The first date is a one-on-one with Ashley S. (Ms. First Impression Rose), the 24 year-old NYC nanny. She and Bromack head to Capitol Records in Hollywood to sing perhaps the worst rendition of Seal's "Kiss From a Rose" ever heard by our collective ears. What we don't know before our ears burn off in misery is that this is Ashley's song with her dad (her dead dad). Daddy issues, people. Clearly I mute the television in horror as they murder their way through the song. I also mute it as Bromack tells Ashley that "she makes (him) feel relaxed that (he) can be (him)self with her." Yup, you said the same thing to three girls last week. Then...surprise!...Seal makes a cameo to show them how you actually sing the song "Kiss From a Rose." Why is his face so messed up, you ask? Heidi Klum's beauty melted it off. Clearly. Then Bromack tells Ashley again that, "This is the first date I can truly be myself," because he's never said that before...except for 20 minutes ago. Clearly he kisses Ashley and gives her a rose. Especially after she talks about her dead dad.
The next date is a busy mess of filming action movies with far too many neon-clad activewear-donning bimbos. Michelle and all her crazy is sure to attend this date, as is Shawntel and her acting and kissing prowess. Brad sets up the date by stating this gem: "I love to get dirty, and I want a wife that does the same thing." Don't we all? I mean, in my case I don't like being dirty and I don't want a wife, but you get the idea, no? After they film their action flick, the crew heads to a--wait for it--rooftop pool party. Dead Dad Story #2 soon comes out as Chantal shares her sob story with Brad. Is he putting it together than everyone has lost someone, or is he too busy thinking of the next bland thing to say? Methinks the latter. I also think that Brad's boobs are bigger than most of the girls' boobs this season. Is this an issue? Well, we don't have time to think about it, because Michelle and her crazy show up to the party and she interrupts his one-on-one time with Alli (whose boobs may actually outsize Brad's). In addition, I would like to point out Brad's classy cross tattoo. Real religious, that one. Shawntel gets the rose.
The last date is the much anticipated one-on-one with Emily, a.k.a. the "Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Teresa." The date is all about breaking down Emily's walls. She gets her big chance to tell Bromack about her dead husband and (alive) daughter. But first they have to take a dreaded flight to wine country. For the first half of the date, Brad pushes Emily to open up and she doesn't take the bait. Then, magically, the sun sets and she comes clean at dinner. Bromack has not only broken down her walls, he's broken down his own. Is he actually falling for her? Are his own messy walls crumbling? He gives Emily a rose.
Before the rose ceremony, Brad meets with his therapist (what?!?!) while wearing his 82nd henley of the night. Kudos to the styling team for staying on trend and ensuring we can see Brad's guns in all his slutty tops. The therapist tells Brad that he's allowing women in. Yay for Brad. Unfortunately he has yet to let a personality in and he's a net zero. Baby steps...
At the rose ceremony, Michelle stays in character and is mad that he talks to anyone but her. Um, you're on the Best Program on Television, The Bachelor. The Bachelor is going to talk to all the women because it's a trashy dating show and he needs to make "informed" decisions about who he's not going to propose to. So stop being Crazy. Playing her role, though, she interrupts another conversation of Brad's to instigate their first "fight." Underscored by crazy carnival music, Michelle asks him to explain himself for kissing other girls. Oddly, he stills likes her and seems utterly fooled by her antics, while the rest of America is dying. Luckily we can chalk this up to Brad's idiocy. So we're good.
Madison, the fang-wearing actress, quickly sheds her fangs while talking to Brad and says she's thinking of leaving. We also get to see her side-boob in this conversation, which is going to do her no favors in her acting/modeling career. Next on the threatening-to-leave team is Ashley H. But Bromack tries to reassure her...by giving her a sloppy kiss.
And the winners are:
1) Ashley S.
2) Shawntel
3) Emily
4) Michelle
5) Chantal
6) Goes to...um...wait...Madison then excuses herself in a moment of drama saying she would rather go home than take a rose from someone more deserving. Awesome. As an actress, we hope she gets the attention she's after and lands some other reality show contract to further her D-level career. Best of luck.
6) Lisa. Who are you, again?
7) Jackie
8) Ashley H.
9) Marissa
10) Britt
11) Alli
12) Lindsey
13) Meghan. Who?
14) Stacey
Byeeeeeeee: Madison, Kimberly, Sarah.
Awards:
1) Quote. "I want to be in Tahiti practicing making babies with Brad" (or something similar). Michelle.
2) Worst costume: Madison's fangs.
3) Crazy: Michelle.
4) Frontrunner: Emily.
5) Best mascara tears yet: Sarah's!!! YES!
Until next week,
Mike
P.S. I hope to land from Sundance in time for a very timely blog, but it depends on who discovers me. Or if I'm on a date with Jake Gyllenhaal.
P.P.S. In honor of MLK Day, I would like to point out (with the help of others) that there are no black contestants. Um...do I need to say I have a dream?
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