Cirque de So Gay

Lovers and friends,

Since I last posted, New York has seen a dreaded 18+ MORE inches of snow, and another solid week of boot-wearing. (My duck boots look fantastic, by the way.) While we brace for the next winter storm coming tonight through Wednesday (which NBC's Ann Curry histrionically dubbed perhaps "the biggest winter storm in history"), I took it upon myself to enjoy half-off bottles of wine prior to this evening's viewing in order to mute the impending drama of The Best Show on Television. Thank god for the sensory-deprivation brought on by alcohol.

So we're done with the luxury of LA and we're flying east to the sin of Vegas as tonight's episode marks the end of the glamorous life in the hills of Hollywood and we slowly but surely move to the sin of the desert and beyond. While I will never understand the lure to and love of Vegas, we find ourselves here once again, for the 82nd season in a row. Why these trannies freak out about this plastic manufactured non-city is beyond me, but they do. Maybe it has something to do with Brad's plastic and manufactured non-personality. Or the fact that they're all strippers in the making, but I digress...

The 11 remaining ladies arrive to the Aria Las Vegas to begin a week of a one-on-one date, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one date in which one is guaranteed a flight home. The lovers are greeted by Brad and escorted to their lovely corner suite overlooking the desert and urban sprawl that is America's Worst City, and they greet it with expected gasps and glee. I barf, take another sip of wine, and brace myself for the night ahead.

The one-on-one date goes to Shawntel, the resident Funeral Director, because every group of women needs to have one funeral director, right? The date begins with every woman's dream: an all expenses-paid shopping spree in one of the country's biggest malls. Granted, I would die of horror because I hate malls, but Shawntel and Brad eat it up and spend ABC's hard-earned money at Prada, Fendi, Bally, et cetera. [Sidenote: has anyone else noticed Brad's un-tame-able cowlick? It's hilarious. He's like Dennis the Menace with biceps and nothing of worth to say.] Needless to say, Shawntel ends her afternoon with a hell of a lot more loot than she started with, and it's on to the evening portion of the date (after pissing all the girls off by bragging about her newfound fashion, of course). Part two takes place on a rooftop overlooking Vegas where Shawntel tells Bromack all about her "passion" that is funeral directing and embalming cadavers. You know, normal first date talk. Even through the ins and outs of the "vein drain" and other morbid stats, Shawntel walks away with a rose. Do they have a connection, or is Brad just scared she'll embalm him? Not sure.

Date two is the group date, which takes place at the racetrack. Great. Good thinking, Brad. Make sure the only date that has to do with NASCAR is the date on which you bring the chick (Emily) whose dead husband is a former NASCAR racer who died en route to a race. Awesome. Oh...what's that? You didn't think about that before you planned the date? Well, we're not surprised, since you don't actually have a brain. But if you did (you know, for the next time, after you fail to propose AGAIN), try not to make the same mistake twice. So Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt and Michelle join Brad for some race-car-driving action. Brad quickly notices that Emily is uncomfortable, at which point Emily tells Brad about her dead husband's NASCAR past. Ooops. Awkward. Let's be honest: Brad's reaction to this is classic and awesome. By that I mean that he is totally weird and unemotional. Super.

Later, we end the group date in bathing suits (because all group dates need to end near some sort of pool), or as this portion of the date should be titled: The Brad Gun Show. Holy sh*t, did everyone notice the gratuitous shots in each and every scene of Brad's humongo arms? Crazy. Anyways, Alli freaks out because Emily has had too much one-on-one time and she's pissed that she lacks a sob story and a dead husband. Chantal cries to Brad too. Michelle whisks Brad away in her usual slut-meets-freakshow manner, and they make out in a poolside cabana. But at the end of the night, Emily gets the rose because her story is the saddest. So there.

The last date is the two-on-one between Ashley S. and Ashley H. Oh, the drama. Two best friends forced to compete head-to-head over Bromack. They quickly go backstage to one of Vegas's "biggest shows," Cirque de Soleil, Elvis style! They jump right in to rehearsals, during which Ashley H. is the clear performer. We soon learn that Brad and only one of the two Ashleys will be performing in the actual show, suspended in the air to Elvis's "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" (why yes, why do you ask?). The awkward crotch-hugging situation with Brad's harness was awesome, by the way. Who will he choose to perform with?

We quickly cut to dinner where Brad makes his choice. Ashley you're great. And you, Ashley? You're great too. But, I choose you: Ashley H. In his words, "Ashley S., I think you will make an extraordinary wife. I don't think you'll make an extraordinary wife for me." Way harsh, Ty. And the rose goes to Ashley H. I would have preferred way more drama here, but whatever. Couldn't they have fought over Brad a little more and dismantled a friendship by doing so? Ugh...and then we had to see Ashley S's fake tears as she cried her way off the show. Couldn't they have at least given her fake tears so we believed she was sad? And then Brad goes back to Ashley H. to kiss her. And horribly perform in Cirque de Soleil. Did everyone see Brad's eye makeup? I literally died. He was like one mascara stroke away from a gay glowstick-wielding club kid (especially with those Army fatigues!). We're talking Cirque de So Gay. And kudos to the directors for scoring Brad and Ashley H's performance to "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" to Ashley S's car ride home. AWESOME!

Back at the rose ceremony, Brad has his weekly consult with his therapist. Is this going to be a new segment in every season, or is this just because Brad has a bad track record and lacks a thought process? Brad soon arrives to the lady-suite, where Chantal is the first to accost him. Brad said, "You have to stop giving me so much crap." It was awesome. Then Brad made Alli "feel special" by serving her champagne and dessert. It was actually sweet, although he did that because she called him out on it on the group date. So...eh...not sure.

Then Cray-Cray Michelle takes him to the bedroom (in her zebra-print mini-dress and far too much makeup) and tells him not to speak, while she tells him how she's "different" from all the other girls, and it's "time to send some girls home." Yup, she's completely crazy. And Brad is scared.

And the roses go to:

1) Shawntel

2) Emily

3) Ashley H.

4) Michelle

5) Alli

6) Britt

7) Jackie

8) Chantal

Byeee: Ashley S., Marissa, Lisa (excuse me, who are you?)

Awards:

1) W.T.: Michelle

2) Frontrunner: Emily

3) Best harness moment: Brad's business in his suspension harness at Cirque.

Until next week,

Mike

From Sundance to Slumdance

Having landed just hours ago from Sundance, I was very excited to transition from the nation's hottest film festival, ripe with rising stars and stunning cinema, to the nation's most horrible show, ripe with blank stares and stunning idiocy. Yes, just as the flight was a bit turbulent, the transition from film to failure has been a bit bumpy. Oh, Bromack, thanks for reminding me that you are NOT an actor and I am back in reality. Just yesterday I was rubbing elbows and sipping wine with Patrick Wilson and Adrien Grenier...today I guzzle wine sans celebs and jet-laggedly fast-forward through painful TV. While being famous is...well...famous, coming back to reality is sobering indeed. Even when you're drunk on wine. Talk about going from Sundance to Slumdance. Here goes...

Tonight, we join Brainless Bromack on three dates. But first, Michelle wakes up with an inexplicable black eye. Has her ego clocked her across the face? Did the girls gang up on her in her sleep and beat her into a pulp? Who cares. All I know is I am loving the fact that she's got a shiner. What's better? She says, "I am gonna have Brad kiss my eye." Yup, she's crazy.

The first date is a one-on-one with Chantal O. The lovebirds are whisked away via helicopter to a cloudy Catalina Island. Chantal freaks about getting in the water, but she takes the plunge (literally) for Brad. They look like aliens in their sea-bed-walking gear, but they hang out underwater and even butt their heads to fake kiss. Horrible. They finish up with drinks, dinner and kissing on the beach. Brad is falling for her and he feels like he can be himself with Chantal. Awww...now Chantal and every other girl has heard the same thing. So sweet.

Meanwhile, back at the manse: Michelle has her hourly freak out and cry session. We don't care.

Back to Bromack and Chantal. They kiss more...it seems fine...whatever. She gets a rose. Is this season boring as hell?

The second date is the group clustermess. Nine girls and Brad go to the radio taping of "Loveline" with Mike and Dr. Drew (who is Mike?!?). It gets super deep when they all open up and share themselves with the American listening public. By "super deep," I mean surface-level and cliched. Who else noticed Dr. Drew's face the whole time? He's totally humiliated that he's on this trainwreck of a show. I mean, he's also on MTV's "16 and Pregnant," so I guess he didn't stoop too low for Bromack. But still. At least those knocked up hussies actually need therapy. Brad just needs a personality.

Next the girls and Brad head to--you guessed it!--a hot tub after party. The girls take Dr. Drew's advice by showing initiative. Maybe a little too much, as, one by one, they basically elbow their way in front of Brad for some private time. People are cut off, interrupted, and cried to. Messy. The only well-spent time was with Britt, who I think is super cute. Ashley H. freaks out and is stupid. And at the end, Britt gets the rose.

