The Finale

To wed, or not to wed? That is the question.

Tonight is the night; it's down to the final two. Will it be Roberto or Chris? Roberto is the first to meet Ali's family in the hut on the ocean in Bora Bora. Predictably sweaty, Roberto charms the fam with his Latino ways and his dimples for days. There is nothing too special about the date. Her family likes him, his dad blesses their potential marriage and they salsa dance as a family. Because that's what you do what a Latino is potentially joining the family. No need for generalizations or anything. The only unfortunate moment of the evening is when her mother says, "Yo creo que tu corazon es puro." I think your heart is pure. Ewww...awkward.

Next up is Massachusetts native Chris. Clearly the family loves him and his Mass accent and all the crazy similarities like Canadian dads, moms who were nurses and teacher pasts. I'm a little worried that he's more in to her than she is in to him, but Dad blesses their potential marriage regardless. And then they all swim together...Dad's hairy back and all. It's clear that Chris is more genuine and we all love him.

For the last-ditch date, Roberto and Ali do it up. Sea Doos, stingrays and make outs in the rain--the date was perfect. Later at night, Ali arrives at Roberto's hut. Roberto, looking particularly stunning in his Bonobos khakis (that I sent to the producer in March, thankyouverymuch), greets Ali with kisses hugs and inevitable romance. He also gives her a cute picture frame with some romantic Spanglish on the back. She loves him, but oddly doesn't say it. He does, though.

The next day is Chris's last chance. I'm not going to lie, I'm secretly gunning for Chris. He's just perfect and so cute and in love with her. Unfortunately, Ali arrives looking and feeling out of sorts. Ever the open book, she doesn't even kiss him upon entering his hut, and she starts chatting with him and confessing her confusion and feelings like he's some random girlfriend. Cutting right to the chase (which makes me respect her, even though she's breaking my heart), Ali tells Chris that she's fallen in love with Roberto and doesn't want to put him through another date and the stress of a rose ceremony when she's not going to pick him. Sad...but so upstanding of Ali. Chris is crushed, but stays strong and sweet, and only sheds a tear after she leaves. To make emotions worse, a full rainbow appears on the horizon as he contemplates his loss...and he says it's a sign from his mom that everything is alright. I totally cried. Luckily I know where he lives on the Cape and I'll bring him a growler of Cape Cod beer and a hot chick to help him get over it. Any takers?

So...on the day of the rose ceremony, Roberto picks out a ring. He also says he'll only propose if it's right for him. Last minute cold feet? Is his perfection wearing off?

As Roberto approaches via boat, Ali stands atop a mountain in her expected shade of dress awaiting her prince. He heads up and arrives, messed up collar and all. The lovers embrace, and he's a nervous mess. Roberto launches into a full on speech...avoiding eye contact...and she tells him he's the only one there that day. A sweaty, sweaty Roberto then gets on one knee and proposes.

It's just not very romantic. But we wish them the best of luck. God knows they'll need it.

And then...as if this show couldn't get cheesier, the play-out music is from the effing Lion King. I mean...

Please, Baby Jesus, don't let him turn crazy like Jake.

Until never,

Mike

To Bone or Not To Bone: Version 82

I'm back, freshly-tanned, and better than ever after taking a week off from the blog. Sorry kids, had some work to do in the Hamptons...

Last night's episode was the famed To Bone or Not To Bone episode, in which Ali and the guys have to decide whether or not to sleep together. It's always one of my favorites, and this episode didn't let us down. I mean, it had major potential to leave us high and dry what with all the promo and promised drama from Frank (aka Crazy Pants). But ABC's repeated commercials and teasers didn't really let us down all that much. Frank is, in fact, the douche we expected him to be and he has therefore influenced a large set of women that men do, in fact, suck. I, for one, remain hopeful that men are okay at their core...but Frank ain't helping my cause.

Before the lovers fly to Tahiti to bone, we have our special time with Frank in Chicago, who is agonizing over a mysterious ex-girlfriend with whom he's fallen back in love through his feelings for Ali. Wait, what? Yes, that is what Frank says has happened. By falling for Ali (rather, by obsessing over Ali and being in love with her before he even met her), Frank has fallen for his less cute ex-girlfriend Nicole. To deal with these heavy feelings, he has decided to visit Nicole in Chicago to spend 10 minutes with her so he can decide if he should spend the rest of his life with her (the usual), or if he should keep being obsessively crazy about Ali. He stops by Nicole's apartment (hotel room paid by ABC) unannounced (announced, although Nicole certainly didn't dress for the occasion in a dumpy yellow t-shirt, but whatever), and tells Nicole that his feelings for her have come rushing back. He talks a little too much about Ali in my opinion, but after five minutes with Nicole, he decides to spend his life with her. Barf. I'm officially over Frank, although I certainly was never under him. What is this guy? And who does he think he is? More importantly, why does Ali actually like him? More on that later.

Back in Tahiti, Ali's first date is with a very sweaty Roberto. I'd lay into him more about this, but I know I'd be just as sweaty as him if I were in a tropical venue with cameras all over me, so I'll be kind of nice here. But dude did have major pit stains and sweat dribbles the ENTIRE episode. Must be his Latino heat. The date starts with, surprise, a helicopter. The copter deposits the lovebirds on a private island with a heart-shaped (I'll use that term loosely) lagoon. They swim, frolick, and make out heavily in the water. Later, at dinner, Roberto opens up a bit through the sweat, and tells Ali that he's falling in love with her. My favorite part, though? The fact that Roberto seems genuinely surprised at the inevitable Fantasy Suite offer from Chris Harrison. My cohort on the couch last night thought the same. It's so funny how on The Bachelor, all the girls know what's coming and half the time they don't even read the note. The Bachelorette, however, is full of dudes who don't watch trashy TV (wait, what?) and are genuinely surprised that they get to bone--I mean, spend the night with--Ali. Roberto chooses to bone.

The next day, Ali meets Chris. After one of the more successful home visits the week before, we're all anxiously awaiting a good date. Their date begins with a boat ride to another private island. The boat drops them at sea, and the lovers make their way to shore....wearing Aquasocks. At first I thought Chris just made a horrible wardrobe choice, but then I saw they were both wearing unfortunate footwear, and I decided ABC made them do it. Phew! At one point during the date I freaked out and wondered to myself, "Is Chris boring?" but then he saved himself by being cute, honest, and confessing his love to Ali. He came outta nowhere with that one. Who would have thought that shy little Chris would be the most profuse expresser of love? Loved it. Chris also chooses to bone.

Lastly, Frank shows up looking like a mess and chats with Dr. Chris about his re-discovered love for unfortunate Nicole back home. After some paternal advice from Chris, it's Frank's turn to have a date with Ali. Oh wait, no date today because he gone and fell back in love with someone else even though he was crazy about Ali since day one or before. Ugh...stupid Frank. Ali arrives to Frank's bungalow excited to see him (and oddly convinced he's staying around to meet her family, as she later confessed). But hold up...Frank needs to talk. A very stunned Ali is heartbroken as she hears Frank tell her of this mystery chick he's never once mentioned before. I mean, really Frank? Everyone mentions their past loves on this show. Why didn't you? Jackass. Frank tells Ali that he's in love with Nicole and he's leaving the show. What I'm most surprised about here is Ali's reaction and that she actually, really liked him. Poor Ali. But better to know now, right?

My favorite quotes were these:

Ali: "I gave up everything to be here."

Frank: "I gave up everything too."

Ali: "Apparently not everything."

Two points for Ali. And scene.

At the rose ceremony, Ali chooses Chris and sweaty Roberto (duh), but insists they choose her back and actually accept the rose, as opposed to just being given the rose. Cute.

Good riddance to sweater-folding Frank.

Tonight's awards.

1) Douchebag: Frank

2) Sweatiest: Roberto

3) Most cryptic description of why Frank wasn't at the rose ceremony before she gave roses to Chris and Roberto: Ali. Those poor guys had no idea what was going on!

4) Predicted winner: Roberto?

Until two weeks from now (lord knows I ain't blogging the Bitches Tell All episode from the Cape),

Mike

P.S. To tide you over in my absence, you should all watch THIS AMAZING VIDEO. It's unbeweaveable.

And then there were four. But who cares because Jake and Vienna are back!

Ali and the guys go to Portugal to fall in love even more. Ali chose four guys; no one is surprised.

1) Roberto

2) Frank

3) Chris

4) Kirk

Yay. Now to what's important: Jake and Vienna are back to tell us about their break-up! Break-up? What break-up? Oh, the one plastered across every cover of every magazine on newstands? Yeah, that break-up.

Besides the fact that Jake looks old, he is also a douche. I think I'm on Team Vienna. They pitter patter and go back and forth for a good 20 minutes about nothing. It's clear Vienna is still a little dumb and confused, but Jake is not. He knows what he's doing, and he always has. You gotta feel sorry for the girl. Plucked from a trailer park and sent to LA only to be ignored by her man who doesn't love her and is just interested in himself. Duh.

So they break up. He thinks she undermines him because she has a voice, and she thinks he doesn't love her because, well, he probably doesn't. And in the midst of the argument, Jake totally yells at Vienna on camera, and it's sealed ("PLEASE STOP INTERRUPTING ME!!!" in that guy-is-about-to-beat-his-wife-and-doesn't-want-the-kids-to-hear kind of stifled yell). Dude sucks. Fame hungry, camera-coached, and overly tanned and whitened, Jake is fast-tracking from B-lister to D-lister in a HOT minute. And I love it every minute of it.

