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Jason is back!
My prediction comes true.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/eonline/20080820/en_tv_eo/24922
Our spurned Jason will be back in January 09...he's the new bachelor!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/eonline/20080820/en_tv_eo/24922
Our spurned Jason will be back in January 09...he's the new bachelor!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Vomit
http://www.deannaandjesse.com/
Are you kidding? They launched their own website to chronicle their lives. Barf.
Are you kidding? They launched their own website to chronicle their lives. Barf.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
The Finale
It’s do or die time in Bachelorette-land as DeAnna is down to the final two. Which “J” will she choose? Mr. Perfect or Mr. Could Maybe One Day Be Perfect But He’s Still a Child? Only time will tell. And time we had…good lord ABC devoted it’s entire primetime 8-11 p.m. programming slot to this mess. Luckily I stayed awake for all of it, and I’m here to report on the results of this season’s destined-to-fail love connection (I awoke yesterday at 3:20 a.m. EST in order to catch my private jet back to Manhattan after a fun-and-sun-filled weekend at my family’s private estate on the blue waters of Michigan). Reminder: I’m famous.
The marathon episode began in the outskirts of Atlanta with the remaining boys visiting DeAnna and her family in their hometown of Newnan (since when is a town 50 miles outside of Atlanta actually “Atlanta”?? According to Google Maps, it’s closer to the damn Alabama border than it is to Atlanta!). Jason is first to arrive to DeAnna’s “lovely” little home where he showers them with flowers, gifts, and his requisite charm and adorableness. He’s definitely a bit overzealous in his efforts to convince them that he’s for real, but we love him anyway. Who could resist that face? That body? That stubble? Clearly I cannot, and I’m arranging a meet-and-greet for the two of us in the very near future, thankyouverymuch. Jason asks Mr. Pappas for his daughter’s hand in marriage, like any good boy should, and Daddy is flattered and enamored with Jason. They all are. Well, except for her brother, who doesn’t seem so good with the words. His “I liked him” wasn’t very convincing. But on to the next man.
Jesse, nervous and jittery, arrives next. The family really puts it to him with the hard questions. So you’re a snowboarder? Great. How will you provide for DeAnna? What are your plans? How much money do you really make? ABC didn’t really show us much, though, between Jesse and the Pappas family. We’re left to wonder how the meeting really went. Great editing, ABC.
After the first dates, Daddy Pappas is convinced Jason is more heartfelt and he wonders if Jesse is in the same place as DeAnna.
Next, the two boys get to meet the Big Fat Extended Greek Family at Dad’s house. Jesse arrives first, only to be immediately interrupted by Jason’s arrival. Wait…amazing. The two guys have to spend the day with the entire family and DeAnna together! Totally loving the awkwardness of it all. Jason charms them all with his above-mentioned qualities, and Jesse “nugs” (fist punches, like snowboarders do) the family. He teaches Grandma and Grandpa (Zsa Zsa and Zu Zu??) how to nug, and it’s a bit odd. Jesse finds some time to ask Mr. Pappas for DeAnna’s hand in marriage (you know the directors put him up to it!), and he obliges. Then everyone does shots of Ouzo and the boys go home.
The family reiterates their feelings: is Jesse ready? But, sister-in-law brings up a good point as well: is Jason too settled? Will DeAnna “fast-forward” her life if she chooses Jason? Only time will tell. And we had a whole hour left to find out.
Back in the Bahamas, DeAnna prepares herself to meet with the scorned Jeremy, who is an emotional basketcase. He comes back looking for answers, trying to explain himself, and, well, gets nowhere. DeAnna breaks down and tells him that he’s everything she was looking for (not fair), but she’s in love with other people. Then she sends him packing. Goodbye Jeremy, forever. Call me.
DeAnna soon gets back to reality (if by “reality” you mean a fake life planned and styled by ABC designed to feign romance and love in what will inevitably be a failed relationship) and has her final dates with the two suitors. Jesse is first this time, and the two fly on a seaplane to a deserted island where they frolick and make out in the ocean, an activity I would like to hereafter coin as “sea-boning.” After the sea-boning, the lovers go back for their last romantic night together during which Jesse gives her a cute book of thoughts and tells her he loves her. Really? I’m not convinced. If he had to choose between his rad snowboard and DeAnna, I’m thinking he’d go with the board.
Jason is up next, and he excitedly accompanies her on a scuba diving trip. DeAnna tells him they’ll be scuba diving with sharks, and Jason responds to the camera with what was my favorite quote of the night: “Sharks and people aren’t supposed to hang out together.” Regardless, Jason enthusiastically dives with DeAnna and shows his adventurous side—something DeAnna needed to see in order to convince them that he really is the one. He did, and he is. We love Jason. DeAnna definitely seems more comfortable with him on their date. At night, Jason gives her a homemade board game of their relationship. It’s really cute. I would die if someone did that for me (future husband, are you listening?). He tells her he loves her, they make out, they say goodbye.
Okay, disclaimer. I am now officially in love with Jason. Like 100% want him right now. Readers, seriously. Set me up with him or his clone. He is my type to a “T.” Except for the straight, formerly-married, single father part…but whatever.
Next we get the morning-of-the-rose-ceremony montage of the three waking up, contemplating their futures (men are shirtless of course), strolling on the beach while deep in thought, et cetera. Blah blah blah.
The guys then pick out rings. Jason confidently chooses one (which I thought was ugly, sadly). Jesse, however, freaks out and nearly keels over and barfs prior to choosing a ring. Is it love? Ehh…I err on the side of fear. But whatever. The men each cry before the rose ceremony because they’re so in love, and then it’s time.
DeAnna arrives looking pretty cute, if I must say. My favorite was her arrival and stroll to the rose altar (it’s an altar of sorts, right?) while being whipped by the wind. ABC conveniently edited her lower portion out during the walk, as you could see far too much of her business for comfort!
Jason, looking cute in a navy suit with blue shirt and orange (Georgia peach) tie, arrives first. His package looks fantastic as he walks to meet DeAnna, and the lovers embrace. Jason gets down on one knee so he can espouse his love for DeAnna, but is promptly cut off by a “No, I can’t.” DeAnna doesn’t let him get far at all (besides letting him get down on one knee!!), and cuts him out of her life with three words. I’m crushed!! (I mean, he’s available for me now, but whatever). So sad! It’s awful. He reacts stoically and doesn’t shed a tear in front of her. Our hearts are breaking along with his because he’s just so genuine and cute (and his rockin’ hot bod doesn’t hurt either). Clearly we know who the next Bachelor is going to be!
Jesse arrives next and practically runs to DeAnna. Wait…have I ever commented on how short he is? He’s shorter than our beloved Chris Harrison, and possibly shorter than DeAnna. Seriously? What is he, 4’9’’? Regardless, he proposes by saying, “will you spend forever with me?” (cute, I must admit). And DeAnna accepts. They embrace, it seems forced, and it’s over. Best of luck.
I’m totally not convinced. Especially after seeing how gooby and gross they were on the After the Final Rose special. The audience clearly favors cute Jason, and so do I. Oh well…apparently DeAnna and Jesse are getting married on May 9, 2008. I’ll offer to sing at the ceremony, but I’m doubting they make it that long.
But again, best of luck. I wonder if DeAnna will move to Breckenridge and become a professional snowboard waxer…
Until next season,
Mike
The marathon episode began in the outskirts of Atlanta with the remaining boys visiting DeAnna and her family in their hometown of Newnan (since when is a town 50 miles outside of Atlanta actually “Atlanta”?? According to Google Maps, it’s closer to the damn Alabama border than it is to Atlanta!). Jason is first to arrive to DeAnna’s “lovely” little home where he showers them with flowers, gifts, and his requisite charm and adorableness. He’s definitely a bit overzealous in his efforts to convince them that he’s for real, but we love him anyway. Who could resist that face? That body? That stubble? Clearly I cannot, and I’m arranging a meet-and-greet for the two of us in the very near future, thankyouverymuch. Jason asks Mr. Pappas for his daughter’s hand in marriage, like any good boy should, and Daddy is flattered and enamored with Jason. They all are. Well, except for her brother, who doesn’t seem so good with the words. His “I liked him” wasn’t very convincing. But on to the next man.
Jesse, nervous and jittery, arrives next. The family really puts it to him with the hard questions. So you’re a snowboarder? Great. How will you provide for DeAnna? What are your plans? How much money do you really make? ABC didn’t really show us much, though, between Jesse and the Pappas family. We’re left to wonder how the meeting really went. Great editing, ABC.
After the first dates, Daddy Pappas is convinced Jason is more heartfelt and he wonders if Jesse is in the same place as DeAnna.
Next, the two boys get to meet the Big Fat Extended Greek Family at Dad’s house. Jesse arrives first, only to be immediately interrupted by Jason’s arrival. Wait…amazing. The two guys have to spend the day with the entire family and DeAnna together! Totally loving the awkwardness of it all. Jason charms them all with his above-mentioned qualities, and Jesse “nugs” (fist punches, like snowboarders do) the family. He teaches Grandma and Grandpa (Zsa Zsa and Zu Zu??) how to nug, and it’s a bit odd. Jesse finds some time to ask Mr. Pappas for DeAnna’s hand in marriage (you know the directors put him up to it!), and he obliges. Then everyone does shots of Ouzo and the boys go home.
The family reiterates their feelings: is Jesse ready? But, sister-in-law brings up a good point as well: is Jason too settled? Will DeAnna “fast-forward” her life if she chooses Jason? Only time will tell. And we had a whole hour left to find out.
Back in the Bahamas, DeAnna prepares herself to meet with the scorned Jeremy, who is an emotional basketcase. He comes back looking for answers, trying to explain himself, and, well, gets nowhere. DeAnna breaks down and tells him that he’s everything she was looking for (not fair), but she’s in love with other people. Then she sends him packing. Goodbye Jeremy, forever. Call me.
