Groundhog's Day--Have we been here before?

Another Groundhog’s Day, another episode of The Bachelor…I can’t help but think: have we been here before? The answer is yes. Just as the furry rodent appears in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania year after year to somehow predict our weather, our gaggle or girls fiending over some dude with far too many gratuitous shirtless scenes reappears on ABC week after week, year after year…and so do I. (Oops, sorry about my short hiatus over the past couple weeks. We’ll just say I got “tied up.”)

Apparently missing two episodes is an amazing strategy, because we’re already down to five divas vying for this single dad’s love: Melissa, Jillian, Stephanie, Naomi and Molly. Before I even begin, let me just predict that it’s going to come down to the two cutest and most normal chicks in the running: Jillian and Molly. Duh. Jillian brings the Canadian heat, and I love her. And Molly…well…I simply HAVE to love her because she’s from my hometown and her mom may or may not have worked at my father’s place of employment for years. Not to mention, she’s cute and fun and spunky in the Grand Rapids, MI sort of way.

This episode, the girls are transported to the mythical land of Seattle, where they are forced to face the truth: can you handle 11.5 months of rain each year, or are you too weak? Do you really want to marry a short guy with an annoying son, or are you gonna bail when things get tough? Interesting question, Mike. And one that is quickly answered on the first one-on-one date with Melissa.

This date promises to be magical. Melissa gets all dressed up in a “pretty” dress for a night on the town with Jason. What could be better than the space needle on a cloudy and rainy night? Why, it’s obvious isn’t it? A night at home with Jason because his kid is too needy to let Daddy take Melissa on the previously-mentioned date! As Jason prepares for his big night out, little Ty gets whiny and the spineless father obliges his child’s needs by staying in. He gives Mel a ring, and she is forced to abandon all hopes for romance, and, instead, heads to Jason’s house on the water for a night in. She arrives in her dress and cleans the house (as every woman should) while Jason puts the little one to bed. There’s nothing like fulfilling gender roles, my friends. And doing it in a dress? Even better.

Cut to the hotel room with the other b*tches. They sit around, super annoyed, that Melissa has this chance to meet Ty. Too bad Jason isn’t ready to introduce anyone to the little bugger, so their fears are not realized. But he does allow Melissa to sneak a peak at the sleeping beauty.

After they spy on the sleeping child, Jason and Melissa talk and make out. Melissa is annoying, and they have no future. Done. No, but really, I mean, it’s not there. Girlfriend doesn’t know what she’s getting into, and although she played it off like she was fine lounging around, girlfriend wanted to go out and take her top off on the dance floor. Instead, she was relegated to a night in a floating house playing kissy on the couch.

The second date found Stephanie, Jillian and Molly on a boat with a view of the city. Stephanie is the first to get a little Jason time, and she steers the boat while they talk, once again, about their kids. They have ZERO chemistry, folks. Jason feels like he has to like her because she’s nice and has a daughter and a sad story, but let’s get real. It’s like they’re friends in a singles soccer mom/dad support group, not lovers. And does he really want to spend the rest of his life with those cheek bones? No.

After the boat ride, they go to a radio show, where Jason is interviewed about his experience. He confesses that the best kisser is Molly, and is then forced to have a kissing contest. He is blindfolded with a pink boa, and each of the girls kisses him, one by one. Jason scores a perfect 100% because he’s slutty like that. Sidenote: who barfed when Stephanie kissed both his hands before laying one on him? I did. And who barfed even more when she described her bedroom behavior and how she likes to kiss every square inch of a man’s body and “love on him”? Vomit.

After this, Jason chats with Jillian and tries to get answers to see if she’s ready for this. “Yes,” she says, in her cute Canadian inflection.

The last date finally finds Naomi on her first one-on-one date with Jason. They fly in a sea plane and go rock climbing. On the top of the man-made cliff they have what Jason calls an “extreme kiss.” Dumb. Another zinger of a quote soon follows when Naomi confesses that she “climbed a wall and her walls came down” while she talks about opening up to Jason. Double dumb. After the climb, they share some fondue and share an un-romantic night. Her face is busted and I’m over her.

Meanwhile, back at the manse, the girls are in the hotel bathroom together (??) taking a bath in their bathing suits (????) and talking about they guy they’re all dating because that’s a totally normal thing to do.

Before the “Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever” (Groundhog’s Day, anyone??), Jason once again pulls Jillian aside to make sure she’s not going to break his heart. Clearly he likes her (with her “oooouuuwt” and “abooouuuwts” and all).

At the actual rose ceremony, Jason also pulls Naomi aside before he hands out the roses, just to heighten the tension a bit. She insists she’s ready (she’s not) and it’s fake and annoying. She also resembles an egg timer in her disastrous outfit, but we’ll address that later…

So Jason chooses:
1) Jillian
2) Melissa
3) Molly
4) Naomi

And, in no big surprise, he sends Stephanie home after telling her she’s the “most amazing person he’s ever met.” Like we didn’t see that coming 82 miles away.
Wait, who caught the awkward almost-man-hug between Chris and Jason after his tearful speech to Stephanie? It was brilliant and mute-worthy.

Awards:
1) Dress disaster: Stephanie’s tablecloth turned ball gown.
2) Overall trainwreck of a look: Naomi’s outfit/tattoo at the rose ceremony. She paired a heinous top with her stewardess skirt and called it a day…but not without exposing her shoulder tat to the world. Awesome. Oh, and fix your underbite.
3) Quote: “Some things are just meant to be.”—Stephanie. Sorry sweetheart. Your cheek bones and taut face are simply not meant to be. You paid for that mess.

Until next week,

Mike