One-way flight back to Dallas. Paging Jake! Final boarding call!

Until next week,

Mike

One Bazaar (sic) Night

I ain't even got no time for a witty intro, so here goes. OMG. WTF?!? The moment we all knew was coming kicks off the episode in a grand fashion when Jessie, the boring Canadian chick on last season's Bachelor who we all forgot about because she lacked a personality, calls Ali to inform her that Justin has a girlfriend (cue the feigned shock on behalf of all of the thirteen people watching this show). Then, in awesomely dramatic fashion, Jessie passes the phone to the actual girlfriend, Jessica, an overly-tanned, fake-eyelashed Canadian. Yes, "overly-tanned" and "Canadian" were just in the same sentence. Jessica, struggling through fake tears for the camera, informs Ali that Justin went on the show to further his career and get famous, telling her all along that he'd come back to her and that they're meant to be together. Even though we all knew this was coming, we collectively love this, right? But it gets better.

After hearing the "shocking" news, Ali struts down to the guys' room to confront Justin in front of the dudes that hate him. Upon hearing that Ali has spoken with Justin's girlfriend, Justin, without any defense, ups and walks away (in his trashfest sweatpants emblazoned with some idiot logo) and leaves the place with his bag and passport. It was the ultimate character shift from cocksure jackass to tail-between-his-legs p*ssy (okay, I hate that word, but it was called for). What will hereafter be known as the Biggest P*ssy Moment Ever, Justin evades Ali and her questions and runs around like a loon on the Turkish hotel grounds trying his best to avoid cameras and questions. Dude was walking through gardens and groundcover and reflecting pools. It was awesome. Finally, he summons the courage to talk to Ali. If anyone ever wants a lesson on how to tell when a man is lying, simply play this minute-long segment on repeat. It. Was. AWESOME. Just fumbling for words, creating stories, not making eye contact.

And cue Justin's departure. In what was perhaps one of the best editing jobs in recent Bachelor/Bachelorette history, Justin's exit from the property was not to music, but to the voicemails he left his girlfriend back in Canada DURING the taping of the show. They were filled with "I love yous" and pathetic fodder that just begged to be played on national TV. How much ABC payed the girlfriend for these, we will never know, but it was amazing. So, goodbye to who I labeled this season's D-Bag...best of luck in "entertainment wrestling" now that all of North America knows you're a phony.

Now back to reality. This episode our "world tour" has taken us to Turkey. Kudos to Turkey for getting an awesome pitch to visit their country. ABC made this place look like heaven, what with its architecture, topography and culture--it was as if the Turkish tourism department spent their entire budget on this one episode of this crappy show. Oh wait, they probably did. Anyway, the first one-on-one date goes to Ty, our conservative Nashvillian. The date was pretty much boring. Ali is a dead giveaway when she views these guys as friends, and at this point, that's what Ty is. Even though they rub each other down in the Turkish baths and share a romantic dinner, it was neither special nor bad. Just nice. A few notes, though. Did anyone notice Ty's man-boobs? Wow. Also, how about his admission that his divorce was because he didn't like his wife working? Um...where are we? 1962 Jackson, Mississippi on the set of "The Help"???!!?? He gets a rose anyway because Ali probably figured Justin already went home, so why not?

The next date is bazaar (sic). (Duh, I totally know it's bizarre, but we're in Turkey, so play along.) Chris, Roberto, Kirk and Craig accompany Ali on a group date to some ancient castle thing. Then they strip down and lather up in olive oil and wrestle each other. You know, just like a normal date. The dudes first wrestle professional Turkish man-people, and then they wrestle each other for some alone time with Ali. It was certifiably weird. Craig beats Chris, Roberto beats Kirk, and in the finale, Craig beats Roberto! It was a total surprise. So Craig wins the one-on-one time with Ali and he effs it up by saying all the right things and cuddling with her even though they don't know each other. Another great example of Ali blatantly not being in to him and giving it all away to the viewers through her facial expressions and actions. Awesome.

The last date is a one-on-one with crazy Frank. This time it's literally bazaar...like at the Spice Bazaar. The lovebirds shop, have dinner in a sistern, and talk about their relationship. I find this whole relationship weird. Frank is just a little too ahead of himself. He's in love with the idea of Ali, but does he even know her? And why is Ali so in to him? Granted, she says that a "relationship with (him) scares me" to his face, but still. He gets a rose.

Back at the rose ceremony, Ali has already made up her mind before cocktails. She tells Chris Harrison that she has a connection with all the guys except one, and she's ready to hand out roses.

So, roses go to:

1) Ty

2) Frank

3) Roberto

4) Chris L.

5) Kirk

This means byeeeeeee to: Justin and Craig.

No surprises tonight!

Awards:

1) D-Bag: Justin

2) Potential Crazypants: Frank

3) Best/Worst Fake Tears: Jessica, the girlfriend in Canada

4) Biggest Upcoming Sneak Peak EVER: ABC fully shows us that Frank, Ty and Roberto make it to Tahiti, which is after the next stop: Portugal. Does this mean that Chris and Kirk get dropped? AND Frank ruins her life in Tahiti. What's going on? Is Frank too scared because he realizes he doesn't know Ali? Is he gay? Why isn't Chris in Tahiti? and Kirk?!? I'm dying.

Until next week,

Mike

Justin = This season's D-bag

In case you needed a reminder. Dude's faking us out with his foot...unless it's a camera trick.

Bachelor Update: Jake and Vienna Split!

As if we thought this wasn't coming.

Snowsuits, crazies and horsies

Off to Iceland we go for a week of chilly fun. The boys land in Reykavik--thankfully ahead of the volcanic eruption that ruined air travel for a month, but just on the cusp of the eruption of horror that is this show.

Before the dates are determined, the boys have to write a poem to Ali to win this week's one-on-one date. There's a lot of bad, and one really good: Kirk. He was sweet, natural and corn-fed Midwestern cute. He brings it home and clearly gets the date.

Kirk and Ali share a fun date on the town. Sweater shops, coffee shops and lobster houses. It's cute, it's adorable, and so are their matching sweaters (notsomuch). On this date we learn that Kirk has never had a relationship over a year, he got super sick in college from toxins in his house, he was a really good runner, and he's just plain honest, natural and adorable. They make a cute couple and dude is inching in to frontrunner status. Ali is starting to heart him and gives him a rose.

The second date is the group mess. Ali and the boys meet in the frigid cold for a freezing horse ride in snowsuits. Let's be honest, the dudes look like Icelandic astronauts. If the country wasn't bankrupt and was able to fund a space program, the analogy would be believable...but whatever. It's kind of hilarious. Ty helps everyone out with the horses because he's country like that. Next they all rappel down into a cave. And next they share an evening at the Blue Lagoon, Iceland's lake with healing powers. Ali strips out of her astronaut suit and is magically wearing a bikini. Dudes pretty much strip down on the spot to join her in the water because of her healing powers. Guys get there one-on-one time during which Ali tells Frank to step it up because he's sitting in the back too much on group dates. After all is said and done, Ty swims away with the rose on this date.

The last date is the dreaded two-on-one date, or as I like to refer to it: Crazy, Crazier and Ali. Crazy (Justin) joins Crazier (Kasey freakshow tattoo loony bin) and Ali on a--you guessed it--helicopter date. This is the 82nd helicopter ride this season and we're like 4 episodes in. ABC, get a grip. Can't we fly a private jet or something? Or some Icelandic mountain roving vehicle? Or a whaling boat? I don't know...something unique. Anyway, the two frenemies accompany Ali on a volcano-watching adventure. Okay, we all know Justin has nothing to offer and he's completely working on his wrastler acting skills, so there's not much to report there. Except for the fact that Kasey is batsh*t crazy, and after Ali confesses that "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal" (which is the best quote EVER), Kasey shows her his special tat. And scene. Justin gets the rose and Kasey is left waving to the helicopter in a space suit. Awesome.

Meanwhile, back at the manse pre-rose ceremony, Craig shows Ali his fake tattoo and gets a good laugh, Chris bores Ali with his non-personality (I mean, we knew he was going home because child hasn't been on camera since episode #1, but good lord, give us SOMETHING!!), and Frank and Ali have a moment. Is Frank back? Not sure.

Then Chris Harrison gets all Dr. Love on our asses and tells Ali he thinks she's afraid of falling in love. Ali agrees that she's terrified of not being loved back. Touching and deep, people. Thank goodness ABC brings us back to reality every now and then.

So here's some reality for you. Roses went to...

1) Kirk

2) Ty

3) Justin

4) Frank

5) Chris L.

6) Roberto

7) Craig

Byeeeeee: Kasey and Chris N.

Awards:

1) Most yawn-inducing bore-fest: Chris N. Good lord, someone get me a Red Bull.

2) Best quote: "The only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal." - Ali. Um...not a chance.

3) Frontrunner: Kirk

4) Predicted top three: Kirk, Roberto, Chris L.

