And then there were 9...poor Jake

Jesus take the wheel...it's a night of drama and I've had 9 glasses of wine. Please steer us in the right direction.

Tonight we have two one-on-one dates and one big happy (I mean raging disaster) group date.

The first one-on-one goes to the most hated woman in the house, Dye Job McGee, I mean Vienna. Why she should be named after a beautiful European city I do not know, but let's leave that be for now. It's the first heli-date of the season as Jake and Vienna flit away to a 300-foot drop. They fly to a crazy scary bungee jumping adventure, and Jake has a minor freak out prior to the plunge. I think he's officially the first bachelor to freak like this, but let's just move on and await his tears in the next couple episodes. They jump, they fall, they kiss, her dye job is still bad, yada yada. Afterwords, they drink wine out of awkwardly tall wine glasses, do the requisite hot tub scene, and she gets a rose. Vienna then goes home and gushes about her date and everyone hates her. The end.

Date #2 will hereafter be known as the "Worst Date Ever on The Bachelor." OMG I die I die I die. Jon Lovitz hosts the crew at his comedy club where the girls are the headline event. This is my worst nightmare, by the way. Untrained comics in front of an unassuming audience. It was a fully mutable date, folks. I started sweating, I muted, I drank more wine. Messy. The one redeemable takeaway of the date was this: Jake looked hot in his plaid shirt. Very preppy, very cute, very on-trend. We love it. What we don't love is untrained comediennes BOMBING in front of a hopefully-paid audience. Tenley avoids comedy and does body bends; Corrie trashes Vienna; Ashleigh freaks, cries, drinks too much and then eventually tells blonde jokes; and Michelle bombs bombs BOMBS. YIKES!

After the date, the girls have a "wrap party" of sorts at the Roosevelt. Tenley finally fesses up to her divorce, Ali and Ashleigh trash Vienna to Jake, and Michelle is still crazy. Surprise! Michelle then gets her coveted one-on-one time with Jake and he kicks her off. After a forced first kiss, she basically tells Jake the kiss sucked and if he can't give her what she wants, she's outta there. Granted, we're used to her veiled threats by now, but Jake takes the bait and boots her right there! Amazing. We love a rule-abiding bachelor who doesn't play by the rules. Yay Jake, and boo Michelle. While we wish you could stay around for guaranteed drama, but we also realize you're certifiably crazy and would be best suited for hard time. After the boot, Jake is too strained to give out a rose and sees himself home. Poor Jake.

The last date is the long-awaited one-on-one between Jake and Ella the Tennessean mom. It's heli-date #2 as the two are whisked away to Sea World. Um...what? Yes, let's pretend we think this is cool, and go with it. Jake gives Ella her birthday present, which is the arrival of her 7-year-old son Ethan. Her reaction utterly sucks, and she barely freaks. I was hoping for legit tears and body shakes, but we're left with a half-assed hug. I was also hoping that Ethan would ask Jake for his toy plane back, but he didn't. We're also forced to see Ella's bedazzled nails. Yes...she is a Tennessee-based hair dresser...are we surprised?!? Very little happens on this date besides the expected: Jake doesn't kiss Ella in front of the kid and he gives her a rose because she's a mom and he'd be a dick if he didn't.

Meanwhile, Vienna talks to the b*tches at home and apologizes for being horrible. They hate her regardless. Ali calls her out and Vienna cries for the second time in the episode. Boring. I'm a little nervous that Ali is going to be too outspoken thus jeopardizing her position as best bachelorette, but we'll have to wait and see if it continues...

At the pre-rose ceremony, Elizabeth does nothing for her "don't kiss me" case as Jake labels her a "tease." Then Vienna interrupts them and Elizabeth cries. Yes, Vienna was wearing a bedazzled turquoise dress and we all collectively barfed. Jake is a confused mess and he contemplates his future before handing out the roses.

He chooses:
1) Vienna
2) Ella
3) Gia
4) Corrie
5) Tenley
6) Ali
7) Jessie
8) Kathryn
9) Ashleigh

Bye: Michelle (crazy), Elizabeth (no kisses please), and Valishia (we didn't know who you were anyway).

Awards:
1) Best quote: "Michelle doesn't need a husband, she needs a therapist." - Elizabeth
2) Crazy: Michelle
3) Sexy kisser: Jake. Yum.
4) Quote #2: "I am 29 and I could have had a husband by now." - Elizabeth. While your first quote was killer, you just screwed yourself with this one. Um...you don't have a husband, and you ain't gonna get one by not kissing anyone. Best of luck finding the man of your dreams in Imperial, Nebraska.

Until next week,

Mike