The Most Dramatic Finale EVER

Ladies and gentleladies, the Bachelor Finale has arrived, and I'll give you one guess which kind of rose ceremony it is. Yes, you guessed it: The Most Dramatic Final Rose Ceremony Ever. So I put on my fluffy robe, sit down in my plush chair, turn on the flatscreen TV, take a sip of my wine, enjoy my view of the lovely Milwaukee skyline (here for a photo shoot staying at a killer new hotel…and yes, “photo shoot” and “Milwaukee” are in the same sentence), and tune in to the eight-hour saga that the Bachelor Finale has become.

Before I begin, quick poll: who is dying with anticipation as they begin to watch? Even though this show blows massive goats, I’m still sucked in and all a-twitter (no, not the website) about this.

Okay, on to the show. It’s the battle of M v. M. Melissa versus Molly. We’re still in New Zealand, because it’s pretty and far from reality. Just like this show.

Chugga chugga choo choo. Can you hear it? It’s a train wreck, and it’s coming our way.

After a forced tearful reunification of Dad and Ty, Melissa is first on the scene. Bit of a surprise here as Melissa isn’t ragingly uncomfortable or awkward with Ty. She’s cute and pretty natural. It’s annoying because Melissa sucks.

After some play time that involves a goat (um???) Melissa and Jason go to meet Jason’s family. Melissa sells herself to the family. His parents are weirded out that he hasn’t met her parents, so they grill her. Melissa pretends like her family is close-knit; we clearly don’t believe it. They’re heartless and cold and they hate their daughter and we all know it. Next, Jason’s brothers question Melissa, and I’m slightly obsessed with their quizzical and cynical looks as she says how ready she is for a life with Jason. It’s brilliant. After the family pretty much approves of Melissa, she’s sent packing. Jason admits (to the camera) that he’s falling in love with her. End scene.

Molly is next. Ty and Melissa really hit it off; can Molly establish the same connection? I feel like she should, because not only is she from my hometown, but she also works in Milwaukee and I’m here right now. So basically, she has to win. She arrives, and you can tell she is super nervous. She’s definitely going to blow it. Ty hates her when she arrives and doesn’t say hi or pay any attention to her. It’s awesome. And then, inevitably, he starts to like her. I think he was more in to the kite, but Molly was there so she got the love that was aimed at the kite. Sidenote: why is Ty wearing a royal blue longsleeve shirt under a navy polo? Not cute. In the end, Molly ends up being pretty cute with Ty, and things are good.

Next, it’s meet-the-family time. Molly is predictably a little more personable than Melissa, and she’s cute and engaging. His brothers are the first to question Molly, and it’s pretty cute and casual. Dad is impressed with Molly as well, and he remarks that she seems “grounded.” While Mom and Molly chat, his siblings sit down with him and they’re completely sold on Molly. They see that Molly is in love with him, and they love her too. Jason is overwhelmed, and sits down on the grass with Mom and cries about it. He’s a mess. PYT Jason, pull yourself together.

Okay, after date one, let’s be honest: neither of these chicks is the one.

Before the second date, Melissa talks to her hater parents. They agree to talk to Jason on the phone. Like that solves the problem of her parents sucking?

The two begin their last date together on a boat on a rainy day. The rain is rather fortuitous if Seattle is to be Melissa’s destiny…but is it? The two make the most of the dumpy day by swimming in the freezing cold water…soon followed by a steamy shower scene and cuddling. Like we didn’t know that was coming. Later that evening, Melissa and Jason share a romantic night by the fire. Melissa tells Jason that her parents want to talk to him, and then she tells him she loves him and blah blah blah. Jason says in response, “I’ve never felt this way either.” Well DUH. How many times have you been on the precipice of proposing to two chicks who are in love with you? Great response, Captain Diplomat. And where was the phone call with the parents??

On another rainy day, Molly and Jason spend their last day together. Molly takes control of the day, and brings Jason back to her place for a massage. Molly mounts up on Jason and massages him…back AND front…and I’m just saying that the frontal massage was pretty hot and heavy. She cooks him dinner next, because that’s what wives do. Molly opens up to Jason and starts crying as she tells him how in love with him she is. “It’s insane, so awesome.” Well put Molly, well put. Next, Molly gives Jason “A Fairytale Love Story,” a book she put together for him. He tells her, “You know I’m falling for you.” Um…how long do you think he rehearses his “I don’t love you yet” lines?? They’re brilliant.

The next morning, Jason makes the call to Melissa’s parents.

AND THEN…DeAnna is back!!!! Are we surprised?

Jason tells DeAnna that he’s choosing between the one who has it all, and the “wild card.” DeAnna says that she chose the wild card, and it didn’t work out. She makes her final plea in her oh-so-unemotional way: “You haven’t proposed yet; you still have the chance.” Jason totally disses her…and he FINALLY gets his revenge. And as she leaves, she tells him, in so many words, to choose Melissa.