Until next week's drama that we all know involves Justin and a girlfriend,

Mike

Crazy is back and his name is Tattoo McGee

So we're traveling around the world to find love tonight. First stop: New York. Ali and the boys pack up and head east in search of romance, colder weather, and culture. I mean, duh, they're coming to my city. Full of culture, fashion and fame. Sure, it's also full of trash on the streets and a massive rat infestation, but let's pretend that doesn't exist. Just for two long hours.

The first date is a one-on-one between Ali and Kasey. What I really want to know during this date is why he talks from the back of his throat like he done swallowed a frog. But ABC is very coy with what's going on there...so I settle for THE MOST AWKWARD MOMENTS IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY! Literally...well...at least Top 5 Most Awkward moments. Things start off typical (helicopter) and end messy. On the lawn outside Ellis Island, after their 'copter ride, Kasey sings Ali an impromptu and fully improvised song about their date and how he wants a rose. I mean, it's like back to preschool where kids just sing their thoughts...to no tune...just to hear their voice. I literally sweat through my shirt. But then the date gets worse. They go to the Museum of Natural History and spend the night in the near dark running around. And don't worry, Kasey makes up another song while Ali literally chokes back laughter. It's nightmare status, people. Before Ali doesn't give him a rose, he drops this bomb: "Ali, I choose you." Um...she didn't ask you. So, you suck. And you don't get a rose. What I really worry about, though, is that Ali tells him she doesn't want him to leave. I die.

Date two is the big gay happy sing-songy group date. Roberto, Jesse, Craig, Kirk, Jonathan, Frank and Ty join Ali ON A BROADWAY STAGE. Are you dying? I mean last night, the Tony Awards, tonight The Lion King on The Bachelorette?!? My inner theatre queen is out to play, and here we go. The boys "audition" for a role, and, well, as always, the best looking guy wins. Roberto. They sang, they danced, they wore dance belts...and after all of the embarrassment, Roberto wins. And then he and Ali strip down (he to a loin cloth) and they soar through the air on stage. Literally.

Soon after, the show starts. I mean, I'm dying inside. They are Broadway stars for a night and the entire disenchanted underworked theatre community collectively cries inside. If all it took was a rose on the line, I would have won twelve Tonys by now. Just sayin'. But back to the show that Roberto and Ali are STARRING in as they air dance in front of 1600 people. As their scene ends, Ali plants a big kiss on Roberto's lips and I'm fully jealous.

After the show, they all reunite for drinks. Ali isn't feeling well, but the guys are putting on the full court press. Franks gets his time with Ali, Jonathan gets blown off, it's awesome. Kirk takes her away and tells her to take the night off because she's feeling so rough, and she decides to head home early without giving out a rose...but not before Kirk escorts her home and snuggles with her and gets a kiss in bed. She loves it, the other guys do NOT. I'm just concerned they're spreading diseases. Let's be honest. There are viruses involved now, people...you can't just go around kissing every open mouth in town.

The next one-on-one is between Chris L. (birthday boy) and Ali. He could have chosen a cuter outfit, let's be honest. Ali could have chosen better health, but she's selfish like that. Regardless, Ali and Chris spend the day together...just in her hotel suite instead of in the city. He opens up about his family with her, and it's cute. He's very cute, in fact. Is dude moving up in the rankings. Me thinks yes.

Meanwhile, Kasey is not at the hotel. Where could he possibly be? He's taken a one-way trip to Crazytown. Freakshow goes out to Queens to check out the local tattoo parlor. Nothing like branding yourself after one date. ONE. DATE. Um...for once the previews may not have lied. Kasey may be a legitimate freakshow.

Back on the date, Ali is feeling better and they head out on the town. They head to 230 Fifth for some great views, food, and drinks. We'll pretend for a hot minute that it isn't the epicenter of all things B & T, and we let them get to know each other. Chris opens up more about his mom and I tear up when he mentions rainbows. Then Ali and Chris call his dad together on his birthday, which is oddly touching. I've decided they're a cute couple. Ali decides the same, and gives him a birthday rose. They celebrate on the roof with Joshua Radin and a gospel choir serenading them! A fricking gospel choir!!! I mean...let's just say there are now three frontrunners.

Back at the hotel, Kasey returns from getting branded and pretends like he got a third-degree burn and he's back from the hospital. Um...dude is crazy. Carnie crazy freak status. Meanwhile, we know he has a shielded heart tattoo on his wrist and, in his private words, he's "literally wearing his heart on his sleeve." Dudes aren't impressed.

At the rose ceremony, the boys reunite. Jonathan whips out his guitar and sings awfully for Ali. Okay, let me please tell all future contestants: when you have no talent, please don't share the talent you don't have with your date. It's messy and embarrassing for us all. Thanks for your attention to this matter.

Justin, the wrastler, plots his revenge against Kasey by planning to out his "I'm burned" lie. Let's be honest, we're excited. Justin calls him out and asks Kasey to show him the burn. He "questions his integrity" and the tension builds. It's pretty awesome, because Kasey knows Justin knows the truth. Kasey then shows his branded wrist to the dudes, knowing he's been caught. He wants to "guard and protect her heart"...and he's crazy. I mean, is this guy kidding?!? Is he batsh*t loony? The dudes conceal their horror quite well, though.

Don't worry, because then Kasey has some time with Ali. Before he even talks, we know she's ready to dump him. She was just too weak to do it on their date. And then he shows her the tat...just kidding! Frank interrupts them and takes her away. It's AWESOME. And then Ali is summoned away before the moment to deliberate.

Roses go to:

1) Chris L.

2) Kirk

3) Frank

4) Craig

5) Chris N.

6) Roberto

7) Justin

8) Ty

9) Kasey. WHAT?!?

Byeeee: Jonathan and Jesse.

1) Biggest Freakshow Crazytown Idiot Fool: Kasey

2) Frontrunners: Roberto and Chris L. with Kirk just nudged out of the top three

3) Most Painful Mistake: Kasey's tattoo

4) Surprise: Jesse going home. Kinda shocked, even though he wouldn't have lasted. This should teach him to wear a tie next time. But at least he's back to his dogs.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. shout out to my lovebug.

Bare Naked Embarrassment

Episode three. According to Bachelorology, this means that things get "real" this episode. Jealously starts brewing, feelings get hurt, and things heat up. So with that, we have three dates tonight.

Date one is with Ali's favorite: Roberto the southern Latino. That hair, that skin, those dimples, that cleft in his chin...what's not to love. Cue the helicopter that flits them away to downtown LA where the lovebirds have to tightrope walk between two buildings so they can have dinner together. Let's be honest, the date is a smashing success. They share their first kiss 82 stories above downtown LA, and they share a great dinner and cuddle session together. Roberto clearly gets a rose.

The next date is the nine-on-one clustermess that we know will deliver some drama. Setting: dumpy LA-"river"-adjacent highway lot. You know, the kind of place that just screams romance. Well...just wait. The Bare Naked Ladies are there, and they're going to film a music video!! Even more romantic? A bunch of washed up, middle aged former rockers! Woohoo!! But at least the drama starts. Each guy gets to film a scene with Ali, and many scenes involve kisses. Highlights: Jonathan cries (apparently he was nervous, even though he spends his life on camera as a weatherman); Kirk and Ali have a full on real make out session; all the boys get jealous. Later, they all share Coors Lights on a rooftop somewhere. More awkwardness ensues between Ali and Jonathan, Chris L. tells Ali about his mom passing away, and Kirk gets the rose.

The next day, wrastler Justin walks on his crutches for like 8 miles to see Ali at her house because that's what professional wrastlers who are on crutches do. So there you have it. He's "real" and he likes her. Too bad no one believes it. D-bag.

The last one-on-one date is between Ali and Hunter. Hunter, unfortunately seems incredibly nervous. Let's just say it doesn't go well. Nothing bad...just nothing good. Poor Hunter. Time to hunt elsewhere. It was the perfect setting for a romantic date. Her house, homecooked meal, pools, hot tubs, s'mores...you name it. Better luck next time, Hunt. And stop calling her "Darlin'" after half a date. Justin is dick-ish about it and gloats when Hunter doesn't return home. We hate him.

On to the rose ceremony...

Chris L. and Ali snuggle up and get closer. Steve brings her out for a private champagne date in the front of the house (cute, even though he couldn't open the bottle).

The truth comes out about Justin's secretive one-on-one time with Ali when Roberto and Ali sit down to fall more in love. Roberto tells his bros, the boys get their panties in a wad and start talking about him behind his back. And then they confront him in front of everyone else. Justin is totally shocked and wonders how they found out, but he admits it. We love it.

Roses go to:

1) Roberto

2) Kirk

3) Chris L.

4) Jesse (wearing a denim workshirt and jeans...um...)

5) Chris N.

6) Ty

7) Kasey

8) Craig

9) Frank

10) Jonathan

11) Justin (as if she wouldn't have picked him...it's about ratings, people)

Byeeeeeee: Hunter, Steve, John

1) Villain/D-bag: Justin

2) Potential to become a Jealous Freakshow: Frank

3) Cutest: TBD

4) Front-runner: Roberto, with Kirk putting on the full court press.

This Mess Keeps Chugging Along

This show is a trainwreck, and she just keeps chugging. Clearly, I have an all-you-can-ride pass, so I'm back and your lives just got better. That said, I'm busy and important, so I just can't get too in to this tonight as I just wrapped a photo shoot and I'm simply beat.

