To Bone or Not To Bone?

It’s my favorite episode of the season: the Fantasy Date episode, in which the Bachelor whisks his three lovers away to a fabulous destination (New Zealand, in this case) so he can con them into boning him while they’re too awestruck by the scenery to really comprehend the gravity of the situation. Ahhh, the inevitable “To Bone or Not To Bone” episode! Nothing gets me going like seeing three chicks over three consecutive nights grapple with the pressing question of whether or not to sleep with their boyfriend with whom they’ve spent a grand total of ~15 hours “dating” over the past few weeks. It’s genius. And we begin…

The frontrunner, Jillian, is first. Riding high off the most successful “meet the parents” visit in Bachelor history, she’s sitting pretty. But Jason has questions. Thus, I will call this Fantasy Date, “Jillian: Is There Romance?” The vignette begins with a chopper ride around the peaks and valleys of New Zealand. They share an afternoon of beautiful views and good times, but Jason is searching for more. Yeah, he likes her a whole lot. But does he love her? Is there something beyond friendship brewing here? Yes, of course there is! And she convinces him (with her requisite trembly voice) of this over dinner at a winery. “I have never, in my entire life, felt like somebody is more meant for me than you are,” says Jillian. And Jason melts. His true love has expressed her emotions, and the romance is there! Jason says “it’s possible I’m falling in love with her.” And we know it’s true when the H.O.T. tub scene follows. Um…was it just me, or was this about as X-rated as The Bachelor as ever been? I’m talking pelvis-to-pelvis, leg-wrapping-around-bumping-and-grinding-and-moaning hot tub ACTION folks. It was H.O.T. with a capital H.O.T. I think we can safely assume they boned here.

The next day, feathers ruffled a bit from the night before, Jason meets the other top contender for his love, Molly. While she isn’t looking her cutest in an oversized brown sleeveless cable-knit cardigan, she is still her cute Midwestern self, and we love her. We’ll entitle this Fantasy Date, “Molly: Is there Depth?” Jason is longing for Molly to open up and dive into the relationship head first…and that is exactly what she does. They bungee jump, and dive head-first in to love. Awww. After the jumping extravaganza, they share a cup of coffee and Molly asks Jason a lengthy list of questions, which I thought was pretty cute. She delivered the questions in her typical quirky/smirky way, and it was cute. We now know that Jason prefers peanut butter chocolate ice cream (as do I). Thank goodness that was resolved. Later in the evening, they meet up for dinner. Molly is looking cute as can be in a dress and heels, and Jason wears a sweater and jeans. Um…you look underdressed and stupid, Jason. Pull it together. Jason probes Molly to see if she has any emotional depth, and she delivers! She admits to her guard being up, but she also admits to falling in love with him, and it actually looks believable. Sidenote: how classic that Jason pointed out that her family was distant and not emotional on the outside? Gotta love the Midwest! Then, in her Molly way, she shakes things up by asking Jason to spend the night with her, as opposed to waiting for the card from Chris. Amazing. They bone.

Lastly, Melissa the family-less wonder from Texas arrives to get third place. No one likes her, she isn’t as cute, and we’re just plain over it. I’ll entitle this Fantasy Date, “Melissa: Is there a Secret?” Seriously, Melissa, what was the deal with your ghost family? Why do they hate you? Why did you totally blow it on the hometown date? Why are you even here? Whatever. Jason meets her wearing a disastrous graphic polo-meets-tee-shirt two-for-one disaster, and it’s a mess. They share a beautiful boat ride on Winston Churchill’s old boat (what?) and he grills her about her family. I kind of tuned out at this point b/c I was more interested in the eye candy on my couch (and my dinner), but apparently she said the right things about her bizarre-o family, and she won him back. They share dinner, they share sex. They bone.

Wow…three-for-three on the To Bone or Not To Bone Challenge! Way to go Jason!

After the whirlwind week, Jason is left to contemplate his future. Luckily, he has three cheesy video messages from the girls to help him! Kidding. They’re dumb as always, and we’re over it. We’re simply left reaffirmed in our beliefs: Jillian and Molly are staying, and Melissa is going back to Texas to hang out with her “family” who hates her.

BUT WAIT.

Melissa not only arrives in a HEINOUS prom dress circa 1995, she gets a rose! Are you kidding me? She is hereby referred to as Devil in a Bad Dress. Shocker of the century (or, more like shocker of February 16, 2009, but whatever).

Jason gives roses to:
1) Melissa
2) Molly

And he sends Jillian back to the mythical land of Canada! Are we dying? I’m dying.

Sadly, Jillian jibber-jabbers as she leaves, but we love her all the same. Best of luck finding the man of your dreams in Canada, Jilly! We love you in America. She leaves the set, Jason cries knowing he made a mistake, and we all turn off the TV in disbelief.

Awards:
1) Most Canadian: Jillian
2) Worst dress: Melissa’s high school dance dress
3) Worst family: Melissa’s hateful family
4) Worst decision: keeping Melissa on.
5) Most from Grand Rapids: Molly

Until two weeks from now (I’m not blogging the Bitches Tell All episode, as I’ll be working on my tan South of the border!),

Mike