Next up is the long-time-coming and equally dreaded one-on-one with Shiner McGee/Crazy/Michelle. Of course, the lead-up to the date is a classic study in selfish and annoying behavior. Michelle is upset that her date card says something like "Let's hang out," and doesn't include the word "love." Okay over-thinker, step away from the ledge. Even better, Brad arrives to pick Michelle up, but first (thank god!), he asks to see Ashley H. so he can talk her off her own little ledge. Fine. What's better? Michelle, being the selfish brat she is, freaks out and bitches to the girls by saying that Ashley is "stealing" her time with Brad. Chantal puts her in her place by saying she did the same thing on the first group date when she was a baby and didn't film her scene because she was jealous of all the other girls kissing Brad. At this point, I don't just think she's annoying; I genuinely and actively dislike her. I also LOVE Chantal for putting this choo-choo in her place. But before the date begins, let me call out the massive amount of coverup that must have been applied to her messy eye to cover up what we all know is there.

Next, Selfish Shiner yanks Brad away and they drive to Brad's house for their date. A helicopter shows up and takes them to the top of a building so they can rappel off the side. But of course Michelle is afraid of heights and freaks out and cries like a baby. But Brad, with his winning personality and endless support (good god, I hope you sense sarcasm), helps her over the ledge, at which point she starts referring to Brad as "babe." Um, do you even know him? Slow down, Crazy. You've got a whole building to rappel down...and then probably five more hours with which you can further ruin the date. Don't "babe" him this early. But of course they kiss as they descend because why not? Who else thinks she's not even afraid of heights? She's just horrible, not height-afraid.

After the descent, they jump into the pool with their clothes on and make out. Bromack's tat makes another cameo and we remember his trashy roots...in case we had actually forgotten them. What we didn't forget is that Brad has no brain and no original thoughts. He reminds us of that every five minutes. Later, Crazy shares dinner with Brad. They talk about her daughter and Brad wants to meet her. I think it's weird because they've hung out for an hour. But that's just me being a good future dad. (Sidenote: the daughter's name is Brielle? Really, Michelle? Why not just Brie? That's a gorgeous name, and I happen to know and adore a pretty kick-a$$ baby Brie. The "elle" just announces a questionable past and an inability to make good decisions.) Then Michelle tells Brad that she doesn't see him with any of the other girls. Okay, I officially detest her. Can't she at least pretend she's nice? Nope...because she throws herself back on him in the hot tub. She gets a rose because Bromack knows she's a guarantee in the sack. America lets out a collective sigh.

At the rose ceremony, everyone is on edge. Who will be let free to be able to find a husband actually worth having? Not sure. First, we have some drama to get through. The therapist shows up first so Brad can hear things like this: "So you're more present...the good news is you know how to be aware of you." Like, aware of nothing? Is that the awareness he's referring to? Moving on...

Some chicks spend some time with Brad before the ceremony, but Brad makes significant efforts to have a little private picnic with Emily. So yeah, he likes her. And yeah, everyone freaks out. So outside Brad and Emily reestablish their connection and recreate their vineyard date (minus the fear-inducing plane ride that brings up memories of dead husbands, because that would just be mean).

Later, Chantal interrupts Brad after a minor teary freak-out. Brad reassures her and tells her that "she is everything that (he) (has) not been with in the past." Um...wait...did Brad just say something smart? Or did he just use syntax to fool us into believing he just made a point. I think the latter.

So the roses go to:

1) Chantal

2) Britt

3) Michelle

4) Ashley S.

5) Alli

6) Emily

7) Shawntel

8) Lisa

9) Jackie

10) Marissa

11) Ashley H.

Byeee to: Meghan, Lindsay, Stacey. Graceful exits, too.

Tonight's awards...

1) Quote: "I am gonna have Brad kiss my eye." -Michelle.

2) Fugliest: all the girls in the morning. Sweeties, you're on national TV. Powder your face and take off the glasses. You have a boring husband (and me) to impress!

3) Crazy: Michelle

4) Frontrunner: Emily. Kinda nervous their life together would be filled with awkward silence, though.

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. If you all don't start commenting soon, I don't know if I can go on. People, I don't do this for myself. Speak up!

P.P.S. Next week looks ridiculous.

Daddy Issues

So a bottle of wine down (and five days away from my first Sundance appearance), I turn on the Best Program in Television. There are three dates tonight and only so much dignity I have left after watching this mess for 82 seasons...so...yeah...let's get started.

The first date is a one-on-one with Ashley S. (Ms. First Impression Rose), the 24 year-old NYC nanny. She and Bromack head to Capitol Records in Hollywood to sing perhaps the worst rendition of Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" ever heard by our collective ears. What we don't know before our ears burn off in misery is that this is Ashley's song with her dad (her dead dad). Daddy issues, people. Clearly I mute the television in horror as they murder their way through the song. I also mute it as Bromack tells Ashley that "she makes (him) feel relaxed that (he) can be (him)self with her." Yup, you said the same thing to three girls last week. Then...surprise!...Seal makes a cameo to show them how you actually sing the song "Kiss From a Rose." Why is his face so messed up, you ask? Heidi Klum's beauty melted it off. Clearly. Then Bromack tells Ashley again that, "This is the first date I can truly be myself," because he's never said that before...except for 20 minutes ago. Clearly he kisses Ashley and gives her a rose. Especially after she talks about her dead dad.

The next date is a busy mess of filming action movies with far too many neon-clad activewear-donning bimbos. Michelle and all her crazy is sure to attend this date, as is Shawntel and her acting and kissing prowess. Brad sets up the date by stating this gem: "I love to get dirty, and I want a wife that does the same thing." Don't we all? I mean, in my case I don't like being dirty and I don't want a wife, but you get the idea, no? After they film their action flick, the crew heads to a--wait for it--rooftop pool party. Dead Dad Story #2 soon comes out as Chantal shares her sob story with Brad. Is he putting it together than everyone has lost someone, or is he too busy thinking of the next bland thing to say? Methinks the latter. I also think that Brad's boobs are bigger than most of the girls' boobs this season. Is this an issue? Well, we don't have time to think about it, because Michelle and her crazy show up to the party and she interrupts his one-on-one time with Alli (whose boobs may actually outsize Brad's). In addition, I would like to point out Brad's classy cross tattoo. Real religious, that one. Shawntel gets the rose.

The last date is the much anticipated one-on-one with Emily, a.k.a. the "Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Teresa." The date is all about breaking down Emily's walls. She gets her big chance to tell Bromack about her dead husband and (alive) daughter. But first they have to take a dreaded flight to wine country. For the first half of the date, Brad pushes Emily to open up and she doesn't take the bait. Then, magically, the sun sets and she comes clean at dinner. Bromack has not only broken down her walls, he's broken down his own. Is he actually falling for her? Are his own messy walls crumbling? He gives Emily a rose.

Before the rose ceremony, Brad meets with his therapist (what?!?!) while wearing his 82nd henley of the night. Kudos to the styling team for staying on trend and ensuring we can see Brad's guns in all his slutty tops. The therapist tells Brad that he's allowing women in. Yay for Brad. Unfortunately he has yet to let a personality in and he's a net zero. Baby steps...

At the rose ceremony, Michelle stays in character and is mad that he talks to anyone but her. Um, you're on the Best Program on Television, The Bachelor. The Bachelor is going to talk to all the women because it's a trashy dating show and he needs to make "informed" decisions about who he's not going to propose to. So stop being Crazy. Playing her role, though, she interrupts another conversation of Brad's to instigate their first "fight." Underscored by crazy carnival music, Michelle asks him to explain himself for kissing other girls. Oddly, he stills likes her and seems utterly fooled by her antics, while the rest of America is dying. Luckily we can chalk this up to Brad's idiocy. So we're good.

Madison, the fang-wearing actress, quickly sheds her fangs while talking to Brad and says she's thinking of leaving. We also get to see her side-boob in this conversation, which is going to do her no favors in her acting/modeling career. Next on the threatening-to-leave team is Ashley H. But Bromack tries to reassure her...by giving her a sloppy kiss.

And the winners are:

1) Ashley S.

2) Shawntel

3) Emily

4) Michelle

5) Chantal

6) Goes to...um...wait...Madison then excuses herself in a moment of drama saying she would rather go home than take a rose from someone more deserving. Awesome. As an actress, we hope she gets the attention she's after and lands some other reality show contract to further her D-level career. Best of luck.

6) Lisa. Who are you, again?

7) Jackie

8) Ashley H.

9) Marissa

10) Britt

11) Alli

12) Lindsey

13) Meghan. Who?

14) Stacey

Byeeeeeeee: Madison, Kimberly, Sarah.

Awards:

1) Quote. "I want to be in Tahiti practicing making babies with Brad" (or something similar). Michelle.

2) Worst costume: Madison's fangs.