But let's just say, I love Ali, and she's famous. And nervous!

Our cast of characters:

Chris, Vancouver, Canada?

Jesse, Peculiar, MO

Chris L., Cape Cod

Ty, Nashville

Frank, Chicago - the hambone who jumped out of the sunroof

Justin, Toronto, Canada? Entertainment Wrestler? Two wrongs don't make a right.

Jay, Barrington, RI. Personal injury lawyer. Yikes.

Chris, Florida

Kasey, Cali - Not sure where his voice is coming from.

Kyle, Colorado - Outdoorsman.

Roberto, Charleston, SC

Craig, Toronto, Canada? Douchey McGee. Hair alert.

John, Wichita, KS

Tyler, VT

John, Issaquah, WA - Proposed with fake diamond and the flaming House Gay

Jonathan, Houston, TX - Weatherman

Craig R., Philly, PA

Steve, Cleveland, OH

Kirk, Green Bay, WI

Tyler, Austin, TX - Catering Manager who mistook Ali for wearing cowboy boots with Jake

Hunter, San Antonio, TX

Derek, Warren, MI - Worst suit of the night

Phil, Chicago, IL

Derrick, San Diego, CA - "Shooter"

Jason, Denver, CO - Back flip off the limo. Makes me nervous.

Some comments:

Kirk made a scrapbook.

Kevin is overzealous.

Kasey has an interesting voice.

Hunter plays the ukulele.

Derrick prematurely ejaculates and tells Ali. WHAT? I can't.

Chris L. says his parents are still together even though his mom passed away.

There are no black guys.

There are no Asian guys.

First Impression Rose goes to: Roberto. Least surprising moment of the night.

Big Twist Alert. Chris Harrison asks the guys to submit the name of the dude(s) who isn't there for the right reason. Awesome. Nothing like starting the drama early! Once the guy's name is revealed, Ali can choose whether or not to keep him around. And the dude everyone voted off is...dun dun dun...Justin, the professional wrestler dude with a busted foot. Ali decides to keep him. Blah.

At the rose ceremony, Ali chooses:

1) Roberto (First Impression)

2) Justin (saved for "not being there for the right reasons")

3) Jesse

4) Ty

5) Craig R.

6) Tyler B.

7) Frank

8) Steve

9) Chris L.

10) Kirk

11) John C.

12) Chris N.

13) Chris H.

14) Hunter

15) Craig M. Because every season needs a villain.

16) Jonathan

17) Kasey with a K

Awards:

1) Cutest - Chris H.

2) Frontrunner - Roberto and Hunter. It's a tie.

3) Gayest - John from Washington

4) Love At First Sight - Roberto

5) Most Canadian - Unfortunately it's an 82-way tie with Chris, Justin and Craig

6) D-bag Alert - Craig M.

Until next week (before which I will be on the West coast for some PR appearances, wine tastings, etc.),

Mike

Battle of the Already-Marrieds...and Another Bache-saster

Lovers, we've seen it before. And guess what: we're seeing it again. The nicest bachelor in history is doomed to repeat history for the 82nd time; and I'm just not surprised anymore.

Let's get started because I'm over it. Just over it. Before the girls arrive, Jake preps them. Tenley is perfect and Vienna is the "girl nobody liked." Oops. The family is already swayed.

First off is Tenley. She arrives and meets Jake's cute and weepy family (mostly weepy dad). Both Tenley and Jake are wearing pink, and it's quite fitting because Tenley is all pink and perfect. As predicted, she says all the right things, Jakes family falls in love with her, and they all jump in the pool? What? Yes, you read that correctly. They all jump in the pool. It's awkward, but it happened. What else is there to say? Tenley wins the family over and they love her.

Next, Trailer Trash arrives looking like just that. His family has their collective guard up, and starts off with their fists clenched. Tough questions about why she sucks so much come left and right, and she fails at answering them miserably. Her grammar is predictably poor, and it's perfect. But literally, it's great. One of the sisters-in-law (not "sister-in-laws" thankyouverymuch) says, "So won't you be shocked when he doesn't choose you in the end," when she confronts Vienna's confrontational nature. Um...we love Laura, the sassy sister-in-law. Meanwhile, Mom flat out tells Jake that Vienna sucks and she hates her. Well, not really...but they don't like her as a family unit. But then, like the total joke that is Vienna's run on this show, everyone is magically won over by her stupidity. I mean, what else could it be? This girl is a joke. He can't really like her...

Next are the final dates between Jake and the two women. This time, Vienna is first. They have a romantic day in the sulphur springs...which is basically a day in a poo-smelling nature preserve. They play in the springs and cover their bodies in mud. It's gross. Especially when she writes "I love you" on his chest in mud. Barf. Later in the evening, the washed off lovebugs reunite at Vienna's suite. They chat, they reminisce on their pointless and sex-filled relationship, and Jake throws out the quote of the year: "What was it like being married for three weeks?" Awesome. Enough said.

Tenley and Jake's final date is on a yacht. It sucks. Jake fully confesses that while their emotional chemistry is there, the physcial chemistry just isn't. He should have just been honest and said, "I am boning the sh*t out of Vienna, why isn't it the same with you?" Tenley is totally hurt, and it's awkward. Later, Jake apologizes and pretends he really likes her. Sadly, Tenley is bummed about the whole affair, but she should have thought twice about wearing the fake nails she sported on their last date which clearly played a role in this mess. (Gracias, couchmate, for that one.)

At this point in the night, it's clear. Ali is Jake's one and only, and she's the only one for him. She has it all. Physical love, emotional love, and just all-around perfection. Oh wait...

But then...dun dun dun...

All three wake up on the day of the proposal. Cut to the staged and inevitable pensive morning balcony moments. And...scene.

Next, Tenley is first to arrive in her helicopter at the proposal. She. Looks. STUNNING. She is a literal Oscar in her gold dress. Unfortunately, the lighting and sun during the time in which HE DUMPS HER makes Tenley look like a hot, sweaty mess. Literally, she's never looked worse. And it's heartbreaking because Jake cries as he dumps her, and she is crushed. He's an idiot, but I predicted this weeks ago. Worst line (from Tenley), "Thank you for showing me what I could have." Nightmare.

And then, Messy McBottom shows up in her fugly teal dress. Sadly, the lighting has bettered since the break-up with Tenley, and she looks better during the proposal than Tenley did. Boo. Jake proposes, a collective, "Ewwww" rises up from America, and we wish them luck in their break-up to come. I wish I could have watched this with Ali, who you know cheered in realizing that all her heartbreak was for naught. How could she ever fall for this mess who just proposed to a teenage bride?

Don't worry, though. To rub it in, ABC goes to montage mode as they replay the love of Jake and Vienna, underscored by the easy jazz stylings of "On The Wings of Love." B.A.R.F.

And I'm done.

----

But wait...some notes and quotes from "After the Final Rose."

-"I've never had this much heat in a relationship." Jake, talking about Vienna. Um, Jake? It's called a burning sensation from the STDs Vienna has gifted you.

-"Vienna is my baby." Jake, talking about Vienna. Exactly, Jake. She's young, stupid and dumb.

-"We'll move towards a marriage." Let me de-code this: our engagement will last until we break up.

-OMG Vienna's roots are FINALLY dyed!!!! How hard could that have been? What took so long??

-Who thinks that the following is happening?

---Jake: "Am I really marrying this mess?"

---Vienna: "Am I really marrying this goob?"

-Can you imagine Jake's family meeting Vienna's family? YIKES!

-And then...the ultimate mutable moment in Bachelor history...a live performance of "On the Wings of Love" performed by the original artist who I can't remember to which the lovers dance. I literally started sweating. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.

-One last thought: this has got to be a joke.

-The next Bachelorette: Ali. Least surprising moment in history. Girlfriend has never felt so validated. Bring on the boys!

And now I'm done.

Until never,

Mike

B*tches Tell All

So I flew back from Barcelona (that's "Barthelona" to you) this afternoon after being upgraded by the boys at the American Airlines counter, and although "I don't blog the B*tches Tell All" episode, I have a few choice thoughts for you as I begin to figure out how I'll be attacking my newly-gained tapas weight at the gym this week. Ahhh, the jet-setting life I live. LA and Barcelona this past week, South Bend, Indiana in two weeks. My life is pure glamour. Almost too glamorous to take a week off from the blog. But you knew I'd do this (both blog and freak out over too many tapas, duh). I have the energy and heart for it. After all, I was able to nap in my fully-flat business class seat, as opposed to what could have happened with the plebes in coach. Can you imagine taking off without having champagne first? It's too much to fathom right now, so on to the episode.

1) There were two dudes in the audience. But only one at a time. Any one else notice that halfway through the episode, the dark-haired guy wearing a purple shirt on the left-most seat of the front row turned in to a light-haired guy wearing a tan blazer? What did they pay the lone straight dudes to show up at the girliest event of the year? And where were the gays?

2) Did Chris have a little spruce-up job? He looked very "refreshed" tonight. Maybe it's the jet lag, but Chris was looking good. Nothing like a little botox to cured the mid-winter blues.

3) This Rozlyn mess is just that, a big mess. We all know she boned the help; why can't she fess up? And how awkward was it when she accused Chris of hitting on the fired producer's wife in New Zealand? That was low. And awkward for Chris!

