To Bone or Not To Bone

Kids...I'm blogging from my couch in New York and I woke up in sunny LA. What does that mean? It means I'm famous and I had to do some LA appearances over the long weekend. Bel Air, WeHo, Malibu, Santa Barbara, the Hills...you name it, I was there and so was the paparazzi. I stood by for an earlier flight in order to blog this mess, so stand by for some drama. And let me say, it's such a relief to be back in reality where I'm no longer followed by helicopter-razzi dying for my picture. Let me also say: why do I live in a place where it isn't 75 and sunny in mid-February? Stupid New York.

It's To Bone or Not To Bone night, and we're eagerly awaiting the boning we have all come to expect. Also, our setting this evening is lovely St. Lucia. Thank God that the recession is over (ha) and we're back in the islands.

First up is Gia. The lovers take a boat to the market and hang with the locals. Jake buys Gia a heinous necklace that Gia promises to wear (on her wrist!) for the rest of her life. We'll see if she stays true to that promise. After a wonderful day in paradise (if paradise is hanging with the locals who play dirty plastic canisters as drums), Gia and Jake reunite for a dinner on the beach in Smuggler's Cove. Gia accepts the Fantasy Date proposal and they take a hot bath in more ways than one. And then ABC cuts to commercial. Did they bone? I vote no. She didn't say she loved him and our Jake is a traditional boy.

Next comes Tenley. She wears the cutest dress of the evening as they take a helicopter tour of St. Lucia. Afterwards, they picnic in the rainforest. Is the couple natural enough yet? Does Tenley seem comfortable with Jake, or is she still hung up on her ex? Speaking of the ex, I wish I would have invented the TEDG (Tenley's Ex Drinking Game) earlier. Every time Tenley mentions her ex, viewers must take a shot. I would have taken four this evening...and I would have been sloshed writing this. Instead, I ate the treats Grandma sent in the mail last week. Healthy choices for healthy living. At dinner, Tenley tells Jake that she's falling in love with him, and Jake is touched. After pretending that the Fantasy Date Suite is a big deal earlier in the date, Tenley quickly accepts the proposal. Jake is totally falling for her, and by this point in the date, I'm convinced that she really does like Jake. And Jake LOVES her values and moral compass. Do they bone? I bet not. But I'm guessing we had some third base action going on.

Last up is the last place mess (in my mind), Vienna. They spend the day on a pirate ship because Vienna is 12. The make out session on the bow is underscored by a symphony playing "On the Wings of Love," and I vomit up the treats I referenced earlier. The lovers frolic on the beach and roll around in the sand in a very PG-13 sort of way. We'll pretend like Jake doesn have backne during this date, and we'll move on. At dinner, Vienna (surprise!) tells Jake she's falling in love with him, amidst numerous idiotic comments. Jake is totally in to Vienna, and we're still stumped. Does he really see spending his life with her?!? I mean, sure, she's good for a bone on the beach, but do you want that mess sharing a bed with you for life? At least he admits before dinner that he needs to find the "substance to her heart." Um...you and the rest of America. Bad dresses, horrific bikinis, and hip tattoos can only get a girl so far in life. We need some substance, people. But as Jake digs for her substance at dinner, he also asks her what kind of engagement ring she would like. Jigga WHAT?!?!?! She says something about bling and we all barf. Later, she accepts the Fantasy Date proposal, changes in to lingerie for him, and they totally bone.

Next comes the least surprising part of the episode: Ali calls Jake to say she's made a mistake. DUH. No one is surprised. She wants to come back and apologizes profusely and Jake is a confused mess. He totally wants her back, but he let's his head make the decision and tells Ali that he is further along with the other girls and doesn't think it's a good idea for her to return. Ali is crushed, and her employer (Facebook) wins. Sad. But guess who the next Bachelorette will be? Total foregone conclusion. Bye Ali...we love you...and we'll see you this summer back on ABC!

Next, Jake watches the always-uncomfortable video messages from the three girls, and we're at the rose ceremony.

1) Tenley
2) Vienna

Bye: Gia. Let's be honest...we're not surprised. But let me say this: Gia's goodbye to Jake was perhaps the most graceful and well-delivered goodbye in history. I now respect her and her Staten Island roots more than I ever have, and I honestly feel badly for her. Who knew swimsuit models had feelings? I also feel bad that she was sweating like a whore in church while saying her goodbye, and the fools on set who didn't offer up a hanky for that mess should be punished.

Meanwhile, can we address the fact that Vienna is in the top two? I mean, we're not surprised, and rumors in the blogosphere are as good as truth; but she is a mess and I can't handle it. And who wears a pooch-accentuating-floorlength-diamond-bedazzled dress in St Lucia's tropical climate? What is Jake thinking?

Another note: how much would I pay to know what was going through Tenley's head as she stood there with Jake and Vienna at the end? I'm thinking it's something in the realm of, "OMG I am so much better than this tranny mess but I would never say that on camera in my baby voice because I'm not the b*tch this season...I'm the divorcee who has only boned her ex and I'm too sweet to really say that." Just sayin'...

Awards:
1) Worst editing: ABC. What happened to the days of audio from the Fantasy Suite after the doors are shut? I'm talking sex noises people...where are they? Oh, if we could only re-visit the Andrew Firestone days...
2) Surprise: Jake's "no" to Ali. :(
3) Worst dress: Vienna's rose ceremony dress. Surprise!
4) Sweatiest: Gia. Do you think she sweats like that on a swimsuit shoot? Eeek.

Until the Finale (I don't blog the "B*tches Tell All" episode...duh),

Mike