Lip-smacking goodness

So love still sucks. But we all move on, right?

This week’s episode always promises to be among the best of the season. Meeting the parents is always a big deal, and you never know what those crazies will throw at you. This season’s “hometown dates” episode provided ample opportunity to laugh at the idiocy that is humanity…so without further delay, I should go ahead and do that right now.

Our first hometown date keeps us right in the Southern California sun as we get to meet Shayne’s parents. Before I begin ripping them apart (just like their plastic surgeons do), I would like to thank Shayne’s parents for epitomizing everything everyone loathes about LA. They were plastic perfection, and I loved it! Oh, I’d also like to thank them for single-handedly keeping the plastic surgeons of Beverly Hills in business. But more on that later. And oh, there is so much to say…

Back to business. Matt and Shayne reunite at a restaurant in LA, and are soon joined by the incredibly famous Lorenzo Lamas…Shayne’s “famous” father (poor Shayne is a product of a broken home, so we must meet the ‘rents separately). Mr. Lamas looks like her brother. And yes, he is officially 50 (thank you IMDB). He also acts like her brother by blatantly throwing her under the bus as he states, “She wants to be an actress, but she wants to be a star more.” Amazing. It was so awkward. Her parents clearly held up the ideals of LA while raising her to value everything that matters: fame, blonde hair, and…fame? Basically Shayne’s dad is the personification of a douchebag, and I love it. Total DB.

And then we meet her mother. Oh. Mah. Gahhhhhhh. I would love to know how long it takes this woman to paint her face on each morning. From the pancake, to the sharpie—I mean—lip liner, to the hot pink lipstick to cover her collagen-infested smackers, it was all too much. And then there were her lumpy boobs. She was simply a vision, if by “vision” I mean hot tranny mess. Wait, maybe her mom is actually her dad. Was that Lorenzo Lamas under all that goop and blonde? Quite possibly. Shayne’s mom will be hereafter known as Lips McGee. Nothing in Ms. McGee’s house (or body) was real, and it was all too amazing. Her little sister, Dakotah (brilly), is a Shayne-in-the-making with blonde hair and dark roots just like Mom. It was all too much. Too much, I tell you! How Matt kept his composure is beyond me. Yet clearly Matt was duped by the fumes of the dye-jobs once again, because he totally likes her! Crazy. Never underestimate the power of a good agent/manager in Hollywood! Shayne has apparently signed a season-long deal with ABC! That’ll get her career going.

The next date finds Matt in Durango, Colorado with Chelsea. Honestly, I don’t remember anything about this date except Chelsea saying, “I don’t speak British.” She’s dumb. But her family’s condo has a nice view.

Matt stays in Colorado to visit the beautiful Noelle next. He meets up with her family in Loveland and they ride via horseback to picnic with her family. It’s Mom, Dad and two sisters. Noelle starts to open up to Matt, and they seem really cute together. The family was surprisingly normal and nice, so I just don’t have much to say. I know, bizarre. Well, Noelle was strikingly cuter than her sisters. Maybe that influenced Matt’s decision…

The last date was in Tallahassee, Florida, where Matt met up with Amanda. He goes to their house to meet her “parents,” and craziness ensues. I have no idea how Matt kept it together. Here’s the deal: Amanda hired actors to impersonate her parents, and they did a hell of a job being crazy people. Their marriage was a mess, the mom was a drunk (and a groper), and it was all too fun (and horrible) to watch. At one point, Amanda’s “mom” literally strokes Matt’s chest and kisses him on the lips all while exposing her ample cleavage. It was brilliant. Just as Matt looked like he was literally going to die, Amanda tells him the truth. Honestly, it was a bit awkward, but good for a laugh. Her real parents then come in, and the date is over. Literally, I don’t even remember what they looked like. So much for their 15 minutes of fame!

At the rose ceremony, Matt chooses:

1) Shayne
2) Amanda
3) Chelsea

Honestly, I was totally surprised to see Noelle go home. Matt basically told his sisters he was falling in love with her, and then he cans her. Sad. But kudos to Noelle, she had perhaps the most dignified exit of any bachelorette ever. No tears, honest words, very sweet.

Awards:
1) Hot Tranny Mess: Shayne’s plastic mom.
2) Best plastic surgery work: the doctors who molded Shayne’s mom and dad into what they are today! I think we’ve got some DaVincis on our hands, folks!
3) Quote of the year: “The higher your hopes, the further they fall.” – Noelle’s insight into break-ups. I’m totally remembering that one.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. Major props to Peth and Pustin Jaschal for hosting the viewing last night! I love their dog ‘Ilo.