Homeward-bound

So we’ve got four chicks left, and four hometown dates between them and the trip of their lifetime—a jaunt to New Zealand with a short single dad. We’re homeward-bound this week, folks, and we know what that means: a whole lotta crazy is in store for us. Before I begin, let me refresh our collective memory on the remaining bimbos: Jillian, Molly, Melissa and Naomi. Two suck, two rock, who will be the last b*tch standing?

Our first trip home is to the mythical land of Canadia. Kelowna, British Columbia, in fact. Wait…who lives in Canada? Jillian does, duh. Sidenote: $50 to the first person to name the Canadian Prime Minister without Googling it. Anyways, back to business. Apparently Canada is pretty in the Fall. Jillian shows Jason the lake on which she spent her childhoods. She also opens up about her mom’s battle with depression. Jason is touched, they definitely like each other. They soon head to her house, where her family literally embraces Jason with the Canadian flag. Pretty funny. Her dad is a gem, her mom is cute, sister’s sexy…this hometown visit wins! There wasn’t a hint of awkwardness, and we’re excited that Jason just met his future ex-in-laws. Oh, and the grandma was cute too. But seriously, this has to go down in Bachelor history as one of the better hometown dates ever. We love Jillian, even though she says a-GAIN (again).

After the glorious visit to the north…he continues his trek above the Mason-Dixon line, and heads to Grand Rapids, Michigan (my hometown, in case any of you DARED forget) to visit Molly, the other frontrunner. It’s basically paradise. The prettiest place on earth, with a cute country club to boot! Get this: I spent every summer of my life setting records at the pool at the country club where they played golf. Just sayin’…

Molly and Jason reunite at the country club and play a round of golf. They then head to Molly’s parents’ house to meet the mom, the dad, and the sister and husband. The mom pulls out some funny tricks and embarrasses her daughter and Jason by making them wear hats. The dad is a mute who can’t carry a conversation with his daughter, but we’ll look beyond that. Jason is then forced to draw a picture of Molly, which wasn’t THAT bad, but was also quite heinous. Mom’s quirky antics aside, this hometown visit was fine and she’s still in the running. And Grand Rapids, the shining jewel of the Midwest, looked fantastic!

After two good hometown dates, we all know what’s coming: the bad one. Jason descends on California to meet Naomi and her family. Within the first hour at home, the mom initiates a hula hoop contest and a burial of a white dove she killed while driving. Yes, you read that correctly. Jason and family bury a dead bird in the backyard, and Jason is forced to eulogize the mangy thing. Gross, weird, disgusting. Also gross? The fact that this bird was kept in the refrigerator in a brown bag prior to the ceremonial burial. (I also love how the crazy mom comes with the requisite gray, streaky hair that all earth mothers have.) Jason is horrified. His horror continues when the distant dad starts evangelizing about Jesus. It’s awesome…total classic Bachelor fodder, and I’m loving it! Naomi talks to her dad next, and flat-out tells him that she doesn’t care if Jason isn’t a Jesus-seeker. It’s awkward and uncomfortable because we can clearly tell she has no relationship with her father at all. Combine the disastrous family with the fact that Naomi just plain sucks (and totally isn’t ready to settle and/or be a mom) and this dark-skinned beauty with an underbite is a goner.

Finally, Jason gets to meet Melissa’s family in Dallas (what Bachelor would be complete without a visit to Texas??). CUE THE RECORD-SCRATCH SOUNDBITE! Just kidding, Melissa’s family is too “private” to meet Melissa’s suitor in a televised event, so Jason is stuck having dinner with two of Melissa’s friends and their husbands and kids. Awesome. You know she had to cull through her Rolodex (even though no one has a Rolodex…it just sounded good) to find her married friends, as opposed to her single friends in order to convince Jason that’s she’s ready to marry. It’s amazing. It’s also completely uneventful. Jason spends some time with her two girlfriends, who admit they totally don’t know Melissa’s parents. Wait…does Melissa even have parents? I guess that remains to be seen. Rather bizarre all around, and we’re left to wonder: will Jason drop this mess and keep Naomi around, or is Melissa worth keeping on because she sucks less than Naomi?

To be honest, I thought Melissa seemed a bit more “real” in this episode, and I like her a little more. Clearly not as much as Jillian or Molly, but whatever.

Back in Seattle, Chris and Jason catch up in order to stretch the show to a full two hours. Ugh…

Jason expresses his concern for…well…ALL of the girls. Are they ready? Can they really envision a life with a single dad? Can they live with him in his house in Seattle which is SO OBVIOUSLY not the house on the water that ABC rented for him so it looks like he’s loaded? Clearly Jason is a “fixer” and he goes for the young, helpless chicks. Disaster.

At the Rose Ceremony (a.k.a. the Return of the Heinous Striped Shirt/Tie Combo), we’re treated to more bad fashion and one broken heart.

He chooses:
1) Molly
2) Jillian
3) Melissa

No surprises that Naomi is sent packing. Best of luck in Crazytown.

Awards:
1) Best hometown: Grand Rapids, MI
2) Loony Tunes family: Naomi’s
3) Worst shoes at rose ceremony: Naomi’s gold gladiator deals that tied up her chubby legs.
4) Worst fashion consultant: The stylist dressing Jason. The loud striped shirt is NEVER cute. Thanks. Keep that in 2002 where it belongs.

Until next week,

Mike