This Mess Keeps Chugging Along

This show is a trainwreck, and she just keeps chugging. Clearly, I have an all-you-can-ride pass, so I'm back and your lives just got better. That said, I'm busy and important, so I just can't get too in to this tonight as I just wrapped a photo shoot and I'm simply beat.

But let's just say, I love Ali, and she's famous. And nervous!

Our cast of characters:

Chris, Vancouver, Canada?

Jesse, Peculiar, MO

Chris L., Cape Cod

Ty, Nashville

Frank, Chicago - the hambone who jumped out of the sunroof

Justin, Toronto, Canada? Entertainment Wrestler? Two wrongs don't make a right.

Jay, Barrington, RI. Personal injury lawyer. Yikes.

Chris, Florida

Kasey, Cali - Not sure where his voice is coming from.

Kyle, Colorado - Outdoorsman.

Roberto, Charleston, SC

Craig, Toronto, Canada? Douchey McGee. Hair alert.

John, Wichita, KS

Tyler, VT

John, Issaquah, WA - Proposed with fake diamond and the flaming House Gay

Jonathan, Houston, TX - Weatherman

Craig R., Philly, PA

Steve, Cleveland, OH

Kirk, Green Bay, WI

Tyler, Austin, TX - Catering Manager who mistook Ali for wearing cowboy boots with Jake

Hunter, San Antonio, TX

Derek, Warren, MI - Worst suit of the night

Phil, Chicago, IL

Derrick, San Diego, CA - "Shooter"

Jason, Denver, CO - Back flip off the limo. Makes me nervous.

Some comments:

Kirk made a scrapbook.

Kevin is overzealous.

Kasey has an interesting voice.

Hunter plays the ukulele.

Derrick prematurely ejaculates and tells Ali. WHAT? I can't.

Chris L. says his parents are still together even though his mom passed away.

There are no black guys.

There are no Asian guys.

First Impression Rose goes to: Roberto. Least surprising moment of the night.

Big Twist Alert. Chris Harrison asks the guys to submit the name of the dude(s) who isn't there for the right reason. Awesome. Nothing like starting the drama early! Once the guy's name is revealed, Ali can choose whether or not to keep him around. And the dude everyone voted off is...dun dun dun...Justin, the professional wrestler dude with a busted foot. Ali decides to keep him. Blah.

At the rose ceremony, Ali chooses:

1) Roberto (First Impression)

2) Justin (saved for "not being there for the right reasons")

3) Jesse

4) Ty

5) Craig R.

6) Tyler B.

7) Frank

8) Steve

9) Chris L.

10) Kirk

11) John C.

12) Chris N.

13) Chris H.

14) Hunter

15) Craig M. Because every season needs a villain.

16) Jonathan

17) Kasey with a K

Awards:

1) Cutest - Chris H.

2) Frontrunner - Roberto and Hunter. It's a tie.

3) Gayest - John from Washington

4) Love At First Sight - Roberto

5) Most Canadian - Unfortunately it's an 82-way tie with Chris, Justin and Craig

6) D-bag Alert - Craig M.

Until next week (before which I will be on the West coast for some PR appearances, wine tastings, etc.),

Mike