Fantasyland

Fantasyland

It’s Fantasy Date Night and, although the fantasy we once had that this season would be amazing has long faded, we feign excitement and drink more wine…er…watch the show anyway. It’s a night full of hot tubs, hot bods, and hot moments between lovers. Times three.

First things first. All dates are in the same place: Cabo. Budget cuts much? What ever happened to flying around the world to meet the hoes at various tropical locales? What, ABC has resorted to renting a Hertz Rent-a-car and driving three hours south to dirty Mexico? And, let’s not even mention the fact that the episode is like 39 minutes long. Amazing.

The first fantasy date is with Jenni. She shows up in Cabo and swims with the dolphins with Brad while wearing a cheetah-print bikini with pink bows. Yes, I just wrote “cheetah-print bikini with pink bows” and that’s what she wore. Disaster. Then they had dinner. Brad wore a horrendous lime green shirt and Jenni jumped the gun by asking Brad what was in his pocket (i.e. the proposal to bone from Chris Harrison). They boned. End scene. My favorite part? When Brad pretended that he was worried that she might not want to bone…I mean spend the night together.

Then Between-a-Man showed up with her bangin’ bod (and bad skin). They sailed, they went to Lovers’ Beach (reminder to all lovers: we’re vacationing there immediately), they had dinner and it was awkward as always. Every time they’re together it’s like a blind date all over again. She bullsh*ts him and says the only thing her horribly-judgmental family was concerned about was Brad’s intentions and we see through it. If only we could have seen through the walls of their bedroom as they boned 20 minutes later. Damn the man.

DeAnna arrives last. They drive cars. She tells him she’s falling in love, they kiss. Sidenote: every dinner was at the same place. Again, we realize the real estate market is down and CEO’s of the big banks are dropping like flies, but can ABC make their budget cuts more obvious? Let’s get real. And then…you guessed it…they bone in the Fantasy Suite.

Then, in typical budget-cut fashion, Brad walks into to a rose ceremony of already-assembled ladies waiting to be axed. I love The Bachelor in fast-forward motion.

1) Jenni
2) DeAnna

Between-a-Man is once again just that: Between a man. Girl better go home to her judgy family and find some PhD student to marry. She totally wasted a cute dress for nothing. Between-a holds it together, though. But, she’s been through this before, let’s be honest. I also might think she must be a cold-hearted emotionless actress. Her monologue in the limo on the way home was amazing. Big words, no feeling. It was very well-delivered.

Until next week,

Mike