Special Parts

So we’re down to 12. 12 hoes showing their claws, fighting for their man, embarrassing themselves, you know the drill.

Tonight there are three dates: two group dates and a one-on-one.

The first date is a group date, and it involves the circus. Yes, the circus. The Bachelor goes carnie, and I love every minute of it. The troop of carnies are Stephy, McCarten, Jenni, Lindsey, Sarah and DeAnna. Brad picks up the girls only to take them to the “Luxury Box” at the circus. Excuse me? Luxury box and circus in the same sentence? Oxymoronic much?

Nothing really happens at the circus except circus freaks, circus acts, and the first rose going to Stephy because she talks about her dad and how amazing he is. Not into it. Oh, and Brad still likes Jenni with an “i” because the chemistry is “beyond words” and because she shakes her ass like a professional dancer. Because that’s what she is. In Phoenix. Another kicker is McCarten referencing her three-year relationship…when she was 13. Amazing. Congrats on dating someone in 8th grade.

The second date is the famed one-on-one. Hillary meets Brad lookin’ all cute, and is immediately bejeweled with $1,000,000 worth of bling. Brilly. Then they fly to San Francisco and have a gay old time. The eat dinner, Hillary cries. They drink champagne, Hillary cries. They have dessert, Hillary cries. And so on. But Brad is wooed by her tears and he gives her a rose. She’s a raging emotional mess, and I love it. Her hair is remarkably huge. Does she have roots in Texas?

The third date reunites Christy, Sheena, Jade, Bettina, and Solisa with their beloved Brad. They go sailing, they ride wave runners, they get pulled over by aqua cops, they confess divorces...you know, all the normal stuff. Yes, Sheena did a power slide and got pulled over, and Between-a-man told Brad about her divorce. Then Christy got the rose and Bettina figured it was totally because of her ex-hubby. We’re not sure. But we are sure that Christy has an annoying laugh.

And then…Brad’s twin arrives! His “identical” twin, although we can all easily differentiate him from Brad physically…but not aurally. They don’t so much look identical, but when they talk, it sounds like Brad is having a heart-to-heart with himself. I literally laughed out loud. But not as much as when I realized they were named Chad and Brad. What parents do that? Chad also has a wedding ring tan line.

Chad, studied and ready, enters the cocktail party with the ladies and charms them with his unidentical-to-Brad looks. McCarten, the first one to face Chad (and the worst dressed) just doesn’t get it. Lindsey, the “model” from Michigan, is totally won over by “Brad” and her smarts are reaffirmed. She’s basically Einstein.

Sheena immediately realizes something is different. She’s a sweetheart.

Christy does the same. Between-a-man (Bettina) also notices. Stephy and some other chick notice as well. Sarah also thinks he’s different…but she doesn’t really get it.

Roses go to:
1) Stephy
2) Hillary
3) Christy
4) Sheena
5) McCarten
6) Jenni (with an “i”)
7) Jade
8) DeAnna
9) Between-a-Man (Bettina)

Peace out to:
1) Sarah
2) Solisa
3) Lindsey

Tonight’s Awards:
1) Smartest: Lindsey. Chad didn’t even register on her radar.
2) Best Carnie: Jenni with an “i.” She did a double back handspring!
3) Best Voiceover: Chad. Brad and Chad pretty much share a voice.
4) Best use of the phrase “special parts:” Solisa. Honey, we saw your “special parts” last episode when you took your top off.
5) Worst dressed: McCarten at the rose ceremony. Teal meets blue meets green meets vomit.

Until next week,

Mike