So let's get to it. The first date with Bromack goes to Ashley H., the dentist. She wears a dress that makes her look like a cake topper, but we'll forgive her for a minute. Brad picks Ashley up in a hot convertible that he could never afford and whisks her away to...wait for it...a dark dirt road. Totally romantic, right? Especially when their navigating the dark dirt road in formal wear and heels (on her, not Brad). But then they flip a light switch, and on turns the carnival. They ride rides, take photo booth shots, share a rather intense first kiss, and then share an even more intense first convo. Turns out they both have distant dads (hers is homeless, his is just gone--she wins) and his walls come crashing down. Granted, the torn down walls reveal a guy just as boring as before, but at least he was honest. He's falling for her. He even says he can "just be me." Forget about the fact that "me" is boring and weird, but at least he's himself? Needless to say, Ashley gets a rose.
Date number two is a clusterf@*$. I mean 15 girls on one date? Really? First, the 15 ladies "give back" by filming Red Cross awareness commercials with Brad. Give blood, people. The commercials and acting are horrible, and as expected, the fangs come out (literally at one point). Melissa interrupts a scene she's not in by entering the set and kissing Brad, Michelle storms off the set because it's her birthday and she's not getting what she wants, and Britt takes her kissing scene to the next level. Is anyone else actually believing that she's 30? As a wise 31-year-old myself, I ain't falling for this mess. Girlfriend looks a good 38. Just sayin'. After the filming, the small army heads to an after party on a rooftop where Melissa gets her much-wanted one-on-one time after which she is confronted for being crazy by Rachel. Melissa is quickly shaping up to be this season's crazy, or Cray Cray for short. Michelle the bitchy birthday girl gets the rose because Brad feels bad, and that is that.
Date three is a one-on-one with Jackie. Combined, neither seem to have much to offer, let's be honest. It's like the couple you invite to all your parties because they're pretty and it's good to have pretty friends, but they add nothing to the situation and you always seat them at one end of the table so they don't drag everyone down. Right? Glad we're on the same page. (Sidenote: all my friends are hot, obvi, but I'm just trying to make a point.) Back to the date. It's romantic, they get pampered, she gets dresses and jewelry, and even gets her name on the Hollywood Bowl sign. Famous (like me). At the Bowl, they share a romantic dinner on stage. Are they clicking? Is this fun? We're not sure. And then Brad is completely dumbfounded by the fact that she's barely dated. He's like uber-concerned about the fact that this may be too much of a risk for him and he's inventing problems for himself. Um, projecting much? Remember three years ago when you left two idiots at the alter? But he gives her a rose anyway because he wants to give this a "shot." It's like he's just prolonging the break up. But whatever. Then Train shows up and plays their overplayed song. They dance. They kiss (to the song "Marry Me" no less!!!! Premature, no?). And it's over.
Back at the rose ceremony, Bromack arrives and is immediately assaulted (or taken away, depending on the eyes of the viewer) by Michelle. Her first question for him? "Do you prefer Starbucks or the Coffee Bean?" Important stuff, people. Groundbreaking, in fact. Is Michelle Cray Cray, or is Melissa? Well...it might still be Melissa. Because she confronts Rachel again. Pretty sure about nothing and I can't really figure out what Melissa's motives are. Regardless, Rachel gets bent out of shape, Melissa spins it that Rachel's actually crazy, and we have confirmation. Melissa is Cray Cray #1. The b*tches both go to Ashley S. to vent, to which Ashley responds (smartly), "Worry about yourself." Thank you. Could not have said it better myself.
Don't worry Bachelorites, the drama continues. Melissa then sits down with a wide-eyed Bromack to win him over to her side. He responds with "Oh my god, you're crying." What he really means is, "OMG you're Cray Cray and it's been two days." Melissa continues with the fact she feels targeted by Rachel. And next she says she's had four slices of pizza with onions. Because that's important. Like really important, and totally pertinent to the situation she's created in her crazy mind. Just as important as the bottle of wine I just HOUSED because this show is so horrible. But it gets better because Rachel cries to Brad next. Oh poor brainless Brad.
Luckily Chris interrupts the situation with a feisty little twist. Who is here for the right reasons? Ali and Roberto show up to help us out with this, with what I'm sure is their last public appearance before their break-up that has already happened. They grill each of the girls one by one. The looks on their faces are priceless. Like, was this really in our contract? We don't even love each other and now we have to listen to Melissa cry one minute after meeting us? They don't even know who Rachel is, and yet they have to listen to this mess? Poor kids. A couple comments: 1) Roberto wasn't sweating; and 2) Ali looks older. Right? Roberto has relaxed and Ali has aged. Typical.
After Ali and Roberto's chats and their download to Bromack, he gives a rose to Emily.
Roses go to
1) Ashley H.
2) Michelle
3) Jackie
4) Emily
5) Chantal O.
6) Sara
7) Alli
8) Kimberly
9) Shawntel N.
10) Stacey
11) Ashley S.
12) Madison
13) Lisa
14) Marissa
15) Meghan
16) Lindsey
17) Britt
So both Melissa and Rachel go home...a first-ever surprise dismissal of the crazy one!
Tonight's awards...
1) Frontrunner: Ashley H.
2) Villain: Michelle
3) Crazy (Cray Cray): Melissa. Good riddance.
4) Least attractive crop of girls in this show's history: Bingo...this season's.
5) Worst dressed: The Oregon football team. Who are they kidding with neon green/yellow socks and shoelaces and wing decals on their jerseys?
Until next week,
Mike
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