Lucky 13

Lovers and friends. I'm a trainwreck and I've let you down too much. I didn't blog last week, I'm a day late this week, I'm pretty much a general mess when it comes to keeping you entertained. But I'm famous, you love me, and you keep coming back for more. Sidebar: who watches "Intervention" on A&E? Brilliant.

Anyway, back to biz. I'm back, my TV is better than ever, and this show is the dumbest thing on it. But little by little, we're weeding out the duds and meandering our way to true love. Oh wait...

So this week's episode has three dates: two one-on-one dates and one group date. The first one-on-one goes to Ed, the nice guy from Chicago. It's a "dangerous" date, which involves an annoyingly slow zip line from the top of a building down to a pool below. I mean honestly, who wants to inch along on a zip line through the sky? Was it broken or something? I'm looking for a thrill, people, not a yawn. In the pool scene, the editors prove that Ed has no bod as he's only featured under water. But he's nice, and they kiss...yadda yadda. He gets a rose, and we move on.

The second date is on a "film shoot" with 11 dudes and Jillian. They film a western, and it even includes a gay twist. I think we all saw the "Brokeback" dialogue prancing towards us from 100 gay miles away, but whatever. Brad wins the award for the most awkward kiss ever, and we all mute our respective TVs in horror. Robby, who finally gets his chance to shine, outperforms everyone and delivers an Oscar-worthy performance topped off with a sexy and romantic kiss. It was cute and we like him...even though he's a bartender. At the "wrap party" Juan once again proves he's a total DB and skeeves us all out with his sappy candor. Over it.

Meanwhile, at the manse, David is steaming and drinking and acting overly straight as always. Nothing like being a big straight dude from Kansas and 100% living up to our expectations! Anger Management, 101. I'm sure they teach that at Topeka Community College.

Back on the date, we have the gratuitous shirtless hot tub scene, and Tanner once again freaks out over Jillian's feet. Can we be done with the foot fetish already? I mean seriously, it's getting old. And gross. At the end, Robby gets the rose and we're all happy.

The second one-on-one date is a hot-rodding adventure with Sasha. Let's just say, his ears are big and he doesn't get a rose. Jillian is convinced he's too young and wet behind the big ears...and he doesn't get a rose! Is this a first? Probably not, but I don't care and Sasha is sent packing to TX in an LA city bus. Classy.

Back at home, Wes serenades Jillian with a generic country song he probably wrote when he was 8, but she falls for it. Jillian...really? This guy's a douche and we're over it. He also never takes off his shirt, which is an automatic -82 points.

At the pre rose ceremony, David, the "top dawg," only further cements his growing rep as House Psycho Hose Beast. His meathead tendencies lead him to cut off the dudes mid-sentence, drink far too much, trash Juan to pieces, and look like a general freak show. Clearly, I love this. It looks like his head is going to spin off at any minute. If I was on set, I'd be afraid for my life, but on a big-screen TV it's just fine. How many more episodes until he pulls a Christian Bale on the sound guy?!?

At the end of the night, these dreary-eyed and exhausted boys are left standing:
1) Ed
2) Robby
3) Jake
4) Reid
5) Mark, who has had NO face time yet
6) Jesse
7) Tanner P.
8) Wes
9) Juan
10) Michael
11) Kiptyn
12) Mike
13) David, who nearly stumbles b/c he's so blackout...or is it just rage-filled?

Adios to Sasha, Brad and Tanner F.

Awards:
1) Crazy-town: David
2) Oh Poor Me I'm a Raging Loser and Nobody Appreciates Me: Brad
3) Front-runner: Robby and Kiptyn

Until next week,

Mike