DeAnna soon gets back to reality (if by “reality” you mean a fake life planned and styled by ABC designed to feign romance and love in what will inevitably be a failed relationship) and has her final dates with the two suitors. Jesse is first this time, and the two fly on a seaplane to a deserted island where they frolick and make out in the ocean, an activity I would like to hereafter coin as “sea-boning.” After the sea-boning, the lovers go back for their last romantic night together during which Jesse gives her a cute book of thoughts and tells her he loves her. Really? I’m not convinced. If he had to choose between his rad snowboard and DeAnna, I’m thinking he’d go with the board.
Jason is up next, and he excitedly accompanies her on a scuba diving trip. DeAnna tells him they’ll be scuba diving with sharks, and Jason responds to the camera with what was my favorite quote of the night: “Sharks and people aren’t supposed to hang out together.” Regardless, Jason enthusiastically dives with DeAnna and shows his adventurous side—something DeAnna needed to see in order to convince them that he really is the one. He did, and he is. We love Jason. DeAnna definitely seems more comfortable with him on their date. At night, Jason gives her a homemade board game of their relationship. It’s really cute. I would die if someone did that for me (future husband, are you listening?). He tells her he loves her, they make out, they say goodbye.
Okay, disclaimer. I am now officially in love with Jason. Like 100% want him right now. Readers, seriously. Set me up with him or his clone. He is my type to a “T.” Except for the straight, formerly-married, single father part…but whatever.
Next we get the morning-of-the-rose-ceremony montage of the three waking up, contemplating their futures (men are shirtless of course), strolling on the beach while deep in thought, et cetera. Blah blah blah.
The guys then pick out rings. Jason confidently chooses one (which I thought was ugly, sadly). Jesse, however, freaks out and nearly keels over and barfs prior to choosing a ring. Is it love? Ehh…I err on the side of fear. But whatever. The men each cry before the rose ceremony because they’re so in love, and then it’s time.
DeAnna arrives looking pretty cute, if I must say. My favorite was her arrival and stroll to the rose altar (it’s an altar of sorts, right?) while being whipped by the wind. ABC conveniently edited her lower portion out during the walk, as you could see far too much of her business for comfort!
Jason, looking cute in a navy suit with blue shirt and orange (Georgia peach) tie, arrives first. His package looks fantastic as he walks to meet DeAnna, and the lovers embrace. Jason gets down on one knee so he can espouse his love for DeAnna, but is promptly cut off by a “No, I can’t.” DeAnna doesn’t let him get far at all (besides letting him get down on one knee!!), and cuts him out of her life with three words. I’m crushed!! (I mean, he’s available for me now, but whatever). So sad! It’s awful. He reacts stoically and doesn’t shed a tear in front of her. Our hearts are breaking along with his because he’s just so genuine and cute (and his rockin’ hot bod doesn’t hurt either). Clearly we know who the next Bachelor is going to be!
Jesse arrives next and practically runs to DeAnna. Wait…have I ever commented on how short he is? He’s shorter than our beloved Chris Harrison, and possibly shorter than DeAnna. Seriously? What is he, 4’9’’? Regardless, he proposes by saying, “will you spend forever with me?” (cute, I must admit). And DeAnna accepts. They embrace, it seems forced, and it’s over. Best of luck.
I’m totally not convinced. Especially after seeing how gooby and gross they were on the After the Final Rose special. The audience clearly favors cute Jason, and so do I. Oh well…apparently DeAnna and Jesse are getting married on May 9, 2008. I’ll offer to sing at the ceremony, but I’m doubting they make it that long.
But again, best of luck. I wonder if DeAnna will move to Breckenridge and become a professional snowboard waxer…
Until next season,
Mike
Monday, June 30, 2008
The surprises don't end
So it's getting near the end and we have some major decisions to make. Which one of the J's is going home? Will she bone all three in the Fantasy Suite? Whose wenis is the biggest? All of these imperative questions beg to be answered on this episode, so I should get to this mess now!
ABC continues to impress us with the travel budget during our current oil-driven recession by flying all the lovers to the Bahamas for the fantasy dates. The first fantasy lover, Jeremy, meets DeAnna on the beach and impresses her with his dullness. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's hot as hell, but boy ain't got nothing to say! The lovers ride the waves and have forced awkward conversations. It's really amazing and quite silent. I'm pretty much sure the boning in the Fanatasy Suite was the highlight of the day. I mean, that and Jeremy's hot bod.
Next, cute Jason meets DeAnna on the beach and the cuteness begins straight away. They smile, they laugh, they have easy conversation. It's amazing. They both can't stop smiling during the entire date. The lovers kayak through the water and make out along the way. Easy-breezy all day long. It's a marked difference from her date with Jeremy. I think she is finally realizing the he's a keeper, and this is coming from me, the one who predicted his mess was headed back to Seattle tonight. It took this date for DeAnna to realize that she could fall in love with someone other than Graham.
The last date found Jesse and DeAnna riding horses on the beach. I wouldn't so much recommend a woman ride a horse in a bikini top, but our DeAnna is an independent woman and girl does what she wants. Jesse has clearly established himself as the guy who does everything "right," and she loves it. At dinner, DeAnna impresses us all with a trainwreck of an outfit with a headwrap and a striped top. Yikes! He loses her at dinner with his talk of his plans for a career and children because we all know she just wants to know how he's gonna bring home the bacon in ways other than shredding the slopes. She offers him the Fanatasy Suite invite and he pulls a pump fake by saying he can't join her until he meets her dad. Just kidding! They totally bone.
DeAnna continues to impress us with her fashion choices at the rose ceremony. She wears a bright blue dress with a fabulous early 90's bow on the hip. It was truly a gem. And I barfed.
And then DeAnna chose Jesse and Jason and sent Jeremy home! I mean, I wasn't surprised but was stunned all at once. He is totally shocked and DeAnna cries expectedly. His goodbye ride is quite dramatic, and he even stops the car during the ride to get out to contemplate his bleak future. Amazingly directed, ABC! This good-on-paper guy just didn't impress our hard-hitting DeAnna, and we're proud of her for following her heart and not her Virginia.
And then we were treated to an extra hour of fun for this season's Douches Tell All episode! What did we learn? Jeremy has gained 10 pounds in his heartbreak, and is still in love with DeAnna. Speaking of DeAnna, girlfriend has gained 10 pounds herself. Oh, and she's engaged!!
Until next week,
Mike
ABC continues to impress us with the travel budget during our current oil-driven recession by flying all the lovers to the Bahamas for the fantasy dates. The first fantasy lover, Jeremy, meets DeAnna on the beach and impresses her with his dullness. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's hot as hell, but boy ain't got nothing to say! The lovers ride the waves and have forced awkward conversations. It's really amazing and quite silent. I'm pretty much sure the boning in the Fanatasy Suite was the highlight of the day. I mean, that and Jeremy's hot bod.
Next, cute Jason meets DeAnna on the beach and the cuteness begins straight away. They smile, they laugh, they have easy conversation. It's amazing. They both can't stop smiling during the entire date. The lovers kayak through the water and make out along the way. Easy-breezy all day long. It's a marked difference from her date with Jeremy. I think she is finally realizing the he's a keeper, and this is coming from me, the one who predicted his mess was headed back to Seattle tonight. It took this date for DeAnna to realize that she could fall in love with someone other than Graham.
The last date found Jesse and DeAnna riding horses on the beach. I wouldn't so much recommend a woman ride a horse in a bikini top, but our DeAnna is an independent woman and girl does what she wants. Jesse has clearly established himself as the guy who does everything "right," and she loves it. At dinner, DeAnna impresses us all with a trainwreck of an outfit with a headwrap and a striped top. Yikes! He loses her at dinner with his talk of his plans for a career and children because we all know she just wants to know how he's gonna bring home the bacon in ways other than shredding the slopes. She offers him the Fanatasy Suite invite and he pulls a pump fake by saying he can't join her until he meets her dad. Just kidding! They totally bone.
DeAnna continues to impress us with her fashion choices at the rose ceremony. She wears a bright blue dress with a fabulous early 90's bow on the hip. It was truly a gem. And I barfed.
And then DeAnna chose Jesse and Jason and sent Jeremy home! I mean, I wasn't surprised but was stunned all at once. He is totally shocked and DeAnna cries expectedly. His goodbye ride is quite dramatic, and he even stops the car during the ride to get out to contemplate his bleak future. Amazingly directed, ABC! This good-on-paper guy just didn't impress our hard-hitting DeAnna, and we're proud of her for following her heart and not her Virginia.
And then we were treated to an extra hour of fun for this season's Douches Tell All episode! What did we learn? Jeremy has gained 10 pounds in his heartbreak, and is still in love with DeAnna. Speaking of DeAnna, girlfriend has gained 10 pounds herself. Oh, and she's engaged!!
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Most Dramatic Goodbye Ever. Like For Real.
Okay okay okay, I’m a big fat mess and I missed the first hour of the show last night. Why, you ask? I’m famous. Don’t make me remind you again. My cousin is also famous; thus, we tore up the town last prior to viewing the tail end of The Bachelorette. I would normally understand if you were upset that I missed half an episode, but clearly the last hour was where it was at last night—especially with the dismissal of…well…keep reading.
The two hometown dates that I missed were those with Jeremy and Jesse. Apparently they were fine. Jesse is a friend, Jeremy is in love with her, DeAnna doesn’t really care.
So the first hometown date I caught was in Seattle with Jason and son. Jason, freshly orange from 82 spray tans, spends the day with his son and DeAnna feeding ducks. Then they go to his family’s home and share a meal. Dad awkwardly calls her “honey” and “sweetheart” while I cringe. Was he hitting on her? Is this why Jason got divorced in the first place? After lunch, the family goes outside and plays leap frog. I’m sorry, what? Seriously? Apparently they were serious. What follows was an all-too-dramatic goodbye. Everyone cried, his son pretended he was sad, and tears were flowing everywhere. I couldn’t take it.