3) Crazy: Michelle.

4) Frontrunner: Emily.

5) Best mascara tears yet: Sarah's!!! YES!

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. I hope to land from Sundance in time for a very timely blog, but it depends on who discovers me. Or if I'm on a date with Jake Gyllenhaal.

P.P.S. In honor of MLK Day, I would like to point out (with the help of others) that there are no black contestants. Um...do I need to say I have a dream?

And the drama begins

Pour the wine. Dim the lights. Pop a sedative. And dig in. The worst show on TV is back, and the worst bachelor ever has returned. We're all choosing this mess over the BCS National Championship game (Go Ducks!), and we're torn. It's going to be all about self-medication this season, people, and I really don't know how we'll survive. But I'm hopeful that we'll come out of this alive, and better than ever. Okay, that was a lie. I really just hope we come out of this alive and only slightly hungover. We're looking at roughly 20 to 30 hours of wasted time here. To me, that's 20 to 30 bottles of wine. But I'm committed. In the weakest sense of the word, yes, but committed all the same.

So let's get to it. The first date with Bromack goes to Ashley H., the dentist. She wears a dress that makes her look like a cake topper, but we'll forgive her for a minute. Brad picks Ashley up in a hot convertible that he could never afford and whisks her away to...wait for it...a dark dirt road. Totally romantic, right? Especially when their navigating the dark dirt road in formal wear and heels (on her, not Brad). But then they flip a light switch, and on turns the carnival. They ride rides, take photo booth shots, share a rather intense first kiss, and then share an even more intense first convo. Turns out they both have distant dads (hers is homeless, his is just gone--she wins) and his walls come crashing down. Granted, the torn down walls reveal a guy just as boring as before, but at least he was honest. He's falling for her. He even says he can "just be me." Forget about the fact that "me" is boring and weird, but at least he's himself? Needless to say, Ashley gets a rose.

Date number two is a clusterf@*$. I mean 15 girls on one date? Really? First, the 15 ladies "give back" by filming Red Cross awareness commercials with Brad. Give blood, people. The commercials and acting are horrible, and as expected, the fangs come out (literally at one point). Melissa interrupts a scene she's not in by entering the set and kissing Brad, Michelle storms off the set because it's her birthday and she's not getting what she wants, and Britt takes her kissing scene to the next level. Is anyone else actually believing that she's 30? As a wise 31-year-old myself, I ain't falling for this mess. Girlfriend looks a good 38. Just sayin'. After the filming, the small army heads to an after party on a rooftop where Melissa gets her much-wanted one-on-one time after which she is confronted for being crazy by Rachel. Melissa is quickly shaping up to be this season's crazy, or Cray Cray for short. Michelle the bitchy birthday girl gets the rose because Brad feels bad, and that is that.

Date three is a one-on-one with Jackie. Combined, neither seem to have much to offer, let's be honest. It's like the couple you invite to all your parties because they're pretty and it's good to have pretty friends, but they add nothing to the situation and you always seat them at one end of the table so they don't drag everyone down. Right? Glad we're on the same page. (Sidenote: all my friends are hot, obvi, but I'm just trying to make a point.) Back to the date. It's romantic, they get pampered, she gets dresses and jewelry, and even gets her name on the Hollywood Bowl sign. Famous (like me). At the Bowl, they share a romantic dinner on stage. Are they clicking? Is this fun? We're not sure. And then Brad is completely dumbfounded by the fact that she's barely dated. He's like uber-concerned about the fact that this may be too much of a risk for him and he's inventing problems for himself. Um, projecting much? Remember three years ago when you left two idiots at the alter? But he gives her a rose anyway because he wants to give this a "shot." It's like he's just prolonging the break up. But whatever. Then Train shows up and plays their overplayed song. They dance. They kiss (to the song "Marry Me" no less!!!! Premature, no?). And it's over.

Back at the rose ceremony, Bromack arrives and is immediately assaulted (or taken away, depending on the eyes of the viewer) by Michelle. Her first question for him? "Do you prefer Starbucks or the Coffee Bean?" Important stuff, people. Groundbreaking, in fact. Is Michelle Cray Cray, or is Melissa? Well...it might still be Melissa. Because she confronts Rachel again. Pretty sure about nothing and I can't really figure out what Melissa's motives are. Regardless, Rachel gets bent out of shape, Melissa spins it that Rachel's actually crazy, and we have confirmation. Melissa is Cray Cray #1. The b*tches both go to Ashley S. to vent, to which Ashley responds (smartly), "Worry about yourself." Thank you. Could not have said it better myself.

Don't worry Bachelorites, the drama continues. Melissa then sits down with a wide-eyed Bromack to win him over to her side. He responds with "Oh my god, you're crying." What he really means is, "OMG you're Cray Cray and it's been two days." Melissa continues with the fact she feels targeted by Rachel. And next she says she's had four slices of pizza with onions. Because that's important. Like really important, and totally pertinent to the situation she's created in her crazy mind. Just as important as the bottle of wine I just HOUSED because this show is so horrible. But it gets better because Rachel cries to Brad next. Oh poor brainless Brad.

Luckily Chris interrupts the situation with a feisty little twist. Who is here for the right reasons? Ali and Roberto show up to help us out with this, with what I'm sure is their last public appearance before their break-up that has already happened. They grill each of the girls one by one. The looks on their faces are priceless. Like, was this really in our contract? We don't even love each other and now we have to listen to Melissa cry one minute after meeting us? They don't even know who Rachel is, and yet they have to listen to this mess? Poor kids. A couple comments: 1) Roberto wasn't sweating; and 2) Ali looks older. Right? Roberto has relaxed and Ali has aged. Typical.

After Ali and Roberto's chats and their download to Bromack, he gives a rose to Emily.

Roses go to

1) Ashley H.

2) Michelle

3) Jackie

4) Emily

5) Chantal O.

6) Sara

7) Alli

8) Kimberly

9) Shawntel N.

10) Stacey

11) Ashley S.

12) Madison

13) Lisa

14) Marissa

15) Meghan

16) Lindsey

17) Britt

So both Melissa and Rachel go home...a first-ever surprise dismissal of the crazy one!

Tonight's awards...

1) Frontrunner: Ashley H.

2) Villain: Michelle

3) Crazy (Cray Cray): Melissa. Good riddance.

4) Least attractive crop of girls in this show's history: Bingo...this season's.

5) Worst dressed: The Oregon football team. Who are they kidding with neon green/yellow socks and shoelaces and wing decals on their jerseys?

Until next week,

Mike

Return of the (Bro)Mack

I know, I said I was on vacation (and I am), but I caught the last 45 minutes of this certifiable trainwreck last night, after a bottle of wine and a delicious dinner on the beach. First off , ABC has officially lost its collective marbles in re-casting Brad Womack—hereafter known as Bromack—after two of its most successful iterations of the show in recent history (Jake and Ali). I mean, does this guy even have a job? Let alone a personality?!? Besides standing up two women on national television during his first stint as the Bachelor, Bromack is the quintessential spineless Yes Man. He has no personality, is entirely disingenuous, and adds nothing to any situation besides some nicely coiffed stubble. I mean, talking to Bromack is like talking to a brick wall with a beard. Sure the guy is good looking, but aren’t we all?

I won’t get in to the run-down of each and every of the 30 (30?!?) hoes desperately vying for a chance at spending their lives with a personality-free brick wall, but I will share some highlights I saw.

What’s with the girl who repeatedly got interrupted during her time with Brad? The blonde one from Illinois wearing The. Most. Heinous. dress in recent memory? Um…yeah, that’s why you got screwed, woman. Seriously. Royal blue floor-length satin with a faux-diamond-encrusted choker neck? Who are we kidding with that? This isn't prom circa 1994.

Madison has legitimate fangs? I just can’t. Is she serious with that mess? Sure, Bromack has abs, but this isn’t Twilight, and he isn’t Taylor Lautner. (Doesn't Twilight have something to do with vampires? Clearly I haven't seen it.)

Jackie is an embarrassment to us all when she sings to Bromack an improvised song with her horrible voice.

Ashley S. is cute, and thus wins the First Impression Rose. But as devil’s advocate, did anyone else think everything she said was rehearsed and entirely gaming him? I mean, who really just wants to be his friend and confidant throughout all this. Not me. (I also secretly love that she’s this down-home Southern chick who is a nanny in the City. Those poor city kids are going to grown up with a twang and they’ll never be accepted in East Hampton.)

So with that, Bromack chooses his 20 lady friends to whom he will offer no substance this season.

1) Ashley S.

2) Michelle the mom and “woman”

3) Kimberly

4) Madison the fang-wielding monster

5) Emily

6) Rachel

7) Kelty (sp?)

8) Ashley H.

9) Megan

10) Lisa M.

11) Lindsey

12) Allie

13) Sarah P.

14) Marissa

15) Brit

16) Stacy

17) Shauntelle M.

