Things just don't go my way.

After a rough-and-tumble few months in the love department, my heart has been broken again. ABC, I’m so pissed at you. You’ve gone ahead and guaranteed another failed match on The Bachelor. At least this time we won’t be duped into thinking they’ll actually work out. (Trying to spin this positively here.)

And on to the genius that is The Bachelor: London Calling…

The episode begins in London, where the two remaining girls arrive to meet Matt and the Grant family, who are clearly quite well off. The first American to arrive is Chelsea, surely the inevitable winner of this season. He loves her, it’s obvious. After taking in a few London sights, the lovebirds arrive to the Grant family home. They are greeted by brother Simon, mom Trish, and dad Tony. Clearly Matt was the recipient of the hot genes. The mom was cute, the dad was mute, and the brother seemed fun. Kudos to dad for pulling off a turtleneck and blazer. The date wasn’t too eventful, but the family definitely took a liking to Chelsea. Her mom fulfilled every Brit’s duty by saying “lovely” on like 82 occasions. Lovely.

Next, the blonde bimbo arrives to London. This is Shayne’s first trip across the pond, and she thoroughly enjoys it. Clearly her parents were too busy being nipped and tucked to take their daughters on vacation…but that’s LA for you. After Matt babysits her through some London highlights, they arrive to the Grant home and the reaction is inevitable. Is she for real? Does Matt really like her? Simon seems to possess the same “honesty gene” as Matt, and fully admits to Shayne that he judged her upon meeting her. Amazing. Dad once again wears a turtleneck and blazer, but this time he says something! He asks Shayne how old she is, to which she responds, “12.” Right on. Couldn’t be more true. The inevitable “Monkey” is stated, and the two part ways. It’s so going to be Chelsea.

Back in Barbados, we have our final two dates before judgment day. Chelsea is first up to the plate once again. The lovers helicopter around the island, totally bone on the beach, and share one final night together before they become engaged. Chelsea gives Matt a “California Survival Kit” as a present, and it’s cute. She fully opens up and they confess to falling in love with each other. So sweet. So in love. So ending up together.

Shayne is up next, and Matt is less than thrilled to see her. But he powers through the date, as they parasail in the waters of Barbados. At night, Shayne gives Matt the requisite gift for the last night. It’s a picture of her on the beach with “I love you” inscribed in the sand. He doesn’t respond with an “I love you” back, rather, upon prodding, says, “Without doubt, I’m falling in love with you too.” Weak. Clearly he’s just saying what he thinks he should say, and none of us believe it. Thank goodness, because I don’t know if I could handle it if they ended up together. I mean, barf.

And then they end up together.

The big moment arrives and Chelsea shows up first. Her dress isn’t that cute, but whatever. From the first words, I can tell Matt is breaking up with her. Vomit. I honestly did not need this mess this season. My heart is already broken; I didn’t need the television to kick me while I was already down. Amazing. I hate everyone.

Chelsea kind of blows it near the end when she says of Shayne, “She was the fakest one here.” Matt seemed a bit peeved by this, and they say their goodbyes. Chelsea is pissed. Goodbye forever.

Next, Shayne arrives looking pretty cute in a little yellow number with sequins. The babydoll dress is fitting for a baby. I tuned most of Matt’s speech out until he said this dream of a line: “Monkey, will you marry me?” Shayne, busting out her best (not good) acting chops, reacts with pure emotion, her knees buckle, and she accepts. Vomit. Barf. Spew.

But back to the positive note here: at least we know they won’t last.

Until next Monday,

Mike

Next Monday: The Bachelorette is back! Finally, lots of shirtless men and man drama. It’s been far too long. DeAnna still sucks, though.