Next DeAnna travels to Raleigh to meet the love of her life, Graham. Graham, seemingly growing in his ability to be normal and open, is very cute with DeAnna as he meets her at his high school gymnasium to play a little game of b-ball. She is so obsessed with him, it’s insane. Clearly she would prefer nothing more than to strip him of all his clothes and go at it on the gym floor, but I’m thinking that wouldn’t be very sanitary. After a fun afternoon in high school, the lovebirds go to Graham’s parent’s house. His mom and dad are super cute, and everything finally seems hunky-dory. Graham is the one. It’s set.
And then DeAnna talks to Graham’s mom. She pretty much reinforces all DeAnna’s reservations about Graham.
Is he ready to commit? Eh…
Will he break my heart? Eh…
Has he ever had a relationship? Eh…
After time with the parents, DeAnna and Graham sit outside and Graham is back to his old self. Quiet, reserved, holding back. I love when something is on a typical dude’s mind, he immediately says everything is fine. Must. Not. Show. Emotion. This is clearly an amazing conversational tactic, and it certainly makes women fall in love with you. Amazing.
So back in LA, the rose ceremony begins. Will she ditch Jeremy because he’s more in love with her than DeAnna is with him? Will be dump Jesse because he’s just a friend (and because he’s wearing a white suit)? Will Jason be the one to go because of the kid? Only time will tell.
And then, she chooses:
1) Jesse
2) Jeremy
3) Jason
EXCUSE ME?!? SHE DUMPS THE LOVE OF HER LIFE?
Yes. Granted, his red sweater combo wasn’t too cute, but still. She reverts to the protectionist DeAnna we all know, and lets the boy that will inevitably break her heart go before he has the chance. I’m dying.
And then she walks Graham out. He struts in his too-cool-for-school way that only a jackass can pull off, but he’s visibly upset. DeAnna is too. I mean, she’s literally dumping the only guy she loves, and you know she’s second-guessing that mess. My opinion? She did this to prove a point to him, but it’s going to backfire in a major way (i.e. he’s leaving in the limo, you idiot!).
After a few heated words, DeAnna ultimately confesses to his face that she’s “letting go the one person I was falling in love with.”
Cut to two possibilities for the end of the season:
**Prediction #1: She doesn’t get engaged to anyone, and we have another failure of a season.
**Prediction #2: Graham somehow comes back and they end up together.
Cut back to the Graham goodbye.
He can’t take it, he looks away, he tears up. Too little too late, buddy. Graham then hands her a note full of thoughts he never told her. He hopes she’ll read it one day. Again…too little, too late. But how dramatic?!? I’m loving/hating this all at the same time. This was the worst goodbye ever. The only two people in love with each other just broke up, and I’m a little sad.
But then I googled “Graham Bunn” and found his website that was clearly created as a fame-boosting stunt as soon as the show began in May, and I’m over it. Grahambunn.com. You can buy clothing and see his attempts at being a model (he was in a Moen faucet print ad). Hilarious.
I’m over it. And I’m going to start dating him immediately.
Until next week,
Mike
The two hometown dates that I missed were those with Jeremy and Jesse. Apparently they were fine. Jesse is a friend, Jeremy is in love with her, DeAnna doesn’t really care.
So the first hometown date I caught was in Seattle with Jason and son. Jason, freshly orange from 82 spray tans, spends the day with his son and DeAnna feeding ducks. Then they go to his family’s home and share a meal. Dad awkwardly calls her “honey” and “sweetheart” while I cringe. Was he hitting on her? Is this why Jason got divorced in the first place? After lunch, the family goes outside and plays leap frog. I’m sorry, what? Seriously? Apparently they were serious. What follows was an all-too-dramatic goodbye. Everyone cried, his son pretended he was sad, and tears were flowing everywhere. I couldn’t take it.
Next DeAnna travels to Raleigh to meet the love of her life, Graham. Graham, seemingly growing in his ability to be normal and open, is very cute with DeAnna as he meets her at his high school gymnasium to play a little game of b-ball. She is so obsessed with him, it’s insane. Clearly she would prefer nothing more than to strip him of all his clothes and go at it on the gym floor, but I’m thinking that wouldn’t be very sanitary. After a fun afternoon in high school, the lovebirds go to Graham’s parent’s house. His mom and dad are super cute, and everything finally seems hunky-dory. Graham is the one. It’s set.
And then DeAnna talks to Graham’s mom. She pretty much reinforces all DeAnna’s reservations about Graham.
Is he ready to commit? Eh…
Will he break my heart? Eh…
Has he ever had a relationship? Eh…
After time with the parents, DeAnna and Graham sit outside and Graham is back to his old self. Quiet, reserved, holding back. I love when something is on a typical dude’s mind, he immediately says everything is fine. Must. Not. Show. Emotion. This is clearly an amazing conversational tactic, and it certainly makes women fall in love with you. Amazing.
So back in LA, the rose ceremony begins. Will she ditch Jeremy because he’s more in love with her than DeAnna is with him? Will be dump Jesse because he’s just a friend (and because he’s wearing a white suit)? Will Jason be the one to go because of the kid? Only time will tell.
And then, she chooses:
1) Jesse
2) Jeremy
3) Jason
EXCUSE ME?!? SHE DUMPS THE LOVE OF HER LIFE?
Yes. Granted, his red sweater combo wasn’t too cute, but still. She reverts to the protectionist DeAnna we all know, and lets the boy that will inevitably break her heart go before he has the chance. I’m dying.
And then she walks Graham out. He struts in his too-cool-for-school way that only a jackass can pull off, but he’s visibly upset. DeAnna is too. I mean, she’s literally dumping the only guy she loves, and you know she’s second-guessing that mess. My opinion? She did this to prove a point to him, but it’s going to backfire in a major way (i.e. he’s leaving in the limo, you idiot!).
After a few heated words, DeAnna ultimately confesses to his face that she’s “letting go the one person I was falling in love with.”
Cut to two possibilities for the end of the season:
**Prediction #1: She doesn’t get engaged to anyone, and we have another failure of a season.
**Prediction #2: Graham somehow comes back and they end up together.
Cut back to the Graham goodbye.
He can’t take it, he looks away, he tears up. Too little too late, buddy. Graham then hands her a note full of thoughts he never told her. He hopes she’ll read it one day. Again…too little, too late. But how dramatic?!? I’m loving/hating this all at the same time. This was the worst goodbye ever. The only two people in love with each other just broke up, and I’m a little sad.
But then I googled “Graham Bunn” and found his website that was clearly created as a fame-boosting stunt as soon as the show began in May, and I’m over it. Grahambunn.com. You can buy clothing and see his attempts at being a model (he was in a Moen faucet print ad). Hilarious.
I’m over it. And I’m going to start dating him immediately.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Welcome to the Ab Show
This week's episode finally gave us some much-needed ab time. Lots of hot bods and shirtless scenes were exactly what I needed to heat up my already-steamy apartment (it was 97 in NY yesterday). This episode has three dates: a one-on-one, a two-on-one, and a group date.
In order to win the one-on-one, the boys must write and perform an original song for DeAnna, which, clearly, is embarrassing for all. Ultimately, Jesse wins.
On his one-on-one date, DeAnna surprises him with a private serenade in an empty theatre. Jesse wears formal attire, and looks pretty damn good. Natasha Beddingfield soon joins the happy couple as she sings to them while they dance. He's totally into her, she's semi-into him.
The group date finds Brian, Twilley, Sean, Graham, Jason and Jeremy together at the race track where they race for DeAnna's heart by racing stock cars. I love how this is the guy's version of the fashion show on the bachelor. The boys aim for the top speed so they can spend some quality time with DeAnna. Sean, the former mulleted red neck wins. He sucks. Graham then gets some time with DeAnna. Okay, first things first. DeAnna wants this guy. Badly. The sexual tension is practically visible. DeAnna literally asks for a kiss from Graham. And he DENIES her by saying, "I don't want to be one of the bunch." Girlfriend is pissed, and the chemistry basically ends there. She calls him out since he's not putting himself out there, and she's totally right. Graham has proven that he is the "do" choice in my favorite game, "Do, Dump or Marry." You spend a wild night with the man, but you don't spend your life with him. Child ain't ready for commitment. Oh, but that body!
Next, the boys at the bunkhouse throw a BBQ for DeAnna and the boys at the Mansion. It all goes South very quickly. The boys are ignoring DeAnna because it's awkward when they're all vying for her affection. Robert slinks away to the house, Graham is aloof, and Brian wears a shirt that says "Home Wrecker." Really? Was that the best choice? Not sure...
Anyway, DeAnna calls the boys out on their juvenile behavior, and leaves in tears. Amazing. The only redeeming factor of this special time is that the boys are shirtless.
The last date finds Robert and Fred on a two-on-one with DeAnna in the Hollywood Hills. She looks amazing in her white jeans and gold sweater, and the boys try to impress her with their romantic prowess. Robert sucks. He proposes a kiss to DeAnna and she gives him her cheek ("the dodge" as she called it). Amazing. But, oddly, he thinks they have this amazing connection? Um...not so much. I mean, if by "connection," you mean you're in the same room, then fine. Fred proves that he's a great guy, and she's totally going to choose him. But NO!! She sends them both home! So sad, but so real. First, she sends Robert away and we're over it. He's also drunk and fake crying. She was honest in saying she didn't have a connection with Fred, and she cries as he drives away.
At the rose ceremony, DeAnna chooses:
1) Jesse
2) Sean
3) Jason
4) Jeremy
5) Twilley
6) Graham
Bye-bye: Robert, Fred, Brian.
Awards:
1) The "everyguy": Fred. Good guy, we love him. Just lose the accent.