18) Jackie

19) Melissa

20) Shauntelle O. Because why wouldn’t there be two Shauntelles?

Awards:

1) Worst dress: The heinous blue number with the diamond neckline. Yowza. She got a bargain at Filene’s on that one.

2) Personality-free: Bromack

3) This season’s Villain: Michelle

One last note: looks like the travel budget is back up, people. Goodbye recession, hello Anguilla, Costa Rica, and South Africa! At least they’re spending money on something, ‘cause good lord we know Bromack came cheap!

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. Follow me on Twitter @mhondorp

Beach > Bachelor

Lovers and friends,

I'm ringing in the new year with a tan. What does that mean? It means I'm not holed up watching what's his name re-disaster-ify our lives by not choosing a wife. Rather, I'm enjoying a glass of wine (or 12) in Florida on the beach. Brad Womack (and his b*tches) can wait a week for me to rip him a new one. How old is he, anyway?

So here's to a great new year, a nice tan, and being famous.

Love you all.

Until next week,

Mike

The Finale

To wed, or not to wed? That is the question.

Tonight is the night; it's down to the final two. Will it be Roberto or Chris? Roberto is the first to meet Ali's family in the hut on the ocean in Bora Bora. Predictably sweaty, Roberto charms the fam with his Latino ways and his dimples for days. There is nothing too special about the date. Her family likes him, his dad blesses their potential marriage and they salsa dance as a family. Because that's what you do what a Latino is potentially joining the family. No need for generalizations or anything. The only unfortunate moment of the evening is when her mother says, "Yo creo que tu corazon es puro." I think your heart is pure. Ewww...awkward.

Next up is Massachusetts native Chris. Clearly the family loves him and his Mass accent and all the crazy similarities like Canadian dads, moms who were nurses and teacher pasts. I'm a little worried that he's more in to her than she is in to him, but Dad blesses their potential marriage regardless. And then they all swim together...Dad's hairy back and all. It's clear that Chris is more genuine and we all love him.

For the last-ditch date, Roberto and Ali do it up. Sea Doos, stingrays and make outs in the rain--the date was perfect. Later at night, Ali arrives at Roberto's hut. Roberto, looking particularly stunning in his Bonobos khakis (that I sent to the producer in March, thankyouverymuch), greets Ali with kisses hugs and inevitable romance. He also gives her a cute picture frame with some romantic Spanglish on the back. She loves him, but oddly doesn't say it. He does, though.

The next day is Chris's last chance. I'm not going to lie, I'm secretly gunning for Chris. He's just perfect and so cute and in love with her. Unfortunately, Ali arrives looking and feeling out of sorts. Ever the open book, she doesn't even kiss him upon entering his hut, and she starts chatting with him and confessing her confusion and feelings like he's some random girlfriend. Cutting right to the chase (which makes me respect her, even though she's breaking my heart), Ali tells Chris that she's fallen in love with Roberto and doesn't want to put him through another date and the stress of a rose ceremony when she's not going to pick him. Sad...but so upstanding of Ali. Chris is crushed, but stays strong and sweet, and only sheds a tear after she leaves. To make emotions worse, a full rainbow appears on the horizon as he contemplates his loss...and he says it's a sign from his mom that everything is alright. I totally cried. Luckily I know where he lives on the Cape and I'll bring him a growler of Cape Cod beer and a hot chick to help him get over it. Any takers?

So...on the day of the rose ceremony, Roberto picks out a ring. He also says he'll only propose if it's right for him. Last minute cold feet? Is his perfection wearing off?

As Roberto approaches via boat, Ali stands atop a mountain in her expected shade of dress awaiting her prince. He heads up and arrives, messed up collar and all. The lovers embrace, and he's a nervous mess. Roberto launches into a full on speech...avoiding eye contact...and she tells him he's the only one there that day. A sweaty, sweaty Roberto then gets on one knee and proposes.

It's just not very romantic. But we wish them the best of luck. God knows they'll need it.

And then...as if this show couldn't get cheesier, the play-out music is from the effing Lion King. I mean...

Please, Baby Jesus, don't let him turn crazy like Jake.

Until never,

Mike

To Bone or Not To Bone: Version 82

I'm back, freshly-tanned, and better than ever after taking a week off from the blog. Sorry kids, had some work to do in the Hamptons...

Last night's episode was the famed To Bone or Not To Bone episode, in which Ali and the guys have to decide whether or not to sleep together. It's always one of my favorites, and this episode didn't let us down. I mean, it had major potential to leave us high and dry what with all the promo and promised drama from Frank (aka Crazy Pants). But ABC's repeated commercials and teasers didn't really let us down all that much. Frank is, in fact, the douche we expected him to be and he has therefore influenced a large set of women that men do, in fact, suck. I, for one, remain hopeful that men are okay at their core...but Frank ain't helping my cause.

Before the lovers fly to Tahiti to bone, we have our special time with Frank in Chicago, who is agonizing over a mysterious ex-girlfriend with whom he's fallen back in love through his feelings for Ali. Wait, what? Yes, that is what Frank says has happened. By falling for Ali (rather, by obsessing over Ali and being in love with her before he even met her), Frank has fallen for his less cute ex-girlfriend Nicole. To deal with these heavy feelings, he has decided to visit Nicole in Chicago to spend 10 minutes with her so he can decide if he should spend the rest of his life with her (the usual), or if he should keep being obsessively crazy about Ali. He stops by Nicole's apartment (hotel room paid by ABC) unannounced (announced, although Nicole certainly didn't dress for the occasion in a dumpy yellow t-shirt, but whatever), and tells Nicole that his feelings for her have come rushing back. He talks a little too much about Ali in my opinion, but after five minutes with Nicole, he decides to spend his life with her. Barf. I'm officially over Frank, although I certainly was never under him. What is this guy? And who does he think he is? More importantly, why does Ali actually like him? More on that later.

Back in Tahiti, Ali's first date is with a very sweaty Roberto. I'd lay into him more about this, but I know I'd be just as sweaty as him if I were in a tropical venue with cameras all over me, so I'll be kind of nice here. But dude did have major pit stains and sweat dribbles the ENTIRE episode. Must be his Latino heat. The date starts with, surprise, a helicopter. The copter deposits the lovebirds on a private island with a heart-shaped (I'll use that term loosely) lagoon. They swim, frolick, and make out heavily in the water. Later, at dinner, Roberto opens up a bit through the sweat, and tells Ali that he's falling in love with her. My favorite part, though? The fact that Roberto seems genuinely surprised at the inevitable Fantasy Suite offer from Chris Harrison. My cohort on the couch last night thought the same. It's so funny how on The Bachelor, all the girls know what's coming and half the time they don't even read the note. The Bachelorette, however, is full of dudes who don't watch trashy TV (wait, what?) and are genuinely surprised that they get to bone--I mean, spend the night with--Ali. Roberto chooses to bone.

The next day, Ali meets Chris. After one of the more successful home visits the week before, we're all anxiously awaiting a good date. Their date begins with a boat ride to another private island. The boat drops them at sea, and the lovers make their way to shore....wearing Aquasocks. At first I thought Chris just made a horrible wardrobe choice, but then I saw they were both wearing unfortunate footwear, and I decided ABC made them do it. Phew! At one point during the date I freaked out and wondered to myself, "Is Chris boring?" but then he saved himself by being cute, honest, and confessing his love to Ali. He came outta nowhere with that one. Who would have thought that shy little Chris would be the most profuse expresser of love? Loved it. Chris also chooses to bone.

Lastly, Frank shows up looking like a mess and chats with Dr. Chris about his re-discovered love for unfortunate Nicole back home. After some paternal advice from Chris, it's Frank's turn to have a date with Ali. Oh wait, no date today because he gone and fell back in love with someone else even though he was crazy about Ali since day one or before. Ugh...stupid Frank. Ali arrives to Frank's bungalow excited to see him (and oddly convinced he's staying around to meet her family, as she later confessed). But hold up...Frank needs to talk. A very stunned Ali is heartbroken as she hears Frank tell her of this mystery chick he's never once mentioned before. I mean, really Frank? Everyone mentions their past loves on this show. Why didn't you? Jackass. Frank tells Ali that he's in love with Nicole and he's leaving the show. What I'm most surprised about here is Ali's reaction and that she actually, really liked him. Poor Ali. But better to know now, right?

My favorite quotes were these:

Ali: "I gave up everything to be here."

Frank: "I gave up everything too."

Ali: "Apparently not everything."

Two points for Ali. And scene.

At the rose ceremony, Ali chooses Chris and sweaty Roberto (duh), but insists they choose her back and actually accept the rose, as opposed to just being given the rose. Cute.

Good riddance to sweater-folding Frank.

Tonight's awards.

1) Douchebag: Frank

2) Sweatiest: Roberto

3) Most cryptic description of why Frank wasn't at the rose ceremony before she gave roses to Chris and Roberto: Ali. Those poor guys had no idea what was going on!

