Top off dance off

Seriously? Two hours? 120 excruciating minutes of this mess? Please tell me we’re scaling back to 60 minutes of this nonsense going forward. Otherwise this famous blogger may be checking out quicker than Jason’s shirt comes off on each and every date.

Last night’s episode begins with Jason bidding his kid adieu. He roped us in to believing he was actually a good father during the first episode…or did he just convince me that little Ty was there for the duration? Regardless, Ty is shipped back home to his bad mother so Jason can concentrate on taking his shirt off and making out with upwards of two to five women daily until the show ends. It’s all about priorities, people.

Speaking of priorities, Jason clearly devoted a lot of attention to doubling the size of his biceps since DeAnna dumped him. ABC saw his biceps, and now films him as though he’s an Adonis. Let us not forget, this guy is probably 5’6’’. But we still get to sit through a full two minutes of air time as he strips off his shirt at the pool with the girls. The scene was even underscored with sexy music. All too much.

After an afternoon of poolside foreplay, Jason has his first date: a one-on-one encounter with Jillian the Canadian at the Disney Center in LA. Robin Thicke, the spawn of the Growing Pains dad, serenades the lovers. They dance, it’s cute, whatever. She gets a rose. She also has a killer accent (“sauerkraut,” “out,” “about,” it’s all amazing).

The second one-on-one date is between Melissa and Jason. I tuned out. She gets a rose.

The last date is a repeat of every other date on every other season where the girls fulfill stereotypical girl-like roles and get to fawn over fashion. They get new outfits that inevitably come off as they all get in a hot tub later in the evening. What an amazing date idea! Totally original. Molly, from Grand Rapids, MI (hometown love, what, what?!?!) gets the rose on this date, because she’s from Grand Rapids and everyone from there is amazing. Raquel, the Brazilian temptress proves she’s crazy, and the date is done.

Before the final roses are handed out, though, we need some drama. Megan and Erica deliver. Megan, busty and brunette, overhears Erica talking smack behind her back. Erica, who should lay off the booze and hit the gym, denies her sh*t-talking tendencies. It really was a special TV moment.

Stephanie, the 34-year-old plastic baby mama lays on the real drama, though, when she tells us about the passing of her husband. It was sad, actually…so I won’t be mean. Except I just can’t get over her over-worked face. No need for so much Botox by age 34.

After Chris wastes 15 minutes of time discussing the pros and cons of each remaining woman, we finally have the rose ceremony. The following are left standing:

Jillian
Melissa
Molly
Megan
Nikki
Lauren
Naomi
Stephanie
Kari
Natalie
Shannon
Erica

Adios to: Lisa, Raquel, Sharon. Let’s be honest, no one is going to propose to a Brazilian chick. Who needs Green Card drama these days? Let’s keep the love local.

Awards:

Worst show ever: this one.

Until next week (just kidding, I’ll be in the air while it airs and I don’t believe in DVR),

Mike