2) Cutest: Jason.
3) Surprise of the night: Twilley staying and Brian going home.
4) Rockin' Hot Bod: Graham. Just stop shaving your chest and we'll have a deal.
Until next week,
Mike
In order to win the one-on-one, the boys must write and perform an original song for DeAnna, which, clearly, is embarrassing for all. Ultimately, Jesse wins.
On his one-on-one date, DeAnna surprises him with a private serenade in an empty theatre. Jesse wears formal attire, and looks pretty damn good. Natasha Beddingfield soon joins the happy couple as she sings to them while they dance. He's totally into her, she's semi-into him.
The group date finds Brian, Twilley, Sean, Graham, Jason and Jeremy together at the race track where they race for DeAnna's heart by racing stock cars. I love how this is the guy's version of the fashion show on the bachelor. The boys aim for the top speed so they can spend some quality time with DeAnna. Sean, the former mulleted red neck wins. He sucks. Graham then gets some time with DeAnna. Okay, first things first. DeAnna wants this guy. Badly. The sexual tension is practically visible. DeAnna literally asks for a kiss from Graham. And he DENIES her by saying, "I don't want to be one of the bunch." Girlfriend is pissed, and the chemistry basically ends there. She calls him out since he's not putting himself out there, and she's totally right. Graham has proven that he is the "do" choice in my favorite game, "Do, Dump or Marry." You spend a wild night with the man, but you don't spend your life with him. Child ain't ready for commitment. Oh, but that body!
Next, the boys at the bunkhouse throw a BBQ for DeAnna and the boys at the Mansion. It all goes South very quickly. The boys are ignoring DeAnna because it's awkward when they're all vying for her affection. Robert slinks away to the house, Graham is aloof, and Brian wears a shirt that says "Home Wrecker." Really? Was that the best choice? Not sure...
Anyway, DeAnna calls the boys out on their juvenile behavior, and leaves in tears. Amazing. The only redeeming factor of this special time is that the boys are shirtless.
The last date finds Robert and Fred on a two-on-one with DeAnna in the Hollywood Hills. She looks amazing in her white jeans and gold sweater, and the boys try to impress her with their romantic prowess. Robert sucks. He proposes a kiss to DeAnna and she gives him her cheek ("the dodge" as she called it). Amazing. But, oddly, he thinks they have this amazing connection? Um...not so much. I mean, if by "connection," you mean you're in the same room, then fine. Fred proves that he's a great guy, and she's totally going to choose him. But NO!! She sends them both home! So sad, but so real. First, she sends Robert away and we're over it. He's also drunk and fake crying. She was honest in saying she didn't have a connection with Fred, and she cries as he drives away.
At the rose ceremony, DeAnna chooses:
1) Jesse
2) Sean
3) Jason
4) Jeremy
5) Twilley
6) Graham
Bye-bye: Robert, Fred, Brian.
Awards:
1) The "everyguy": Fred. Good guy, we love him. Just lose the accent.
2) Cutest: Jason.
3) Surprise of the night: Twilley staying and Brian going home.
4) Rockin' Hot Bod: Graham. Just stop shaving your chest and we'll have a deal.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
I'm so famous
Sometimes being famous has its drawbacks. Missing ¾ of last night’s Bachelorette is one of them. You see, I was entertaining clients over pinot and filets last night, and the evening just got away from me. I arrived home in a wine-induced haze to see the last 30 minutes of the episode. So let me tell you about some highlights…
DeAnna and Jeremy have a strong connection and she likes him.
Her connection to Graham, however, is stronger, even though he’s bad news bears. Their kiss was hot. She wants him naked in her bed immediately. So do I, but whatever.
DeAnna is fine with Jason’s son, and they apparently had a good date after last week’s mess. She even named a star after the little boy, Ty. Scratch that, ABC named a star after him, and DeAnna pretended it was her idea.
She sent Richard home after their one-on-one. Sucks to be him.
The remaining nine suitors are:
1) Robert
2) Jason
3) Fred – What did he do to get a rose so early? Can she really stomach that accent?
4) Twilley – Clearly remaining as the “entertainment” for the season.
5) Jesse
6) Jeremy
7) Brian
8) Graham
9) Sean – Really? She chose him in light of his heinous taste in fashion?
Bye-bye: Richard, Ron, Paul.
Until next week,
Mike
DeAnna and Jeremy have a strong connection and she likes him.
Her connection to Graham, however, is stronger, even though he’s bad news bears. Their kiss was hot. She wants him naked in her bed immediately. So do I, but whatever.
DeAnna is fine with Jason’s son, and they apparently had a good date after last week’s mess. She even named a star after the little boy, Ty. Scratch that, ABC named a star after him, and DeAnna pretended it was her idea.
She sent Richard home after their one-on-one. Sucks to be him.
The remaining nine suitors are:
1) Robert
2) Jason
3) Fred – What did he do to get a rose so early? Can she really stomach that accent?
4) Twilley – Clearly remaining as the “entertainment” for the season.
5) Jesse
6) Jeremy
7) Brian
8) Graham
9) Sean – Really? She chose him in light of his heinous taste in fashion?
Bye-bye: Richard, Ron, Paul.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Boys will be girls
It’s move-in day on The Bachelorette, and this season, the rules have changed. The boys will not be living in a lavish estate, rather, they have been relegated to the “guest house” down the hill from DeAnna’s mansion where they’ll be bunking like campmates. My favorite part? The outdoor shower. According to me, the guest house is a fun twist, and my opinion is the only one that matters. Here’s the juicy caveat: each week, three boys get to move in to the mansion with DeAnna. The first three lucky boys are Jeremy, Jesse and Richard (the recipients of last week’s first three roses). The rest of the boys tucked their tails between their legs, and did the “walk of shame” down to the guest house.
After the move-in is settled, we get underway with this episode’s three dates. The first group date is a night at the Magic Castle in Hollywood with Jason, Ryan, Twilley, Sean, Paul, Fred and Richard. It’s a night of magic tricks and disappearing acts, and Jason and DeAnna are the first to magically disappear. Unfortunately, their destination was the land of awkward and forced conversation, and I hated it. As each man had some one-on-one time with DeAnna, and all had a few tricks up their sleeves. Sean is wearing a horrific striped suit and is interrupted by a piano that mocks him. Twilley tells a story that lasts 82 hours and is later accused by the dudes of being “along for the ride” and of being “the least genuine” of all the guys by Ryan, the perfect virgin. Richard performs some magic of his own and gives DeAnna a paper flower. Paul, surprisingly, gets the rose after getting into a deep conversation about how he’s ready to settle. Come on. You’re 23. You’re also Canadian, so everything you say isn’t even real because your country is a mythical place. Simmer down.
The next date is a one-on-one with Graham, a.k.a. Hot As Hell. You can tell from the start that DeAnna has high expectations for their connection, and from the get-go, it just seems natural. No awkward conversations, no uncomfortable silence, just easy-breezy conversation and banter. I love it. He’s a doll and I’m dating him as soon as the season is over; he just doesn’t know it yet. DeAnna and Graham soon arrive to a secluded beach where they fly a kite (or try, at least), chat, and flirt some more. As the sun sets, DeAnna grills him about his past relationships and his intentions. This provides a bit of a revelation: is Graham the next Brad Womack? Is he a heartbreaker in the making? Is he ready to settle down? Graham certainly leaves a lot to the imagination as we just can’t quite pin down his motives. Oooh, the intrigue. Of course, everyone wants what they can’t have, so DeAnna totally wants him more even though she’s afraid she’ll get hurt. But, in the end, he reaffirms that he is in this for the right reasons, and they share a hot kiss. Clearly, he gets the rose. Sidenote: for the first time, I kind of liked DeAnna. Maybe she isn’t cold and aloof. Maybe, just maybe, she has a heart and true emotions.
Meanwhile, back at the manse, Twilley is waiting to catch DeAnna after her date with Graham in order to impress upon her his true intentions. DeAnna, in a post-Graham haze, saunters towards the mansion only to find Twilley waiting for her. In true Twilley fashion, he awkwardly tries to verbalize the fact that he is there for the right reasons, but it just comes out all wrong. Coupled with the fact that he waited for DeAnna like a stalker, and the whole scene was just a bit too much.
The last date was a day at the ballpark with Chris, Robert, Brian, Jesse, Ron, Jeremy and Eric. They all descend upon Dodger Stadium for a day of private baseball, which has to be every guy’s wet dream (I mean, every guy except for me who despised the boring game of baseball and spent the springs of his childhood picking dandelions in the outfield and waiting for the game to end so he could eat orange slices and juice boxes and the occasional chocolate pudding pop from the cool mom who brought good post-game treats. But I totally hit a few homers, too, so don’t think I wasn’t butch as hell). The guys arrive on the field and are greeted by Tommy Lasorda, and the wet dream only gets better. Lasorda gives a quick motivational speech, and the boys take their turns at the National Anthem. Hot tranny mess. Poor Chris was in the spotlight, but they all gave it a try, and they all sucked. Next the guys take their turn at the plate: each guy got 10 pitches, and the guy with the most homeruns won some time with DeAnna. Clearly the hottest guy won, and that was Jeremy. Fool knocked six homers out of the park. The next best dudes only hit two. Awesome. Jeremy divulges to DeAnna that both of his parents have passed away, and it’s totally emotional. Being a dude, he fights back tears, but you can tell he’s emotional about it. DeAnna feels like a douche for asking, but they totally connect. He eventually gets the rose. We also learn on this date that Brian is cute and fun (love me some salt and pepper hair), and Eric is boring and Greek.
