The Finale

It’s do or die time in Bachelorette-land as DeAnna is down to the final two. Which “J” will she choose? Mr. Perfect or Mr. Could Maybe One Day Be Perfect But He’s Still a Child? Only time will tell. And time we had…good lord ABC devoted it’s entire primetime 8-11 p.m. programming slot to this mess. Luckily I stayed awake for all of it, and I’m here to report on the results of this season’s destined-to-fail love connection (I awoke yesterday at 3:20 a.m. EST in order to catch my private jet back to Manhattan after a fun-and-sun-filled weekend at my family’s private estate on the blue waters of Michigan). Reminder: I’m famous.

The marathon episode began in the outskirts of Atlanta with the remaining boys visiting DeAnna and her family in their hometown of Newnan (since when is a town 50 miles outside of Atlanta actually “Atlanta”?? According to Google Maps, it’s closer to the damn Alabama border than it is to Atlanta!). Jason is first to arrive to DeAnna’s “lovely” little home where he showers them with flowers, gifts, and his requisite charm and adorableness. He’s definitely a bit overzealous in his efforts to convince them that he’s for real, but we love him anyway. Who could resist that face? That body? That stubble? Clearly I cannot, and I’m arranging a meet-and-greet for the two of us in the very near future, thankyouverymuch. Jason asks Mr. Pappas for his daughter’s hand in marriage, like any good boy should, and Daddy is flattered and enamored with Jason. They all are. Well, except for her brother, who doesn’t seem so good with the words. His “I liked him” wasn’t very convincing. But on to the next man.

Jesse, nervous and jittery, arrives next. The family really puts it to him with the hard questions. So you’re a snowboarder? Great. How will you provide for DeAnna? What are your plans? How much money do you really make? ABC didn’t really show us much, though, between Jesse and the Pappas family. We’re left to wonder how the meeting really went. Great editing, ABC.

After the first dates, Daddy Pappas is convinced Jason is more heartfelt and he wonders if Jesse is in the same place as DeAnna.

Next, the two boys get to meet the Big Fat Extended Greek Family at Dad’s house. Jesse arrives first, only to be immediately interrupted by Jason’s arrival. Wait…amazing. The two guys have to spend the day with the entire family and DeAnna together! Totally loving the awkwardness of it all. Jason charms them all with his above-mentioned qualities, and Jesse “nugs” (fist punches, like snowboarders do) the family. He teaches Grandma and Grandpa (Zsa Zsa and Zu Zu??) how to nug, and it’s a bit odd. Jesse finds some time to ask Mr. Pappas for DeAnna’s hand in marriage (you know the directors put him up to it!), and he obliges. Then everyone does shots of Ouzo and the boys go home.

The family reiterates their feelings: is Jesse ready? But, sister-in-law brings up a good point as well: is Jason too settled? Will DeAnna “fast-forward” her life if she chooses Jason? Only time will tell. And we had a whole hour left to find out.

Back in the Bahamas, DeAnna prepares herself to meet with the scorned Jeremy, who is an emotional basketcase. He comes back looking for answers, trying to explain himself, and, well, gets nowhere. DeAnna breaks down and tells him that he’s everything she was looking for (not fair), but she’s in love with other people. Then she sends him packing. Goodbye Jeremy, forever. Call me.

DeAnna soon gets back to reality (if by “reality” you mean a fake life planned and styled by ABC designed to feign romance and love in what will inevitably be a failed relationship) and has her final dates with the two suitors. Jesse is first this time, and the two fly on a seaplane to a deserted island where they frolick and make out in the ocean, an activity I would like to hereafter coin as “sea-boning.” After the sea-boning, the lovers go back for their last romantic night together during which Jesse gives her a cute book of thoughts and tells her he loves her. Really? I’m not convinced. If he had to choose between his rad snowboard and DeAnna, I’m thinking he’d go with the board.

Jason is up next, and he excitedly accompanies her on a scuba diving trip. DeAnna tells him they’ll be scuba diving with sharks, and Jason responds to the camera with what was my favorite quote of the night: “Sharks and people aren’t supposed to hang out together.” Regardless, Jason enthusiastically dives with DeAnna and shows his adventurous side—something DeAnna needed to see in order to convince them that he really is the one. He did, and he is. We love Jason. DeAnna definitely seems more comfortable with him on their date. At night, Jason gives her a homemade board game of their relationship. It’s really cute. I would die if someone did that for me (future husband, are you listening?). He tells her he loves her, they make out, they say goodbye.

Okay, disclaimer. I am now officially in love with Jason. Like 100% want him right now. Readers, seriously. Set me up with him or his clone. He is my type to a “T.” Except for the straight, formerly-married, single father part…but whatever.

Next we get the morning-of-the-rose-ceremony montage of the three waking up, contemplating their futures (men are shirtless of course), strolling on the beach while deep in thought, et cetera. Blah blah blah.

The guys then pick out rings. Jason confidently chooses one (which I thought was ugly, sadly). Jesse, however, freaks out and nearly keels over and barfs prior to choosing a ring. Is it love? Ehh…I err on the side of fear. But whatever. The men each cry before the rose ceremony because they’re so in love, and then it’s time.

DeAnna arrives looking pretty cute, if I must say. My favorite was her arrival and stroll to the rose altar (it’s an altar of sorts, right?) while being whipped by the wind. ABC conveniently edited her lower portion out during the walk, as you could see far too much of her business for comfort!

Jason, looking cute in a navy suit with blue shirt and orange (Georgia peach) tie, arrives first. His package looks fantastic as he walks to meet DeAnna, and the lovers embrace. Jason gets down on one knee so he can espouse his love for DeAnna, but is promptly cut off by a “No, I can’t.” DeAnna doesn’t let him get far at all (besides letting him get down on one knee!!), and cuts him out of her life with three words. I’m crushed!! (I mean, he’s available for me now, but whatever). So sad! It’s awful. He reacts stoically and doesn’t shed a tear in front of her. Our hearts are breaking along with his because he’s just so genuine and cute (and his rockin’ hot bod doesn’t hurt either). Clearly we know who the next Bachelor is going to be!

Jesse arrives next and practically runs to DeAnna. Wait…have I ever commented on how short he is? He’s shorter than our beloved Chris Harrison, and possibly shorter than DeAnna. Seriously? What is he, 4’9’’? Regardless, he proposes by saying, “will you spend forever with me?” (cute, I must admit). And DeAnna accepts. They embrace, it seems forced, and it’s over. Best of luck.

I’m totally not convinced. Especially after seeing how gooby and gross they were on the After the Final Rose special. The audience clearly favors cute Jason, and so do I. Oh well…apparently DeAnna and Jesse are getting married on May 9, 2008. I’ll offer to sing at the ceremony, but I’m doubting they make it that long.

But again, best of luck. I wonder if DeAnna will move to Breckenridge and become a professional snowboard waxer…

Until next season,

Mike