4) Predicted winner: Roberto?

Until two weeks from now (lord knows I ain't blogging the Bitches Tell All episode from the Cape),

Mike

P.S. To tide you over in my absence, you should all watch THIS AMAZING VIDEO. It's unbeweaveable.

And then there were four. But who cares because Jake and Vienna are back!

Ali and the guys go to Portugal to fall in love even more. Ali chose four guys; no one is surprised.

1) Roberto

2) Frank

3) Chris

4) Kirk

Yay. Now to what's important: Jake and Vienna are back to tell us about their break-up! Break-up? What break-up? Oh, the one plastered across every cover of every magazine on newstands? Yeah, that break-up.

Besides the fact that Jake looks old, he is also a douche. I think I'm on Team Vienna. They pitter patter and go back and forth for a good 20 minutes about nothing. It's clear Vienna is still a little dumb and confused, but Jake is not. He knows what he's doing, and he always has. You gotta feel sorry for the girl. Plucked from a trailer park and sent to LA only to be ignored by her man who doesn't love her and is just interested in himself. Duh.

So they break up. He thinks she undermines him because she has a voice, and she thinks he doesn't love her because, well, he probably doesn't. And in the midst of the argument, Jake totally yells at Vienna on camera, and it's sealed ("PLEASE STOP INTERRUPTING ME!!!" in that guy-is-about-to-beat-his-wife-and-doesn't-want-the-kids-to-hear kind of stifled yell). Dude sucks. Fame hungry, camera-coached, and overly tanned and whitened, Jake is fast-tracking from B-lister to D-lister in a HOT minute. And I love it every minute of it.

One-way flight back to Dallas. Paging Jake! Final boarding call!

Until next week,

Mike

One Bazaar (sic) Night

I ain't even got no time for a witty intro, so here goes. OMG. WTF?!? The moment we all knew was coming kicks off the episode in a grand fashion when Jessie, the boring Canadian chick on last season's Bachelor who we all forgot about because she lacked a personality, calls Ali to inform her that Justin has a girlfriend (cue the feigned shock on behalf of all of the thirteen people watching this show). Then, in awesomely dramatic fashion, Jessie passes the phone to the actual girlfriend, Jessica, an overly-tanned, fake-eyelashed Canadian. Yes, "overly-tanned" and "Canadian" were just in the same sentence. Jessica, struggling through fake tears for the camera, informs Ali that Justin went on the show to further his career and get famous, telling her all along that he'd come back to her and that they're meant to be together. Even though we all knew this was coming, we collectively love this, right? But it gets better.

After hearing the "shocking" news, Ali struts down to the guys' room to confront Justin in front of the dudes that hate him. Upon hearing that Ali has spoken with Justin's girlfriend, Justin, without any defense, ups and walks away (in his trashfest sweatpants emblazoned with some idiot logo) and leaves the place with his bag and passport. It was the ultimate character shift from cocksure jackass to tail-between-his-legs p*ssy (okay, I hate that word, but it was called for). What will hereafter be known as the Biggest P*ssy Moment Ever, Justin evades Ali and her questions and runs around like a loon on the Turkish hotel grounds trying his best to avoid cameras and questions. Dude was walking through gardens and groundcover and reflecting pools. It was awesome. Finally, he summons the courage to talk to Ali. If anyone ever wants a lesson on how to tell when a man is lying, simply play this minute-long segment on repeat. It. Was. AWESOME. Just fumbling for words, creating stories, not making eye contact.

And cue Justin's departure. In what was perhaps one of the best editing jobs in recent Bachelor/Bachelorette history, Justin's exit from the property was not to music, but to the voicemails he left his girlfriend back in Canada DURING the taping of the show. They were filled with "I love yous" and pathetic fodder that just begged to be played on national TV. How much ABC payed the girlfriend for these, we will never know, but it was amazing. So, goodbye to who I labeled this season's D-Bag...best of luck in "entertainment wrestling" now that all of North America knows you're a phony.

Now back to reality. This episode our "world tour" has taken us to Turkey. Kudos to Turkey for getting an awesome pitch to visit their country. ABC made this place look like heaven, what with its architecture, topography and culture--it was as if the Turkish tourism department spent their entire budget on this one episode of this crappy show. Oh wait, they probably did. Anyway, the first one-on-one date goes to Ty, our conservative Nashvillian. The date was pretty much boring. Ali is a dead giveaway when she views these guys as friends, and at this point, that's what Ty is. Even though they rub each other down in the Turkish baths and share a romantic dinner, it was neither special nor bad. Just nice. A few notes, though. Did anyone notice Ty's man-boobs? Wow. Also, how about his admission that his divorce was because he didn't like his wife working? Um...where are we? 1962 Jackson, Mississippi on the set of "The Help"???!!?? He gets a rose anyway because Ali probably figured Justin already went home, so why not?

The next date is bazaar (sic). (Duh, I totally know it's bizarre, but we're in Turkey, so play along.) Chris, Roberto, Kirk and Craig accompany Ali on a group date to some ancient castle thing. Then they strip down and lather up in olive oil and wrestle each other. You know, just like a normal date. The dudes first wrestle professional Turkish man-people, and then they wrestle each other for some alone time with Ali. It was certifiably weird. Craig beats Chris, Roberto beats Kirk, and in the finale, Craig beats Roberto! It was a total surprise. So Craig wins the one-on-one time with Ali and he effs it up by saying all the right things and cuddling with her even though they don't know each other. Another great example of Ali blatantly not being in to him and giving it all away to the viewers through her facial expressions and actions. Awesome.

The last date is a one-on-one with crazy Frank. This time it's literally bazaar...like at the Spice Bazaar. The lovebirds shop, have dinner in a sistern, and talk about their relationship. I find this whole relationship weird. Frank is just a little too ahead of himself. He's in love with the idea of Ali, but does he even know her? And why is Ali so in to him? Granted, she says that a "relationship with (him) scares me" to his face, but still. He gets a rose.

Back at the rose ceremony, Ali has already made up her mind before cocktails. She tells Chris Harrison that she has a connection with all the guys except one, and she's ready to hand out roses.

So, roses go to:

1) Ty

2) Frank

3) Roberto

4) Chris L.

5) Kirk

This means byeeeeeee to: Justin and Craig.

No surprises tonight!

Awards:

1) D-Bag: Justin

2) Potential Crazypants: Frank

3) Best/Worst Fake Tears: Jessica, the girlfriend in Canada

4) Biggest Upcoming Sneak Peak EVER: ABC fully shows us that Frank, Ty and Roberto make it to Tahiti, which is after the next stop: Portugal. Does this mean that Chris and Kirk get dropped? AND Frank ruins her life in Tahiti. What's going on? Is Frank too scared because he realizes he doesn't know Ali? Is he gay? Why isn't Chris in Tahiti? and Kirk?!? I'm dying.

Until next week,

Mike

Justin = This season's D-bag

In case you needed a reminder. Dude's faking us out with his foot...unless it's a camera trick.

Bachelor Update: Jake and Vienna Split!

As if we thought this wasn't coming.

Snowsuits, crazies and horsies

Off to Iceland we go for a week of chilly fun. The boys land in Reykavik--thankfully ahead of the volcanic eruption that ruined air travel for a month, but just on the cusp of the eruption of horror that is this show.

Before the dates are determined, the boys have to write a poem to Ali to win this week's one-on-one date. There's a lot of bad, and one really good: Kirk. He was sweet, natural and corn-fed Midwestern cute. He brings it home and clearly gets the date.

Kirk and Ali share a fun date on the town. Sweater shops, coffee shops and lobster houses. It's cute, it's adorable, and so are their matching sweaters (notsomuch). On this date we learn that Kirk has never had a relationship over a year, he got super sick in college from toxins in his house, he was a really good runner, and he's just plain honest, natural and adorable. They make a cute couple and dude is inching in to frontrunner status. Ali is starting to heart him and gives him a rose.

The second date is the group mess. Ali and the boys meet in the frigid cold for a freezing horse ride in snowsuits. Let's be honest, the dudes look like Icelandic astronauts. If the country wasn't bankrupt and was able to fund a space program, the analogy would be believable...but whatever. It's kind of hilarious. Ty helps everyone out with the horses because he's country like that. Next they all rappel down into a cave. And next they share an evening at the Blue Lagoon, Iceland's lake with healing powers. Ali strips out of her astronaut suit and is magically wearing a bikini. Dudes pretty much strip down on the spot to join her in the water because of her healing powers. Guys get there one-on-one time during which Ali tells Frank to step it up because he's sitting in the back too much on group dates. After all is said and done, Ty swims away with the rose on this date.