On the night of the rose ceremony, the boys show up at the mansion and Jeremy greets them with “Welcome to our home.” The boys freak out and assume Jeremy is a pompous ass, and proceed to turn into big fat girls about the whole thing. Idiots. They’re just jealous, and Jeremy isn’t a dick. I’m serious. We made out last summer, and he’s totally nice. Jeremy then rubs salt in the girls’ wounds by spending more time with DeAnna. One push-up contest later, DeAnna chooses:
1) Paul
2) Graham
3) Jeremy
4) Ron
5) Jesse
6) Robert
7) Brian
8) Jason
9) Fred
10) Sean
11) Richard
12) Twilley
Goodbye to: Chris, Ryan and Eric the Greek.
Ryan tells us as he leaves that he was voted “Friendliest” in eighth grade. Awesome. So was I, fool. Northern Hills Middle School’s Friendliest eighth grader in 1994. You’re looking at him, and damn he looks good. Just because we’re friendly, Ryan, doesn’t mean we’ll marry DeAnna Pappas.
Awards:
1) Heartbreaker: Graham
2) Drama Queens: all the boys
3) Front-runner: Jeremy, by a long-shot
4) Worst fashion choices (Untied ties? Seriously?): Graham and Twilley
Until next week,
Mike
After the move-in is settled, we get underway with this episode’s three dates. The first group date is a night at the Magic Castle in Hollywood with Jason, Ryan, Twilley, Sean, Paul, Fred and Richard. It’s a night of magic tricks and disappearing acts, and Jason and DeAnna are the first to magically disappear. Unfortunately, their destination was the land of awkward and forced conversation, and I hated it. As each man had some one-on-one time with DeAnna, and all had a few tricks up their sleeves. Sean is wearing a horrific striped suit and is interrupted by a piano that mocks him. Twilley tells a story that lasts 82 hours and is later accused by the dudes of being “along for the ride” and of being “the least genuine” of all the guys by Ryan, the perfect virgin. Richard performs some magic of his own and gives DeAnna a paper flower. Paul, surprisingly, gets the rose after getting into a deep conversation about how he’s ready to settle. Come on. You’re 23. You’re also Canadian, so everything you say isn’t even real because your country is a mythical place. Simmer down.
The next date is a one-on-one with Graham, a.k.a. Hot As Hell. You can tell from the start that DeAnna has high expectations for their connection, and from the get-go, it just seems natural. No awkward conversations, no uncomfortable silence, just easy-breezy conversation and banter. I love it. He’s a doll and I’m dating him as soon as the season is over; he just doesn’t know it yet. DeAnna and Graham soon arrive to a secluded beach where they fly a kite (or try, at least), chat, and flirt some more. As the sun sets, DeAnna grills him about his past relationships and his intentions. This provides a bit of a revelation: is Graham the next Brad Womack? Is he a heartbreaker in the making? Is he ready to settle down? Graham certainly leaves a lot to the imagination as we just can’t quite pin down his motives. Oooh, the intrigue. Of course, everyone wants what they can’t have, so DeAnna totally wants him more even though she’s afraid she’ll get hurt. But, in the end, he reaffirms that he is in this for the right reasons, and they share a hot kiss. Clearly, he gets the rose. Sidenote: for the first time, I kind of liked DeAnna. Maybe she isn’t cold and aloof. Maybe, just maybe, she has a heart and true emotions.
Meanwhile, back at the manse, Twilley is waiting to catch DeAnna after her date with Graham in order to impress upon her his true intentions. DeAnna, in a post-Graham haze, saunters towards the mansion only to find Twilley waiting for her. In true Twilley fashion, he awkwardly tries to verbalize the fact that he is there for the right reasons, but it just comes out all wrong. Coupled with the fact that he waited for DeAnna like a stalker, and the whole scene was just a bit too much.
The last date was a day at the ballpark with Chris, Robert, Brian, Jesse, Ron, Jeremy and Eric. They all descend upon Dodger Stadium for a day of private baseball, which has to be every guy’s wet dream (I mean, every guy except for me who despised the boring game of baseball and spent the springs of his childhood picking dandelions in the outfield and waiting for the game to end so he could eat orange slices and juice boxes and the occasional chocolate pudding pop from the cool mom who brought good post-game treats. But I totally hit a few homers, too, so don’t think I wasn’t butch as hell). The guys arrive on the field and are greeted by Tommy Lasorda, and the wet dream only gets better. Lasorda gives a quick motivational speech, and the boys take their turns at the National Anthem. Hot tranny mess. Poor Chris was in the spotlight, but they all gave it a try, and they all sucked. Next the guys take their turn at the plate: each guy got 10 pitches, and the guy with the most homeruns won some time with DeAnna. Clearly the hottest guy won, and that was Jeremy. Fool knocked six homers out of the park. The next best dudes only hit two. Awesome. Jeremy divulges to DeAnna that both of his parents have passed away, and it’s totally emotional. Being a dude, he fights back tears, but you can tell he’s emotional about it. DeAnna feels like a douche for asking, but they totally connect. He eventually gets the rose. We also learn on this date that Brian is cute and fun (love me some salt and pepper hair), and Eric is boring and Greek.
On the night of the rose ceremony, the boys show up at the mansion and Jeremy greets them with “Welcome to our home.” The boys freak out and assume Jeremy is a pompous ass, and proceed to turn into big fat girls about the whole thing. Idiots. They’re just jealous, and Jeremy isn’t a dick. I’m serious. We made out last summer, and he’s totally nice. Jeremy then rubs salt in the girls’ wounds by spending more time with DeAnna. One push-up contest later, DeAnna chooses:
1) Paul
2) Graham
3) Jeremy
4) Ron
5) Jesse
6) Robert
7) Brian
8) Jason
9) Fred
10) Sean
11) Richard
12) Twilley
Goodbye to: Chris, Ryan and Eric the Greek.
Ryan tells us as he leaves that he was voted “Friendliest” in eighth grade. Awesome. So was I, fool. Northern Hills Middle School’s Friendliest eighth grader in 1994. You’re looking at him, and damn he looks good. Just because we’re friendly, Ryan, doesn’t mean we’ll marry DeAnna Pappas.
Awards:
1) Heartbreaker: Graham
2) Drama Queens: all the boys
3) Front-runner: Jeremy, by a long-shot
4) Worst fashion choices (Untied ties? Seriously?): Graham and Twilley
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The Bachelorette is Back.
With no respite whatsoever, ABC has begun another to-be-doomed season of the worst show on television—and we love it. It’s back folks. The tables have once again turned, and this season, a woman holds the cards. It’s as if the genders are “equal” or something. I’m rather confused, but excited all at once because we get to see boys make fools of themselves (and hopefully take off their shirts).
Before I get to the analysis of the disappointing crop of dudes, let me first comment on the re-introduction of Ms. DeAnna Pappas. They paint the picture of unrequited love, of heartbreak, of despair. Wow, she sure seems like a woman I’d like to date! (No jokes from the peanut gallery, please.) Yet, through it all, she is apparently Ms. Available!
I have two goals for this season: 1) Lots of mrama (man drama); and 2) lots of mears (man tears). And on to the show.
The 25 suitors arrived limo by limo to meet the gold-clad DeAnna whose butt looked big in her dress. ABC did a nice job of foreshadowing major players of the season with the quick intro of the boys in their hometowns (namely, Jason, the Single Dad). Clearly he’s sticking around for a while. He’s also hot, so he wins! Yay!
As the arrivals begin, we realize that DeAnna looks better than most of the losers she’s hoping to marry (who wore far too many dark-colored dress shirts). Also, was it just me, or was there a one-in-five twirl ratio? Why did the men feel the need to twirl DeAnna as though they were on the dance floor? Is this what straight people do upon meeting others of the opposite sex? It’s beyond me, and, quite frankly, embarrassing.
This episode offers a new twist in that DeAnna gets three First Impression Roses. Clearly they’re going to the three hottest guys, because what better way to impress than with stunning good looks? DeAnna surprises no one by quickly choosing the hottest guy (and last to arrive) of them all for the first First Impression Rose: Jeremy, the attorney from TX. Hot. Take of your shirt.
As we meet the men through the evening, we realize that ABC has successfully cast the show and fulfilled all necessary quotas.
Doesn’t Fit Into A Mold/Free-Thinking/Weird-Dressing Guy: Jesse
Horrible Midwestern Accent Guy: Fred
Faith-filled Virgin Guy: Ryan
Divorced Guy: Ron
Endearing and Hot Single Dad Guy: Jason
Canadian Guy: Paul
Homosexual Guy: To Be Determined
As the night progresses, DeAnna awards the next two First Impression Roses to Jesse and his Technicolor Dreamcoat, and Richard the Science Nerd. Richard wins the Dark Horse Award in the First Impression Rose race for stealing Jason and/or Graham’s thunder as frontrunners.
A few notes on the contenders…
Ron, the divorced barber, cannot converse, has no personality, and has HORRENDOUS style. I’m sorry, a vest with the tie untucked? What?
(I love The Bachelorette for showcasing guys and their lack of style. With no one telling them what to wear, we never know what we’ll see!)
Fred’s accent is excruciatingly awful, and simply unbearable. Where was he raised? In the bar next to Soldier Field? I mean, I’m from Michigan, but this is too much!
Ryan has never boned, and he sucks.
Luke, the oyster farmer, gives DeAnna a pearl necklace and Robert, the cook, gives her crabs. All on the first date!
Graham is hot.
Eric is Greek.
Brian from IN is a loser who shows off his not-so-good abs.
Paul jumps in the pool and wears underwear with DeAnna’s name on them.
Sean kicks a lemon off Jesse’s head because he’s in to martial arts (he also has a mullet).
Greg, the personal trainer, speaks in the third person, has 82 tats, and has chest acne from the steroids. If that isn’t hot, I don’t know what is.
Jenni, the other lover Brad Womack scorned, returns to give DeAnna advice. And she’s apparently engaged? Amazing.
After a rather uneventful first episode, DeAnna chooses her lovers.
