Don't Bone the Help

So the wheat has separated from the shaft and we're on to episode two. Ha ha...shaft. Before the night even begins, we're promised some killer drama, as someone will be forced to leave. Yes...this is why we love The Bachelor. These women are D-R-A-M-A with a capital "mess."

Three dates tonight: two group dates and a one-on-one. Here we go.

The first date, which will hereafter be known as "Boobs and Bods" brings six lovely-ish ladies bod-to-bod with Jake at the Shangri-La in Santa Monica for a photo shoot and the inevitable first pool scene. Gia, Rozlyn, Valishia, Corrie, Christina and Ashleigh get to spend the day with the staff of InStyle. Christina is self conscious because she's not a model. And guess what? She drinks too much to compensate. Rozlyn and Gia bring out their respective saline-inspired girls, and it's almost too much. But who am I to complain about two rockin'--although fake--racks? It's just not my place. The night brings upon lots of predicted firsts: bikinis; pool scenes; straddling; rooftop kisses, you name it. One key takeaway is that Jake isn't necessarily the best at forced intimacy and he seems a bit uncomfortable, but he tries his best. The first rose goes to a very deliberate Rozlyn, who seems quite focused on winning. To heighten the tension, ABC did a fantastic job of vilifying her with some killer music and dramatic cinematic techniques. And we have our cunning vixen, folks. Let's see how the season unfolds. I hope Rozlyn's ta-tas can hold their shape through the rocky ride...er...turbulent flight ahead.

The second date is one for the books. Ali gets the first one-on-one, and I couldn't be happier. (Reminder: I already heart her.) Flying Date Number 1 involves Ali confronting her fear of flying from the outset (after awkwardly riding on the back of Jake's hog in a dress, of course), as Jake sweeps her up in the air on a flight to Palm Springs. Before I get in to the date further, I must confess that I had to get up and...well...pretty much barf up my dinner when ABC played "On the Wings of Love" as they flew over LA. What is this, 1982? WAIT...I Googled the song to check...and I'm serious. It was on Jeffrey Osborne's album released in 1982!!!! For those of you who have been with me for some time, you know that 82 is a special number. Wow. Okay, back to reality. The lovebugs land in Palm Springs, and they drive in a hot car to a romantic outdoor dinner where Ali just shows us all that she's too cute for words. We love her. So does Jake. If there was one hiccup to Ali, it was the names of her past boys (Jim, Jason, Jared, Jordan...and now Jake) but we're over it. Dinner ends and, wait for it, they're greeted by a private concert by Chicago. I DIE. Just die. "Saturday," "You're the Inspiration," are you kidding me?!? Too cool. They dance, they kiss, it's amazing. She gets a rose.

The last date is another group go around, and this time it's with Elizabeth, Jessie, Kathryn, Ashley and Vienna (which leaves Ella, Michelle and Tenley down for the count, for those keeping score at home). The girls go with Jake to Six Flags, where they have the park to themselves. Sidenote: will any dates surprise us anymore? Who's in charge of planning the dates for this show? Because that's gotta be one thankless job. I can just see it. "Ooh, I have an idea, let's have them hop on a small plane and/or helicopter!" Nope, done it. "How about candlelight dinner with a private concert." Done that every season. "And what about..." Nope, already done it. Back to the date. Elizabeth takes Jake aside and reads him a love letter in which she asks Jake not to kiss her until she's the final one standing. Jake looks at her like she's a crazy, and so does America. But whatever. Vienna steps up next, and confesses a life full of bad dye jobs. I mean, she confesses that she eloped at age 18 after being engaged months before to another guy, a preacher's son, at the age of 17. Guess that's what happens in central Florida. Elizabeth gets the rose and they don't kiss about it. I'm going to get really sick of non-kissing. It's old, and it's only been one date.

Meanwhile, at the manse, Michelle is pissed and she's packing up to leave because she's a crazy woman who didn't get a date. Surprise! But surprise, she doesn't leave because she's a crazy woman. Yup.

At the pre-Rose Ceremony, the drama really begins. Someone's been boning the help...but who, you ask, dunnit? One guess: this season's Villain! Yay, it's Rozlyn and she's sketchy! Chris confronts her about her inappropriate relationship with a staffer who has since been let go (thanks for causing the recession, Roz), and Rozlyn replies with "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business." Sorry...it's too good. I gave it an award; please see my comment below. So, Rozlyn and her non-wrinkles are sent packing. But kudos to Rozlyn for making it this far. When your name is eerily similar to a Long Island suburb known for tragic accents and is proof that stereotypes are based on fact (yes, Roslyn), you can't have it all! Jake is sad, although he surprisingly fights back tears. On that note, let's make a bet. How many episodes until Jake cries? I vote the tears come in episode 4.

A few last notes: Tenley doesn't tell Jake about her ex-husband; Michelle gets some one-on-one time and oddly convinces Jake that's she's not bat-sh*t-crazy; and Jake gives Ella a birthday cupcake.

Rose ceremony:
1) Rozlyn. JUST KIDDING!
2) Ali
3) Elizabeth
4) Vienna
5) Gia
6) Tenley
7) Ella
8) Valishia
9) Corrie
10) Jessie
11) Ashleigh
12) Michelle. Ugh...
13) Kathryn

Adios: Rozlyn, Christina, Ashley. Byeeeee.

Awards:
1) Best date: Ali and Jake's cutescapade.
2) Frontrunner: Ali
3) Crazy: Yep, it's still you, Michelle.
4) Quote: "I don't think my personal life is anyone's business."--Rozlyn. Um, yes it is. You're on The Bachelor. It's America's business, my business, and Jake's business too. But mostly it's mine.

So we've got 12 ladies left, and lots of disaster yet to unfold. So hold tight...and I'll see you next week.

Mike