4) What is with Jake's bad outfits? Why the crewneck sweater under the suit tonight? And what about the tie to come in the finale?!?

5) You could totally hear the ball in Jake's throat as he addressed Ali breaking his heart (after seeing her for the first time since she left). Amazing.

6) I have the tiniest of suspicions that Jake is not happy with what happens. He looked tired, bloated and far too un-tan to be happy. Boy needs a business class trip to Barcelona.

6) The next Bachelorette is totally Ali. If it's not, I quit.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. How about Molly and Jason's upcoming wedding? I have some Grand Rapids hometown heroes who are attending the secretive ceremony and have signed their lives away to ABC so even my mom and her tennis/golf gabbing friends haven't leaked the deets. But the wedding's this weekend!

To Bone or Not To Bone

Kids...I'm blogging from my couch in New York and I woke up in sunny LA. What does that mean? It means I'm famous and I had to do some LA appearances over the long weekend. Bel Air, WeHo, Malibu, Santa Barbara, the Hills...you name it, I was there and so was the paparazzi. I stood by for an earlier flight in order to blog this mess, so stand by for some drama. And let me say, it's such a relief to be back in reality where I'm no longer followed by helicopter-razzi dying for my picture. Let me also say: why do I live in a place where it isn't 75 and sunny in mid-February? Stupid New York.

It's To Bone or Not To Bone night, and we're eagerly awaiting the boning we have all come to expect. Also, our setting this evening is lovely St. Lucia. Thank God that the recession is over (ha) and we're back in the islands.

First up is Gia. The lovers take a boat to the market and hang with the locals. Jake buys Gia a heinous necklace that Gia promises to wear (on her wrist!) for the rest of her life. We'll see if she stays true to that promise. After a wonderful day in paradise (if paradise is hanging with the locals who play dirty plastic canisters as drums), Gia and Jake reunite for a dinner on the beach in Smuggler's Cove. Gia accepts the Fantasy Date proposal and they take a hot bath in more ways than one. And then ABC cuts to commercial. Did they bone? I vote no. She didn't say she loved him and our Jake is a traditional boy.

Next comes Tenley. She wears the cutest dress of the evening as they take a helicopter tour of St. Lucia. Afterwards, they picnic in the rainforest. Is the couple natural enough yet? Does Tenley seem comfortable with Jake, or is she still hung up on her ex? Speaking of the ex, I wish I would have invented the TEDG (Tenley's Ex Drinking Game) earlier. Every time Tenley mentions her ex, viewers must take a shot. I would have taken four this evening...and I would have been sloshed writing this. Instead, I ate the treats Grandma sent in the mail last week. Healthy choices for healthy living. At dinner, Tenley tells Jake that she's falling in love with him, and Jake is touched. After pretending that the Fantasy Date Suite is a big deal earlier in the date, Tenley quickly accepts the proposal. Jake is totally falling for her, and by this point in the date, I'm convinced that she really does like Jake. And Jake LOVES her values and moral compass. Do they bone? I bet not. But I'm guessing we had some third base action going on.

Last up is the last place mess (in my mind), Vienna. They spend the day on a pirate ship because Vienna is 12. The make out session on the bow is underscored by a symphony playing "On the Wings of Love," and I vomit up the treats I referenced earlier. The lovers frolic on the beach and roll around in the sand in a very PG-13 sort of way. We'll pretend like Jake doesn have backne during this date, and we'll move on. At dinner, Vienna (surprise!) tells Jake she's falling in love with him, amidst numerous idiotic comments. Jake is totally in to Vienna, and we're still stumped. Does he really see spending his life with her?!? I mean, sure, she's good for a bone on the beach, but do you want that mess sharing a bed with you for life? At least he admits before dinner that he needs to find the "substance to her heart." Um...you and the rest of America. Bad dresses, horrific bikinis, and hip tattoos can only get a girl so far in life. We need some substance, people. But as Jake digs for her substance at dinner, he also asks her what kind of engagement ring she would like. Jigga WHAT?!?!?! She says something about bling and we all barf. Later, she accepts the Fantasy Date proposal, changes in to lingerie for him, and they totally bone.

Next comes the least surprising part of the episode: Ali calls Jake to say she's made a mistake. DUH. No one is surprised. She wants to come back and apologizes profusely and Jake is a confused mess. He totally wants her back, but he let's his head make the decision and tells Ali that he is further along with the other girls and doesn't think it's a good idea for her to return. Ali is crushed, and her employer (Facebook) wins. Sad. But guess who the next Bachelorette will be? Total foregone conclusion. Bye Ali...we love you...and we'll see you this summer back on ABC!

Next, Jake watches the always-uncomfortable video messages from the three girls, and we're at the rose ceremony.

1) Tenley
2) Vienna

Bye: Gia. Let's be honest...we're not surprised. But let me say this: Gia's goodbye to Jake was perhaps the most graceful and well-delivered goodbye in history. I now respect her and her Staten Island roots more than I ever have, and I honestly feel badly for her. Who knew swimsuit models had feelings? I also feel bad that she was sweating like a whore in church while saying her goodbye, and the fools on set who didn't offer up a hanky for that mess should be punished.

Meanwhile, can we address the fact that Vienna is in the top two? I mean, we're not surprised, and rumors in the blogosphere are as good as truth; but she is a mess and I can't handle it. And who wears a pooch-accentuating-floorlength-diamond-bedazzled dress in St Lucia's tropical climate? What is Jake thinking?

Another note: how much would I pay to know what was going through Tenley's head as she stood there with Jake and Vienna at the end? I'm thinking it's something in the realm of, "OMG I am so much better than this tranny mess but I would never say that on camera in my baby voice because I'm not the b*tch this season...I'm the divorcee who has only boned her ex and I'm too sweet to really say that." Just sayin'...

Awards:
1) Worst editing: ABC. What happened to the days of audio from the Fantasy Suite after the doors are shut? I'm talking sex noises people...where are they? Oh, if we could only re-visit the Andrew Firestone days...
2) Surprise: Jake's "no" to Ali. :(
3) Worst dress: Vienna's rose ceremony dress. Surprise!
4) Sweatiest: Gia. Do you think she sweats like that on a swimsuit shoot? Eeek.

Until the Finale (I don't blog the "B*tches Tell All" episode...duh),

Mike

Bache-saster

Ladies and gentleladies, we may have just witnessed The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever. I hate to say it, but ABC may have actually told the truth for once. It's too soon to determine if it was actually TMDRCE, but I gotta feelin'...

It's hometown date night, and our first stop is the Jersey Shore!! Oh wait...it's actually New York, but it felt like next season's spin off of the Jersey Shore. It will hereby be titled The Staten Island Shore: Landfill of Love. But back to the action, Jake meets Gia and they tour the city via boat. Later, the lovers meet her family at a tragic restaurant on 85th and 2nd. The cast of The Staten Island Shore: Landfill of Love includes Gia, her mom Donna, the step dad, the stepbrother (hereafter known as "The Occasion"), and some dumb little brother figure who didn't get a hot second of air time. In short, the mom is a hot mess who requires subtitles and also drinks white wine on ice, The Occasion is a vision of Staten Island glory with Versace shades and enough hair gel to ignite a city block, and the other two are forgettable. The family questions Jake as to whether or not he'd "have her back" in light of trouble, as though they were entering into the West Side Story redux or something. It was brilliant. It was totally Landfill of Love. Quote of the night, courtesy of The Occasion: "If I have to hunt you down and break a few legs, I will." Aww, touching.

Date two takes us to idyllic Williamstown, MA. Nothing like the Berkshires to instill a little love. Here, Jake and Ali reunite and we realize all over again why they're the best couple on the show. She is too cute for words, and the whole day is a success. From visiting dead Grandma's house, to a nice night with the family (mom, sis and bro), it just feels right. Granted, the dinner looked gross, but overall, it was great. The mom envisions them getting married. Ali agrees, when she says, "If you asked me today I would say yes." Yay! We love Ali and Jake. It's a marriage in the making!

Next, we travel to Newburg, Oregon to meet Tenley and her cute family. At first it feels a little forced and fake, but then that goes out the window when Tenley performs a choreographed dance to Pachelbel's "Canon in D," (better known as every woman's wedding march). It was awkward, I wanted to mute the TV, but Tenley has killer calves and nice moves. Heinous yet touching. Next, we head to her house where we meet her cute family. Mom, Dad and Sister eagerly await the couple's arrival, and they all cry when they arrive. The tears continue through the steak dinner, during the one-on-one time with the two parents and Jake, and again at the end. But overall, the family is very cute, the date was touching, and their house was quaint and cute. They all give Jake their blessing. Mom admits that Tenley will have "emotional spillovers" for some time about her ex-husband (who was mentioned far too much throughout the day), but if anyone is prepared to love again, it is Tenley. Jake's fears about her ex-husband are allayed. So yay for Tenley and her cute family. She finally seemed to relax by the end of the date, and she didn't seem as uncomfortable. Is there a true romance brewing?