1) Jeremy
2) Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
3) Richard
4) Ron
5) Graham
6) Eric
7) Robert
8) Sean
9) Ryan. Gotta keep the virgin around!
10) Chris
11) Paul
12) Fred. Ugh, that accent!
13) Twilley (I’m sorry, what? Did you say “Twilley”?)
14) Jason
15) Brian TX
Tonight’s awards:
1) Best Outfit: Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
2) Least Sexed: Ryan the Virgin.
3) Surprising early exits: Chandler the Southern boy and Luke the oyster farmer.
4) Douche: Greg, the personal trainer
5) Possible Dark Horse: Twilley
6) Frontrunners: Jeremy, Graham, Jason. The three hottest dudes.
Until next week,
Mike
Before I get to the analysis of the disappointing crop of dudes, let me first comment on the re-introduction of Ms. DeAnna Pappas. They paint the picture of unrequited love, of heartbreak, of despair. Wow, she sure seems like a woman I’d like to date! (No jokes from the peanut gallery, please.) Yet, through it all, she is apparently Ms. Available!
I have two goals for this season: 1) Lots of mrama (man drama); and 2) lots of mears (man tears). And on to the show.
The 25 suitors arrived limo by limo to meet the gold-clad DeAnna whose butt looked big in her dress. ABC did a nice job of foreshadowing major players of the season with the quick intro of the boys in their hometowns (namely, Jason, the Single Dad). Clearly he’s sticking around for a while. He’s also hot, so he wins! Yay!
As the arrivals begin, we realize that DeAnna looks better than most of the losers she’s hoping to marry (who wore far too many dark-colored dress shirts). Also, was it just me, or was there a one-in-five twirl ratio? Why did the men feel the need to twirl DeAnna as though they were on the dance floor? Is this what straight people do upon meeting others of the opposite sex? It’s beyond me, and, quite frankly, embarrassing.
This episode offers a new twist in that DeAnna gets three First Impression Roses. Clearly they’re going to the three hottest guys, because what better way to impress than with stunning good looks? DeAnna surprises no one by quickly choosing the hottest guy (and last to arrive) of them all for the first First Impression Rose: Jeremy, the attorney from TX. Hot. Take of your shirt.
As we meet the men through the evening, we realize that ABC has successfully cast the show and fulfilled all necessary quotas.
Doesn’t Fit Into A Mold/Free-Thinking/Weird-Dressing Guy: Jesse
Horrible Midwestern Accent Guy: Fred
Faith-filled Virgin Guy: Ryan
Divorced Guy: Ron
Endearing and Hot Single Dad Guy: Jason
Canadian Guy: Paul
Homosexual Guy: To Be Determined
As the night progresses, DeAnna awards the next two First Impression Roses to Jesse and his Technicolor Dreamcoat, and Richard the Science Nerd. Richard wins the Dark Horse Award in the First Impression Rose race for stealing Jason and/or Graham’s thunder as frontrunners.
A few notes on the contenders…
Ron, the divorced barber, cannot converse, has no personality, and has HORRENDOUS style. I’m sorry, a vest with the tie untucked? What?
(I love The Bachelorette for showcasing guys and their lack of style. With no one telling them what to wear, we never know what we’ll see!)
Fred’s accent is excruciatingly awful, and simply unbearable. Where was he raised? In the bar next to Soldier Field? I mean, I’m from Michigan, but this is too much!
Ryan has never boned, and he sucks.
Luke, the oyster farmer, gives DeAnna a pearl necklace and Robert, the cook, gives her crabs. All on the first date!
Graham is hot.
Eric is Greek.
Brian from IN is a loser who shows off his not-so-good abs.
Paul jumps in the pool and wears underwear with DeAnna’s name on them.
Sean kicks a lemon off Jesse’s head because he’s in to martial arts (he also has a mullet).
Greg, the personal trainer, speaks in the third person, has 82 tats, and has chest acne from the steroids. If that isn’t hot, I don’t know what is.
Jenni, the other lover Brad Womack scorned, returns to give DeAnna advice. And she’s apparently engaged? Amazing.
After a rather uneventful first episode, DeAnna chooses her lovers.
1) Jeremy
2) Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
3) Richard
4) Ron
5) Graham
6) Eric
7) Robert
8) Sean
9) Ryan. Gotta keep the virgin around!
10) Chris
11) Paul
12) Fred. Ugh, that accent!
13) Twilley (I’m sorry, what? Did you say “Twilley”?)
14) Jason
15) Brian TX
Tonight’s awards:
1) Best Outfit: Jesse and the Technicolor Dreamcoat
2) Least Sexed: Ryan the Virgin.
3) Surprising early exits: Chandler the Southern boy and Luke the oyster farmer.
4) Douche: Greg, the personal trainer
5) Possible Dark Horse: Twilley
6) Frontrunners: Jeremy, Graham, Jason. The three hottest dudes.
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
And she's already NOT surprising us...
http://tvwatch.people.com/2008/05/13/the-bachelor-winner-poses-in-girls-gone-wild-magazine/
Shayne. Girls Gone Wild.
It's heaven.
Shayne. Girls Gone Wild.
It's heaven.
Things just don't go my way.
After a rough-and-tumble few months in the love department, my heart has been broken again. ABC, I’m so pissed at you. You’ve gone ahead and guaranteed another failed match on The Bachelor. At least this time we won’t be duped into thinking they’ll actually work out. (Trying to spin this positively here.)
And on to the genius that is The Bachelor: London Calling…
The episode begins in London, where the two remaining girls arrive to meet Matt and the Grant family, who are clearly quite well off. The first American to arrive is Chelsea, surely the inevitable winner of this season. He loves her, it’s obvious. After taking in a few London sights, the lovebirds arrive to the Grant family home. They are greeted by brother Simon, mom Trish, and dad Tony. Clearly Matt was the recipient of the hot genes. The mom was cute, the dad was mute, and the brother seemed fun. Kudos to dad for pulling off a turtleneck and blazer. The date wasn’t too eventful, but the family definitely took a liking to Chelsea. Her mom fulfilled every Brit’s duty by saying “lovely” on like 82 occasions. Lovely.
Next, the blonde bimbo arrives to London. This is Shayne’s first trip across the pond, and she thoroughly enjoys it. Clearly her parents were too busy being nipped and tucked to take their daughters on vacation…but that’s LA for you. After Matt babysits her through some London highlights, they arrive to the Grant home and the reaction is inevitable. Is she for real? Does Matt really like her? Simon seems to possess the same “honesty gene” as Matt, and fully admits to Shayne that he judged her upon meeting her. Amazing. Dad once again wears a turtleneck and blazer, but this time he says something! He asks Shayne how old she is, to which she responds, “12.” Right on. Couldn’t be more true. The inevitable “Monkey” is stated, and the two part ways. It’s so going to be Chelsea.
Back in Barbados, we have our final two dates before judgment day. Chelsea is first up to the plate once again. The lovers helicopter around the island, totally bone on the beach, and share one final night together before they become engaged. Chelsea gives Matt a “California Survival Kit” as a present, and it’s cute. She fully opens up and they confess to falling in love with each other. So sweet. So in love. So ending up together.
Shayne is up next, and Matt is less than thrilled to see her. But he powers through the date, as they parasail in the waters of Barbados. At night, Shayne gives Matt the requisite gift for the last night. It’s a picture of her on the beach with “I love you” inscribed in the sand. He doesn’t respond with an “I love you” back, rather, upon prodding, says, “Without doubt, I’m falling in love with you too.” Weak. Clearly he’s just saying what he thinks he should say, and none of us believe it. Thank goodness, because I don’t know if I could handle it if they ended up together. I mean, barf.
And then they end up together.
The big moment arrives and Chelsea shows up first. Her dress isn’t that cute, but whatever. From the first words, I can tell Matt is breaking up with her. Vomit. I honestly did not need this mess this season. My heart is already broken; I didn’t need the television to kick me while I was already down. Amazing. I hate everyone.
Chelsea kind of blows it near the end when she says of Shayne, “She was the fakest one here.” Matt seemed a bit peeved by this, and they say their goodbyes. Chelsea is pissed. Goodbye forever.
Next, Shayne arrives looking pretty cute in a little yellow number with sequins. The babydoll dress is fitting for a baby. I tuned most of Matt’s speech out until he said this dream of a line: “Monkey, will you marry me?” Shayne, busting out her best (not good) acting chops, reacts with pure emotion, her knees buckle, and she accepts. Vomit. Barf. Spew.
But back to the positive note here: at least we know they won’t last.
Until next Monday,
Mike
Next Monday: The Bachelorette is back! Finally, lots of shirtless men and man drama. It’s been far too long. DeAnna still sucks, though.
And on to the genius that is The Bachelor: London Calling…
The episode begins in London, where the two remaining girls arrive to meet Matt and the Grant family, who are clearly quite well off. The first American to arrive is Chelsea, surely the inevitable winner of this season. He loves her, it’s obvious. After taking in a few London sights, the lovebirds arrive to the Grant family home. They are greeted by brother Simon, mom Trish, and dad Tony. Clearly Matt was the recipient of the hot genes. The mom was cute, the dad was mute, and the brother seemed fun. Kudos to dad for pulling off a turtleneck and blazer. The date wasn’t too eventful, but the family definitely took a liking to Chelsea. Her mom fulfilled every Brit’s duty by saying “lovely” on like 82 occasions. Lovely.
Next, the blonde bimbo arrives to London. This is Shayne’s first trip across the pond, and she thoroughly enjoys it. Clearly her parents were too busy being nipped and tucked to take their daughters on vacation…but that’s LA for you. After Matt babysits her through some London highlights, they arrive to the Grant home and the reaction is inevitable. Is she for real? Does Matt really like her? Simon seems to possess the same “honesty gene” as Matt, and fully admits to Shayne that he judged her upon meeting her. Amazing. Dad once again wears a turtleneck and blazer, but this time he says something! He asks Shayne how old she is, to which she responds, “12.” Right on. Couldn’t be more true. The inevitable “Monkey” is stated, and the two part ways. It’s so going to be Chelsea.
