Oh Canada...

Summer camp is over, boys. It's time to pack up and head to...Canada?? Wait..is this some sort of punishment? You can't just leave LA and be forced to go to the mythical Northland and pretend it's a good thing. Or can you?

Vancouver was the setting for last night's episode in which three boys were sent packing. Jillian hosts the guys in her hometown. (Sidenote: wasn't she from some other Canadian village last season? Edmonton? Calgary? Another Canadian city I can't think of because there are only like 12 to choose from?) The episode features three dates: a one-on-one; a group date; and a two-on-one in which one guy is sent home by the end.

The one-on-one date goes to Kiptyn, and the rose was his to lose. Could he finally summon a personality to match his good looks? Is he everything he hoped he would be and more? He joins Jillian on a little kayaking adventure, and then they go to the Public Market to buy food for dinner. After a cute talk on the water, the couple heads home to cook. It's kind of a perfect date in the making. Outdoor activities followed by good conversation and a do-it-together meal? Amazing. The only negative of the date was the part where they fed pigeons. People, feeding rats with wings is a pasttime left to crazy women with wild hair and 82 cats. It's not for us. But back to the dinner portion. They cook, he comes up behind her, places his hands on her hips, and kisses her neck. We all melt, she dies, it's cute. After dinner, Kiptyn opens up some more by confessing that he's no good at pursuing women. "People pursue me," his special quote, could have sounded a lot more dick than it did, but Kiptyn pretty much wins us over. Their conversation on this date was very easy and genuine, and I think he might like her. I'll overlook the embroidered bird/crest on the shoulder of his black button-down shirt, and give him an A- for the date. If he was preppier he would have earned an A. He gets a rose, and I think she really likes him.

The second date is a BIG group date with Ed, Jesse, Tanner, Jake, Robby, Wes, Michael, Reid, Juan, and David. The play a "Canadian" "sport" called "curling." The boys are split into two teams, and the winning teams gets to spend the night with Jillian, as opposed to just awkward time in sweatsuits on the ice playing with brooms. Without diving into too much detail, the red team wins and Jesse is the clear MVP. On the date later that evening, Jake is worried he's too perfect, other dudes do other things, and David, like clockwork, turns crazy. As they chatted on the couch I was simultaneously expecting him to 1) beat her, 2) jump her bones, and 3) accomplish all of this as his red-faced, inflated head spun off. Instead, he verbally assaulted her with bad language, a failed attempt at a kiss, and non-stop talk about her ass. Um...inappropriate much? At one point during his word vomit, he says the F word, leans in for a kiss only to be given the cheek. He questions Jillian and she says something to the effect of, "I'm not kissing you after you say that word," to which he reponds, "I would think you'd want to kiss after saying f*ck." Pure class. Truly a gentleman. But I guess that's what "Trucking Coordinators" from Kansas do. Jesse gets the rose on this date, and we all share a sigh of relief that David didn't inflict bodily harm on anyone during the filming of the date.

The last date is between Jillian, Mike and Mark. They couldn't be more different. Mike spews forth far too many words and far too much honestly. Mark is mute and nervous. Mike is a guido from New York. Mark is subdued from Colorado. Mike's hair is black. Mark's hair is light brown. The opposites board a helicopter headed for Grouse Mountain, and Mike awkwardly sits in the middle and gets Jillian to himself, while Mark is forced to look out the window alone. At dinner, Mike commands the conversation, while Mark sits quietly across the table. During some one-on-one time, Mike continues to say all the "right" things (though they sound a bit disingenuous). Luckily, Mark gets his chance next, and he confesses that he's not very good in these situations. Their conversation doesn't seem forced, and it's finally relaxed and chill. Very Colorado. At the end of dinner, Mark gets the rose! Yay! Mike then awkwardly exits via gondola.

Before I get to the rose ceremony, can I please point out that there was not ONE gratuitous shirtless scene in this episode? Okay, Mike and Mark getting dressed before their date involved no shirts, but please. Um...ABC, the only reason anyone watches the Bachelorette is for the shirtless men in pools and hot tubs or just lounging around being shirtless. I mean, couldn't there have been some shirtless curling? Or a shirtless dinner scene? Work on it.

Back at the pre rose ceremony, tension is heightened. Jake hints to Jillian that there may be some guys here for the wrong reasons. Tanner goes even further to say he's heard someone say they have a girlfriend back home. Even without the scenes for next week's episode, we all know it's Wes, the guy who had just told Jillian he's "always been faithful." My ass. Faithful to your failing music career, perhaps. Jillian freaks, there is a total drama confrontation between Chris and Jillian and the boys, and it's all awkward. My favorite part was when everyone was asked to confess who it was, or who said what, and the cameras always came back to the tail-between-his-legs Tanner. Brilliant. He was SO dejected.

After zero resolution and emotional outbursts on behalf of a select crew of dudes, we're left with the rose ceremony and a bruised and battered cast.

1) Kiptyn
2) Jesse
3) Mark
4) Reid
5) Robby
6) Ed
7) Michael
8) Wes
9) Jake
10) Tanner - total surprise!

That leaves us with Mike, Juan and David heading home. Not gonna lie, I was surprised that sappy Juan was sent home. I predicted it to be Tanner and David, not Juan and David.

Awards:
1) Biggest pansy-ass: Tanner
2) Fame-hungry scene stealers: Wes and Michael
3) Latent homosexual: David

What do you bet Juan and David totally made out during the limo ride to the airport? Hate sex, anyone?

Until next week's drama,

Mike