Last, it's the hometown date we've all been waiting for. We travel south to the gator-infested waters of Florida, where we meet the hair-dye-infested Vienna and her tragic, most likely incestuous family. After a sassy little pontoon boat ride, we get right down to business. We meet the family: Mom, Dad, Sister and Chihuahua in pink. Upon seeing his daughter, Dad begins to cry. The Vienna cries, and the weirdness begins. Is there something going on with Dad and V? Am I reading too much in to what seems to be an awkward relationship? Dad quickly whisks Jake away to his toolshed where he puts this little treasure out there for all of us to enjoy (re-worded because I couldn't actually listen when he delivered it): "I treat my daughter like a princess, and I'd expect the same out of you. If you treat her like a princess, you'll come home and the house will be cleaned, the kids will be raised..." Wow, nothing like a father who has only the highest hopes and respect for his daughter. Quick question: any one else think Dad looks like a mix between a cross-eyed gator hunter and Saddam Hussein? Yeah...thought so. Back at dinner, the family enjoys some tasty hot dogs and beans (we're in the middle of Florida near a river, what do you expect?), and the family isn't surprised that everyone is jealous (or hates) of their little Vienna. Question number two: would anyone be surprised if no one in Vienna's family knew that Vienna was actually a beautiful city in Austria? Yeah...didn't think so. After dinner, the lovebugs go make out in Vienna's bedroom next to the picture of Vienna kissing her father. I won't comment. What I will comment on is when Dad walks in on them making out. I secretly think he wanted to join. The date soon ends, and we all take a break to shower off the nasty from witnessing this special dad/daughter relationship. Shout out to my couchmate and lovebug for the shower comment.

Back at the Beverly Wilshire, we're all set to get dressed to ditch a girl at the next rose ceremony when the drama really heats up. Ali drops the bomb on Jake, letting him know that it's either him or her job...as in she'll be fired if she stays on the show any longer. Okay, let me begin. 1) This happened last season with Ed and I'm over it. 2) Don't contestants have to have this cleared with their employers BEFORE they come on the show? 3) How douchey does Ali's boss feel for making her choose between work and love? As Ali breaks down, Jake gives unfailingly good advice, but stops short of really asking her to stay. It's a mess, and I predicted this last week (with the help of some key Bachelorites).

Later that evening, Ali arrives in a cute dress looking, unfortunately, a bit dissheveled. Poor thing. The girls line up one by one, and Ali soon asks for some time with Jake, where we anticipate her decision. Will she stay or will she go? Ali is a mess, Jake is emotional, and he finally lays it on her: "I don't want you to go." He also says he's falling in love and he'd be devastated if you left. FINALLY! Thank goodness he put it out there. He even said, "You weren't on the line tonight." Gotta love Jake's honesty. After Ali says, "I love you" (yep, she went there), we're left with more tears, sobs, and eventually she delivers it: "I have to go." Trainwreck. I'm seriously pissed, but I'll sleep at night knowing she'll totally reappear. She just has to. The couple says goodbye with a hot and emotional kiss, and she drives away into the night. Jake is totally a mess, and he admits that he's heartbroken once again. But he pulls it together for the non-rose ceremony to come. Sidenote: how fun would it be to have listened to the conversation of the girls in waiting as Ali and Jake said their goodbyes?

Jake reappears to the remaining girls (two messy, one normal) with a gloriously fake smile and news that there will be no rose ceremony.
1) Tenley
2) Gia
3) Vienna

Awards:
1) Cutest family: Tenley's
2) Creepiest dad: Vienna's
3) Biggest mistake: Jake not telling Ali he loved her.
4) Worst employer: Ali's
5) Worst watch: Chris's blingy mess at the rose ceremony. Who cares if it's Cartier if it's that loud?
6) Comeback kid award: Ali. She'll be back.

Until next week,
Mike

Because Spreading Rumors is Fun

Rumors I've heard (and decided to spread) this week. Stay tuned for verification.

1) Ali leaves voluntarily during the next episode.
2) Vienna wins.
3) Tenley is pregnant. Not sure about this one.

Discuss.

You're Just a Virgin Who Can't Drive

We've driven up the coast a bit further for a little San Francisco treat. Out of the RVs and into the Intercontinental we go. Our setting for this episode is the Mark Hopkins Hotel, on the "crest" of lovely Nob Hill. Talk about an upgrade. One night you're in an RV, the next you're in a palace. So there are five girls left, and next week is Jake-meets-the-parents week. Who's getting the boot? Will he keep the one and only brunette (Gia) and ditch one of the four blondes?

The first one-on-one date goes to Tenley. It's a chill date strolling around Chinatown (barf) followed by a nice dinner. We all agree that Tenley is cute, but she's not that comfortable around him. It felt very "first date-y," and I don't think she's doing herself any favors. Later, Jake wears a turtleneck at dinner, and brings us all down with his poor style choice. Overall, it's blah.

Meanwhile, the tension is building at the hotel. Will the two-on-one date be between mortal enemies Ali and Vienna (gasp)? Corrie gets the date card and reads out the names. Ali and Vienna!!!! Ha! She lets the drama sink in for a hot minute until she cuts the tension with a knife and says the date will be with Gia and Vienna. Ali about died and we loved it.

So the two-on-one is Gia and Vienna at a castle-like vineyard in Napa. "Jake" sends the girls a trunk of clothes for the date (I love how the girls think that Jake is actually packing trunks of clothing as if he'd know what they'd want to wear). But then again...who is packing these trunks filled with sequins and utterly un-cute loud prints and slutty tops? We've got a job opening in the wardrobe department, people! Gia chooses a lovely teal turtleneck lace top and a metallic bra (yes, you read that correctly), Vienna predictably chooses a pink sequin tank top, and off they go to the castle. The date is inevitably uncomfortable as awkward Vienna makes it all about herself, and Gia is the third wheel. It's tacky, just like her skin, hair, and make up. Until, Jake and Gia go make out in some grotto within the castle. Then...duh...Vienna interrupts them because she needs more me time. At the end of the date, it seems as though Gia is the big winner. He's comfortable with her, and he's distant with Vienna. They all spend the night at the castle, Vienna sneaks in to Jake's room (surprise!). Overall, it's fine. Vienna is dumb. Gia wins.

The next date is between Corrie and Jake. Key take-away from this one: Corrie is a virgin. She wants to wait until marriage, and she doesn't want to live with her husband until they're hitched. Jake played it coolly, but you know he was like "WHA?!?!?!" internally. Basically, she just screwed her chances in her virgin-like way.

The last date is what we've all been waiting for: Ali and Jake. Finally the San Franciscan gets to show Jake around her city and prove to him once again that she's the one for him. A very booby and cute Ali takes to the streets with Jake. We think they're matching in their blue outfits for a second until we realize Ali is wearing purple. Phew. The chemistry is obviously there between them as they wander the streets, buy flowers, mount each other in a park, and ruin their clothes while playing in the ocean. Was anyone else concerned about her knee-high boots in the waves? Hello? And was anyone else a little thrown off by Ali's public mounting of Jake's business in the park? It was a bit much and she could have easily mooned innocent passersby.

At the rose ceremony, there are no surprises. Jake tells the camera before the ceremony that he likes Vienna, so all guesses were out the window.

1) Tenley
2) Ali
3) Gia
4) Vienna (duh...it was so obvious)

Adios Corrie!

Awards.:
1) Quote: "Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my sensual side." - Corrie. Um...yes it does. That's exactly what it means. You're in "touch" with nothing.
2) Front runners: Ali, with Gia a close second.
3) Tampa Trash: Vienna

Drama we all expected

So Mr. Perfect proves to us tonight that he doesn't play by the rules. He follows his heart, he lets a tear or two shed, and he kicks b*tches off left and right! Yowza...let's get to it.

Tonight, the girls hop on RVs and take a California road trip up the coast. We're already doen with the mansion in LA! Three dates tonight: a one-on-one, a group date, and a two-on-one. After a drive up the PCH, the RVs pull off at a lovely vineyard where the plaid-shirt wearing Jake Bunyan greets them with a hug.

The one-on-one goes to Gia, who appropriately wears a kimono and stilettos on their rustic date on the vineyard. Her NY (or is it Jersey?) accent comes out on the date, which is slightly appalling, but all in all, Gia isn't too bad. They share stories of nerdy pasts, play a little spin the bottle, and share dogs and s'mores by the campfire later on. They snuggle up and get closer throughout the date, and Gia reveals herself to be more than a pretty (swimsuit model pretty) face. She's cute and little "off" and Jake likes her. She gets a rose.

The second date is up the coast a little further, at Pismo Beach. Jessie, Ashleigh, Tenley, Ali, Vienna, and Corrie get dirty on the beach with dune buggies, sand surfing and a picnic. First off, everyone hates Vienna. Second, so do I. Third, the date is cute and fun and Jake likes seeing the girls let loose. Later, they head to an inn so they can clean up and have a nice dinner in a really ugly and gaudy pink dining room. Jake has alone time with all the girls, but not before Vienna declares that she'd like the last one-on-one so she can be the last girl to kiss him. Vomit. She probably just wanted extra time to spruce her mall bangs and apply some extra orange self tanner. Vienna finally gets her time with Jake and he broaches the subject of her being a raging coot. Actually, he just raises some red flags with her in a nice Jake-ish way, and she pretty much ignores them and wants to focus on herself. Jessie, conveniently manages to NOT get any air time once again, thereby sealing her fate. Also during the date, Jake ensures that Tenley is indeed over her ex-husband, and at the end of the date, he gives her the rose.