FYI, I hope that you’re all following along during the commercial breaks to what is going to happen during the “After the Final Rose” episode. I’m absolutely loving it.

The melodramatic recap/montage pre-rose ceremony is awesome and dumb all at the same time. Tears, bad dresses, platitudes galore. It’s all so great…and so predictable. And it’s time…

The first poorly-clad finalist arrives: Molly. He’s so going to break up with her. You can just tell in his stupid eyes. As soon as he drops the word “amazing,” you know it’s over. Please…what a joke. And then…surprise!! He breaks up with her. I love her for retorting with a calm and steady, “I think you’ve made a mistake…a big one.” Awesome. Soon followed by, “I think you’re going to end up hurt again.” Ooh…I love her more now than I ever have! No drama, just truth. That one bit hard. Goodbye forever (???), Jason.

Molly drives away into Never Never Land, and Jason cries like a three-year-old. He SO knows he took the safe, boring route.

Melissa shows up next in a dumb dress. I’m sure she’s totally excited to get proposed to only to get broken up with. Who wouldn’t be? Then he proposes. After she screams like an idiot, he proposes. Barf. It’s so disingenuous. Best of luck with your break-up.

Sidenote: what if her parents are like Nazi-sympathizing anti-Seattle-ites? That would suck.

But wait…who cares? “After The Final Rose” comes on right after! Unless you’re dumb, you know what’s coming.

In front of…no audience…Jason comes right on stage to tell us that it’s over with Melissa and he’s still in love with Molly. It’s UN.BE.LIEV.ABLE!!!!! This show has mastered a formula for DISASTER. And this, folks, is why I remain committed to this work of art. It’s television GENIUS. Even before the trashy rag mag covers and press junkets, this relationship has already dissolved. It’s record timing this go around. Jason has proven he is a joke, and a big fat mess. I can’t wait for Jason and Molly to get engaged and then to break up!

But first, Melissa joins Jason on stage for the official break-up. I mean, this is a mess. Jason is a D-bag and I hate him. I don’t love Melissa, but please, this is a tragedy. Jason tells her how things are different, how the chemistry and changed, and how they’re not right for each other. She fights back perfectly, because you can totally tell that he has withdrawn and not discussed it with her. He then tells her that he has feelings for Molly. She says, “You don’t want to fight for Melissa. Because you’re having doubts over someone you already said goodbye to.” As he explains, she mutters, “You’re such a bastard.” Brilliant! She is PISSED. Work it, child. And in a way only ABC execs could script, she hands Jason the ring and there is a commercial break.

They say goodbye on national television with a, “Goodbye. Don’t call me. I don’t want to talk to you.” Great line, Melissa. But let’s face the truth: her parents are SO GLAD they didn’t meet him on TV. She leaves us with a dignified soliloquy in the limo.

Next, an unknowing Molly joins Jason on stage. Um…she looks like a lion with her disastrous hair. She’s still upset and hurt, but is completely dumbstruck when Jason tells her that he’s still in to her and that he’s done with Melissa. Utterly dumbstruck. I feel like she fell out of love with him as he sat there talking to her, and telling her he still wanted her. And then he hesitated when Chris asked him if he was still in love with her. Seriously?? D-bag central. But Molly totally takes Jason back, and they completely make out on stage five minutes after he ended his engagement. Best of luck with your life together, Molly and Jason. I give it until May. No...April.

Tonight’s awards:

1) Most horrific-slash-amazing Bachelor break-up ever: Tonight’s break-up on national television, Jason versus Melissa.
2) Most dramatic “After The Final Rose Ever”: Tonight’s. ABC finally got one of their “most dramatic” predictions correct!
3) Biggest waste of three hours: Tonight.
4) The stop searching for love award: Jason. Raise your kid and move on with your life.

Ewww…I feel sick. The fact that they kissed and she’s totally in to him again is vomit-inducing. I’m done.

For ABC, I have a proposal:

I’ve decided the next Bachelorette should be my prosti-slut neighbor, Laura (is that her name?). She sucks. She’s 22, her dad pays her rent, she speaks at a volume any blue-hair could hear from miles away, she wears brick shoes, she listens to the same four songs on repeat at high volume, and she dabbles in exotic dancing and prostitution. Did I mention she sucks? And that she’s an illegal subletter? And that she ruins my life every day? She sounds like a dream, right?!? ABC, please send her to LA for four months to meet the guy she’ll break up with! Please! My sleep depends on it.

Until next (please no!) season,

Mike

p.s. Thank Baby Jesus I no longer have to be the first gay Bachelor.