9 to 6.

Nine ladies. Three dates. At least two fake boobs. One mullet.

The first date is a one-on-one with the chick Brad really likes: Jenni with an “i.” Just as she danced her way onto the Phoenix Suns dance team and E-List fame, Jenni has danced her way to Brad’s heart and he’s smitten. In typical Bachelor fashion, Brad arrives via helicopter to whisk away his lady to fantasy land (what would a season of The Bachelor be without a helicopter ride and awkward conversation via headsets?). That fantasy land means downtown LA is debatable, but whatever. The lovebirds dine al fresco on a rooftop and make out on the couch.

Meanwhile, at the manse, the eight gals who were left behind begin to bicker. McCarten and DeAnna, in their bitchy ways, stirred the pot and got a rise out of Jade. Yes, we’re still wondering about why Jade has a mullet, but it’s fine.

Clearly, after the make-out, Brad gives Jenni a rose.

Date two is a group date with Sheena, McCarten, Hillary, Bettina, Stephy and Kristy. They do some improv, Bettina embarrasses herself by blurting out “I love you Brad,” Hillary is actually kinda funny, and Kristy is a big mess. Bettina’s boobs were also surprisingly perky as she acted like a dog, supine on the floor. In the end, Between-a-Man gets the rose.

Before the date ends, DeAnna and Jade get their date box back at home and the drama heats up: only one will return. Ooooooh…

The third date begins with a tense limo ride between the two girls who hate each other. So fun…gotta love the tension. I’m watching and awaiting an all-out bitch fight…here’s hopin’.

The date begins with Brad questioning the girls, and the competition begins. I get uncomfortable immediately. Is this a reenactment of the Kristen Wiig skit on SNL where she one-ups everything everyone says? Yes. I pretty much invented love, so…

Sidenote: I’ve decided I’m over DeAnna. She’s a wench. Her Greekness, which I would usually love, kind of loses its luster when she opens her mouth and her Southern twang falls out. It’s like Spinakopita served with a stale Waffle House waffle. They just don’t go together. I also hate Jade’s hair.

And then, the rose…goes…to…DeAnna. Of course it does. He walks Jade to the door, shares some platitudes with her like, “I think you’re a wonderful person,” and she’s on her way back to Tennessee. Rocky Top!! Cue the hot tub scene with DeAnna and Brad. End scene.

Sidenote Two: This season is boring.

Before the rose ceremony, some more truths come out. The hoes hear who Brad kissed first, the inevitable drama ensues, it’s fabulous. A few “sluts” are tossed out there, it’s simply grand. I mean, what did these girls expect? Brad to go all Mormon on us and not kiss anyone? Or do they want him to go all Mormon on us and marry everyone? I’m just sayin’…don’t get all Mitt Romney on my ass right now.

Love that Brad thinks Kristy might be too “refined” for him. I’m sorry, is her moustache refined? Did I miss something?

What I hate about Brad are his answers and his annoying reassurances like “It’s okay,” “Don’t worry,” when girls start to cry or when things get uncomfortable. Just shut up.

And the final six are:
1) Jenni
2) DeAnna
3) Bettina
4) Kristy
5) Sheena
6) Hillary

Adios Stephy and McCarten.

Awards:
1) Best fake ones: Between-a-Man’s.
2) Biggest bitch: DeAnna.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. did anyone catch all the “mosts” coming up next week? “Most dramatic exit ever,” “Most romantic date ever,” it’s just too much!