Bache-saster

Ladies and gentleladies, we may have just witnessed The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever. I hate to say it, but ABC may have actually told the truth for once. It's too soon to determine if it was actually TMDRCE, but I gotta feelin'...

It's hometown date night, and our first stop is the Jersey Shore!! Oh wait...it's actually New York, but it felt like next season's spin off of the Jersey Shore. It will hereby be titled The Staten Island Shore: Landfill of Love. But back to the action, Jake meets Gia and they tour the city via boat. Later, the lovers meet her family at a tragic restaurant on 85th and 2nd. The cast of The Staten Island Shore: Landfill of Love includes Gia, her mom Donna, the step dad, the stepbrother (hereafter known as "The Occasion"), and some dumb little brother figure who didn't get a hot second of air time. In short, the mom is a hot mess who requires subtitles and also drinks white wine on ice, The Occasion is a vision of Staten Island glory with Versace shades and enough hair gel to ignite a city block, and the other two are forgettable. The family questions Jake as to whether or not he'd "have her back" in light of trouble, as though they were entering into the West Side Story redux or something. It was brilliant. It was totally Landfill of Love. Quote of the night, courtesy of The Occasion: "If I have to hunt you down and break a few legs, I will." Aww, touching.

Date two takes us to idyllic Williamstown, MA. Nothing like the Berkshires to instill a little love. Here, Jake and Ali reunite and we realize all over again why they're the best couple on the show. She is too cute for words, and the whole day is a success. From visiting dead Grandma's house, to a nice night with the family (mom, sis and bro), it just feels right. Granted, the dinner looked gross, but overall, it was great. The mom envisions them getting married. Ali agrees, when she says, "If you asked me today I would say yes." Yay! We love Ali and Jake. It's a marriage in the making!

Next, we travel to Newburg, Oregon to meet Tenley and her cute family. At first it feels a little forced and fake, but then that goes out the window when Tenley performs a choreographed dance to Pachelbel's "Canon in D," (better known as every woman's wedding march). It was awkward, I wanted to mute the TV, but Tenley has killer calves and nice moves. Heinous yet touching. Next, we head to her house where we meet her cute family. Mom, Dad and Sister eagerly await the couple's arrival, and they all cry when they arrive. The tears continue through the steak dinner, during the one-on-one time with the two parents and Jake, and again at the end. But overall, the family is very cute, the date was touching, and their house was quaint and cute. They all give Jake their blessing. Mom admits that Tenley will have "emotional spillovers" for some time about her ex-husband (who was mentioned far too much throughout the day), but if anyone is prepared to love again, it is Tenley. Jake's fears about her ex-husband are allayed. So yay for Tenley and her cute family. She finally seemed to relax by the end of the date, and she didn't seem as uncomfortable. Is there a true romance brewing?

Last, it's the hometown date we've all been waiting for. We travel south to the gator-infested waters of Florida, where we meet the hair-dye-infested Vienna and her tragic, most likely incestuous family. After a sassy little pontoon boat ride, we get right down to business. We meet the family: Mom, Dad, Sister and Chihuahua in pink. Upon seeing his daughter, Dad begins to cry. The Vienna cries, and the weirdness begins. Is there something going on with Dad and V? Am I reading too much in to what seems to be an awkward relationship? Dad quickly whisks Jake away to his toolshed where he puts this little treasure out there for all of us to enjoy (re-worded because I couldn't actually listen when he delivered it): "I treat my daughter like a princess, and I'd expect the same out of you. If you treat her like a princess, you'll come home and the house will be cleaned, the kids will be raised..." Wow, nothing like a father who has only the highest hopes and respect for his daughter. Quick question: any one else think Dad looks like a mix between a cross-eyed gator hunter and Saddam Hussein? Yeah...thought so. Back at dinner, the family enjoys some tasty hot dogs and beans (we're in the middle of Florida near a river, what do you expect?), and the family isn't surprised that everyone is jealous (or hates) of their little Vienna. Question number two: would anyone be surprised if no one in Vienna's family knew that Vienna was actually a beautiful city in Austria? Yeah...didn't think so. After dinner, the lovebugs go make out in Vienna's bedroom next to the picture of Vienna kissing her father. I won't comment. What I will comment on is when Dad walks in on them making out. I secretly think he wanted to join. The date soon ends, and we all take a break to shower off the nasty from witnessing this special dad/daughter relationship. Shout out to my couchmate and lovebug for the shower comment.

Back at the Beverly Wilshire, we're all set to get dressed to ditch a girl at the next rose ceremony when the drama really heats up. Ali drops the bomb on Jake, letting him know that it's either him or her job...as in she'll be fired if she stays on the show any longer. Okay, let me begin. 1) This happened last season with Ed and I'm over it. 2) Don't contestants have to have this cleared with their employers BEFORE they come on the show? 3) How douchey does Ali's boss feel for making her choose between work and love? As Ali breaks down, Jake gives unfailingly good advice, but stops short of really asking her to stay. It's a mess, and I predicted this last week (with the help of some key Bachelorites).

Later that evening, Ali arrives in a cute dress looking, unfortunately, a bit dissheveled. Poor thing. The girls line up one by one, and Ali soon asks for some time with Jake, where we anticipate her decision. Will she stay or will she go? Ali is a mess, Jake is emotional, and he finally lays it on her: "I don't want you to go." He also says he's falling in love and he'd be devastated if you left. FINALLY! Thank goodness he put it out there. He even said, "You weren't on the line tonight." Gotta love Jake's honesty. After Ali says, "I love you" (yep, she went there), we're left with more tears, sobs, and eventually she delivers it: "I have to go." Trainwreck. I'm seriously pissed, but I'll sleep at night knowing she'll totally reappear. She just has to. The couple says goodbye with a hot and emotional kiss, and she drives away into the night. Jake is totally a mess, and he admits that he's heartbroken once again. But he pulls it together for the non-rose ceremony to come. Sidenote: how fun would it be to have listened to the conversation of the girls in waiting as Ali and Jake said their goodbyes?

Jake reappears to the remaining girls (two messy, one normal) with a gloriously fake smile and news that there will be no rose ceremony.
1) Tenley
2) Gia
3) Vienna

Awards:
1) Cutest family: Tenley's
2) Creepiest dad: Vienna's
3) Biggest mistake: Jake not telling Ali he loved her.
4) Worst employer: Ali's
5) Worst watch: Chris's blingy mess at the rose ceremony. Who cares if it's Cartier if it's that loud?
6) Comeback kid award: Ali. She'll be back.

Until next week,
Mike