Biggest Meltdown Ever

A bottle of wine later, I commence writing.

Chris begins the episode by announcing the next three dates: two one-one-ones and a group date. He is also wearing one of the most tragic shirts I’ve ever seen in Bachelor history. And let’s be honest, there are some rather disastrous fashion choices on this show.

The first date is a one-on-one with Between-a-Man. And that she is. Their romantic date on a gondola on the feces-infested waters of Southern California is truly dream-like. Awkward moments, no chemistry, kisses on the cheek...it’s really what dreams are made of. Bad dreams, that is. Honestly, it was just not cute. What are we, 12? Kissing on the cheek? I mean…

The second date is the group date. It’s a pool party circa 7th grade (did we all hear the girls scream when the invitation announced the pool party theme?). Jenni, Hillary, Christy and DeAnna put on their bikinis (against some of their better judgment) and the party begins! Christy is boring and sits on the sidelines. Hillary gets hammered and says things that ABC bleeps out. I laugh out loud as I read her lips as she goes through her fantasies with Brad “doing her from behind,” “tapping her ass,” and “taking her t*ts out.” Yes, you read correctly. She said this. It was pretty much hilarious and awesome. Brad also tells her he thinks they might be “too good of friends” which is pretty much “you suck” in Bachelor-speak. Then Brad and Jenni make out because they’re madly in love. Date done.

The last date is the “most romantic date yet” (no…really? You don’t say!). The 23-year-old Sheena has a date full of surprises with Brad. She gets to pick out a dress, she gets to dine among a floor full of balloons, she gets to fall down the stairs, et cetera. Yes, fall down the stairs. That’s what I said. Fall down the stairs. Aileen and I both laughed out loud on multiple occasions during the string of events as Sheena appears in her “beautiful” gown and approaches Brad while descending stairs in heels. She falls. It was amazing, and I’m pissed they didn’t replay it 82 times. I mean, she fell down the stairs! Brilliant! I don’t really remember anything else that happened during the rest of the date.

And then there’s the pre-rose-ceremony. Sheena recites the most elementary poem ever composed and Brad pretends it’s romantic. Any mention of “moles” in a poem is just simply un-poetic. DeAnna then sees Brad and comments on her butt. I’m sorry, what?

Meanwhile, Jenni and Between-a-Man talk about Bettina’s supposed sarcasm about her date. Jenni, bad headband and all, is annoyed.

Then Between-a gets some time with Brad. They awkwardly talk about their awkward date and it’s simply awkward. It’s like Bettina and Brad are discussing some sort of official business. Like Bettina’s a tire saleswoman and she’s reading over the new warranty Brad just signed up for. It’s just plain business-like.

And then…Hillary. A very booby Hillary and Brad talk about their friendship. Hillary secretly thinks, “Friendship?!? NOOOOOOOO!!!! You’re my LOVER!!!! I’M CRAZY IN LOVE AND MAYBE JUST CRAZY.” But she evades Brad dissing her and she pretends they are in love.

Brad chooses:

1) DeAnna
2) Jenni
3) Sheena
4) Bettina

Goodbye: Hillary and Christy

Awards:
1) Most dramatic: Hillary. Enough said.
2) Worst overall look: Jenni. Get some fashion sense. Thanks.
3) Most intense cleavage: Hillary’s. Wow.

Until next week,

Mike