It's the night we've been dating for. Jillian is getting engaged to the man of her dreams. It's the boyfriend versus the best friend. Kiptyn versus Ed. Straight versus gay. Hot and sexy versus tank tops and short shorts. I'm not going to go on and on...so let's get to it. Of course, I was busy BYOBing at a killer dinner with the Family while this aired live, so here I am after midnight doing this bullsh*t for all of you, thankyouverymuch...
First we have to meet Jillian's family. Ed is Ed, and her family likes him. Kiptyn is better and they like him more. So there. That covers 60 minutes of the episode. Everyone agrees that Kiptyn wins, he's more balanced. More cautious, yes, but more genuine and in love with her. Ed is all talk and show and we know it. He's also caught up in the moment and doesn't know anything because he wears short shorts. We're all left to wonder: is it really there with Ed? Because it's clearly there with Kip.
Now it's time for date number two. Ed wears a tank top and short shorts as they fly around volcanoes during another heli-date and then change into Aquasocks because it's 1992. Later, he confesses his love for the 82nd time and we're over it.
Kiptyn is next, and he comes right out to the camera with his love for Jillian. Yes!! He's finally there and we love him and all 10 of his 10-pack. On the date it's make-or-break time with Jillian, and he makes it. Jillian soon admits that Kip is "the best catch I've ever met in my entire life." Yeah, you and the rest of us, Jill. They bone again because who wouldn't, and then it's time for the Big Day.
Jillian wakes up and tells us how she feels over forced coffee and awkward, pensive scenes on the balcony. Kip is "the perfect package" and Ed is "fun with good energy." Um...what? I think we have our decision, lovers. She "knows" what she's going to do, and we're not surprised. We're also not surprised when Kiptyn chooses a gorgeous ring, and Ed chooses an ugly one.
Meanwhile, Jillian is getting dressed in her I'm-gonna-get-engaged dress. Kip is the first to arrive. He confesses his love to her in a sweet and nervous way, and as soon as he drops the L bomb, we know her decision. It's written all over her face. And I vomit inside (thankfully not out). "I've fallen in love with someone else," is her response. I hate it. ED?!? REALLY?!?! Kiptyn leaves us tearfully (well, almost) as he drives off into oblivion and out of our lives forever. Ugh...back to his life of breaking hearts because he now knows that being heartbroken blows.
But wait. As I predicted, the love of our collective lives comes back to confess his much delayed love and we immediately forget about Kiptyn. Reid rolls up in a minivan and a bad outfit, and sweetly and wonderfully confesses the love we all (and Jillian) know he had and PROPOSES!!! I'll be the first to admit that the proposal is WAY too much, and Reid should have held his Philly horses for a minute and just proposed getting another chance. It's all in the delivery, Reid, and you messed it up. Regardless, ABC fools us for a hot minute as Jillian is dumbfounded and needs to think about it. Wait...let's be honest...she really does need to think about it because she deep-down knows he's the one and she loves him. But visions of kelly green short shorts are dancing through her head, and she sends Reid packing once again. (With help from Chris. FYI Chris, we're in a fight. Don't push her into a doomed relationship. It's just silly and you're eventually going to lose your job after all these failed relationships!) REID, WE'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!
And then Ed shows up, proposes, and they get engaged. Whoop-de-doo. I'm over it.
Until never,
Mike.
p.s. I just might be forced to blog the upcoming hit, "More to Love." It's the Fat Bachelor, or hereafter "The Fatchelor," and I'm already obsessed. Stay tuned. Ha, The Fatchelor, that's good if I do say so myself.
p.p.s. Shout out to my dreamboat for giving me the final rose and not making me deal with any of this BS.
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