Lucky Number 13?

Lovers, Friends, Foes,

It's the 13th season of this holy mess, and I'm just SURE that it will be a success! I'm also sure that hell will freeze over, pigs will fly, and I will someday be happily married to a woman.

A disclaimer to begin: in case you have forgotten, I am famous. Fame leads to many distractions. My schedule is packed, I am constantly pulled in 82 directions, and I cannot always fully commit to two full hours of horrible, vomit-inducing television...especially when it's the 13th go-around of the same trainwreck we've come to know and "love." So forgive me for not being as avid a note-taker during this episode. I was otherwise engaged and my attention was being vied for by a ridiculously good-looking man, and a woman with a great rack. What was a boy to do? Ignore them for silly TV? The answer is, quite simply, duh. Let's get this effing mess started.

The show begins with the much-expected montage of poor Jason's life to date. He loved, he lost, he loved again, he lost again, he has a kid who got conspicuously less cute in six months, and he goes to the gym shirtless with cameras following him. That's pretty much his bio in one poorly-written sentence. Oh, that and he's a raging gooby loser who makes me turn from the television in horror multiple times an episode. Before I continue, how tall do we really think Jason is? 5'6''? He's pint-sized and over-tanned. Still boneable, yes, but mini all the same.

Then, the bitches descend upon our newly-ready-to-love Jason and the fun begins. Requisite crazies arrive pontificating on hot dogs and their relation to husband material, vision boards and MySpace stalking, but would we expect any less? No...these ABC producers have this formula down to a science, and it reels us in season after season times 13.

Naturally, there is a new "twist" this season. The hoes get to vote on a fellow ho to send home by submitting their votes in a secret ballot box. The BBI (Ballot Box Initiative) was a raging success. Megan was voted "off" by her counterparts, but got a rose anyway for her troubles! The two runners-up were also notified of their status, which is brilliant. It's like an animosity-intensifier, and I love it! Much-hated Megan gets to live with the bitches that voted her off, and the ill will will fester throughout the season. Kudos ABC, kudos.

We get to know the girls a bit as they throw themselves at Jason. My least favorite, Renee, basically gives a stump speech for "The Secret" as she explains the energy in the universe and her vision boards on which she envisions her life with Jason. Barf. She also can't seem to stand up straight. Get some confidence woman. There are single moms as well, which was a big fat yawn and so expected.

At the end, there were 15 lovely ladies still standing.
Lauren
Kari
Naomi
Natalie - Sorry about your bad dye job.
Molly
Jillian
Stephanie - Is she 50? How much work has she had done? Brilliant.
Melissa
Shannon
Nikki - a.k.a. Tits McGee
Lisa
Sharon - Next time you might want to do your hair for national television.
Erica
Megan
Raquel

Clearly, Obamamania did not make it to the Bachelor. Where's the black one? And why are there so few blondes?

Tonight's awards:
1) Visionary Award: Renee. Best of luck with your vision boards. Try to envision a life with good posture and a little less crazy.
2) Reality Award: Jason. Because everyone in Seattle works out at the gym shirtless.
3) Over it Award: Me. This show is dumb.

Until next week,

Mike