Polar Bear Express

This damn Canadian adventure never seems to end. And neither does my ridiculous devotion to this show. After a killer workout followed by a yummy dinner, I came home to relax and hit the sack with the sexiest roommate one could ask for. But my DVR beckoned from across the room. Two seconds later, that bitch was fired up and there I sat, hungry for more of this wretched trainwreck called "The Bachelor/Bachelorette."

Tonight, the boys and Jillian rode an actual train through the tundra, or, if you want to get technical, they rode the Rocky Mountaineer through the wilderness. After two episodes in "Vancouver," we're transported to another "territory" called "Alberta," where the team takes in the sites via choo-choo. Okay, okay, the toy train is cute. So let's get to it.

The first one-on-one date goes to Robby, the oddly cute and charming bartender. From the beginning, I'm pretty sure he's secured a rose because Jillian and he have connected since the beginning. There's just one catch: what does he bring to the table? He's 25, underemployed, and has no direction in life. It's time to bring out the big guns, Robby. He starts by making drinks. Okay, hammering home the fact that you're a bartender is not going to win over the woman looking for a guy ready to settle down and father her children. And neither will saying things like, "I'm not sure what my future holds, I'm kinda between jobs" or whatever he rambled on about when asked if he's really ready to settle down. As the date progressed, her lack of interest increased, and by the end of this little train ride, the Rocky Mountaineer rumbled to a stop, and Robby was booted without a rose. Jillian tried her best to feign sadness, but honestly, I don't think dropping Robby in the wilderness was too hard for her. Child is a 25-year-old aimless bartender. He ain't husband material. Adios, Robby. And make it dirty, on the rocks, please.

After her "rough" goodbye, our country swooner sweeps in to comfort Jillian. Wes snuggles with Jillian, she melts into his arms, and he gets a few more minutes of cherished air time. His voice over puts it perfectly: "I'll always have Jillian wrapped around my little finger." Getting a little cocky, are we Wes? More on that mess later...

The second date is with Tanner, Wes, Michael, Jesse, Jake and Kiptyn. Tanner withstanding, it's like the battle of the hotties. Although there is no battle whatsoever. Instead, they go snowshoeing through the North Country, while Reid is left back on the train to contemplate his upcoming one-on-one with Jillian, and to let his neuroses get the best of him (glasses or no glasses?). But back on the date, nothing really happens. Jake is cheesy, Kiptyn talks to much, Tanner takes of his pants...the usual. Wait, what? Yes. When Michael brings up the awkward conversation topic of what Jillian wears to bed, Tanner jumps in and strips down to his manties (man-panties, for those not in the know). A little odd. But not as odd as Jillian saying to the camera, when talking about his package, that "it was huge," followed by Tanner admitting that he's "blessed." Child, you didn't get blessed with anything but the ugly stick and a freaky foot fetish. Start packing for Dallas. And take the sock out of your pants.

More boys spend one-on-one time with her after the event. Tanner plays with her feet, Jesse remains a frontrunner, Michael is basically her brother and is yet to form any sort of romantic connection...it's all to be expected.

At the end of the date, our beloved and wordy Kiptyn gets the rose while sharing the hot tub with a bunch of shirtless dudes.

Later, the boys share some boy time and it's all about confessions. Tanner comes out of the closet with his admission that he was the dude that dropped the Girlfriend Bomb on Jillian. The dudes all don't seem to mind, with one exception: Wes. Hmmm...wonder why? Next, Wes has a great line: "I've made it six shows so far...I've got what I wanted." Obviously this is all in reference to the fact that he has gotten the exposure he was after, and if he happens to be in the running for the girl, that's just a nice byproduct. Gross. We hate Wes. Go back to Austin. Wait, don't. I like Austin, and I don't want you ruining it with your conniving ways. Go to Dallas or something fake like that.

The next morning, Jake visits Jillian in her room-slash-train car. Honestly, he's cute, he's got a killer smile, but dude is C-H-E-E-S-Y. He tells her, in his goopy way, that he really likes her. Jillian, not a gifted thespian, simply cannot hide the fact that she's completely over him. She thanks him for being so honest, but not in a girlfriend sort of way...more in a first-grade teacher teaching a lesson about honesty and trust. It was almost painful to see her response to Jake's confession, as it lacked even an ounce of emotion. Negative points for Jake for not noticing that she could care less what he thinks. Hopefully you're more in tune with reality when you're piloting commercial flights.

The last date is the one-on-one with Reid. And, while I may be in the minority here, he completely won me over. Not only is he really cute (both with glasses and without, thank you), he is a total loony toon, in the best possible way. Dude is neurotic, OCD and tends to over analyze everything. Hmmm...he's basically the straight version of me. Clearly he's amazing.

Anyway, more about me...I mean...the date. Reid and Jillian snowboard near Lake Louise, and Reid, the perfectionist, is a mess. He totally can't do it, but he plays it off well. Jillian loves that he tried something he's not good at, and she liked seeing him take a chance. They share an outdoor cocktail at a scenic overlook made of ice. I'm talking chairs, table, glasses...it was all ice. So fun. After a beer or eight, they snuggle and kiss and it's cute. Reid says that red ears mean you're horny. They kiss some more. And my ears get red on the couch.

Later, the snowbirds snuggle up for a dinner of fondue. Reid is totally freaked out by the concept of fondue, and it's hilarious. Hey, at least he admits his neuroses and goes with it. I think with each admission, he charms her more. He's quirky, different from the other guys, but seems to be carving out a little spot in Jillian's heart because he's just being himself. Are they perfect on paper? No. But they're a good match. All in all, the date was great and we love our Reid, crazy tendencies and all. Jillian agrees, and he gets a rose.

The rose ceremony is next, but before Jillian hands out the roses, she takes Michael aside to ask if he's really serious about her. We all know that he's not, and that they have ZERO chemistry and all he wants is his big break...but apparently he muddled his way through an acceptable response. Crazy.

Roses go to:
1) Kiptyn
2) Reid
3) Jesse
4) Wes
5) Michael. WHAT?!?

Bye: Robby, Jake, Tanner.

I actually kind of though Jake or Tanner (more like Tanner) would stay for one more week. But now we're subject to a family visit with Michael, and it's bound to be uncomfortable and overacted.

Awards:
1) DB: Wes. You suck. And so do your songs.
2) Frontrunners: Kiptyn and Jesse.
3) Comeback Kid: Reid.

Until next week,

Mike