Back in Barbados, we have our final two dates before judgment day. Chelsea is first up to the plate once again. The lovers helicopter around the island, totally bone on the beach, and share one final night together before they become engaged. Chelsea gives Matt a “California Survival Kit” as a present, and it’s cute. She fully opens up and they confess to falling in love with each other. So sweet. So in love. So ending up together.
Shayne is up next, and Matt is less than thrilled to see her. But he powers through the date, as they parasail in the waters of Barbados. At night, Shayne gives Matt the requisite gift for the last night. It’s a picture of her on the beach with “I love you” inscribed in the sand. He doesn’t respond with an “I love you” back, rather, upon prodding, says, “Without doubt, I’m falling in love with you too.” Weak. Clearly he’s just saying what he thinks he should say, and none of us believe it. Thank goodness, because I don’t know if I could handle it if they ended up together. I mean, barf.
And then they end up together.
The big moment arrives and Chelsea shows up first. Her dress isn’t that cute, but whatever. From the first words, I can tell Matt is breaking up with her. Vomit. I honestly did not need this mess this season. My heart is already broken; I didn’t need the television to kick me while I was already down. Amazing. I hate everyone.
Chelsea kind of blows it near the end when she says of Shayne, “She was the fakest one here.” Matt seemed a bit peeved by this, and they say their goodbyes. Chelsea is pissed. Goodbye forever.
Next, Shayne arrives looking pretty cute in a little yellow number with sequins. The babydoll dress is fitting for a baby. I tuned most of Matt’s speech out until he said this dream of a line: “Monkey, will you marry me?” Shayne, busting out her best (not good) acting chops, reacts with pure emotion, her knees buckle, and she accepts. Vomit. Barf. Spew.
But back to the positive note here: at least we know they won’t last.
Until next Monday,
Mike
Next Monday: The Bachelorette is back! Finally, lots of shirtless men and man drama. It’s been far too long. DeAnna still sucks, though.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Blondes have more fun. Even with dark roots.
To bone, or not to bone? That is the question. It’s Fantasy Date Night, and we’re in Barbados! I’m secretly annoyed that ABC has chosen to host all three Fantasy Dates in the same location, but I understand that we are in lean financial times, and the Hilton Barbados simply must do for now. But honestly? Ain’t nothing Fantasy-like about an American chain hotel. Just sayin’…
Before the first date begins, ABC tries to fool us a bit by playing clips of the girls debating whether or not to bone Matt in the Fantasy Suite. I mean, honestly. We’re in season 82. We know that no one EVER refuses the chance to bone the bachelor. So stop toying with our emotions, and get to the dates already—which is exactly what I’ll do.
Shayne joins Matt on the beach for the beginning of Date One. I love how Matt is wearing full-length khakis while walking in the water. It’s all just a bit awkward to me. Hello? Poorly-paid wardrobe assistant? Where were you when his pants needed rolling? He was soaked and no one took care of him! Again, must be budget cuts…
Shayne is excited to be with Matt for their “first time out of the U.S.A.” Excuse me? Who says “U.S.A.”? It’s the “U.S.” or the “States,” or, if you’re feeling particularly nationalistic, “the country.” But it’s Shayne, and she’s dumb, so we forgive her.
The lovebirds then jet ski around the ocean while Shayne wears the most bizarre swimsuit I’ve ever seen. Since she’s of the portly variety, she clearly doesn’t want to bare skin (can you imagine how that could affect her “acting career?”). Thus, she chooses to sport some sort of 20s pin-up girl swimsuit/wrestling uniform, and looks like a goon.
After a fun day in the sun, Matt and Shayne have a romantic dinner during which Shayne teaches Matt how to kiss on-screen, like actors do. I love how she pretends like she knows. Please…this is her biggest acting gig to date. Shayne tells Matt, “I love being blonde, I’ve been blonde since I was, like, 12.” Amazing. Matt tells her that she’s his “little monkey.” After vomiting, I continue watching. Shayne lets it all out with the bomb: “I’m falling in love with you.” Matt responds with, “I’m falling for you too.” Notice the lack of “love.” Oops.
Matt “surprises” Shayne with the Fantasy Suit card from Chris Harrison, Shayne reads it aloud like a first grader sounding out her first multi-syllabic words, and the inevitable pool scene/champagne/bonefest ensues.
The next day, Amanda and Matt zip-line through the forests of Barbados. He calls her “honey,” she says “like” every five seconds. It’s really dreamy. It’s easy to notice the lack of chemistry here as everything just feels so forced. Amanda is guarded, Matt is more natural; it’s all rather forced. And I literally can’t stand listening to her talk. She’s an idiot. I really have nothing more to say. She fakes herself into wanting to fall in love with him, but anyone who acts like that is moronic if they consider that behavior “loving.”
The last date reunites another guarded one with her lover. Chelsea comes to the date with tons of baggage and it’s super awkward. What could have been a romantic day on a catamaran and swimming with wildlife turns into hours of awkward silence. Matt tries to coax Chelsea into opening up, Chelsea evades him, Matt falls in love with a turtle instead. (For those not familiar, they swam with sea turtles, and the turtles paid more attention to Matt than Chelsea did.) He’s totally upset about it, and not convinced that it’s even worth having dinner.
But, thanks to good editing, dinner was a hit! Chelsea opened up about her feelings for Matt, she confides in him her fears of being hurt, and she’s finally cute with him. Matt is so clearly in to her, and he’s super relieved. It was almost as if Matt was courting Chelsea on this date, as opposed to Chelsea trying to win his heart. You can tell he likes her.
During dinner, though, Matt may have crossed the line a bit with his honesty. He tells her that he’s more in to her than the other girls. Oops. They go to the Fantasy Suite, and she has a surprise for Matt. She slips into something more comfortable (literally, she puts on some lingerie), ABC gratuitously shows her remove her underwear, and they bone. Or at least they wanted to.
At the rose ceremony, Matt, seemingly distraught, chooses:
1) Shayne
2) Chelsea
And he sends Amanda packing. The goodbye was rather painful as Amanda was 100% pissed. She talks too much, continues saying “like” every five seconds, and just gets mad. I’m sure this made it all the easier for Matt to say goodbye, because she was plain annoying. “I’m, like, shocked right now…like…”
Awards:
1) Best couple: Chelsea and Matt
2) Dark horse: Chelsea
3) Going too far award: Matt. Simmer down on your honesty! Who wants an honest, open bachelor?
Until next week,
Mike
Before the first date begins, ABC tries to fool us a bit by playing clips of the girls debating whether or not to bone Matt in the Fantasy Suite. I mean, honestly. We’re in season 82. We know that no one EVER refuses the chance to bone the bachelor. So stop toying with our emotions, and get to the dates already—which is exactly what I’ll do.
Shayne joins Matt on the beach for the beginning of Date One. I love how Matt is wearing full-length khakis while walking in the water. It’s all just a bit awkward to me. Hello? Poorly-paid wardrobe assistant? Where were you when his pants needed rolling? He was soaked and no one took care of him! Again, must be budget cuts…
Shayne is excited to be with Matt for their “first time out of the U.S.A.” Excuse me? Who says “U.S.A.”? It’s the “U.S.” or the “States,” or, if you’re feeling particularly nationalistic, “the country.” But it’s Shayne, and she’s dumb, so we forgive her.
The lovebirds then jet ski around the ocean while Shayne wears the most bizarre swimsuit I’ve ever seen. Since she’s of the portly variety, she clearly doesn’t want to bare skin (can you imagine how that could affect her “acting career?”). Thus, she chooses to sport some sort of 20s pin-up girl swimsuit/wrestling uniform, and looks like a goon.
After a fun day in the sun, Matt and Shayne have a romantic dinner during which Shayne teaches Matt how to kiss on-screen, like actors do. I love how she pretends like she knows. Please…this is her biggest acting gig to date. Shayne tells Matt, “I love being blonde, I’ve been blonde since I was, like, 12.” Amazing. Matt tells her that she’s his “little monkey.” After vomiting, I continue watching. Shayne lets it all out with the bomb: “I’m falling in love with you.” Matt responds with, “I’m falling for you too.” Notice the lack of “love.” Oops.
Matt “surprises” Shayne with the Fantasy Suit card from Chris Harrison, Shayne reads it aloud like a first grader sounding out her first multi-syllabic words, and the inevitable pool scene/champagne/bonefest ensues.
The next day, Amanda and Matt zip-line through the forests of Barbados. He calls her “honey,” she says “like” every five seconds. It’s really dreamy. It’s easy to notice the lack of chemistry here as everything just feels so forced. Amanda is guarded, Matt is more natural; it’s all rather forced. And I literally can’t stand listening to her talk. She’s an idiot. I really have nothing more to say. She fakes herself into wanting to fall in love with him, but anyone who acts like that is moronic if they consider that behavior “loving.”
The last date reunites another guarded one with her lover. Chelsea comes to the date with tons of baggage and it’s super awkward. What could have been a romantic day on a catamaran and swimming with wildlife turns into hours of awkward silence. Matt tries to coax Chelsea into opening up, Chelsea evades him, Matt falls in love with a turtle instead. (For those not familiar, they swam with sea turtles, and the turtles paid more attention to Matt than Chelsea did.) He’s totally upset about it, and not convinced that it’s even worth having dinner.
But, thanks to good editing, dinner was a hit! Chelsea opened up about her feelings for Matt, she confides in him her fears of being hurt, and she’s finally cute with him. Matt is so clearly in to her, and he’s super relieved. It was almost as if Matt was courting Chelsea on this date, as opposed to Chelsea trying to win his heart. You can tell he likes her.
