Return of the (Bro)Mack

I know, I said I was on vacation (and I am), but I caught the last 45 minutes of this certifiable trainwreck last night, after a bottle of wine and a delicious dinner on the beach. First off , ABC has officially lost its collective marbles in re-casting Brad Womack—hereafter known as Bromack—after two of its most successful iterations of the show in recent history (Jake and Ali). I mean, does this guy even have a job? Let alone a personality?!? Besides standing up two women on national television during his first stint as the Bachelor, Bromack is the quintessential spineless Yes Man. He has no personality, is entirely disingenuous, and adds nothing to any situation besides some nicely coiffed stubble. I mean, talking to Bromack is like talking to a brick wall with a beard. Sure the guy is good looking, but aren’t we all?

I won’t get in to the run-down of each and every of the 30 (30?!?) hoes desperately vying for a chance at spending their lives with a personality-free brick wall, but I will share some highlights I saw.

What’s with the girl who repeatedly got interrupted during her time with Brad? The blonde one from Illinois wearing The. Most. Heinous. dress in recent memory? Um…yeah, that’s why you got screwed, woman. Seriously. Royal blue floor-length satin with a faux-diamond-encrusted choker neck? Who are we kidding with that? This isn't prom circa 1994.

Madison has legitimate fangs? I just can’t. Is she serious with that mess? Sure, Bromack has abs, but this isn’t Twilight, and he isn’t Taylor Lautner. (Doesn't Twilight have something to do with vampires? Clearly I haven't seen it.)

Jackie is an embarrassment to us all when she sings to Bromack an improvised song with her horrible voice.

Ashley S. is cute, and thus wins the First Impression Rose. But as devil’s advocate, did anyone else think everything she said was rehearsed and entirely gaming him? I mean, who really just wants to be his friend and confidant throughout all this. Not me. (I also secretly love that she’s this down-home Southern chick who is a nanny in the City. Those poor city kids are going to grown up with a twang and they’ll never be accepted in East Hampton.)

So with that, Bromack chooses his 20 lady friends to whom he will offer no substance this season.

1) Ashley S.

2) Michelle the mom and “woman”

3) Kimberly

4) Madison the fang-wielding monster

5) Emily

6) Rachel

7) Kelty (sp?)

8) Ashley H.

9) Megan

10) Lisa M.

11) Lindsey

12) Allie

13) Sarah P.

14) Marissa

15) Brit

16) Stacy

17) Shauntelle M.

18) Jackie

19) Melissa

20) Shauntelle O. Because why wouldn’t there be two Shauntelles?

Awards:

1) Worst dress: The heinous blue number with the diamond neckline. Yowza. She got a bargain at Filene’s on that one.

2) Personality-free: Bromack

3) This season’s Villain: Michelle

One last note: looks like the travel budget is back up, people. Goodbye recession, hello Anguilla, Costa Rica, and South Africa! At least they’re spending money on something, ‘cause good lord we know Bromack came cheap!

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. Follow me on Twitter @mhondorp