The last date is the dreaded two-on-one, in lovely Big Sur. What a nightmare. Not Big Sur--that part is great--but who would ever want to go on a date with an objection of affection and another ho? Not me, for one. Someone is always the third wheel. Or are they? At the outset, it appears as though Kathryn will be playing the supporting role of "Third Wheel." For starters, Jake and Ella drink red, and Kat drinks white. Totaly outsider. Then, Jake pays most of his attention to Ella during dinner, and takes her outside afterwords to chat. Kathryn is left cold and alone with her wine (at which point, if I were her, I would have chugged and refilled 12 times). But wait! Jake then spends some time with Kathryn. She calls Jake out on not really getting to know her, and he pretends like it wasn't on purpose. Their time together is basically a job interview after which no one gets an offer. After his time with the girls, Jake asks to speak to Ella, where he tells her she's great and kicks her off. I couldn't have scripted it better. But then...just wait. He goes back in, Kathryn smiles and comforts him knowing she's won this round, and Jake responds by kicking her off TOO!! Do you die? I died. Our little Jake plays by the rules no more. To end it all, he dramatically tosses the rose in the fire pit, and we collectively giggle.

At the rose ceremony, the girls are gunning for Vienna. Jessie (yeah, she's still on the show even though we still don't know her name or who she is) tells Jake that she thinks Vienna sucks. Unfortunately, Jake was most likely too distracted by her heinous green eye makeup to hear what she said, but her efforts were to be lauded. Then Vienna grabs Jake for some alone time, during which Jake once again talks to Vienna about why everyone hates her. She changes the subject back to herself. Surprise! The other girls take their final attempts at wooing Jake, and then it's time for the hand-outs. But not before they all discuss how much they hate Vienna, and Ali (lovely in yellow, as always) threatens to tell Jake what she really thinks if he actually asks Vienna to stay.

1) Gia
2) Tenley
3) Ali
4) Corrie

-scene interrupted -

Jake, after tearing up (yes, I totally predicted the first tears would come in episode four!!), excuses himself and asks to talk to Chris. He then asks Chris's advice on what he would do if he were faced with a similar decision of having to ask two women to stay when he really only wanted one. Again...Jake bends the rules.

-back at the ceremony-

Chris tells the ladies that he'll be taking one of the two remaining roses away, and two women will be going home instead of one.

5) Vienna. GASP!!! Kidding. Of course she's staying...there would be no drama if she didn't. Wonder how much ABC paid Jake for that one...

Bye: Ella, Kathryn, Ashleigh and Jessie

Awards:
1) Come from behind award: Gia
2) Worst ties: Jake. Who is responsible for his rose ceremony ties?!?
3) Quote: "Are you f*cking kidding me?" - Ashleigh, reacting to going home before Vienna. Couldn't have put it better myself, my dear.

Until next week,

Mike

And then there were 9...poor Jake

Jesus take the wheel...it's a night of drama and I've had 9 glasses of wine. Please steer us in the right direction.

Tonight we have two one-on-one dates and one big happy (I mean raging disaster) group date.

The first one-on-one goes to the most hated woman in the house, Dye Job McGee, I mean Vienna. Why she should be named after a beautiful European city I do not know, but let's leave that be for now. It's the first heli-date of the season as Jake and Vienna flit away to a 300-foot drop. They fly to a crazy scary bungee jumping adventure, and Jake has a minor freak out prior to the plunge. I think he's officially the first bachelor to freak like this, but let's just move on and await his tears in the next couple episodes. They jump, they fall, they kiss, her dye job is still bad, yada yada. Afterwords, they drink wine out of awkwardly tall wine glasses, do the requisite hot tub scene, and she gets a rose. Vienna then goes home and gushes about her date and everyone hates her. The end.

Date #2 will hereafter be known as the "Worst Date Ever on The Bachelor." OMG I die I die I die. Jon Lovitz hosts the crew at his comedy club where the girls are the headline event. This is my worst nightmare, by the way. Untrained comics in front of an unassuming audience. It was a fully mutable date, folks. I started sweating, I muted, I drank more wine. Messy. The one redeemable takeaway of the date was this: Jake looked hot in his plaid shirt. Very preppy, very cute, very on-trend. We love it. What we don't love is untrained comediennes BOMBING in front of a hopefully-paid audience. Tenley avoids comedy and does body bends; Corrie trashes Vienna; Ashleigh freaks, cries, drinks too much and then eventually tells blonde jokes; and Michelle bombs bombs BOMBS. YIKES!

After the date, the girls have a "wrap party" of sorts at the Roosevelt. Tenley finally fesses up to her divorce, Ali and Ashleigh trash Vienna to Jake, and Michelle is still crazy. Surprise! Michelle then gets her coveted one-on-one time with Jake and he kicks her off. After a forced first kiss, she basically tells Jake the kiss sucked and if he can't give her what she wants, she's outta there. Granted, we're used to her veiled threats by now, but Jake takes the bait and boots her right there! Amazing. We love a rule-abiding bachelor who doesn't play by the rules. Yay Jake, and boo Michelle. While we wish you could stay around for guaranteed drama, but we also realize you're certifiably crazy and would be best suited for hard time. After the boot, Jake is too strained to give out a rose and sees himself home. Poor Jake.

The last date is the long-awaited one-on-one between Jake and Ella the Tennessean mom. It's heli-date #2 as the two are whisked away to Sea World. Um...what? Yes, let's pretend we think this is cool, and go with it. Jake gives Ella her birthday present, which is the arrival of her 7-year-old son Ethan. Her reaction utterly sucks, and she barely freaks. I was hoping for legit tears and body shakes, but we're left with a half-assed hug. I was also hoping that Ethan would ask Jake for his toy plane back, but he didn't. We're also forced to see Ella's bedazzled nails. Yes...she is a Tennessee-based hair dresser...are we surprised?!? Very little happens on this date besides the expected: Jake doesn't kiss Ella in front of the kid and he gives her a rose because she's a mom and he'd be a dick if he didn't.

Meanwhile, Vienna talks to the b*tches at home and apologizes for being horrible. They hate her regardless. Ali calls her out and Vienna cries for the second time in the episode. Boring. I'm a little nervous that Ali is going to be too outspoken thus jeopardizing her position as best bachelorette, but we'll have to wait and see if it continues...

At the pre-rose ceremony, Elizabeth does nothing for her "don't kiss me" case as Jake labels her a "tease." Then Vienna interrupts them and Elizabeth cries. Yes, Vienna was wearing a bedazzled turquoise dress and we all collectively barfed. Jake is a confused mess and he contemplates his future before handing out the roses.

He chooses:
1) Vienna
2) Ella
3) Gia
4) Corrie
5) Tenley
6) Ali
7) Jessie
8) Kathryn
9) Ashleigh

Bye: Michelle (crazy), Elizabeth (no kisses please), and Valishia (we didn't know who you were anyway).

Awards:
1) Best quote: "Michelle doesn't need a husband, she needs a therapist." - Elizabeth
2) Crazy: Michelle
3) Sexy kisser: Jake. Yum.
4) Quote #2: "I am 29 and I could have had a husband by now." - Elizabeth. While your first quote was killer, you just screwed yourself with this one. Um...you don't have a husband, and you ain't gonna get one by not kissing anyone. Best of luck finding the man of your dreams in Imperial, Nebraska.

Until next week,

Mike

Don't Bone the Help

So the wheat has separated from the shaft and we're on to episode two. Ha ha...shaft. Before the night even begins, we're promised some killer drama, as someone will be forced to leave. Yes...this is why we love The Bachelor. These women are D-R-A-M-A with a capital "mess."

Three dates tonight: two group dates and a one-on-one. Here we go.

The first date, which will hereafter be known as "Boobs and Bods" brings six lovely-ish ladies bod-to-bod with Jake at the Shangri-La in Santa Monica for a photo shoot and the inevitable first pool scene. Gia, Rozlyn, Valishia, Corrie, Christina and Ashleigh get to spend the day with the staff of InStyle. Christina is self conscious because she's not a model. And guess what? She drinks too much to compensate. Rozlyn and Gia bring out their respective saline-inspired girls, and it's almost too much. But who am I to complain about two rockin'--although fake--racks? It's just not my place. The night brings upon lots of predicted firsts: bikinis; pool scenes; straddling; rooftop kisses, you name it. One key takeaway is that Jake isn't necessarily the best at forced intimacy and he seems a bit uncomfortable, but he tries his best. The first rose goes to a very deliberate Rozlyn, who seems quite focused on winning. To heighten the tension, ABC did a fantastic job of vilifying her with some killer music and dramatic cinematic techniques. And we have our cunning vixen, folks. Let's see how the season unfolds. I hope Rozlyn's ta-tas can hold their shape through the rocky ride...er...turbulent flight ahead.