The last date is the dreaded two-on-one date, or as I like to refer to it: Crazy, Crazier and Ali. Crazy (Justin) joins Crazier (Kasey freakshow tattoo loony bin) and Ali on a--you guessed it--helicopter date. This is the 82nd helicopter ride this season and we're like 4 episodes in. ABC, get a grip. Can't we fly a private jet or something? Or some Icelandic mountain roving vehicle? Or a whaling boat? I don't know...something unique. Anyway, the two frenemies accompany Ali on a volcano-watching adventure. Okay, we all know Justin has nothing to offer and he's completely working on his wrastler acting skills, so there's not much to report there. Except for the fact that Kasey is batsh*t crazy, and after Ali confesses that "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal" (which is the best quote EVER), Kasey shows her his special tat. And scene. Justin gets the rose and Kasey is left waving to the helicopter in a space suit. Awesome.

Meanwhile, back at the manse pre-rose ceremony, Craig shows Ali his fake tattoo and gets a good laugh, Chris bores Ali with his non-personality (I mean, we knew he was going home because child hasn't been on camera since episode #1, but good lord, give us SOMETHING!!), and Frank and Ali have a moment. Is Frank back? Not sure.

Then Chris Harrison gets all Dr. Love on our asses and tells Ali he thinks she's afraid of falling in love. Ali agrees that she's terrified of not being loved back. Touching and deep, people. Thank goodness ABC brings us back to reality every now and then.

So here's some reality for you. Roses went to...

1) Kirk

2) Ty

3) Justin

4) Frank

5) Chris L.

6) Roberto

7) Craig

Byeeeeee: Kasey and Chris N.

Awards:

1) Most yawn-inducing bore-fest: Chris N. Good lord, someone get me a Red Bull.

2) Best quote: "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal." - Ali. Um...not a chance.

3) Frontrunner: Kirk

4) Predicted top three: Kirk, Roberto, Chris L.

Until next week's drama that we all know involves Justin and a girlfriend,

Mike

Crazy is back and his name is Tattoo McGee

So we're traveling around the world to find love tonight. First stop: New York. Ali and the boys pack up and head east in search of romance, colder weather, and culture. I mean, duh, they're coming to my city. Full of culture, fashion and fame. Sure, it's also full of trash on the streets and a massive rat infestation, but let's pretend that doesn't exist. Just for two long hours.

The first date is a one-on-one between Ali and Kasey. What I really want to know during this date is why he talks from the back of his throat like he done swallowed a frog. But ABC is very coy with what's going on there...so I settle for THE MOST AWKWARD MOMENTS IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY! Literally...well...at least Top 5 Most Awkward moments. Things start off typical (helicopter) and end messy. On the lawn outside Ellis Island, after their 'copter ride, Kasey sings Ali an impromptu and fully improvised song about their date and how he wants a rose. I mean, it's like back to preschool where kids just sing their thoughts...to no tune...just to hear their voice. I literally sweat through my shirt. But then the date gets worse. They go to the Museum of Natural History and spend the night in the near dark running around. And don't worry, Kasey makes up another song while Ali literally chokes back laughter. It's nightmare status, people. Before Ali doesn't give him a rose, he drops this bomb: "Ali, I choose you." Um...she didn't ask you. So, you suck. And you don't get a rose. What I really worry about, though, is that Ali tells him she doesn't want him to leave. I die.

Date two is the big gay happy sing-songy group date. Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathan, Frank and Ty join Ali ON A BROADWAY STAGE. Are you dying? I mean last night, the Tony Awards, tonight The Lion King on The Bachelorette?!? My inner theatre queen is out to play, and here we go. The boys "audition" for a role, and, well, as always, the best looking guy wins. Roberto. They sang, they danced, they wore dance belts...and after all of the embarrassment, Roberto wins. And then he and Ali strip down (he to a loin cloth) and they soar through the air on stage. Literally.

Soon after, the show starts. I mean, I'm dying inside. They are Broadway stars for a night and the entire disenchanted underworked theatre community collectively cries inside. If all it took was a rose on the line, I would have won twelve Tonys by now. Just sayin'. But back to the show that Roberto and Ali are STARRING in as they air dance in front of 1600 people. As their scene ends, Ali plants a big kiss on Roberto's lips and I'm fully jealous.

After the show, they all reunite for drinks. Ali isn't feeling well, but the guys are putting on the full court press. Franks gets his time with Ali, Jonathan gets blown off, it's awesome. Kirk takes her away and tells her to take the night off because she's feeling so rough, and she decides to head home early without giving out a rose...but not before Kirk escorts her home and snuggles with her and gets a kiss in bed. She loves it, the other guys do NOT. I'm just concerned they're spreading diseases. Let's be honest. There are viruses involved now, people...you can't just go around kissing every open mouth in town.

The next one-on-one is between Chris L. (birthday boy) and Ali. He could have chosen a cuter outfit, let's be honest. Ali could have chosen better health, but she's selfish like that. Regardless, Ali and Chris spend the day together...just in her hotel suite instead of in the city. He opens up about his family with her, and it's cute. He's very cute, in fact. Is dude moving up in the rankings. Me thinks yes.

Meanwhile, Kasey is not at the hotel. Where could he possibly be? He's taken a one-way trip to Crazytown. Freakshow goes out to Queens to check out the local tattoo parlor. Nothing like branding yourself after one date. ONE. DATE. Um...for once the previews may not have lied. Kasey may be a legitimate freakshow.

Back on the date, Ali is feeling better and they head out on the town. They head to 230 Fifth for some great views, food, and drinks. We'll pretend for a hot minute that it isn't the epicenter of all things B & T, and we let them get to know each other. Chris opens up more about his mom and I tear up when he mentions rainbows. Then Ali and Chris call his dad together on his birthday, which is oddly touching. I've decided they're a cute couple. Ali decides the same, and gives him a birthday rose. They celebrate on the roof with Joshua Radin and a gospel choir serenading them! A fricking gospel choir!!! I mean...let's just say there are now three frontrunners.

Back at the hotel, Kasey returns from getting branded and pretends like he got a third-degree burn and he's back from the hospital. Um...dude is crazy. Carnie crazy freak status. Meanwhile, we know he has a shielded heart tattoo on his wrist and, in his private words, he's "literally wearing his heart on his sleeve." Dudes aren't impressed.

At the rose ceremony, the boys reunite. Jonathan whips out his guitar and sings awfully for Ali. Okay, let me please tell all future contestants: when you have no talent, please don't share the talent you don't have with your date. It's messy and embarrassing for us all. Thanks for your attention to this matter.

Justin, the wrastler, plots his revenge against Kasey by planning to out his "I'm burned" lie. Let's be honest, we're excited. Justin calls him out and asks Kasey to show him the burn. He "questions his integrity" and the tension builds. It's pretty awesome, because Kasey knows Justin knows the truth. Kasey then shows his branded wrist to the dudes, knowing he's been caught. He wants to "guard and protect her heart"...and he's crazy. I mean, is this guy kidding?!? Is he batsh*t loony? The dudes conceal their horror quite well, though.

Don't worry, because then Kasey has some time with Ali. Before he even talks, we know she's ready to dump him. She was just too weak to do it on their date. And then he shows her the tat...just kidding! Frank interrupts them and takes her away. It's AWESOME. And then Ali is summoned away before the moment to deliberate.

Roses go to:

1) Chris L.

2) Kirk

3) Frank

4) Craig

5) Chris N.

6) Roberto

7) Justin

8) Ty

9) Kasey. WHAT?!?

Byeeee: Jonathan and Jesse.

1) Biggest Freakshow Crazytown Idiot Fool: Kasey

2) Frontrunners: Roberto and Chris L. with Kirk just nudged out of the top three

3) Most Painful Mistake: Kasey's tattoo

4) Surprise: Jesse going home. Kinda shocked, even though he wouldn't have lasted. This should teach him to wear a tie next time. But at least he's back to his dogs.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. shout out to my lovebug.

Bare Naked Embarrassment

Episode three. According to Bachelorology, this means that things get "real" this episode. Jealously starts brewing, feelings get hurt, and things heat up. So with that, we have three dates tonight.

Date one is with Ali's favorite: Roberto the southern Latino. That hair, that skin, those dimples, that cleft in his chin...what's not to love. Cue the helicopter that flits them away to downtown LA where the lovebirds have to tightrope walk between two buildings so they can have dinner together. Let's be honest, the date is a smashing success. They share their first kiss 82 stories above downtown LA, and they share a great dinner and cuddle session together. Roberto clearly gets a rose.

The next date is the nine-on-one clustermess that we know will deliver some drama. Setting: dumpy LA-"river"-adjacent highway lot. You know, the kind of place that just screams romance. Well...just wait. The Bare Naked Ladies are there, and they're going to film a music video!! Even more romantic? A bunch of washed up, middle aged former rockers! Woohoo!! But at least the drama starts. Each guy gets to film a scene with Ali, and many scenes involve kisses. Highlights: Jonathan cries (apparently he was nervous, even though he spends his life on camera as a weatherman); Kirk and Ali have a full on real make out session; all the boys get jealous. Later, they all share Coors Lights on a rooftop somewhere. More awkwardness ensues between Ali and Jonathan, Chris L. tells Ali about his mom passing away, and Kirk gets the rose.