During dinner, though, Matt may have crossed the line a bit with his honesty. He tells her that he’s more in to her than the other girls. Oops. They go to the Fantasy Suite, and she has a surprise for Matt. She slips into something more comfortable (literally, she puts on some lingerie), ABC gratuitously shows her remove her underwear, and they bone. Or at least they wanted to.
At the rose ceremony, Matt, seemingly distraught, chooses:
1) Shayne
2) Chelsea
And he sends Amanda packing. The goodbye was rather painful as Amanda was 100% pissed. She talks too much, continues saying “like” every five seconds, and just gets mad. I’m sure this made it all the easier for Matt to say goodbye, because she was plain annoying. “I’m, like, shocked right now…like…”
Awards:
1) Best couple: Chelsea and Matt
2) Dark horse: Chelsea
3) Going too far award: Matt. Simmer down on your honesty! Who wants an honest, open bachelor?
Until next week,
Mike
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Lip-smacking goodness
So love still sucks. But we all move on, right?
This week’s episode always promises to be among the best of the season. Meeting the parents is always a big deal, and you never know what those crazies will throw at you. This season’s “hometown dates” episode provided ample opportunity to laugh at the idiocy that is humanity…so without further delay, I should go ahead and do that right now.
Our first hometown date keeps us right in the Southern California sun as we get to meet Shayne’s parents. Before I begin ripping them apart (just like their plastic surgeons do), I would like to thank Shayne’s parents for epitomizing everything everyone loathes about LA. They were plastic perfection, and I loved it! Oh, I’d also like to thank them for single-handedly keeping the plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills in business. But more on that later. And oh, there is so much to say…
Back to business. Matt and Shayne reunite at a restaurant in LA, and are soon joined by the incredibly famous Lorenzo Lamas…Shayne’s “famous” father (poor Shayne is a product of a broken home, so we must meet the ‘rents separately). Mr. Lamas looks like her brother. And yes, he is officially 50 (thank you IMDB). He also acts like her brother by blatantly throwing her under the bus as he states, “She wants to be an actress, but she wants to be a star more.” Amazing. It was so awkward. Her parents clearly held up the ideals of LA while raising her to value everything that matters: fame, blonde hair, and…fame? Basically Shayne’s dad is the personification of a douchebag, and I love it. Total DB.
And then we meet her mother. Oh. Mah. Gahhhhhhh. I would love to know how long it takes this woman to paint her face on each morning. From the pancake, to the sharpie—I mean—lip liner, to the hot pink lipstick to cover her collagen-infested smackers, it was all too much. And then there were her lumpy boobs. She was simply a vision, if by “vision” I mean hot tranny mess. Wait, maybe her mom is actually her dad. Was that Lorenzo Lamas under all that goop and blonde? Quite possibly. Shayne’s mom will be hereafter known as Lips McGee. Nothing in Ms. McGee’s house (or body) was real, and it was all too amazing. Her little sister, Dakotah (brilly), is a Shayne-in-the-making with blonde hair and dark roots just like Mom. It was all too much. Too much, I tell you! How Matt kept his composure is beyond me. Yet clearly Matt was duped by the fumes of the dye-jobs once again, because he totally likes her! Crazy. Never underestimate the power of a good agent/manager in Hollywood! Shayne has apparently signed a season-long deal with ABC! That’ll get her career going.
The next date finds Matt in Durango, Colorado with Chelsea. Honestly, I don’t remember anything about this date except Chelsea saying, “I don’t speak British.” She’s dumb. But her family’s condo has a nice view.
Matt stays in Colorado to visit the beautiful Noelle next. He meets up with her family in Loveland and they ride via horseback to picnic with her family. It’s Mom, Dad and two sisters. Noelle starts to open up to Matt, and they seem really cute together. The family was surprisingly normal and nice, so I just don’t have much to say. I know, bizarre. Well, Noelle was strikingly cuter than her sisters. Maybe that influenced Matt’s decision…
The last date was in Tallahassee, Florida, where Matt met up with Amanda. He goes to their house to meet her “parents,” and craziness ensues. I have no idea how Matt kept it together. Here’s the deal: Amanda hired actors to impersonate her parents, and they did a hell of a job being crazy people. Their marriage was a mess, the mom was a drunk (and a groper), and it was all too fun (and horrible) to watch. At one point, Amanda’s “mom” literally strokes Matt’s chest and kisses him on the lips all while exposing her ample cleavage. It was brilliant. Just as Matt looked like he was literally going to die, Amanda tells him the truth. Honestly, it was a bit awkward, but good for a laugh. Her real parents then come in, and the date is over. Literally, I don’t even remember what they looked like. So much for their 15 minutes of fame!
At the rose ceremony, Matt chooses:
1) Shayne
2) Amanda
3) Chelsea
Honestly, I was totally surprised to see Noelle go home. Matt basically told his sisters he was falling in love with her, and then he cans her. Sad. But kudos to Noelle, she had perhaps the most dignified exit of any bachelorette ever. No tears, honest words, very sweet.
Awards:
1) Hot Tranny Mess: Shayne’s plastic mom.
2) Best plastic surgery work: the doctors who molded Shayne’s mom and dad into what they are today! I think we’ve got some DaVincis on our hands, folks!
3) Quote of the year: “The higher your hopes, the further they fall.” – Noelle’s insight into break-ups. I’m totally remembering that one.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. Major props to Peth and Pustin Jaschal for hosting the viewing last night! I love their dog ‘Ilo.
This week’s episode always promises to be among the best of the season. Meeting the parents is always a big deal, and you never know what those crazies will throw at you. This season’s “hometown dates” episode provided ample opportunity to laugh at the idiocy that is humanity…so without further delay, I should go ahead and do that right now.
Our first hometown date keeps us right in the Southern California sun as we get to meet Shayne’s parents. Before I begin ripping them apart (just like their plastic surgeons do), I would like to thank Shayne’s parents for epitomizing everything everyone loathes about LA. They were plastic perfection, and I loved it! Oh, I’d also like to thank them for single-handedly keeping the plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills in business. But more on that later. And oh, there is so much to say…
Back to business. Matt and Shayne reunite at a restaurant in LA, and are soon joined by the incredibly famous Lorenzo Lamas…Shayne’s “famous” father (poor Shayne is a product of a broken home, so we must meet the ‘rents separately). Mr. Lamas looks like her brother. And yes, he is officially 50 (thank you IMDB). He also acts like her brother by blatantly throwing her under the bus as he states, “She wants to be an actress, but she wants to be a star more.” Amazing. It was so awkward. Her parents clearly held up the ideals of LA while raising her to value everything that matters: fame, blonde hair, and…fame? Basically Shayne’s dad is the personification of a douchebag, and I love it. Total DB.
And then we meet her mother. Oh. Mah. Gahhhhhhh. I would love to know how long it takes this woman to paint her face on each morning. From the pancake, to the sharpie—I mean—lip liner, to the hot pink lipstick to cover her collagen-infested smackers, it was all too much. And then there were her lumpy boobs. She was simply a vision, if by “vision” I mean hot tranny mess. Wait, maybe her mom is actually her dad. Was that Lorenzo Lamas under all that goop and blonde? Quite possibly. Shayne’s mom will be hereafter known as Lips McGee. Nothing in Ms. McGee’s house (or body) was real, and it was all too amazing. Her little sister, Dakotah (brilly), is a Shayne-in-the-making with blonde hair and dark roots just like Mom. It was all too much. Too much, I tell you! How Matt kept his composure is beyond me. Yet clearly Matt was duped by the fumes of the dye-jobs once again, because he totally likes her! Crazy. Never underestimate the power of a good agent/manager in Hollywood! Shayne has apparently signed a season-long deal with ABC! That’ll get her career going.
The next date finds Matt in Durango, Colorado with Chelsea. Honestly, I don’t remember anything about this date except Chelsea saying, “I don’t speak British.” She’s dumb. But her family’s condo has a nice view.
Matt stays in Colorado to visit the beautiful Noelle next. He meets up with her family in Loveland and they ride via horseback to picnic with her family. It’s Mom, Dad and two sisters. Noelle starts to open up to Matt, and they seem really cute together. The family was surprisingly normal and nice, so I just don’t have much to say. I know, bizarre. Well, Noelle was strikingly cuter than her sisters. Maybe that influenced Matt’s decision…
The last date was in Tallahassee, Florida, where Matt met up with Amanda. He goes to their house to meet her “parents,” and craziness ensues. I have no idea how Matt kept it together. Here’s the deal: Amanda hired actors to impersonate her parents, and they did a hell of a job being crazy people. Their marriage was a mess, the mom was a drunk (and a groper), and it was all too fun (and horrible) to watch. At one point, Amanda’s “mom” literally strokes Matt’s chest and kisses him on the lips all while exposing her ample cleavage. It was brilliant. Just as Matt looked like he was literally going to die, Amanda tells him the truth. Honestly, it was a bit awkward, but good for a laugh. Her real parents then come in, and the date is over. Literally, I don’t even remember what they looked like. So much for their 15 minutes of fame!
At the rose ceremony, Matt chooses:
1) Shayne
2) Amanda
3) Chelsea
Honestly, I was totally surprised to see Noelle go home. Matt basically told his sisters he was falling in love with her, and then he cans her. Sad. But kudos to Noelle, she had perhaps the most dignified exit of any bachelorette ever. No tears, honest words, very sweet.
Awards:
1) Hot Tranny Mess: Shayne’s plastic mom.
2) Best plastic surgery work: the doctors who molded Shayne’s mom and dad into what they are today! I think we’ve got some DaVincis on our hands, folks!
3) Quote of the year: “The higher your hopes, the further they fall.” – Noelle’s insight into break-ups. I’m totally remembering that one.
Until next week,
Mike
p.s. Major props to Peth and Pustin Jaschal for hosting the viewing last night! I love their dog ‘Ilo.
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