Cirque de So Gay

Lovers and friends,

Since I last posted, New York has seen a dreaded 18+ MORE inches of snow, and another solid week of boot-wearing. (My duck boots look fantastic, by the way.) While we brace for the next winter storm coming tonight through Wednesday (which NBC's Ann Curry histrionically dubbed perhaps "the biggest winter storm in history"), I took it upon myself to enjoy half-off bottles of wine prior to this evening's viewing in order to mute the impending drama of The Best Show on Television. Thank god for the sensory-deprivation brought on by alcohol.

So we're done with the luxury of LA and we're flying east to the sin of Vegas as tonight's episode marks the end of the glamorous life in the hills of Hollywood and we slowly but surely move to the sin of the desert and beyond. While I will never understand the lure to and love of Vegas, we find ourselves here once again, for the 82nd season in a row. Why these trannies freak out about this plastic manufactured non-city is beyond me, but they do. Maybe it has something to do with Brad's plastic and manufactured non-personality. Or the fact that they're all strippers in the making, but I digress...

The 11 remaining ladies arrive to the Aria Las Vegas to begin a week of a one-on-one date, a group date, and the dreaded two-on-one date in which one is guaranteed a flight home. The lovers are greeted by Brad and escorted to their lovely corner suite overlooking the desert and urban sprawl that is America's Worst City, and they greet it with expected gasps and glee. I barf, take another sip of wine, and brace myself for the night ahead.

The one-on-one date goes to Shawntel, the resident Funeral Director, because every group of women needs to have one funeral director, right? The date begins with every woman's dream: an all expenses-paid shopping spree in one of the country's biggest malls. Granted, I would die of horror because I hate malls, but Shawntel and Brad eat it up and spend ABC's hard-earned money at Prada, Fendi, Bally, et cetera. [Sidenote: has anyone else noticed Brad's un-tame-able cowlick? It's hilarious. He's like Dennis the Menace with biceps and nothing of worth to say.] Needless to say, Shawntel ends her afternoon with a hell of a lot more loot than she started with, and it's on to the evening portion of the date (after pissing all the girls off by bragging about her newfound fashion, of course). Part two takes place on a rooftop overlooking Vegas where Shawntel tells Bromack all about her "passion" that is funeral directing and embalming cadavers. You know, normal first date talk. Even through the ins and outs of the "vein drain" and other morbid stats, Shawntel walks away with a rose. Do they have a connection, or is Brad just scared she'll embalm him? Not sure.

Date two is the group date, which takes place at the racetrack. Great. Good thinking, Brad. Make sure the only date that has to do with NASCAR is the date on which you bring the chick (Emily) whose dead husband is a former NASCAR racer who died en route to a race. Awesome. Oh...what's that? You didn't think about that before you planned the date? Well, we're not surprised, since you don't actually have a brain. But if you did (you know, for the next time, after you fail to propose AGAIN), try not to make the same mistake twice. So Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa, Alli, Chantal, Britt and Michelle join Brad for some race-car-driving action. Brad quickly notices that Emily is uncomfortable, at which point Emily tells Brad about her dead husband's NASCAR past. Ooops. Awkward. Let's be honest: Brad's reaction to this is classic and awesome. By that I mean that he is totally weird and unemotional. Super.

Later, we end the group date in bathing suits (because all group dates need to end near some sort of pool), or as this portion of the date should be titled: The Brad Gun Show. Holy sh*t, did everyone notice the gratuitous shots in each and every scene of Brad's humongo arms? Crazy. Anyways, Alli freaks out because Emily has had too much one-on-one time and she's pissed that she lacks a sob story and a dead husband. Chantal cries to Brad too. Michelle whisks Brad away in her usual slut-meets-freakshow manner, and they make out in a poolside cabana. But at the end of the night, Emily gets the rose because her story is the saddest. So there.

The last date is the two-on-one between Ashley S. and Ashley H. Oh, the drama. Two best friends forced to compete head-to-head over Bromack. They quickly go backstage to one of Vegas's "biggest shows," Cirque de Soleil, Elvis style! They jump right in to rehearsals, during which Ashley H. is the clear performer. We soon learn that Brad and only one of the two Ashleys will be performing in the actual show, suspended in the air to Elvis's "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" (why yes, why do you ask?). The awkward crotch-hugging situation with Brad's harness was awesome, by the way. Who will he choose to perform with?

We quickly cut to dinner where Brad makes his choice. Ashley you're great. And you, Ashley? You're great too. But, I choose you: Ashley H. In his words, "Ashley S., I think you will make an extraordinary wife. I don't think you'll make an extraordinary wife for me." Way harsh, Ty. And the rose goes to Ashley H. I would have preferred way more drama here, but whatever. Couldn't they have fought over Brad a little more and dismantled a friendship by doing so? Ugh...and then we had to see Ashley S's fake tears as she cried her way off the show. Couldn't they have at least given her fake tears so we believed she was sad? And then Brad goes back to Ashley H. to kiss her. And horribly perform in Cirque de Soleil. Did everyone see Brad's eye makeup? I literally died. He was like one mascara stroke away from a gay glowstick-wielding club kid (especially with those Army fatigues!). We're talking Cirque de So Gay. And kudos to the directors for scoring Brad and Ashley H's performance to "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" to Ashley S's car ride home. AWESOME!

Back at the rose ceremony, Brad has his weekly consult with his therapist. Is this going to be a new segment in every season, or is this just because Brad has a bad track record and lacks a thought process? Brad soon arrives to the lady-suite, where Chantal is the first to accost him. Brad said, "You have to stop giving me so much crap." It was awesome. Then Brad made Alli "feel special" by serving her champagne and dessert. It was actually sweet, although he did that because she called him out on it on the group date. So...eh...not sure.

Then Cray-Cray Michelle takes him to the bedroom (in her zebra-print mini-dress and far too much makeup) and tells him not to speak, while she tells him how she's "different" from all the other girls, and it's "time to send some girls home." Yup, she's completely crazy. And Brad is scared.

And the roses go to:

1) Shawntel

2) Emily

3) Ashley H.

4) Michelle

5) Alli

6) Britt

7) Jackie

8) Chantal

Byeee: Ashley S., Marissa, Lisa (excuse me, who are you?)

Awards:

1) W.T.: Michelle

2) Frontrunner: Emily

3) Best harness moment: Brad's business in his suspension harness at Cirque.

Until next week,

Mike