The next day, wrastler Justin walks on his crutches for like 8 miles to see Ali at her house because that's what professional wrastlers who are on crutches do. So there you have it. He's "real" and he likes her. Too bad no one believes it. D-bag.

The last one-on-one date is between Ali and Hunter. Hunter, unfortunately seems incredibly nervous. Let's just say it doesn't go well. Nothing bad...just nothing good. Poor Hunter. Time to hunt elsewhere. It was the perfect setting for a romantic date. Her house, homecooked meal, pools, hot tubs, s'mores...you name it. Better luck next time, Hunt. And stop calling her "Darlin'" after half a date. Justin is dick-ish about it and gloats when Hunter doesn't return home. We hate him.

On to the rose ceremony...

Chris L. and Ali snuggle up and get closer. Steve brings her out for a private champagne date in the front of the house (cute, even though he couldn't open the bottle).

The truth comes out about Justin's secretive one-on-one time with Ali when Roberto and Ali sit down to fall more in love. Roberto tells his bros, the boys get their panties in a wad and start talking about him behind his back. And then they confront him in front of everyone else. Justin is totally shocked and wonders how they found out, but he admits it. We love it.

Roses go to:

1) Roberto

2) Kirk

3) Chris L.

4) Jesse (wearing a denim workshirt and jeans...um...)

5) Chris N.

6) Ty

7) Kasey

8) Craig

9) Frank

10) Jonathan

11) Justin (as if she wouldn't have picked him...it's about ratings, people)

Byeeeeeee: Hunter, Steve, John

1) Villain/D-bag: Justin

2) Potential to become a Jealous Freakshow: Frank

3) Cutest: TBD

4) Front-runner: Roberto, with Kirk putting on the full court press.

This Mess Keeps Chugging Along

This show is a trainwreck, and she just keeps chugging. Clearly, I have an all-you-can-ride pass, so I'm back and your lives just got better. That said, I'm busy and important, so I just can't get too in to this tonight as I just wrapped a photo shoot and I'm simply beat.

But let's just say, I love Ali, and she's famous. And nervous!

Our cast of characters:

Chris, Vancouver, Canada?

Jesse, Peculiar, MO

Chris L., Cape Cod

Ty, Nashville

Frank, Chicago - the hambone who jumped out of the sunroof

Justin, Toronto, Canada? Entertainment Wrestler? Two wrongs don't make a right.

Jay, Barrington, RI. Personal injury lawyer. Yikes.

Chris, Florida

Kasey, Cali - Not sure where his voice is coming from.

Kyle, Colorado - Outdoorsman.

Roberto, Charleston, SC

Craig, Toronto, Canada? Douchey McGee. Hair alert.

John, Wichita, KS

Tyler, VT

John, Issaquah, WA - Proposed with fake diamond and the flaming House Gay

Jonathan, Houston, TX - Weatherman

Craig R., Philly, PA

Steve, Cleveland, OH

Kirk, Green Bay, WI

Tyler, Austin, TX - Catering Manager who mistook Ali for wearing cowboy boots with Jake

Hunter, San Antonio, TX

Derek, Warren, MI - Worst suit of the night

Phil, Chicago, IL

Derrick, San Diego, CA - "Shooter"

Jason, Denver, CO - Back flip off the limo. Makes me nervous.

Some comments:

Kirk made a scrapbook.

Kevin is overzealous.

Kasey has an interesting voice.

Hunter plays the ukulele.

Derrick prematurely ejaculates and tells Ali. WHAT? I can't.

Chris L. says his parents are still together even though his mom passed away.

There are no black guys.

There are no Asian guys.

First Impression Rose goes to: Roberto. Least surprising moment of the night.

Big Twist Alert. Chris Harrison asks the guys to submit the name of the dude(s) who isn't there for the right reason. Awesome. Nothing like starting the drama early! Once the guy's name is revealed, Ali can choose whether or not to keep him around. And the dude everyone voted off is...dun dun dun...Justin, the professional wrestler dude with a busted foot. Ali decides to keep him. Blah.

At the rose ceremony, Ali chooses:

1) Roberto (First Impression)

2) Justin (saved for "not being there for the right reasons")

3) Jesse

4) Ty

5) Craig R.

6) Tyler B.

7) Frank

8) Steve

9) Chris L.

10) Kirk

11) John C.

12) Chris N.

13) Chris H.

14) Hunter

15) Craig M. Because every season needs a villain.

16) Jonathan

17) Kasey with a K

Awards:

1) Cutest - Chris H.

2) Frontrunner - Roberto and Hunter. It's a tie.

3) Gayest - John from Washington

4) Love At First Sight - Roberto

5) Most Canadian - Unfortunately it's an 82-way tie with Chris, Justin and Craig

6) D-bag Alert - Craig M.

Until next week (before which I will be on the West coast for some PR appearances, wine tastings, etc.),

Mike

Battle of the Already-Marrieds...and Another Bache-saster

Lovers, we've seen it before. And guess what: we're seeing it again. The nicest bachelor in history is doomed to repeat history for the 82nd time; and I'm just not surprised anymore.

Let's get started because I'm over it. Just over it. Before the girls arrive, Jake preps them. Tenley is perfect and Vienna is the "girl nobody liked." Oops. The family is already swayed.

First off is Tenley. She arrives and meets Jake's cute and weepy family (mostly weepy dad). Both Tenley and Jake are wearing pink, and it's quite fitting because Tenley is all pink and perfect. As predicted, she says all the right things, Jakes family falls in love with her, and they all jump in the pool? What? Yes, you read that correctly. They all jump in the pool. It's awkward, but it happened. What else is there to say? Tenley wins the family over and they love her.

Next, Trailer Trash arrives looking like just that. His family has their collective guard up, and starts off with their fists clenched. Tough questions about why she sucks so much come left and right, and she fails at answering them miserably. Her grammar is predictably poor, and it's perfect. But literally, it's great. One of the sisters-in-law (not "sister-in-laws" thankyouverymuch) says, "So won't you be shocked when he doesn't choose you in the end," when she confronts Vienna's confrontational nature. Um...we love Laura, the sassy sister-in-law. Meanwhile, Mom flat out tells Jake that Vienna sucks and she hates her. Well, not really...but they don't like her as a family unit. But then, like the total joke that is Vienna's run on this show, everyone is magically won over by her stupidity. I mean, what else could it be? This girl is a joke. He can't really like her...

Next are the final dates between Jake and the two women. This time, Vienna is first. They have a romantic day in the sulphur springs...which is basically a day in a poo-smelling nature preserve. They play in the springs and cover their bodies in mud. It's gross. Especially when she writes "I love you" on his chest in mud. Barf. Later in the evening, the washed off lovebugs reunite at Vienna's suite. They chat, they reminisce on their pointless and sex-filled relationship, and Jake throws out the quote of the year: "What was it like being married for three weeks?" Awesome. Enough said.

Tenley and Jake's final date is on a yacht. It sucks. Jake fully confesses that while their emotional chemistry is there, the physcial chemistry just isn't. He should have just been honest and said, "I am boning the sh*t out of Vienna, why isn't it the same with you?" Tenley is totally hurt, and it's awkward. Later, Jake apologizes and pretends he really likes her. Sadly, Tenley is bummed about the whole affair, but she should have thought twice about wearing the fake nails she sported on their last date which clearly played a role in this mess. (Gracias, couchmate, for that one.)

At this point in the night, it's clear. Ali is Jake's one and only, and she's the only one for him. She has it all. Physical love, emotional love, and just all-around perfection. Oh wait...

But then...dun dun dun...

All three wake up on the day of the proposal. Cut to the staged and inevitable pensive morning balcony moments. And...scene.

Next, Tenley is first to arrive in her helicopter at the proposal. She. Looks. STUNNING. She is a literal Oscar in her gold dress. Unfortunately, the lighting and sun during the time in which HE DUMPS HER makes Tenley look like a hot, sweaty mess. Literally, she's never looked worse. And it's heartbreaking because Jake cries as he dumps her, and she is crushed. He's an idiot, but I predicted this weeks ago. Worst line (from Tenley), "Thank you for showing me what I could have." Nightmare.

And then, Messy McBottom shows up in her fugly teal dress. Sadly, the lighting has bettered since the break-up with Tenley, and she looks better during the proposal than Tenley did. Boo. Jake proposes, a collective, "Ewwww" rises up from America, and we wish them luck in their break-up to come. I wish I could have watched this with Ali, who you know cheered in realizing that all her heartbreak was for naught. How could she ever fall for this mess who just proposed to a teenage bride?

