To Bone or Not To Bone...emphasis on "NOT"

It's the highly-anticipated "To Bone or Not To Bone" episode, and, well, we're left with blue balls.  Ain't no action to be had on this episode, lovers.  But wait...let me preface this with my famous life.  I did not watch the episode live last night, as I was otherwise engaged in a three-way with Red Sox, Fenway, and beer.  It's vacation week, my friends, and I'm making the most out of a tri-state trip with a blue-eyed stud and lots of fun.  I had initially hired Baby Jesus to guest blog, but he bailed last minute.  So here I am.  A day later...but still full committed.  

Hola mis amigos, y bienvenidos a Espana.  

First up is Kiptyn, who joins Jillian in Madrid for a date filled with dancing, kissing, and awkward camera shots of his bald spot.  Ooops...luckily Jillian is too short to see his balding tendencies.  That way, she can devote more attention to his bulging package in flamenco pants.  The lovebugs learn some flamenco and dance for each other.  The date was fine, but to be honest, I think Kiptyn is a little less in to Jillian than we may have hoped.  He's also a net zero.  Well, not zero.  With abs like that you're definitely in the positive, but I don't think he adds much in the personality factor.  At dinner, they're presented with the Fantasy Suite invite from Chris, and Jillian rejects it!  Don't worry, the theme continues...and we all collectively yawn at Jillian's lack of promiscuity.  Boring.  They cuddle instead and share an awkward evening of no sex and disappointment.  

Next, Jillian meets Reid in Sevilla for a MUCH cuter date full of connection and affection.  They are very cute together, and the chemistry is clearly there.  It seems "effortless," as Reid so aptly observes, and we love him for that.  We all laugh as they muddle their way through Spanish to have a fun day together.  Reid definitely stepped it up this date as he was pretty open with his feelings (even his cute jealousy).  The date ends with no Fantasy Suite once again, and I'm completely happy that the much-publicized performance anxiety clips courtesy of ABC do NOT star our beloved Reid. I'm clearly dying to know who they do, eventually, star.  Right?!? But thank goodness it wasn't Reid tonight! Reid ends it perfectly by saying, "Ella tiene mi corazon."  Babelfish that mess.

Ed, back in black, is next.  We stay in Sevilla for this date which is basically a 20-minute makeout fest.  It's all about PDA here, and I love it.  They are making up for lost ground in a major way, and it's borderline absurd.  At this point I'm annoyed that Jillian is continually saying "doing good" instead of "doing well," but what do we expect out of Canadians?  Perfection?  I think not.  Just bacon.  Ed gets the closest with the Fantasy Suite, after he convinces Jillian to hang out more, and they sleep with their clothes on.  Here's hoping at least a sock came off...

And lastly, our special friend Wes meets Jillian in Barthelona (yes, with a "th" and not a "c") for an Oscar-worthy performance.  The Oscar for horrendous acting, of course.  His game is up, folks, and it's just so clear.  But before the date, he had a great quote about Barthelona delivered in his signature twang: "I had a number one single in Chihuahua, Mexico, so I'm comfortable around Spanish people."  Because everyone knows that Mexico and Spain are one in the same.  And that Mexicans are Spanish.  You know you're from Texas when...

But back to the date.  Wes recites his memorized script with great lines about how they're great together and such, but manages to forget about the romance and affection girls need when they like you.  It's pretty brilliant that they made it through a whole date with not ONE kiss.  I mean, Wes is truly a scumbag, so you'd think he'd fully mount up on her and try to bone her, not stay so far away.  Even if his beloved girlfriend is back on the ranch...who really cares when you're a DB?  Clearly he's too focused on his lines to fully commit to the performance.  At dinner, Jillian comes with the full court press.  She calls him out on doing this for the wrong reasons.  Wes responds basically agreeing, and throwing his manager under the bus.  He clearly did this for fame, and guess what, he's not going to get it.  The awkward date gets fully amped up when Jillian asks him point blank about Laurel.  She asks him to tell him what he said to Jake, to which (cue the record scratching) he responds, "My girlfriend...I mean...my ex-girlfriend."  JIGGA WHAT?!?  JIGGA WHO?!?  And scene.  

Back at the rose ceremony, we know Wes has played his last number one single in Chihuahua when he tells the boys that "If it's me (referring to him being the one going home) I'll be back at home having lots of sex."  I can't even comment because my response would be so witty your heads would explode.  

And roses go to:

1) Ed

2) Reid

3) Kiptyn

Bye to the DB of the year: Wes.

Awards.

1) DB: Wes.  Congrats on winning once again, hereby establishing you as the DB of the entire series, let alone this season.

2) Frontrunner: Reid with Ed closing in.

3) Best drunk, idiotic, black-out limo ride home: Wes.  "I'm the first guy to make it to the final four with a girlfriend."  And 82 other drunken, ridiculous quotes about boning Spanish chicks that night and "cutting off the chains."

4) Next to go home: Kiptyn.

Until next week,

Mike

p.s. I'll be back next week, fully bronzed after a week on the beach.  Get ready for that mess.