Boys will be girls

It’s move-in day on The Bachelorette, and this season, the rules have changed. The boys will not be living in a lavish estate, rather, they have been relegated to the “guest house” down the hill from DeAnna’s mansion where they’ll be bunking like campmates. My favorite part? The outdoor shower. According to me, the guest house is a fun twist, and my opinion is the only one that matters. Here’s the juicy caveat: each week, three boys get to move in to the mansion with DeAnna. The first three lucky boys are Jeremy, Jesse and Richard (the recipients of last week’s first three roses). The rest of the boys tucked their tails between their legs, and did the “walk of shame” down to the guest house.

After the move-in is settled, we get underway with this episode’s three dates. The first group date is a night at the Magic Castle in Hollywood with Jason, Ryan, Twilley, Sean, Paul, Fred and Richard. It’s a night of magic tricks and disappearing acts, and Jason and DeAnna are the first to magically disappear. Unfortunately, their destination was the land of awkward and forced conversation, and I hated it. As each man had some one-on-one time with DeAnna, and all had a few tricks up their sleeves. Sean is wearing a horrific striped suit and is interrupted by a piano that mocks him. Twilley tells a story that lasts 82 hours and is later accused by the dudes of being “along for the ride” and of being “the least genuine” of all the guys by Ryan, the perfect virgin. Richard performs some magic of his own and gives DeAnna a paper flower. Paul, surprisingly, gets the rose after getting into a deep conversation about how he’s ready to settle. Come on. You’re 23. You’re also Canadian, so everything you say isn’t even real because your country is a mythical place. Simmer down.

The next date is a one-on-one with Graham, a.k.a. Hot As Hell. You can tell from the start that DeAnna has high expectations for their connection, and from the get-go, it just seems natural. No awkward conversations, no uncomfortable silence, just easy-breezy conversation and banter. I love it. He’s a doll and I’m dating him as soon as the season is over; he just doesn’t know it yet. DeAnna and Graham soon arrive to a secluded beach where they fly a kite (or try, at least), chat, and flirt some more. As the sun sets, DeAnna grills him about his past relationships and his intentions. This provides a bit of a revelation: is Graham the next Brad Womack? Is he a heartbreaker in the making? Is he ready to settle down? Graham certainly leaves a lot to the imagination as we just can’t quite pin down his motives. Oooh, the intrigue. Of course, everyone wants what they can’t have, so DeAnna totally wants him more even though she’s afraid she’ll get hurt. But, in the end, he reaffirms that he is in this for the right reasons, and they share a hot kiss. Clearly, he gets the rose. Sidenote: for the first time, I kind of liked DeAnna. Maybe she isn’t cold and aloof. Maybe, just maybe, she has a heart and true emotions.

Meanwhile, back at the manse, Twilley is waiting to catch DeAnna after her date with Graham in order to impress upon her his true intentions. DeAnna, in a post-Graham haze, saunters towards the mansion only to find Twilley waiting for her. In true Twilley fashion, he awkwardly tries to verbalize the fact that he is there for the right reasons, but it just comes out all wrong. Coupled with the fact that he waited for DeAnna like a stalker, and the whole scene was just a bit too much.

The last date was a day at the ballpark with Chris, Robert, Brian, Jesse, Ron, Jeremy and Eric. They all descend upon Dodger Stadium for a day of private baseball, which has to be every guy’s wet dream (I mean, every guy except for me who despised the boring game of baseball and spent the springs of his childhood picking dandelions in the outfield and waiting for the game to end so he could eat orange slices and juice boxes and the occasional chocolate pudding pop from the cool mom who brought good post-game treats. But I totally hit a few homers, too, so don’t think I wasn’t butch as hell). The guys arrive on the field and are greeted by Tommy Lasorda, and the wet dream only gets better. Lasorda gives a quick motivational speech, and the boys take their turns at the National Anthem. Hot tranny mess. Poor Chris was in the spotlight, but they all gave it a try, and they all sucked. Next the guys take their turn at the plate: each guy got 10 pitches, and the guy with the most homeruns won some time with DeAnna. Clearly the hottest guy won, and that was Jeremy. Fool knocked six homers out of the park. The next best dudes only hit two. Awesome. Jeremy divulges to DeAnna that both of his parents have passed away, and it’s totally emotional. Being a dude, he fights back tears, but you can tell he’s emotional about it. DeAnna feels like a douche for asking, but they totally connect. He eventually gets the rose. We also learn on this date that Brian is cute and fun (love me some salt and pepper hair), and Eric is boring and Greek.

On the night of the rose ceremony, the boys show up at the mansion and Jeremy greets them with “Welcome to our home.” The boys freak out and assume Jeremy is a pompous ass, and proceed to turn into big fat girls about the whole thing. Idiots. They’re just jealous, and Jeremy isn’t a dick. I’m serious. We made out last summer, and he’s totally nice. Jeremy then rubs salt in the girls’ wounds by spending more time with DeAnna. One push-up contest later, DeAnna chooses:

1) Paul
2) Graham
3) Jeremy
4) Ron
5) Jesse
6) Robert
7) Brian
8) Jason
9) Fred
10) Sean
11) Richard
12) Twilley

Goodbye to: Chris, Ryan and Eric the Greek.

Ryan tells us as he leaves that he was voted “Friendliest” in eighth grade. Awesome. So was I, fool. Northern Hills Middle School’s Friendliest eighth grader in 1994. You’re looking at him, and damn he looks good. Just because we’re friendly, Ryan, doesn’t mean we’ll marry DeAnna Pappas.

Awards:
1) Heartbreaker: Graham
2) Drama Queens: all the boys
3) Front-runner: Jeremy, by a long-shot
4) Worst fashion choices (Untied ties? Seriously?): Graham and Twilley

Until next week,

Mike