Don't worry, though. To rub it in, ABC goes to montage mode as they replay the love of Jake and Vienna, underscored by the easy jazz stylings of "On The Wings of Love." B.A.R.F.

And I'm done.

----

But wait...some notes and quotes from "After the Final Rose."

-"I've never had this much heat in a relationship." Jake, talking about Vienna. Um, Jake? It's called a burning sensation from the STDs Vienna has gifted you.

-"Vienna is my baby." Jake, talking about Vienna. Exactly, Jake. She's young, stupid and dumb.

-"We'll move towards a marriage." Let me de-code this: our engagement will last until we break up.

-OMG Vienna's roots are FINALLY dyed!!!! How hard could that have been? What took so long??

-Who thinks that the following is happening?

---Jake: "Am I really marrying this mess?"

---Vienna: "Am I really marrying this goob?"

-Can you imagine Jake's family meeting Vienna's family? YIKES!

-And then...the ultimate mutable moment in Bachelor history...a live performance of "On the Wings of Love" performed by the original artist who I can't remember to which the lovers dance. I literally started sweating. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

-One last thought: this has got to be a joke.

-The next Bachelorette: Ali. Least surprising moment in history. Girlfriend has never felt so validated. Bring on the boys!

And now I'm done.

Until never,

Mike

B*tches Tell All

So I flew back from Barcelona (that's "Barthelona" to you) this afternoon after being upgraded by the boys at the American Airlines counter, and although "I don't blog the B*tches Tell All" episode, I have a few choice thoughts for you as I begin to figure out how I'll be attacking my newly-gained tapas weight at the gym this week. Ahhh, the jet-setting life I live. LA and Barcelona this past week, South Bend, Indiana in two weeks. My life is pure glamour. Almost too glamorous to take a week off from the blog. But you knew I'd do this (both blog and freak out over too many tapas, duh). I have the energy and heart for it. After all, I was able to nap in my fully-flat business class seat, as opposed to what could have happened with the plebes in coach. Can you imagine taking off without having champagne first? It's too much to fathom right now, so on to the episode.

1) There were two dudes in the audience. But only one at a time. Any one else notice that halfway through the episode, the dark-haired guy wearing a purple shirt on the left-most seat of the front row turned in to a light-haired guy wearing a tan blazer? What did they pay the lone straight dudes to show up at the girliest event of the year? And where were the gays?

2) Did Chris have a little spruce-up job? He looked very "refreshed" tonight. Maybe it's the jet lag, but Chris was looking good. Nothing like a little botox to cured the mid-winter blues.

3) This Rozlyn mess is just that, a big mess. We all know she boned the help; why can't she fess up? And how awkward was it when she accused Chris of hitting on the fired producer's wife in New Zealand? That was low. And awkward for Chris!

4) What is with Jake's bad outfits? Why the crewneck sweater under the suit tonight? And what about the tie to come in the finale?!?

5) You could totally hear the ball in Jake's throat as he addressed Ali breaking his heart (after seeing her for the first time since she left). Amazing.

6) I have the tiniest of suspicions that Jake is not happy with what happens. He looked tired, bloated and far too un-tan to be happy. Boy needs a business class trip to Barcelona.

6) The next Bachelorette is totally Ali. If it's not, I quit.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. How about Molly and Jason's upcoming wedding? I have some Grand Rapids hometown heroes who are attending the secretive ceremony and have signed their lives away to ABC so even my mom and her tennis/golf gabbing friends haven't leaked the deets. But the wedding's this weekend!

To Bone or Not To Bone

Kids...I'm blogging from my couch in New York and I woke up in sunny LA. What does that mean? It means I'm famous and I had to do some LA appearances over the long weekend. Bel Air, WeHo, Malibu, Santa Barbara, the Hills...you name it, I was there and so was the paparazzi. I stood by for an earlier flight in order to blog this mess, so stand by for some drama. And let me say, it's such a relief to be back in reality where I'm no longer followed by helicopter-razzi dying for my picture. Let me also say: why do I live in a place where it isn't 75 and sunny in mid-February? Stupid New York.

It's To Bone or Not To Bone night, and we're eagerly awaiting the boning we have all come to expect. Also, our setting this evening is lovely St. Lucia. Thank God that the recession is over (ha) and we're back in the islands.

First up is Gia. The lovers take a boat to the market and hang with the locals. Jake buys Gia a heinous necklace that Gia promises to wear (on her wrist!) for the rest of her life. We'll see if she stays true to that promise. After a wonderful day in paradise (if paradise is hanging with the locals who play dirty plastic canisters as drums), Gia and Jake reunite for a dinner on the beach in Smuggler's Cove. Gia accepts the Fantasy Date proposal and they take a hot bath in more ways than one. And then ABC cuts to commercial. Did they bone? I vote no. She didn't say she loved him and our Jake is a traditional boy.

Next comes Tenley. She wears the cutest dress of the evening as they take a helicopter tour of St. Lucia. Afterwards, they picnic in the rainforest. Is the couple natural enough yet? Does Tenley seem comfortable with Jake, or is she still hung up on her ex? Speaking of the ex, I wish I would have invented the TEDG (Tenley's Ex Drinking Game) earlier. Every time Tenley mentions her ex, viewers must take a shot. I would have taken four this evening...and I would have been sloshed writing this. Instead, I ate the treats Grandma sent in the mail last week. Healthy choices for healthy living. At dinner, Tenley tells Jake that she's falling in love with him, and Jake is touched. After pretending that the Fantasy Date Suite is a big deal earlier in the date, Tenley quickly accepts the proposal. Jake is totally falling for her, and by this point in the date, I'm convinced that she really does like Jake. And Jake LOVES her values and moral compass. Do they bone? I bet not. But I'm guessing we had some third base action going on.

Last up is the last place mess (in my mind), Vienna. They spend the day on a pirate ship because Vienna is 12. The make out session on the bow is underscored by a symphony playing "On the Wings of Love," and I vomit up the treats I referenced earlier. The lovers frolic on the beach and roll around in the sand in a very PG-13 sort of way. We'll pretend like Jake doesn have backne during this date, and we'll move on. At dinner, Vienna (surprise!) tells Jake she's falling in love with him, amidst numerous idiotic comments. Jake is totally in to Vienna, and we're still stumped. Does he really see spending his life with her?!? I mean, sure, she's good for a bone on the beach, but do you want that mess sharing a bed with you for life? At least he admits before dinner that he needs to find the "substance to her heart." Um...you and the rest of America. Bad dresses, horrific bikinis, and hip tattoos can only get a girl so far in life. We need some substance, people. But as Jake digs for her substance at dinner, he also asks her what kind of engagement ring she would like. Jigga WHAT?!?!?! She says something about bling and we all barf. Later, she accepts the Fantasy Date proposal, changes in to lingerie for him, and they totally bone.

Next comes the least surprising part of the episode: Ali calls Jake to say she's made a mistake. DUH. No one is surprised. She wants to come back and apologizes profusely and Jake is a confused mess. He totally wants her back, but he let's his head make the decision and tells Ali that he is further along with the other girls and doesn't think it's a good idea for her to return. Ali is crushed, and her employer (Facebook) wins. Sad. But guess who the next Bachelorette will be? Total foregone conclusion. Bye Ali...we love you...and we'll see you this summer back on ABC!

Next, Jake watches the always-uncomfortable video messages from the three girls, and we're at the rose ceremony.

1) Tenley
2) Vienna

Bye: Gia. Let's be honest...we're not surprised. But let me say this: Gia's goodbye to Jake was perhaps the most graceful and well-delivered goodbye in history. I now respect her and her Staten Island roots more than I ever have, and I honestly feel badly for her. Who knew swimsuit models had feelings? I also feel bad that she was sweating like a whore in church while saying her goodbye, and the fools on set who didn't offer up a hanky for that mess should be punished.

Meanwhile, can we address the fact that Vienna is in the top two? I mean, we're not surprised, and rumors in the blogosphere are as good as truth; but she is a mess and I can't handle it. And who wears a pooch-accentuating-floorlength-diamond-bedazzled dress in St Lucia's tropical climate? What is Jake thinking?

Another note: how much would I pay to know what was going through Tenley's head as she stood there with Jake and Vienna at the end? I'm thinking it's something in the realm of, "OMG I am so much better than this tranny mess but I would never say that on camera in my baby voice because I'm not the b*tch this season...I'm the divorcee who has only boned her ex and I'm too sweet to really say that." Just sayin'...

Awards:
1) Worst editing: ABC. What happened to the days of audio from the Fantasy Suite after the doors are shut? I'm talking sex noises people...where are they? Oh, if we could only re-visit the Andrew Firestone days...
2) Surprise: Jake's "no" to Ali. :(
3) Worst dress: Vienna's rose ceremony dress. Surprise!
4) Sweatiest: Gia. Do you think she sweats like that on a swimsuit shoot? Eeek.

Until the Finale (I don't blog the "B*tches Tell All" episode...duh),

Mike