The Hometown Date episode. Always an hour full of fun and surprises. Past years have brought us gun-wielding fathers, artificial insemination apparati for horses, parents who speak no English…but that’s all in the past. This year we have trashy hair salons in Wichita, freaky moms in California, and, well, let’s get to it.
The first date (preceded by requisite shower scene as Brad prepares to travel) takes us to Wichita, KS. We visit a scantily-clad Jenni at some theatre where she thoroughly embarrasses herself by dancing poorly for Brad. She gets on stage and shows Brad what she’s made of. Very little. Are you kidding? It’s like a 6th-grade talent show with girls in pink bedazzled tights dancing for pre-pubescent boys in the cafetorium during fifth period. And then we go meet the family at the hair salon. Yes, the hair salon, complete with Grandma wearing a granny slogan tee. Amazing. Grandma asks Brad if he’s a drinking man as they all imbibe beverages during lunch. So weird. And then her mom washes Brad’s hair. I mean…has she inhaled a few too many bad dye jobs over her years at the Wichita family salon? I can’t. It’s just too much. By the end, I feel like the crazy chemistry they once had has faded a bit, but let’s wait and see. And Jenni? Lose the dress. And the trashy family.
Back to California to meet Sheena’s family. Brad meets Sheena in Walnut Creek, CA, just outside of Berkeley. I know this because I’m famous and I travel for work…err…used to travel for work until I assumed my new glamorous life. But back to the point. Sheena’s parents pull up and take the lovebirds tubing…behind a boat that’s FAR too large to be pulling tubers. A 34-foot Sea Ray is no boat for sports on water (I would have said watersports but that word has negative connotations). I know this because I’m basically a yachtsman. And I’m famous. Then we go back to Crazy Mom talking about stars aligning and signs and pure ridiculousity. I’m so serious. I would have removed myself from the conversation immediately. I also would have had to throw up the entire time my mom talked to me about the wedding plans. It’s just too much. She is a loony tune, and Sheena is clearly embarrassed and nervous as her mother is now her biggest liability.
Date three: Canton, GA for a Big Fat Greek Hometown Date. She brings the clichéd Georgia peaches, and I’m bored. They immediately go to the house to meet the dad, family and step-mother. DeAnna’s bitchiness falls by the wayside as she sees her family. And speaking of family…Grandma and Grandpa come over with “the booze” and I’m immediately in love. The grandfather says “Let’s party,” and I seriously think he might be the coolest. They force him to take 82 shots, and I’m not sure how he held it together.
The last date reunites Bettina and Brad in Hell…I mean, at Bettina’s parent’s place in DC. Her dad’s house is totally gorgeous…but that’s about all that’s cute. They question his education, his business, and her father says, “That’s a great disappointment.” He runs a “bunch of bars” and they’re totally judgmental. I mean, I’ve never judged anyone my entire life, so basically these people suck. I mean, your daughter is on The Bachelor. Are you really surprised by what’s happening on the show? Your divorced daughter is basically on a dating show. You knew this. Father takes Daughter out to chat and he’s 100% professor in a bad way. No feelings, all academic. Blah blah blah. The moms question Brad at the same time, and they suck too. Brad is totally offended and I actually feel bad. Bettina tries to tell Brad that she’s “not really that good on paper either,” and that heats him up more. He kind of goes off on her without raising his voice. Poor guy. He’s pissed and he hates her.
In the end, Brad chooses:
1) DeAnna
2) Jenni
3) Bettina
Sayonara to Sheena, which is a massive slap in the face after his horrible date at Bettina’s. Yikes…I guess Crazy Mom really proved she was a crazy one.
Awards:
1) Most boring Hometown Date episode ever: This one.
2) Least talented Phoenix Suns dancer: Jenni. Remind me to go get popcorn during halftime of the next Suns game I go to.
3) Worst parents: Bettina’s. Best of luck winning. Brad hates your family…fat chance.
Until next week,
Mike
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