The second date is one for the books. Ali gets the first one-on-one, and I couldn't be happier. (Reminder: I already heart her.) Flying Date Number 1 involves Ali confronting her fear of flying from the outset (after awkwardly riding on the back of Jake's hog in a dress, of course), as Jake sweeps her up in the air on a flight to Palm Springs. Before I get in to the date further, I must confess that I had to get up and...well...pretty much barf up my dinner when ABC played "On the Wings of Love" as they flew over LA. What is this, 1982? WAIT...I Googled the song to check...and I'm serious. It was on Jeffrey Osborne's album released in 1982!!!! For those of you who have been with me for some time, you know that 82 is a special number. Wow. Okay, back to reality. The lovebugs land in Palm Springs, and they drive in a hot car to a romantic outdoor dinner where Ali just shows us all that she's too cute for words. We love her. So does Jake. If there was one hiccup to Ali, it was the names of her past boys (Jim, Jason, Jared, Jordan...and now Jake) but we're over it. Dinner ends and, wait for it, they're greeted by a private concert by Chicago. I DIE. Just die. "Saturday," "You're the Inspiration," are you kidding me?!? Too cool. They dance, they kiss, it's amazing. She gets a rose.

The last date is another group go around, and this time it's with Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley and Vienna (which leaves Ella, Michelle and Tenley down for the count, for those keeping score at home). The girls go with Jake to Six Flags, where they have the park to themselves. Sidenote: will any dates surprise us anymore? Who's in charge of planning the dates for this show? Because that's gotta be one thankless job. I can just see it. "Ooh, I have an idea, let's have them hop on a small plane and/or helicopter!" Nope, done it. "How about candlelight dinner with a private concert." Done that every season. "And what about..." Nope, already done it. Back to the date. Elizabeth takes Jake aside and reads him a love letter in which she asks Jake not to kiss her until she's the final one standing. Jake looks at her like she's a crazy, and so does America. But whatever. Vienna steps up next, and confesses a life full of bad dye jobs. I mean, she confesses that she eloped at age 18 after being engaged months before to another guy, a preacher's son, at the age of 17. Guess that's what happens in central Florida. Elizabeth gets the rose and they don't kiss about it. I'm going to get really sick of non-kissing. It's old, and it's only been one date.

Meanwhile, at the manse, Michelle is pissed and she's packing up to leave because she's a crazy woman who didn't get a date. Surprise! But surprise, she doesn't leave because she's a crazy woman. Yup.

At the pre-Rose Ceremony, the drama really begins. Someone's been boning the help...but who, you ask, dunnit? One guess: this season's Villain! Yay, it's Rozlyn and she's sketchy! Chris confronts her about her inappropriate relationship with a staffer who has since been let go (thanks for causing the recession, Roz), and Rozlyn replies with "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business." Sorry...it's too good. I gave it an award; please see my comment below. So, Rozlyn and her non-wrinkles are sent packing. But kudos to Rozlyn for making it this far. When your name is eerily similar to a Long Island suburb known for tragic accents and is proof that stereotypes are based on fact (yes, Roslyn), you can't have it all! Jake is sad, although he surprisingly fights back tears. On that note, let's make a bet. How many episodes until Jake cries? I vote the tears come in episode 4.

A few last notes: Tenley doesn't tell Jake about her ex-husband; Michelle gets some one-on-one time and oddly convinces Jake that's she's not bat-sh*t-crazy; and Jake gives Ella a birthday cupcake.

Rose ceremony:
1) Rozlyn. JUST KIDDING!
2) Ali
3) Elizabeth
4) Vienna
5) Gia
6) Tenley
7) Ella
8) Valishia
9) Corrie
10) Jessie
11) Ashleigh
12) Michelle. Ugh...
13) Kathryn

Adios: Rozlyn, Christina, Ashley. Byeeeee.

Awards:
1) Best date: Ali and Jake's cutescapade.
2) Frontrunner: Ali
3) Crazy: Yep, it's still you, Michelle.
4) Quote: "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business."--Rozlyn. Um, yes it is. You're on The Bachelor. It's America's business, my business, and Jake's business too. But mostly it's mine.

So we've got 12 ladies left, and lots of disaster yet to unfold. So hold tight...and I'll see you next week.

Mike

One-way Flight to Disaster

Ladies and gentleman, welcome aboard flight 82 with nonstop service to Disaster. The boarding door has now been closed, and we are ready for departure. Please make sure all seats and tray tables are in the full, upright, and locked position, and that all electronic devices are turned off and stowed. In addition, please ensure all carry-on baggage is fully under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. The seat belt sign has been illuminated, so we ask that you remain seated until the pilot has reached cruising altitude, and it is safe to move around the cabin. As you may have noticed, our flight is full of 25 hot messes vying for Jake's love; thus we expect a rather bumpy ride. So please, sit back, relax, and enjoy the three-month flight to Disaster. And again, due to the premise of this show, the piss-poor track record of its success, and the quality of women selected this season, the flight may be a bit turbulent. Thanks for your allegiance to The Bachelor Airways; we all know that during these trying times you have many choices in air carriers, and we thank you for continuing your love of self-inflicted harm by flying the Disastrous Skies.

How's that for an opener to what promises to be a season full of awkward and forced pilot references? Boys, girls, and lovers, welcome back. How many seasons has it been? And why are we still watching this? Because it's a mess and we just can't help ourselves. Oh, also you all love me and my e-antics. Or perhaps Jake's abs just beckoned you a little too much and you gave in once again. As we begin another season of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette, the age-old conundrum confronts us again. Which do we like more? One comment from my unbelievably attractive couch mate last night bemoaned the lack of 25 sexy men. I countered with the guaranteed drama and cattiness of 25 girls, and the argument was put to a delayed rest. (I'll get back to you on my final verdict.) What we're stuck with is this: 6 rock hard abs and 25 idiot girls (give or take a few good ones), and we love it.

I'll race right through the opening section of gratuitous abs and shirtless scenes, Jake's scripted voice over, and the lead up to the girls' arrival, and jump right into the runway show of this season's 25 hoes. I won't comment on each of the 25, but I will pick out a few gems. First off, has our Texas quota been lowered this season? I usually expect a good 20% of the cast to be big-haired and Texan, but this season we're just stuck with a few chicks and Jake himself. Boring. But what we lack in Texas-two-stepping mall hair, we make up in...GASP...Canadians. Good god, wasn't Jillian enough? We're forced to accept two (count them, two) chicks from Canadia, full of stories of their mythical land to the North? Listen, I'm 30 now (OMG that happened just over a week ago and my anti-wrinkle regimen has fully begun), and I'm no longer interested in fantasy-based fairy tales. Canada is pretend, just admit it. A few more notes: Jessie's (from Canada) dress is a sparkly red-black vampire disaster; Vienna is an overdyed Floridian transplant from what I'm sure was Jersey; Valishia is a "homemaker" (WTF...don't you have to be married to be a "homemaker"?!?!); Channy the Cambodian Tranny is just that; and roughly 80% of the chicks made, you guessed it, awkward pilot/flight references in their introductions. Another note: Jake has a bad tendency to end introductions and/or conversations and/or awkward moments by going in for the friendly hug. Jake is an awkward hugger and he uses it as a defense mechanism. Stay tuned all season for more!

Once inside, our smiley, bad-tie-wearing Jake greets his brood and the antics begin. Dirty landing strip jokes (thanks, Tranny), costumes, football games and a ridiculous game of "airplane" immediately commence. Jillian and Ed show up to help Jake decide who is crazy and who is crazier, and we get some good moments. Michelle quickly rises to the top as this season's resident Lovestruck Crazy Person, as her love tears begin streaming almost immediately because she just can't help being in love with Jake upon meeting him and she is here for love and she's going to win damn it! But wait, you're crazy, and no, you're not going to win.

The first kiss goes to Tenley, a divorced blondie, who immediately freaks out to the camera after forcing herself on Jake because she has only "been with" one man, and this was her first "real kiss" since her ex-husband. Wait, a peck on the lips is a "real kiss"? Um...so my first "real kiss" was at age two when I laid on top of my neighbor and forcibly kissed her? Amazing. Ali, one of my early favorites, rips her dress when first talking to Jake, and it's cute. Also, Ella, the hair-dressing mom of a 7-year-old gives Jake her son's favorite toy: a metal airplane. Was I the only one horrified that this mother STOLE her child's toy to give it to a stranger?!?!? This one won't be winning any Mother of the Year awards any time soon. But then again, what Tennessee-based divorced hair dresser would...

The much-anticipated First Impression Rose goes to Tenley, even after her freak out. I must say, I have a small-ish soft spot in my heart for anyone in college admissions, so I'll excuse her premature tears. But I think Ali and/or Elizabeth from Nebraska should have gotten it because I like them more.

The rose ceremony takes our 25 down to 15, and we're left with:

Tenley
Rozlyn
Ali
Jessie (I won't comment on her dress or her Canadian-ness)
Ella
Kathryn
Vienna
Corrie
Valishia (I won't comment on her name)
Gia (I won't comment on her boobs and/or her "swimsuit model" job title)
Elizabeth
Ashley
Christina
Ashleigh
Michelle

Nothing much more to say here besides the clips of the season to come hint at WAY too much drama. So much fun! Then again, this happens each season and the drama never really packs the punch we're promised. Let's hope this season it does. Clearly, Jake will cry like 12 times this season, but will the tears be warranted?

Awards:
1) Top Four Frontrunners: Ali, Elizabeth, Tenley, Kathryn
2) Crazy: Michelle
3) Worst Dress: Jessie, the Canadian. How did that mess make it through customs?
4) Best sign-off after getting the boot: "I wanted to be co-pilot, but I'm just waving goodbye from the tarmac." --Tiana...awesome.

Until next week,
Mike