One-way Flight to Disaster

Ladies and gentleman, welcome aboard flight 82 with nonstop service to Disaster. The boarding door has now been closed, and we are ready for departure. Please make sure all seats and tray tables are in the full, upright, and locked position, and that all electronic devices are turned off and stowed. In addition, please ensure all carry-on baggage is fully under the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. The seat belt sign has been illuminated, so we ask that you remain seated until the pilot has reached cruising altitude, and it is safe to move around the cabin. As you may have noticed, our flight is full of 25 hot messes vying for Jake's love; thus we expect a rather bumpy ride. So please, sit back, relax, and enjoy the three-month flight to Disaster. And again, due to the premise of this show, the piss-poor track record of its success, and the quality of women selected this season, the flight may be a bit turbulent. Thanks for your allegiance to The Bachelor Airways; we all know that during these trying times you have many choices in air carriers, and we thank you for continuing your love of self-inflicted harm by flying the Disastrous Skies.

How's that for an opener to what promises to be a season full of awkward and forced pilot references? Boys, girls, and lovers, welcome back. How many seasons has it been? And why are we still watching this? Because it's a mess and we just can't help ourselves. Oh, also you all love me and my e-antics. Or perhaps Jake's abs just beckoned you a little too much and you gave in once again. As we begin another season of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette, the age-old conundrum confronts us again. Which do we like more? One comment from my unbelievably attractive couch mate last night bemoaned the lack of 25 sexy men. I countered with the guaranteed drama and cattiness of 25 girls, and the argument was put to a delayed rest. (I'll get back to you on my final verdict.) What we're stuck with is this: 6 rock hard abs and 25 idiot girls (give or take a few good ones), and we love it.

I'll race right through the opening section of gratuitous abs and shirtless scenes, Jake's scripted voice over, and the lead up to the girls' arrival, and jump right into the runway show of this season's 25 hoes. I won't comment on each of the 25, but I will pick out a few gems. First off, has our Texas quota been lowered this season? I usually expect a good 20% of the cast to be big-haired and Texan, but this season we're just stuck with a few chicks and Jake himself. Boring. But what we lack in Texas-two-stepping mall hair, we make up in...GASP...Canadians. Good god, wasn't Jillian enough? We're forced to accept two (count them, two) chicks from Canadia, full of stories of their mythical land to the North? Listen, I'm 30 now (OMG that happened just over a week ago and my anti-wrinkle regimen has fully begun), and I'm no longer interested in fantasy-based fairy tales. Canada is pretend, just admit it. A few more notes: Jessie's (from Canada) dress is a sparkly red-black vampire disaster; Vienna is an overdyed Floridian transplant from what I'm sure was Jersey; Valishia is a "homemaker" (WTF...don't you have to be married to be a "homemaker"?!?!); Channy the Cambodian Tranny is just that; and roughly 80% of the chicks made, you guessed it, awkward pilot/flight references in their introductions. Another note: Jake has a bad tendency to end introductions and/or conversations and/or awkward moments by going in for the friendly hug. Jake is an awkward hugger and he uses it as a defense mechanism. Stay tuned all season for more!

Once inside, our smiley, bad-tie-wearing Jake greets his brood and the antics begin. Dirty landing strip jokes (thanks, Tranny), costumes, football games and a ridiculous game of "airplane" immediately commence. Jillian and Ed show up to help Jake decide who is crazy and who is crazier, and we get some good moments. Michelle quickly rises to the top as this season's resident Lovestruck Crazy Person, as her love tears begin streaming almost immediately because she just can't help being in love with Jake upon meeting him and she is here for love and she's going to win damn it! But wait, you're crazy, and no, you're not going to win.

The first kiss goes to Tenley, a divorced blondie, who immediately freaks out to the camera after forcing herself on Jake because she has only "been with" one man, and this was her first "real kiss" since her ex-husband. Wait, a peck on the lips is a "real kiss"? Um...so my first "real kiss" was at age two when I laid on top of my neighbor and forcibly kissed her? Amazing. Ali, one of my early favorites, rips her dress when first talking to Jake, and it's cute. Also, Ella, the hair-dressing mom of a 7-year-old gives Jake her son's favorite toy: a metal airplane. Was I the only one horrified that this mother STOLE her child's toy to give it to a stranger?!?!? This one won't be winning any Mother of the Year awards any time soon. But then again, what Tennessee-based divorced hair dresser would...

The much-anticipated First Impression Rose goes to Tenley, even after her freak out. I must say, I have a small-ish soft spot in my heart for anyone in college admissions, so I'll excuse her premature tears. But I think Ali and/or Elizabeth from Nebraska should have gotten it because I like them more.

The rose ceremony takes our 25 down to 15, and we're left with:

Tenley
Rozlyn
Ali
Jessie (I won't comment on her dress or her Canadian-ness)
Ella
Kathryn
Vienna
Corrie
Valishia (I won't comment on her name)
Gia (I won't comment on her boobs and/or her "swimsuit model" job title)
Elizabeth
Ashley
Christina
Ashleigh
Michelle

Nothing much more to say here besides the clips of the season to come hint at WAY too much drama. So much fun! Then again, this happens each season and the drama never really packs the punch we're promised. Let's hope this season it does. Clearly, Jake will cry like 12 times this season, but will the tears be warranted?

Awards:
1) Top Four Frontrunners: Ali, Elizabeth, Tenley, Kathryn
2) Crazy: Michelle
3) Worst Dress: Jessie, the Canadian. How did that mess make it through customs?
4) Best sign-off after getting the boot: "I wanted to be co-pilot, but I'm just waving goodbye from the tarmac." --Tiana...awesome.

Until next week,
Mike